Just a few developmental pieces, for the time that Ally is captured by Duke.

http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=7864
http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=7877

Hey there. I saw no one had given any feedback on these pieces yet so I figured I'd weigh in. I think the thing that was really great about these two pieces is you told me a lot about Callaway through the narrative and the action lines.

This is really important, especially for a new guy like me that doesn't know all the back story to your character yet I was really able to get a good sense of what had gone on with Duke, and Griffin. Job well done there.

For constructive feedback I'd suggest maybe adding more subtext to the dialog. The characters seem to be saying exactly what they are thinking and in real life that is not always the case. I think that would add more depth to the scene.

I also really loved what you did with raising the stakes of each scene while at the same time creating great sympathy for the character of Callaway. I want to know if she's going to get free, why it appears Duke has changed, and if Griffin will save her. Most importantly you made me ask questions which all great writing should do.

I hope this helps! I enjoyed reading your work.

Thank you Mr Raide. I've got others that are much longer. During her period of "abduction" I just wanted to give a bit of insight to her. Thank you so much for your constructive critisms. I will tak each of them and work on making the next one even better.

I'm quite impressed with your character.

You're very welcome, Ms. Callaway. I'm happy to help and read others work. Lots of talent here.