How do I even bring this up?  ‘Hey Frankie, you know that really fun stuff that adults do in privacy?  Don’t do that.’

”Do we have to?” he asked.

”We could just not, and tell Mom we did,” I replied.  “What am I saying?  Of course we do.”

”Dad, no offense but I think you’re the last person in the world that should give me that talk,” he said quickly.

For a moment I just sat there looking at him in an awkward silence.

”Things seem to be getting pretty serious between you and Penny,” I said to him.  ”How many 13 year old boys do you know that get flown 1500 miles to go to a Homecoming dance?”

”But it’s not like that,” he insisted.  ”It won’t be like that for a long time.”

”It’s okay to talk to me about those things, you know?” I asked without expecting any kind of answer from him.  ”It doesn’t have to be awkward.  Growing up and eventually doing that is… just a natural part of life.”

”Daaaaad!” he pleads with an elongated sigh.  ”Neither of us are nearly ready for that stuff.  Can we just be teenagers for a while?”

”I just don’t want you growing up thinking that what I’ve done is normal,” I began.  ”I don’t want you growing up thinking that womanizing is something that I’m proud of, or that it’s some kind of measure of masculinity or of how cool you are…”

”The last person I want to be when I grow up, is you,” he said coldly.

I’ll admit, that kinda hurt.  Not a little, but a lot.  I’m not saying that I don’t deserve that.  He has his opinions about what I’ve done and I respect them.  Hell, I agree with him in large part.  Knowing that he knows what I’ve done, hearing him acknowledge it out loud… makes me feel so damn small.

And I should.

”I don’t understand how you can claim to love me, or the twins or mom while you do those things,” he interrupted my train of thought.  ”Love isn’t supposed to hurt.”

Frankie has raised his voice and yelled at me before, but nothing like this.  For the first time, I’ve noticed that hiding behind his anger and raised voice… is pain.  I caused that pain.  That absolutely crushes my soul.  I never meant to hurt him.  I never meant to hurt anyone.

Kind of stung, I just sat there quietly.  Frankie stood up and started pacing tracks in his carpet.  I’ve seen that before.  When I’m in the ring on the microphone, I do that a lot.  What I’m doing when I do it is getting my words in order.  That’s a learned behavior which is exactly what I’m afraid of.

”Three years ago I came to live with you,” he began.

A big part of me wanted to stop him.  I wanted to grab him and hold him tight in my arms and tell him how truly sorry I am.  A much larger part of me wanted to let him get it out of his system.  I deserved to hear whatever it is he had to say to me.

”You were gonna be my new dad and Liz was gonna be my new mom,” he continued.  ”It only took you a couple months to mess that up.  You couldn’t keep your weiner to yourself and she left you…”

”Frankie…”

”No!” he shouted me down.  ”For three damn years I played stupid, Dad!  I’m not doing it anymore!  You have hurt everyone that has ever loved you!”

”That’s not true,” I argued.

”No?  Well it sure seems that way since I came here!” he paused.  ”Uncle Jim was dying and what’d you do?  You made his cancer about you!  Liz loved you, she had your babies and you cheated on her!

“And you know what’s worse than that?  She forgave you and a few months later you sent her packing to North Carolina!”

”Frankie listen,” I pleaded.

”I think you should listen to me this time,” he said, shooting me down again.  ”Maybe you spent too much time in your life sitting in the big chairs because no one’s ever held you accountable for the things you’ve done.

“Look at Uncle Corey,” he continued his rant.  ”You looked like the big hero as you helped nurse him back to health but what’d you do?  You kicked a man that had brain problems,  a man you loved and loved you back, in the back of his head!”

I badly wanted to interrupt him.  Yes, it was a despicable act, but no one had the clarity it took to see things through my lens.  That doesn’t make it right, but there were valid reasons.  Maybe somewhat unrealistic reasons, but reasons nonetheless.

”Two days after you broke up with Adi Gold you were in another woman's bed and I know you didn’t think I saw but I see a lot more than I let on,” he continued.  ”Three weeks after that, you married mom.  How did that make Adi feel?

“Or is that another case where you just do what you want and don’t give a shit who it hurts?”

God damn.

He knows all my skeletons.

”You love my mom and I know you do,” he resumed his rant.  ”But how could you hurt her so much?  She’s so good to you.  She’s been an awesome mom to me and the babies but every couple weeks like clockwork, I hear about you with another woman somewhere.”

”We had an agreement,” I replied.  ”We set up ground rules and…”

”You’re the only one that actually does it,” he interrupted.  ”That should tell you everything you need to know but you’re too fucking self centered to see it.”

An awkward silence ensued as his stare burned a hole right through me.

”I’m afraid of being like you,” he resumed again.  ”I don’t know when I’ll lose my virginity Dad.  But I will tell you that when I do, I’ll be a good guy to whoever she is because you’ve set a perfect example of what not to do.

“You know where the door is.”

”Frankie,” I said as I stood up from his bed.

”Go,” he instructed.

I did linger for a few seconds.  I have never felt so small in my entire life and it certainly isn’t his fault.  Everything he said was the absolute truth.  While I didn’t expect it, he gave me so much to think about.  Of all the times people have shut me down and rendered me speechless, not only is this one of them, but also the most significant example.

After throwing on a hoodie, I didn’t say a single word to anyone.  Instead, I just went outside to the other garage and started messing around with my truck.  I didn’t really accomplish anything.  All I did was pop the hood, then lean my head against my arm on the header panel.  I must’ve stood there in thought and solitude for an hour, maybe more.

Frankie was right about everything.

While it’s true that my wife and I had an agreement, I can’t imagine what it might’ve been like for her to know, or at least to think, that whenever I wasn’t home that I was probably screwing someone else.  The sudden realization hit me like a damn wrecking ball and all at once, quiet tears streamed down my face.

Soaking in my own salty tears, I thought about everything Frankie told me.  I really did try to be a good role model for him.  Instead, I became the poster boy of what not to do.  For the first time since I met the boy more than three years ago, I feel like he hates me.  I’m not sure which feeling is worse, knowing I’ve failed at being a husband, or knowing that I failed as a father.

”How’d it go?” Lauren asked as she entered the garage.  ”He’s been avoiding me so I’ll assume you told him I saw him.”

”He could probably use a little assurance that that’s not what you’re thinking about when you look at him,” I said to her without even lifting my head to look at her.

”Sure babe,” she says with a chuckle.  ”Seems reasonable for a boys mom to tell him its ok to jerk off.”[orange]

”Well… whatever, I guess.  I don’t know.”

[orange]”Are you crying?” she asked as she changed her tone to more of a concerned one.

Without replying immediately, I lifted my head and wiped my eyes on my sleeve before I turned to face her.

”What’s wrong?”

”Babydoll I’m so sorry,” I began.

”For what?”

”Hurting you the way I had been,” I replied.

She gives me a knowing look, as if she doesn’t want to acknowledge what it is I’m referring to while at the same time, she pulls me into a comforting hug.

”I just…” I began but couldn’t find the words I was looking for.

”What the hell did he say to you?” she asked as she folded her arms into my chest.

”Just things I needed to hear,” I replied.  ”I destroyed whatever pedestal he used to have me on.”

”Baby, don’t take it so hard,” she advised.  ”He just doesn’t understand.”

”He understands plenty,” I corrected her.  ”I’ve been lying to myself since we first got together, Lauren.  I kept telling myself that we made a deal.  I kept saying it wasn’t cheating because I was following the rules.  The rules were shit.  He pointed out that I was the only one fuckin’ around.”

”Well that’s over now, right?” she asked somewhat rhetorically.

”How many times have I said I was done with that shit before reneging and goin’ back on my word?”

Golden silence.

”It’s not me that has an issue with what you’ve done,” she began as she cut through the silence.  ”I knew what you were when I married you.  Maybe you should talk to him.  Let him ask you questions.  Just be an open book.

“That kid is smarter than either of us.  He’s angry because he doesn’t know better.  Let him see your vulnerable side.”

”Where is he?”

”On the pier,” she replied as I left her embrace.  ”I saw the glow of his Switch.  Or at least, I hope that’s what he was playing with.”

”Dammit Lauren,” I laughed slightly as I headed from the garage toward the pier on the backside of the house.  After cresting the hill, I could see the glow of his Switch against the dark backdrop of an autumn evening.  I took my time as I made my way to him.  There was more than a good chance I was about to answer some really tough questions.

He lays on his stomach near the edge with his game in front of his face.

”Hi Dad,” he said quietly.

”How’d you know it was me?”

”I know your footsteps,” he answered.

”Can we talk?” I asked the boy.

He didn’t answer immediately.  I was fully prepared for him to tell me no and I would’ve been okay with that.  He laid motionless for a few moments before sitting up and looking at me.

”I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he said as he started to choke up a little.  ”I shouldn’t have talked to you like that.”

”I really appreciate you saying that,” I replied.  ”But you were exactly right from top to bottom.  I’m sorry I did things that made you so angry.  I’m sorry I hurt you so much that you felt you had to let me have it.

“Come sit with me.”

Frankie hesitated for a few moments before getting to his feet and sitting beside me on the swing on the side of the pier.

”For the last couple hours I’ve been thinking about all the things you said and reflecting on what I’ve done,” I began.  ”There’s probably a million questions you have going through your head and if you wanna ask them, ask them.”

We both sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes.  Inside my own head, I wondered what exactly was going through his mind.  I know he doesn’t hate me, but I sure felt like he did.

”I guess the obvious question is why?” he asked his first question.

”I don’t know if there’s any one answer,” I began as I thought about an honest reply.  ”It’s like I have this compulsion.  If I had more self control, I’d have stopped a long time ago, but when the blood starts flowing it’s… I don’t know, it’s very difficult to pull back.”

”How many have there been?” he asked.

”Too many,” I said with shame.  ”So many that I don’t even remember most of them.”

”How did you meet them?”

”Most of them are my friends,” I replied.  ”They were friends before and they remain friends now.”

”So… all these women that I’ve met over the years,” he pressed.  ”They’ve all slept with my dad and we just stay his blind, unsuspecting family?”

”I haven’t slept with all of my friends, but,” I paused in thought.  ”Most of them.”

”Can you recognize how disgusting that is?” he asked.

”I do,” I replied quickly.  ”I always did.”

”After all this time and all the times you said you’d stop but didn’t, what makes you think you can do it now?” he asked.

”Because I let you down,” I answered to a silent reply.  ”I’ve gone through a lot of shit in my life Frankie.  Realizing that I failed you, that I didn’t meet your expectations as a man, a husband and as a father.

“Kid that cut me right to the bone.”

”So what happens now?”

”I go back into therapy,” I answered emphatically.

”Back?” he echoed.  ”You went into therapy for it before?”

”Yeah.”

”Why didn’t you stay in it?” he asked.  ”Why didn’t it work?”

”I didn’t stay in it because my therapist determined I wasn’t addicted,” I answered his first question.  ”It might have worked, but it was one on one therapy.  I think maybe this time I’ll try group therapy.”

”That seems like an odd idea,” he said as he looked up at me.  ”Think about it.  A whole bunch of sex addicts in one place?” he chuckled slightly.

”Yeah I got it,” I said with a laugh as I pulled him into a side hug.  ”But maybe hearing other peoples stories will help me.”

”Did what I said earlier really do this?” he asked.

”Yeah,” I answered him truthfully.  ”I’ve gone through life not really giving a shit what people thought of me.  In my work over the years, everyone mostly just fires spitballs to see what sticks anyway so I kinda take what they say with a grain of salt.

“You’re not them.  You’re my boy.  My first boy.  You matter to me.  Your thoughts, your feelings, they matter to me more than pretty much anything.”

Frankie and I sat there talking for about another forty five minutes.  A lot of times we’re just passing by, as in he’s going to school or I’m going to work.  Life is busy and I don’t always have the time to just sit and talk with him.  I love when we do though.  Even if it’s like today where we fight and have to work it out.

I have said it from the day I met him that he’s a special person.  I meant it then and I still mean it now.  This kid is hands down the best thing that has ever happened to me.  While I don’t deserve him, I think I see the light now.  I think I see what it is I need to do to be the man I need to be for him.  I don’t expect it’ll be easy.  Women don’t just suddenly stop being sexually appealing.  They don’t just suddenly stop waving me to their room.

I don’t know how to fix it.

But I do know I won’t stop trying.

He deserves that.  T.J. and Caty deserve that.  Gracie’s memory deserves that.  Most of all my wife deserves that.

Stannis was right.  Hard truths cut both ways.