Yes UGH Shit CUNT

The scene opens up with the camera staring at a dusty, brown door against a grey brick wall. The camera slowly moves towards the door, keeping it in centre-frame as it grows bigger and bigger in the picture.

And it keeps moving closer.

And closer.

Until the door fills your vision, nothing else apart from this wooden door cloaked in shadow, nothing else as we grow closer.

And closer.

And closer.

And closer.

Until...

Your boy pops out with a bottle of wine followed by the clattering of random bullshit; I stumble out tripping on the frame and looking back as the door slowly screeches close. I look to you, the cunt watching this.

"I don't see the problem Peter, it's not that fucking hard."

I take a swig from the bottle and look back at the closet before turning back.

"To be fair you could even make your outing party POP! Check this out."

I down the rest of the wine and yeet the bottle away which shatters onto the floor before hopping back into the closet and struggling to close the door which is stopped by a broom, after WAY too much hassle I bring the broom in and wait a few seconds. I kick the door open and hop out with a big smile, going down onto one knee with accompanying jazz hands.

"I'm a power bottom!"

I linger the jazz hands for a moment with a big, toothy grin before hopping back up to my feet and clapping the dust off my hands.

"See! Make an entrance, express yourself cunt, be the most interesting thing you did since two-thousand and who gives a shit. What do you think?"

I look down at the smiley face painted onto the football in front of me which, at this moment in time, I am 100% sure is Gilmour. He rolls to the side a little on the uneven ground. I scoff.

"That's your answer to everything! Why do you have to be such a pussy? Be brave for once in your miserable life! Take a stance, don't double back on every little thing you do! Don't call me out for bragging and only bragging before all you do is brag like a dumb cunt! How is it possible you just spout bullsihit after bullshit and still add nothing at all and make zero progress!? It's fucking amazing!"

"All you do is go in circles, starting with a point before dropping it like a plate being handled by Michael J. Fox. You talk about your almost successes before realising they're losses. You talk about how tough you'll be before admitting that I know you're an easy win. You're fucking useless, Pete! If you're not gonna try then why should I? Let's just recycle old bullshit, because fuck it! Gilmour's involved so let's just go through the motions so I can get a win and Pete can say, UGH, shake my head."

"Robert Main can stick his dick in a toaster."

"Chris Page can continue to be the most boring man in wrestling."

"Shane can normalise scat porn."

"But Peter Gilmour will always just be Peter Gilmour."

"A chinless, weight changing fucking cunt who was born nothing and will die nothing. You're never gonna win the TV title, cunt, not while I'm holding it! Fuck, not while I'm in this company! This is a title you need to have and even if I'm not the champ, I'll look over to you and remind you to sit, remind you that you're a dull, lifeless mongrel. A living joke, a piece of corn in a nugget of shit."

"You are not worth my time, you are not worth my challenge. The only thing you're good for is laying in the ring in the fetal position and make me look good. You do your job, I do mine as well as doubling up as a trashman finally getting rid of the biggest garbage the XWF has to offer."

"You want me to go all out? You're not worth it."

"You want me to try my best? You're not worth it."

"You want me to give as much as I would as anyone else? You're not worth it."

"Fuck, cunt, I tried harder against the Boston Jobber! I tried harder against Miz and Roode and even fucking Big D! And I had some cunt in to do a portion of my work to kill Big D! That is how much you're worth, minimum effort. That's all you will ever be worth."

"I'm doing literally half as what I would do, and I'm still 3000% better than you on your best day. Ha." I grab "Peter" and shake him violently like he was a magic 8 ball filled with nothing but dick puns. "Why can't you be more interesting!!!"

I drop and kick Pete away and he bounces across the room knocking over an old vacuum cleaner. I gasp in horror.

"DAD NO!" I rush over to the vacuum cradling it in my arms. "Fuzz! Dad! Speak to me!"

I click in the switch and "Dad" whirs violently before falling silent, I slowly drop him down as my pupils shake, I choke in a lump in my throat before screaming to the ceiling with a dramatic. "FFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!" I breathe heavily as I look around the room in a fury and search for Peter, I point to a toolbox.

"Vita! Have you seen him!? He's a wily cunt!"

Vita says nothing, typical. I stand to my feet in a low hunch and look wild-eyed around the basement, looking to the shadows for the chinless little cunt. My eyes spot the round, white form and I snarl before diving. Grabbing "Peter" and pummeling him with a flurry of swift punches, he tries to escape but I am on that cunt.

"You mongrel cunt mother fucking dick shit! I'll tear you apart!" Pete escape me and bounces away onto the floor; I turn around to him in a snap. "You can't run, cunt! I know this place like the back of my hand now! I know everything!!!"

I stomp over and place a foot onto Pete and speak out the side of my mouth.

"No Noah, pwease don't kill me."

I laugh.

"Death is too good for you, cunt! I've got something better planned. Stay still."

I take my foot off him and he rocks back and forth, I throw my finger at him.

"I SAID DON'T FUCKING MOVE, CUNT!"

He slowly stops his rocking as I madly stare at him. I walk over to the wall and grab some thick rope, tossing over Peter before clicking on the small radio and a song plays.



I slowly dance, rocking my arms back and forth before taking rhythmic steps backwards. I give a twirl and show a box cutter off to Gilmour which I honestly have no idea how I got. I swing my shoulders as I prance on over to Gilmour, stuck under the rope. I slowly go down with the box cutter and a devilish grin and bring the blade closer to Peter when I stab it in to take apart his flesh.

BANG!

I fall back with a huge ringing in my ears, I give a pained groan as the football is splattered on the ground. The skin ripped open as I look around the basement; as my hearing comes back I hear the door lock to the basement clatter and Evil me stands at the top of the stairs looking back at me with a raised eyebrow.

"The hell are you doing?"

I look around and hide the box cutter before going back to him.

"... Nothing. What are YOU doing?"

"You woke me up. Wanted to make sure you didn't explode the boiler or something."

"You didn't bang Vita did ya?"

Evil me leans against the door frame and sulks.

"No, she knew immediately it wasn't you, I slept on the couch."

I chuckle.

"I knew she'd see through it, she knows I can't grow a goatee due to my patchy facial hair." "Patchy facial hair."

"Yeah that came up,"

He gives a solemn nod as I stand to my feet and dust myself off.

"Right then, I've been here a week and I guess you've had your fun so you're done?"

"... It's been 24 hours."

"It's been a fucking day!? What!? HOW!?"

"And no I'm not done, I'm going to ruin your life, Noah."

I scrunch up my face.

"That's not how it works cunt, I usually do two promos and everything that's gone on in that timeframe ends. It's how it works! You can't fuck with the formula, cunt."

"Not this time, I'm here and you're out of the picture for good."

"Yeah right. And what about when Vita comes looking for me?"

"I won't worry about that."

"Oh yeah? And what about my match, you gonna fight Gilmour!?"

He makes a slight laugh.

"I just might."

I place my hands on my hips before giving a shrug.

"Fair dinkum, go for it cunt."

"Really? That easy?"

"Sure, I don't give a fuck. Fuck Gilly, he'd only give me some bullshit excuse for why he lost anyway."

"... Okay then. It's settled, I shall face Peter Gilmour!"

He stands triumphantly for a moment as I move to the stairs.

"Good on ya, cunt. I'm gonna go take a shit."

He holds his palm out at me.

"Woah, no! Go down here."

"Wha!? Don't be a cunt! C'mon, I'm letting you kick Gilly's teeth in! That's worth a porcelain squat."

He hums to himself, before nodding his head.

"Fine! Fine! But don't go see Vita, just go to the bathroom and that's it!"

I cross my heart.

"Just taking a shit, bloody oath."

He moves to the side and throws his head to let me pass; I walk up and pat his ribs [bluas I go into the kitchen, the harsh sunlight through the window burns my eyes. Evil me peeps up.

"Oh, and I'm gonna need your titles for authenticity."

I spin around at the cunt.

"What no! I earned those, you can't handle them, cunt!"

"You don't tell me where they are, you can take a shit in a can of VB."

I think before sighing.

"Fine, they're in a display case in the basement."

He grins.

"My thanks."

I turn away as he heads down, once I hear him get halfway down the stairs I turn back and close the door and locking it before walking away, shaking my head.

"What a dumb fucking cunt."

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment