(((OOC: This RP was originally meant to be used for War Games but I was away and couldn’t get it finished in time but didn’t want it to go to waste, even if this is basically a giant shitpost. Hope you like it!)))

CUNT ALONE



I’m awoken by a cacophony of cunts clattering around the place, disturbed from my slumber I awaken with great anger focused heavily in my morning wood. My brothers and sister, nephews and nieces, cunts and other kinds of cunts are rushing around hastily finalising their packing. My older brother stands next to my bed with a wicked smile.

PETER GILMOUR: “You ready for an XTREEEEEEEEEEME wake up?”

“You what cunt?”

Quicker than an emu with a bum full of dynamite, Pete whacks my stiffy with the back of his hand and laughs sadistically as I crumple over in agony.

PETER GILMOUR: “This is why you need a SUPER DICK like mine! But I digress.”

Pete continues his demonic yet somehow angelic laughter as he grabs his Maria Brink body pillow and heads out the room. I growl in frustration and kick the covers off me, I hop off the bed in my favourite Mini Morbid jammies and exit my room to the hall, almost being bowled over by the only cousin I like.

“Watch it, Kuda!”

He looks back at me with a big smile and a chicken bone in between his teeth.

“Fuck yes! We got chicken?”

NED KAYE: “Mom says you can have chicken after you finish packing your suitcase.”

A moment of shock and panic hits me like a punch to the ghoulies… Dick still hurts actually, Pete’s such a cunt.

“The cunt wants me to pack my own suitcase? Fucking bullshit, cunt!”

I storm off into mum and dad’s room, they’re talking bullshit as always.

“Cunt, I never pack my own suitcase, what the fuck are you actually thinking!?”

SARAH LACKLAN: “Eeeeewww it’s in our room, get it out, get it out!”

My mum yells pointing a cursed finger at me, my dad turns around with a sideways glance.

FUZZ: “Leave him alone, he’s not that bad.”

“Cheers, dad. Now show this cunt what’s for and give a black eye for me, yeah?”

I tilt my head over to mum and my parents share a look before going back to packing.

FUZZ: “Forget what I said, toss him off a bridge.”

SARAH LACKLAN: “Ned.”

“Noah.”

SARAH LACKLAN: “Whatevs! Either you pack your own suitcase or you’re TOTES not coming to Russia with us, I couldn’t really care either way.”

I stomp my little boy foot on the floor with a growl and exit the room, mumbling insults under my breath. Can you tell what insult I’m calling them? If you said cunts, you’re wrong. Called em fuckwits. I’m not that predictable, cunt. I bump back into Ned in the hall who is carrying some kind of folders labelled ‘research’ and ‘Nefarious Scient-

NED KAYE: “Don’t read my stuff!”

“Make me cunt!”

Ned proceeds to ‘make me’ by throwing a heavy kick into my thigh and dropping me quicker than Luca Arzegotti drops responsibilities. He proceeds to walk down the stairs as I tend to my dead leg, a swift palm knocks me around the side of my head. I look up to my cousin who saunters past.

“The fuck, cunt?”

LUCA ARZEGOTTI: “That’s for thinking thoughts about me fam.”

... I just kinda sit there amazed as he continues walking. I stand up and in a rage scream out loud.

“When I’m older I gonna live on my own! And no one can come round and play on the Wii with me or do any shit! You’re shit cunts!”

I throw a very reasonable tantrum and punch a solid hole in the wall which didn’t even hurt me one bit! I go to the stairs but I’m prematurely stomped by yet another fucking cunt.

“Fucking hell, like I’m playing Final Fantasy with all these bullshit encounters!”

LUX: “Hey cousin Noah.”

“G’day Corey.”

LUX: “It’s Lux.”

“Whatever, cunt! What do you want?”

LUX: “Apparently we’re going to be sharing a room together when we go to Russia, I’m calling dibs on the top bunk now.”

I scoff and begin to argue but realise cousin Corey or Lux is a black belt and my leg is already fucked so I roll my eyes and accept a losing battle.

“Right on but you best not piss the fucking bed!”

LUX: “Corey pees the bed, not me.”

“Well you schizo cunt, what if you revert back to having an old fella.”

She lets out a soft laugh.

LUX: “Guess you’ll have to find out.”

The cunt gives a pat on my shoulder and walks towards the bathroom, giving a brief look to the hole in the wall and a sideways glance to me, probably thinking about how cool and alpha I am. I throw my head back with a sigh and go back to see my mum and dad to talk about the room sitch before I’m distracted by my older adopted brother Deacon reapplying his makeup. I walk to the door and see my other brother reading a comic.

“Deac you sad cunt, you know Juggalos are never going to be cool.”

He stops with little change in his expression and looks at me in the reflection of the mirror.

DEACON: “To try and explain the message and meaning of what I’m doing would require attention and intelligence you don’t acquire, so I’ll allow you to make simple-minded jokes to elevate your self-esteem.”

“... Yeah, whatever you say Insane Clown Pussy you still look like a cuck.”

My other cunt brother double takes when he hears a sound out the window and drops the comic.

MASTERMIND: “Brothers, old man Lane is outside! Come quick.”

We rush towards the window in a sense of intrigue to see Old Man Lane shovelling snow in a leopard print catsuit. We watch in awe as the old haggard, washed-up cunt does a poor job of putting salt down and clearing the snow.

MASTERMIND: “He’s such an odd bird.”

DEACON: “Noah, you know what he did right?”

“Yeah cunts. Some say he was a mediocre wrestler in his prime that placed his ego too high, actually thinking he was one of the greats. He somehow managed to get high up business wise and legend has it he killed the owner to take his place.”

MASTERMIND: “How did he do it?”

I pause for dramatic effect.

“He strapped the former owner to a chair and forced him to watch every promo of Old Man Lanes. Long-winded drivel about fuck all, cunts. Blinding lights and outdated music no one listens to filled the promos as Lane basically talked about himself for up to forty minutes only taking breaks to make jokes that better wrestlers before him already made. Can you imagine that? It would drive any man insane. The former owner was already wilder than the bush so he slipped into a coma out of sheer boredom. Lane then strangled him to death with a studded leather belt and buried him somewhere no one would ever find him.”

DEACON: “Where?”

“I just said where no one would find him, cunt. Pay attention… But if I had to take a stab, it’ll be the same place he keeps his relevance.”

MASTERMIND: “Wow, so no one would know where the body is.”

I nod as we all continue to stare at the sad old cunt. Suddenly he gives a quick look up to the window accompanied with ‘I Wanna Rock’ echoing from fucking nowhere; we scream before ducking and darting away from the window. I make a hasty exit out the room. I compose myself trying not to piss me jam jams and going back to see mum and dad.

“Mum cunt.”

SARAH LACKLAN: “Uh, what?”

“I’m not sharing a room with Corey, cunt pisses the bed and I don’t want to wake up to a golden waterfall.”

SARAH LACKLAN: “AXLY! I regret saying what because I don’t care! Fuzz, get him out of here.”

She throws a hand to dad as she continues to pack. He sighs.

FUZZ: “Noah.”

I look to him with my puppy dog eyes, he slowly blinks.

FUZZ: “Fuck off.”

He turns his back to me and I give an angry groan as I stomp back outside.

SARAH LACKLAN: “That kid makes me wish I stayed with Kenzi.”

FUZZ: “I wish you stayed with her too.”

I keep an ear out listening to mum and dad’s marital problems which brings me a small amount of hope as I walk downstairs and see a cop standing in front of the door along with a pizza delivery girl.

“Where’s the pizza, cunt?”

VV: “Hey! Watch your mouth.”

“Watch deez nuts, drongo.”

I give a crotch chop towards the cunt before the large, bearded police officer leans towards me.

ROBERT MAIN: “Hey kid, does your dad live here?”

“No, cunt. Where’s the pizza?”

The copper shakes his head standing up straight again and looking around.

VV: “Some older gentleman took it that way.”

She points towards the kitchen and I give her a nod.

“Nice one, love.”

I take my leave, pizza chick gives a wave as I stroll on by.

VV: “Buh-bye!”

I enter towards the kitchen and am greeted by the unending nightmare of autism as I see my cousins Blackwater along with his weird friends scoffing pizza in a corner by themselves, my mongoloid nephew Edward just devouring chicken in some kind of animalistic battle with Kuda over who get the meatiest thighs and breasts, like two sexual predators over a carcass. The only seemingly normal ones are my Uncle Raven and Grandpa Centurion who slowly eat cheese pizza and drink their prune juice, reminiscing about the good old days which is weird considering the good old days were like ten years ago. Like fuck cunts, I remember ten years ago, get the fuck over it. I go to grab a slice of delicious pizza but it is torn from my hand by that cunt Deacon in full Juggalo mode, taking a bite of the meat feast in front of my eyes.

“Cunt, that was mine!”

He chews with a smile.

DEACON: “I didn’t see your name on it.”

“Oh nobody uses a nineties comeback on me and gets away with it! You’re dead cunt!”

Deac and I grapple, he tries to keep the remainder of the slice away as he pushes me back with his spare arm. Due to him being my older brother and therefore more dominant, he sadly does a pretty good job of keeping my small frame away. The kitchen begins to fill with the rest of the house as a few of the other kids begin to chant for this shitshow of a fight, I manage to get a slap to the cunt’s powered cheek before he shoves me against the table and I bounce off it hard, I only hear a glass smash moments later and turn to see Uncle Raven shocked that his suit is covered in prune juice, he stands up and looks to me.

JAMES RAVEN: “Now look what you did you, little twerp!”

CENTURION: “Twenty-two skidoo! Get off my lawn, you damn whippersnappers!”

Cent rattles his cane and joins in with Raven’s anger. The room suddenly falls silent and everyone looks at me like I’m the cunt! Like proper death stares from everyone. Fucking hell only knocked over a drink.

“You cunts need to chill, it was an accident.”

I look to my mum and dad who stand in the doorway in disapprovement.

SARAH LACKLAN: “You were an accident.”

Dad gives her a low five as everyone laughs and makes me feel like shit, I swallow the lump in my throat and rush off to my room; burying my head in the pillow and throwing the covers over me.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

The next morning I wake up to silence as the low winter sun pierces through my window.

I step out of bed and rub my tired eyes taking a few steps into the centre of my bedroom.

“G’day!?”

I shout out in puzzlement to the house. No answer, I walk out to the hallway.

“Cunts!?”

Still no answer, I walk into my parents' room to it empty and clean. Then downstairs where there isn’t a soul. I wander around the house aimlessly until I finally come to the realisation.

“Ah fuck me cunt, I’ve been pied.”

Every cunt is out the house and I’ve been left home alone.

I’m alone.

…

I’M FUCKING ALONE CUNTS! GET THE FUCK IN!

I immediately run around screaming in joy like I have ADHD which I more than likely do and do everything a kid my age would do when left alone for a long period of time.

I wank off, cunts.

I bat off to every piece of blue I can find in the house, in every single room. Seers catalogue in the laundry room, poster of some bird in my older brothers room. Go down to the basement, see that scary cunt boiler. Wank off to the cunt. I give no fucks.

After an exhausting night of flogging myself off, I’m buggered and collapse on the now moist couch in the living room. As I lay back with a pleased smile on my face I hear the skids of a van pull up in front of the house. Then hushed voices coming up to the house, I sit up looking to the hallway as the doorknob rattles.

I raise an eyebrow.

My heart beats a little more as the rattling stops.

“Best fuck off cunts, got traps for days round ‘ere!”

[i]The door swings open and two figures burst into my home, the cop from before and some other cunt. They almost slip on a mound of tissues littering the floor but steady themselves.

“Well, fuck, I had one trap and it’s cunted now.”

The intruders look to one another

DREW ARCHYLE: “I thought you said the place was empty!”

ROBERT MAIN: “It was meant to be, shit. What do we do with the kid?”

“Can’t do fuck all cunts, I’m swole and will twat you both!”

The short-haired intruder scoffs and pulls a gun as the hippie looking cunt closes the door in a rush and stops his mate.

ROBERT MAIN: “Woah! You can’t shoot a kid!”

“Yeah cunt! You sick? That’s almost as bad as making people picture a twelve-year-old wank off!”

DREW ARCHYLE: “I’m fine with the consequences because now that little shit has just made me picture that and I’m not cool with it.”

“HA! Now you’re a peedo!”

He frowns with a growl and steadies the gun on me.

BANG!

<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<
<<<<>>>>
…
..
.

:::We go to a hotel room, the bright sun entering through two open glass doors. Noah Jackson lays still snoring on a couch as the men in XWF polo shirts monitor him and the device strapped to his head. Noah’s friends, Alex, Bruce and Jack stand around looking at the situation. Alex takes a drag from his cigarette and exhales smoke.:::

“This is fucked cunts.”

:::One of the strange men closes his case:::

STRANGER #1: “Okay, we’re done here.”

:::The other nods and removes the device from Noah’s temples and the two make their hasty escape as Noah stirs.:::

I begin to raise from my slumber with a fucker of a headache, the sun blinds me as I sit up to see me mates looking at me like I was fucking the couch cushions in my sleep… Again.

“The fuck you looking at cunts?”

“Mate, you just got inceptioned.”

“What?”

“Some mad lads came in saying they needed a promo from you and just read your mind, cunt. It was fucked.”

“Ah for fuck’s sake. I seen so many useless cunts have their dreams shown on XWF, I didn't want to be one of them. Fucking hell!”

“Ya dreams are roight odd, Noah!”

“You lot saw it too?”

“Yeah, I mean we looked away when you started wanking. Bit weird.”

“Yeah only a fucking weirdo would watch that part and not skip past it.”

“Fair dinkum. Right, let’s get packing lads, I got War Games to go too.”

“Oh it’s gone mate, show was on Sunday.”

“Fuck off.”

“Oh yeah, was ripper and all.”

“What day is it then? How long I been out?”

“That vodka fucked you up mate, it’s Wednesday.”

“What the fuck, cuuuuuuunt!? Fuck me! Why did they grab a promo dream off me then? Am I fighting someone?”

“Brooklyn Brawler!”

“No, cunt. Boston Bruiser, mate.”

“Oh not that cunt. Well least it’s an easy win, gonna be kicking myself all week for missing War Games.”

“Yeah, and to be fair since they were pulling that shit on you they extended the holiday so we got that as an upside.”

“Ah sick! Well then cunts, let's get to drinking!”

:::The scene fades:::

---

“You know you’re fighting a jobber with an ego when every single cunt here knows this bitch I’m fighting is going to be on the back of milk cartons after he loses to me. Bald headed, baby looking and acting cunt who throws a temper tantrum because he’s too fucking dumb to realise his shit sucks more dick than his mum at alcoholics anonymous get-together.”

“This delusional fucking sack of shit who thinks he’s got every opponent pinned because he took a glance at their Wikipedia page, this chubby prick who thinks my vocabulary consists purely of the word ‘cunt’ when my catalogue is a fucking dictionary compared to the word of the day toilet paper shit this cunt has got on loop.”

“I’m gonna say it, I’d rather take Kid Kool or any of those spastics over this fucker! At least when they were it was funny. This cunt is just mind-blowing in how he’s handling the short bus. Also, throughout this promo, I’m not going to say his name. One because the name he’s chosen for himself is so fucking laughably child-like, I honestly thought we got a make-a-wish kid in playing wrestler for a day and two he doesn’t deserve the dignity of me saying his name. If I said it, it would make him more relevant than he is and he has not fucking earned that nor will he ever.”

“Why? Because this jobber is the type of cunt who DMs his opponents on Twitter after watching their promo to ask why they gotta be so mean? Fuck, he’s gonna say have I got proof on that now which I don’t because it’s a joke, it’s a fucking insult but the autist can’t differentiate between what's literal or what’s metaphorical. Cunt switches gears between what he’s talking about so much he hasn’t so much of fucked the gearbox but more tore it out and took a steaming shit on it. thinks if he says ‘hello’ to a passerby its a word class promo on his part and when someone with a brain says ‘cunt, you did and said nothing’ he goes on the defence like a prick and makes himself look even more like a big, dumb idiot.”

“Also he’s ashamed to come out of the closet, which is cowardly. It’s 2019 cunt, grow some balls.”

“That was a joke… Or was it? … Mind games, cunt.”

“Anyway, this cunt made his disappointing and smelly debut at War Games, which was a brain fart on managements part. Way to give the guy more of an ego letting him on that. So yeah, the prick comes in with just shit tier promos and does fuck all in the match but his ego says it was other people’s fault instead of the glaring reality that all he did was walk down the ramp, make a u-turn in the ring and walk back up the ramp. Fuck, this entire promo is wasted potential on my part because as I said the jobber’s going to be gone real fucking soon.”

“Cunt will rise to nothing, amount to nothing and leave nothing more than being the butt of a joke backstage.”

“You, cunt, are shit, absolute shit. Nothing more than a waste of time and breath. This promo, this entire promo has done nothing but be dragged down because you are attached to it. You’re a fucking anchor, dragging down yourself, this company, this wrestling business all because you are just some dumb bitch who thinks the world of himself. You’re dime a dozen. When you cry after losing to me on Warfare and walk out the company calling bullshit at the top of your lungs, a month later some cunt called The Manhattan Menace or Jumping Jimmy Jay will walk in and fill your spot as the annoying cunt with an ego that everybody can’t wait to get rid of.”

“You’re a shit wrestler.”

“You’re a shit promo.”

“You’re a shit human being.”

“I would say hang yourself but it’d be a waste of rope. I would say fuck yourself but you’d probably take that literally too and bend yourself into a pretzel to prove me wrong, only doing more damage to your body than years of inbreeding already has done.”

“The only thing you’re good for, the only fucking thing, cunt, is that you can PUSH NOAH!”

“Now, to save this promo you have so selfishly ruined I can only say one thing… And that is TO BUY MY MERCH CUUUUNTS!!!”



“You know what they say, you can take the kid out of the indies but you can’t take the indies out of the kid! I’ve got THREE brand new shirts for the low, low price of 39.99 US dollars, each! We got the Certified Sick Cunt tee, the shirt to prove that you are indeed a sick cunt with my own stamp of approval. We got the King Hit tee! Upgrade your donkey punch to my patented King Hit with the purchase of this fashionable t-shirt! And lastly, you too can be the pride of Australia with the Hardest Worker in the XWF t-shirt! This tee comes wide collar in case you’ve got a big head and an inflated ego like the jobber I’m facing and if not it will gracefully show off your collarbone which is very stylish.”

“All these shirts come in a variety of colours and size, available in both men and women. I give my own, Noah Jackson seal of approval to each and showing that even though some cunt wrestlers brag about having a fashion line, Noah Jay proves he actually does.”

I give a cheeky smile and a thumbs up.

“No refunds, see you cunts at Warfare.”

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment