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"The Wolf of Afghanistan" Joshua Schuler · (11-06-2017)

"X! W! F! MOTHERFUCKIN! Universe! How the fuck goes it? Fucking fast and glorious, hopefully! In less than a three fucking days, XWF is making its way to HANOI, VIETNAM for all you fuckers addicted to WAR out there! This Wednesday isn’t going to be one of the most memorable days of my life. Why? It's simple. Finn Kuhn just isn’t that relevant or exciting. Our bout will be nothing but a one-sided blood bath. Just an ugly fucking duesch nozzle donating his ass to the Motherfuckers, the XWF Universe, and most importantly myself! I don't really know why Warfare’s management booked me against Finny boy? Did Finny cross a line or does management think he could end my return as soon as it starts? If the latter is their reasoning, well sorry to bust their bubble but that just isn't fuckin happening.

Warfare is my time to continue to repay my debt to the Motherfuckers! By removing the head of the Young Lion and mounting it on a wall of our compound, bringing more honor to Camp Motherfucker! Showing of faith in answer to my abrupt absence, for my brothers and of course you all! Finn Kuhn may have been screwed out of the Hart Championship. Fact remains he is not a champion. Only real Motherfuckers are worthy of such a title. Specifically in this very instant, THIS Motherfucker!"

Bearded War Pig exclaims with a champion's posture and confidence while stabbing his barrel chest with his right pointer finger while staring fiercely into the camera. Pig lowers his right hand back to his side and winks into the camera with a devilish grin before continuing on. A small hut made from sticks and vines rests behind XWF’s Television Champion. Strap wrapped around his waist.

“What? Bearded Fuckin' War Pig! Television Champion? Why is a man who disappears more than some crack head father on Christmas Eve deserve to even have faced XWF's Television Champion, let alone be the Motherfuckin champion? Simple, I was the fuckin SAVAGE that could bring down Neville Sinclair! Standing here before every single fucking one of you in the XWF Universe I give my word, I will be the Television Champion you all deserve! No need to thank me either when it happens. It will be my pleasure to bring a whole new explosive, spicy, violent, theatrical, and most importantly over the top fuckery to YOUR eyes week in and week out. Neville from what I hear was one hell of a champion with a pretty impressive run. Neville couldn’t give you all a show worthy of your viewing with an opponent like I have on Warfare though. Luckily for yall I’ll be making sure you get the biggest bang for your buck!

That is all fine and dandy right? Wait, what the fuck am I saying? That bullshit is not fucking cool! You deserve superstars who put the people before themselves. Someone, no matter how busy they are, the people know that they are at the top of their priorities list. The kind of superstars like Robbie Bourbon, Jim Caedus, The Engineer, and myself! Not superstars like Finn ‘Boo Whoo’ Kuhn, Peter ‘Fapanese’ Gilmour, and Robert ‘I DIED too HARD’ Main . Savage needed a fucking GOD of WAR to end the Television Championship reign of Neville Sinclair, I answered. Making me deserving of much more competition than some kind of, maybe, sort of, all right wrestler with as much charisma as one of the dying pubes on my left NUT! Same for my brothers competing at Warfare. Finn Kuhn would have been the type of gay teen the preppy girls weren't friends with because he's so bland and boring. Dontcha fuckin worry a single nut hair grey though...

The ass whoopin I'm going to be putting on Finn Kuhn will be as entertaining as Two Huge Breasted Twin Midgets wrestling the Sugay Sisters in a Mud Pie Cool Whip Match! Not quite that fucking arousing. Only because my sexy ass and handsome fucking beard can't compete with Midgets packing Bazookas and God would flood the world for a piece, sexy Twins. At least not with the smuckle berry FUCK boy Kun being the other half of the equation. Fuck he is a hideous one, isn't he? Type of abortion that makes Peter 'The Dickless Wonder' Gilmour almost fuckable! Fuck No! Never fucking mind. I wouldn't skullfuck either one of those skin flute playing dinklesteins. Not even with Basic Bitch Doctor's penis, a wrestler with equal skill as those two dick bags! Those poor ugly bastards, someone should take them out back and put a twelve-gauge slug in their craniums. Oh yeah! That is exactly what the XWF is paying Robbie and myself to do!

Luckily for us Motherfuckers, we are blessed with the handsome gene. Moms know best right? Where do you think we got the fuckin name? Bwarahahaha! If you don't believe me just ask Finn Kuhn. If you don't believe him, ask his Mom. She'll tell you how handsome my dong is because well, we do it all the time! Finn's mother though, she is a fucking FREAK! She showed me shit... I don't know if I should say the kind of shit she showed me... The kind that would make Grande Ricardo cream all over his dragon!

She showed me...

Are you ready for it?

Frozen SHIT!

Frozen shit in a condom, I kid you not. At first, I had the same reaction that you probably do. I asked myself over a billion times. Why in the fucking sweet Baby Ray's is this sloppy whore showing me frozen shit? I was literally a frozen shit myself, for about two minutes. That is when it fucking hit me like a pound of frozen shit. Finn's mother was simply trying to show me her son's life and his shitty career in the XWF. It was all a bunch of shit, stuffed in a condom, frozen, and forced down every one of your throats. Over and over again, smearing brown stank that is Finn’s legacy all over the XWF Universe. Having frozen shit rammed down your throats comes to an end November Eleventh! Come Warfare, Mister Hanky is getting flushed!"

Bearded War Pig laughs like a jolly lumberjack in a light blue, grey, and black flannel shirt, sleeves rolled up, pair of tan cargo jungle pants, tan jungle Danners protecting his feet, and light weight flak jacket. His custom AR-10 with a M203 attached dangles from a one-point sling attached to the right shoulder of his flak. Placing a hog’s leg between his lips his left hand lights the tip with an American flag painted zippo lighter and takes four consecutive drags. Igniting the twisted tip of element rice paper, the first hit, Pig quickly blows out without inhaling. Once the fluffy greenery catches BWP takes a mammoth sized hit from the Afghan Skunk, rolled like pearl.

Exhaling his second hit Pig begins to smile in a more relaxed and comfortable manner, letting the THC to take effect. His brain begins to float on as he steps away from the entrance to the shelter he had built for the night. Much like Bourbon, Bearded War Pig has his own little expedition in the jungles of Northern Vietnam. Most likely, not as peaceful as Robbie’s POW mission. Not that Robbie is incapable of the type of violence that most likely will be required; its just Pig’s mind has already drowned in war. Makes sense let the man with the scars of war endure more scars. Pig places two of his fingers in his mouth and begins to whistle a specific tune. Loud and sharp, followed with three piercing kissing calls.

Suddenly two dogs of war leap out of the brush and begin wagging their tails as they heel on both sides of BWP. Pig begins patting both of them on their heads before he steps off again his companions at his beck and call. Anubis his Chocolate Lab and Doberman mix is pitch black. Then his princess Elle a German Sheppard mix is black and tan, don’t let her cuteness fool you, she’s a BITCH!

“For you slower folk out their tuning in, yes, I am already in Viet fuckin’ Nam! Of course my dogs are with me, they’d fuckin loose it if I left them back home. Kind of like Finn Kuhn would if he didn’t have his binky and baby blanket with him at all times. Seriously though this fucker hasn’t shut the fuck up about being screwed over. It was a little reasonable the first forty-eight hours after it occurred, now it is just toddler like behavior. Finny boy needs binky and blankie? Well that is too fuckin bad, because this little piggy just has a size thirteen boot for his ass! Damn straight! No one disrespects B-W-MOTHAAAFUCKIN-P, without catching an apocalyptic ass whoopin!

Finn Kuhn fell face first in a pile of hog shit when he refused to be a man and grasp my hand because his feelings and pwwwide got hurt. What is a Young Lion to do without its pride when the big bad Bearded War Pig begins snorting around in its territory? Nothing. At least nothing that wouldn’t leave the Young Lion ripped from limb to limb from powerful war husks and teeth. Even with all of his pride, the Young Lion would still face the same fate. Death. Only way for a different outcome is for the Young Lion to cower like the weaker predator it is and just let the War Pig do what it does best, whatever the fuck it wants!

Oink, Oink Motherfuckers!”

Bearded War Pig chuckles sadistically before heading off toward the edge of camp, throwing a packed rucksack over his head and on his back. Pig then flicks the camera off before stepping off on foot into the ticket of the Vietnamese Jungle as the video feed fades to black.

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