October 22nd, 2018

A round of applause serenaded Ned as the cold, red ceramic chip was placed in his hand. His thumb traced over the chip’s engravings, doing his best to smile for the fellow people in attendance. He’d never gotten a 30 day sobriety chip before, so he was at a bit of a loss for words; despite this outpouring of support by his AA group, the celebration felt palpably hollow to Ned. His foot tapped against the concrete floor, filling the dead air with noise as he searched for something profound to say, made more difficult by a thought crowding his head.

Normal people don’t do this on their birthdays.

“Thanks,” was all he managed, the cheap folding chair beneath him accentuating the discomfort of the staring eyes around him. The lead of the meeting pat Ned on the back reassuringly.

“It can be overwhelming, trust me,” the lead said, keeping eye contact with Ned, “but it’s a huge step. We’re all very proud of your progress. Just keep the faith and He’ll make the way easier.”

Ned forced his smile to hold, spitting out a cliched agreement, hoping that repetition might make it work for him.

“I know all of this is a part of God’s plan for me,” Ned lied convincingly enough to earn the pride of the onlookers, “I just need to trust that plan to lead me somewhere better.”

“It will,” the lead declared, turning away. Ned looked down, a shameful skepticism brimming in his chest. He gazed down at the chip handed to him, reading the words silently.

To thine own self be true.

April 10th, 2023

“I’m Ned Kaye. I’m an alcoholic.”

Ned scanned his eyes over the room. So much of it felt familiar to the first time he had ever come to AA, despite this meeting being secular in nature. A cheap pot of coffee, obviously burnt, held a pungent odor that cascaded around all of them. The other attendants greeted him as he attempted to formulate an answer for the prompt provided today:

Why do you feel that you drink?


Ned shook his head, trying to calm the many competing thoughts within, the woman filling in as lead for today giving him a soft smile, sitting across from him. Noticing Kaye’s difficulty in finding an immediate answer, she interjected.

“There’s no rush in answering,” she announced, keeping the atmosphere supportive, “it’s never easy to fully articulate these kinds of questions, let alone on the spot. Just take your time.”

Ned gave a nod, grabbing a small styrofoam cup filled with water and taking a swig, chuckling softly after placing it back beside his chair.


“Y’know, it’s funny,” he admitted, his chuckling beginning to fade, “I’ve spent the last decade or so getting acclimated to speaking and fighting in front of people and yet here… it feels like I’m back to my early days as a rookie, fumbling my words into a cheap microphone in some gymnasium. Nervous as all hell in front of a little less than a dozen people.”

He leaned forwards, his hands pressing together.

“I think I drink because I struggle with connecting to others; myself, too, if I’m being honest. And that seems absurd because my whole job requires connecting with others to some degree, but I’ve strained countless personal relationships with friends and colleagues. I hurt and betrayed people by giving into my addiction. I was a lousy person. It feels…”


“…like I get these thoughts tugging me in different ways and I’m stuck trying to figure out which direction makes sense in the current moment. I drink because, in a twisted way, it’s reliable. It’s the one connection I know I’ll never spoil. And it’s horrible for me.”

“That’s difficult to admit,” she responded, “but by doing your best to recognize the things that push you towards use, you can begin solving them. Our regular group leader has a lot of experience when it comes to confronting those feelings, so it’s absolutely something you ought to consider discussing with him.”

The temporary lead was about to move on when Ned spoke once again.

“Excuse me,” he chimed in, “Sorry to interrupt, but… the regular lead… when can I meet him?”

She gave an almost knowing smirk.

“That’s something he’ll have to decide on. He likes approaching cases like yours with… unique care.”


Leaning back in his seat, Ned stayed mostly silent throughout the remainder of the meeting, nursing the cup of water next to his chair as he was once again submerged in his thoughts.

---

New York was about as busy as ever outside, the hum of countless engines lost underneath the steady marching across the streets. The cyan sky loomed above, broken up only by spotty bits of clouds. It wasn’t too far of a walk back to the Notorious Gym, but it wasn’t one he’d prefer to make alone. He luckily didn’t have to.

“So, how was it?” Darcy asked, accompanying him as she tried to keep his walking pace, “they lecture you about Jesus or what?”

Ned shook his head, rolling his eyes a little, “no, no. It’s not that kind of AA. You know I don’t believe in any of that stuff anyway.”

“Oh, right, right,” she gave him a sly smirk, nudging him gently with her elbow, “you’re too cool to have faith in anything.”

“Pfft,” he nearly laughed, “I see you talking a lot about my beliefs, but I don’t hear you placing yourself out in the open.”

She put her hands by her sides, declaring proudly, “I’m agnostic.”

Ned was only able to hold himself back from laughter for a moment, adding, “And I thought I had an issue with commitment.”

She huffed softly, making her way back to his side, resisting the urge to nudge him more firmly, “so, did they give you a chip or anything? Something to commemorate getting started again?”

“Not yet,” he shrugged, “but it isn’t such a big deal. It’s just something they give everyone for hitting certain milestones.”

“I’m sure they love that kind of enthusiasm there. Makes confronting your problems real easy,” Darcy side-eyed him, prompting Ned to turn his gaze towards the street.

“My problem is maintaining connections, Darce. I don’t know that it gets solved with some ceramic,” he replied.

“Well, you could always try to actually hang out with your friends instead of brooding.”

“Instead of?” He glanced upwards, giving her a smirk.

“Oh, my mistake. In addition to,” she corrected, sharing a giggle with Kaye until something came to mind, “oh, speaking of connections, I was wondering if I could use you as a reference considering everyone else is in prison. Not even the normal kind; federal prison. That’s the Netflix without ads of the penal system.”

“Trying to work again, huh?” Ned asked.

“Yeah… Abby called me a housewife the other day as a joke. Now, I gotta stick it to her.”

Ned snorted slightly, managing to contain himself this time around, “well, feel free. I’ll put in a good word.”

“That means a lot,” she gripped his hand snugly intertwining hers with his as they continued forward, “it’s nice to know I have someone I can count on.”

“...Me too.”

---

---

---

“Stay in this business long enough, and you’ll hear a lot of talk about stars.”

“About what makes them and what doesn’t. How they are born and maintained. Who is and who isn’t. However, my opponents for this match at Weekend Warfare interact with stars in a far more literal manner, Dionysus viewing himself as a constellation in the making, a myth forged by his own hand. And Jay Omega fashioning himself a man traveling and living amongst the cosmos with his infinite variations. And yet these two men, drenched in supernatural language and physique, are so concerned with being larger than life. With being more than what they are. And I can completely understand why.”

“The first and only time I faced Jay Omega was at last year’s March Madness under the guise of The Chameleon and I was convinced that I needed to be something different. To wash away the aspects of myself that made me Ned Kaye and giving into that desire was comeuppance long before he eliminated me in that match. And yet, his issue is almost the opposite. If you’re going to believe his claims of being an interdimensional outlaw spaceman, something I do not, to be very clear, then Jay’s someone so hyper focused on himself that his main friend group is just him many times over. That’s not badass, that’s hyper-independence as interpreted through the SyFy Network. And let’s not even get into the wanton lack of respect that you have to have for your opponents to be willing to send another version of yourself out to fight your battles. Listen to him speak sometime. He has zero interest in his opponents or wrestling or anything that doesn’t validate himself as reality’s main protagonist. Also, for a guy who claims to hail from space, he sure finds a lot of oxygen to waste.”

“Dionysus, on the other hand, is everything that most people want from “stars.” He’s physically impressive, articulate, and a truly talented and dedicated wrestler, but he knows all of that. It’s gone straight to his head and this was the kind of stuff I was criticizing prior to facing him in the March Madness tournament. Because he could be a million times bigger and stronger than me, but he hasn’t had to be in my position. He hasn’t had to find bravery which means he’s never really had it to begin with. That’s why I beat him then, that’s why I’ll beat him now. For all your talent and potential, you’ll never know what it means to feel vulnerable and you’re never going to be pushed to improve without that feeling.”

“Elimination matches are tough prospects because they force you to endure. You can’t just slip by one opponent and get an easy victory, you have to outlast those around you. To prove you can. I outlasted both of you in the March Madness tournament and I faced a fresh Sidney Grey and almost won. She had to cheat to beat me and then I was the first person on her mind at her coronation. And yet I had to listen to people talk about how I might be on the way to becoming a star. About whether or not I can cut it. I’m the man with front row tickets to the Universal Champion’s train of thoughts. I have been told countless times that I can’t make it. That I’m not worth the time, that I’ll never recover after March Madness 2020 or losing to Chris or this or that and I’m done humoring it. For you two, bouncing back up is something you haven’t had to seriously consider until now. For me, it’s basic physics. I don’t stay down. I don’t stay out.”

“You can’t keep The Ace in the hole.”

"You can't run from yourself."