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Noah Jackson · (02-01-2023)

Jenny Myst eat a dog treat and not enough people are talking about it.

”G’day cunts.”

I hold up my palm with a cheeky grin showing off me gold tooth. I then run my hand through my sick mullet and pause long enough for you to stop cheering.

”Good ol’ Stone Cunt Noah Jay is finally back on telly! Now, I bet you’re wondering where I’ve been? Well, cunts, pop a sqaut and lemme tell ya. Ya see, when there’s cunts that like to take weeks, months and years off; Sick Cunt over here continued to be THE hardest worker the XWF has ever fuckin’ seen! I haven’t been one of these lazy cunts who lose a title and cry to themselves saying they're ““takin’ a break”” all the while lookin’ at past promos of theirs and reminiscing the good ol’ days like a buncha sad sacks. I ain’t been a bitch! Top Cunt here has been working the house circuit and accumulating wins like no one’s business.”

“Every week since my rehab of getting hit by a car! NO DAYS OFF CUNT! Who else is doing that shit!? I didn’t see your Uni Champ Mark Flynn do that! Nah, that cunt wouldn’t do the work! I didn’t see Ned Kaye despite how much of a hard-working indie darling he claims to be and I sure as shit didn’t see little Ms. 24/7 defending her title on the circuit! NO CUNT! It was ME and Darren Dangerous! ME and A Literal Gorilla! ME and Matt Knox whoever the fuck that is! US CUNT!”

“US! Doing the work you shit cunts claim to be all about but did you ever step down to do it? Did you fuck! And when I paid me due, when I won over 200 matches in almost two years! MANY of which were gauntlet matches were, yes, I count each person I faced as individual wins! Fuck if Mastermind was allowed to count kickouts as wins when he was X champ, I get this! If Mark Flynn can claim beating Kieran King as a win, I get this!! If fuckin’ Jenny Myst can be a champion in the year of our lord 2023, I get this!!! After I paid my fuckin’ due, I was graciously allowed back on TV after being such a thorn in management’s side for so fuckin’ long.”

“I showed that I deserve to be here while that shit cunt in the clown makeup has been as creative as Chris Page simply watching another cunt do her work and copying it, I’VE BEEN FUCKING WORKIN’ JEN-O! I’m not a dog shit cunt who sees some other cunt on TV be a crazy bitch and say ‘fuck it, I’ll do that but make it worse!’”

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“Your Xtreme Champ just eat a fuckin’ dog treat.”

“The fuck!? And let’s not let the subtext here slide either, she is 100% alluding to Isaiah King being a dog which is racist as fuck! As well as this whole shit she’s doing is a very poor representation of the mentally ill. All the while havin’ a whine about not being everyone’s cup of tea and not being voted pity party of the month.”

“Complaining like a biiiiiitch despite being number 2 in the fuckin’ company.”

“Gee. Life ain’t fair I guess, cunt.”

“I dunno maybe do a better job? Maybe not eat dog treats and act ragged? Maybe not allude to black people being below you? Maybe don’t copy shit you saw on TV? Maybe don’t make fun of mental illnesses? Shit cunt, you got a fuckin’ laundry list of shit to approve on, meanwhile all you’re gonna come at me for is what? I’m Shawn Wartstein’s kid and all I say is cunt? OoooOooh hard hitting shit, cunt.”

“You can say I’m only about this shit or that shit but truth is, cunt, I’m a solid talker and a better wrestler and I can very, VERY easily prove that against your racist, sanist, same ol’ shitty ass.”

“Now, I don’t wanna go all Mark Flynn on you cunts at home, trust I know he’s been shoving his Optimal Piss down your throats for months now but we need to talk in detail about Jenny’s dreams and how fucked they are. Now, some of you may be asking, how the fuck can we see this cunts dreams? Well, friends, there are TWO options. One, Jenny got access to a green screen, a few trained animals and got some CGI in to pretty up her promo some.”

“That option is a fucking lie.”

“Because if a person had access to all that then why the fuck are we watching her walk into a hotel and scran a box of gravy bones?”

“Nah cunt, option two is the shitshow went and got inceptioned. Which out of the two is clearly the correct logical conclusion based on the facts in front of us. Now I’d like to go step by step through this dream and I just want you cunts bare with me as we go through this.”

The road below her was soft on her feet, as the soles of her Converse squished with every step. She wore one white and one black sneaker.

“Now, my head went immediately to race again, she’s against Goth, shit name by the way cunt pick it up a bit jeez, and Isaiah King. A very pale white man from somewhere in Europe most likely alluding to Myst’s xenophobia and a black guy, both talented in their own right I’ll admit that but that’s not what Jenny focuses on. Just black and white. And wouldn’t you know it, they’re both at her feet. Bit sus, cunt.”

She called them Yin and Yang.

“Well that makes no sense. You put on the wrong shoe, cunt fuck off trying to make a statement about it. You got it fucking wrong anyway, Yin and Yang isn’t exactly about harmony, it’s opposite forces both opposing and existing within one another, that’s not harmony, cunt, that’s balance. Read a fucking book. Harmony would mean everything gets along just dandy and works in tune with one another which isn’t fucking Yin and Yang! All you’ve fucking done is reinforce your racist and sexist thoughts with white men and black men being at your feet along with giving them Chinese fucking names! What the fuck is wrong with you? And don’t chirp up pretending to be CrAAAAaaaaAAAzzZZyy either because you don’t even know how to treat mental illness with respect you fucktard! Oh but Noah it’s a dream it doesn’t have to make sense! Fuck off! You’re coherent when you’re talking in it, you make about as much sense in your dreamscape as you do in real life. You try and make a shitty metaphor by talking about King Charles Cavaliers and EATING A FUCKING DOG TREAT! Fuck knows how loose your shitty metaphors are gonna be in your dream!”

“Then you go on about wanting to be a ballerina which for the life of me I’m sure you bring up your young shit cunt goals and dream jobs like every other promo. Could be wrong but like, but I’m not double checking by going through your shit I’ll wanna open up me wrists! Or get sepsis. BUT I am sick as fuck and right about everything so I’m dead on here too. Align your goals better ya dozy prick.”

“Where was I?”

“Oh yeah, I’m Freddy Krugering you. So, you talk fucking nonsense for a bit stealing a scene off Lord of the Rings with Denethor eating like a nonce and whining like a toddler then this happens.”

A small monkey riding on the back of a galloping zebra. She squealed in delight.

“... Okay?”

This place is truly magical! It was like Disney World without the antisemitism.

“The fuck? You’re cool with racism, ableism, sanism and hating your own gender but antisemitism is where you draw the line? Wh-” I stumble over my words. “What in the bleeding fuck is actually going on here? No one has dreams like this! This is like someone who has never dreamt before in their life making up a lie on the spot! My dreams are plain as fuck compared to this and I have been told I have a VERY active imagination on more than one occasion. You’re having a tea party with magical animals, complaining that Atty is better than you, which spoiler cunt she is, you whine about some cunt no one knows. Admit TO FUCKING MURDER!? WHAT!? Then throw in a homophobic remark to cap it all off!”

“...”

“What the fuck, cunt? Is this the shit you usually do? How the fuck are you a champion here? No wonder you’re tryna nuzzle up to Lacklan so you can steal some of her shine, yeah, she’s a cunt an all but she does have something you will never have actual, real talent! And it fucking hurts to say that because I don’t want to compliment Lacklan, but I’m man enough to admit that I respect her and her work ethic.”

“Fuck, gonna have to talk about Sar now aren’t I? I mean she already named dropped me only fair I do the same. Me and Lack-o have a mutual dislike of one another, this is very clear and obvious but we’ve faced off 4 times and walked away with 2 wins each so I know her a bit by now and respect a bit too. And despite all of her many, many, many, many, irritating flaws she does something I’m truly impressed by.”

“She divides people.”

“Two camps. People that hate her so much they’ll pick up the thinnest, weakest piece of straw they can and wave it around like they won. And people so desperately wanting to be seen on the same level as her they copy her or stalk her.”

“Hooded Man, someone we legally can’t mention, Charlie Nickles and you, Jen.”

“A buncha shit cunts on the same level”

“Re-using her lines, tryna copy her, tryna be her and falling face first in the shit where you fucking belong.”

“You ONLY went after Kido when she did first! You didn’t step up, you hid behind her and tried to be all buddy-buddy.”

“You’re a fucking no-talent coward!”

“Lacklan has no right saying Kido’s been on the easy road when her Uni defences consisted of Gilly and Charlie Nickles!”

“You have no right to call out Kido’s free ride when you’ve been feuding with Goth for 2 months! When you beat John Madison Jr. who lost a handicap match against Dolly and Charlie! When the last time you got pinned was 2 weeks ago by a fucking pig! And you have the FUCKIN’ AUDACITY to say you put your body on the line EVERY WEEK!?”

“WHEN, cunt?”

“HOW, cunt?”

“Warfare is every 2 weeks!!! You have a break in between them because I know for a fuckin’ fact you ain’t workin’ the house circuits, you aren’t in another company defending that belt! You do the bare fuckin’ minimum!”

“And because you're sucking on Lacklan’s “elephant-sized nuts” as you called them, you come at me saying I recycle shit?”

“Tell me how.”

“Please, I’d love to know!”

“And be original about it, don’t just re-use what Lacklan said or what Ruby said because I’ve already proved they’re fucking dumb for saying that shit. And again, cunt, fuckin’ rich coming from you! How many times have we seen you arrive in the same hotel lobby, in the same outfit with the same bags? Give the same stare before you say the same shit while spouting that classic sophomoric humour talking about “Big saggy elephant nuts.” Go make another video re-using lines that Sarah said, go after the same people that Sarah goes after, do the same thing that Sarah does and do it with your classic twist of constantly fucking up and making it worse.”

“You’re so predictable we could play bingo with your rehashed bullshit… In fact!”

“There ya go, cunt. I just did the impossible and made a Jenny Myst promo entertaining to sit through."

"And what’s with you wanting to force Kido in putting his briefcase on the line? Something that Frodo Smackins forced someone to do in 2014 so at least you’re staying original, cunt. Don’t tell me you want to be the only special little girl with a briefcase? Because I’m tellin’ ya now cunt that is 100% not gonna happen because I am leaving with that belt I fuckin’ guarantee that. Unless of course, you fuck that up again by losing to Jason Cashe of all people and ONCE AGAIN deny people another X title match.”

“Oh I get it, you want to be all buddy-buddy with Lacklan so she cashes in and then you try and carry on with this easy win streak fighting Goth for a bit, get your case and cash-in on Sarah for the UlTiMaTe BeTraYal! Yeah, cunt, not everyone is as dumb as you, Sar probably figured it out as soon as you opened your yeast-infected trap.”

“Everything about you Jenny is weak as fuck, you lucked into a title and want to claim you’re hot shit when you’re just gonna lose it to THE greatest wrestler to ever bless this hellhole. You’re gonna fail at keeping it like you failed at being a captain at War Games. Like how you failed to keep the X last time, or the time after that. Like you keep failing to be liked even an iota. You re-use your own runs that’s how fucking lame you are, cunt. You try and surround yourself with better people in the desperate hope that a modicum of potential reaches you; the perpetual failure that is Chris Chaos in his prime couldn’t lift you up, when you were all nice with Mark Flynn in your cute little Warfare segment, that did fuck all for you and he left your side quicker than a father figure in your life and now you want your new bestie to face him because it’ll be a good match?”

“Cunt, I’ve seen your matches you have zero fuckin’ idea what quality is.”

"You have been here since 2017 and have meandered your entire career. You bitch about how you're not liked when the truth is you're just not good enough, cunt. I earned Star of the Month within a few solid months, you have been here FIVE FUCKING YEARS and haven't managed to prove yourself to your peers or the fans! Your career here is being an interim champ until someone better comes along, the only two big achievements with belts you had are now defunct due to a brutal lack of interest!"

"I am someone better."

"Sick cunt rolling in on his heelies, smacking a shit cunt and leaving a top cunt!"

I slip into a pretty spot-on Stone Cold impression.

"And that's the bottom line cuz Stone Cunt said so!"

I stop for a moment and clear my throat.

"That was weird, don't know where that came from. Must have that made-up mental illness that Jenny has."

“So, cunt" I clap my hands and press my fingertips together like I'm talking to a child who keeps acting up. "It’s just gonna be another loss for you against the first real opponent you’ve had since you got that strap. And when I move on and go further and further up the bracket while you call yourself the Queen of the XWF, I’ll be a real king, cunt! And once again, in your miserable life, the only way you’ll see a crown will be on TV.”

Laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling as light bleeds through the slit in the curtains; a shitty little cat jumps onto my stomach to stir me awake. I give a groan and brush the cunt off.

"Five more minutes, cunt."

I roll to my side shutting my eyes tighter with a snarl as the cat brushes up against my head with a purr and lets out a pleading mew. I groan and kick the covers off me still in the same clothes from the night before and fall out of bed crushing empty cans of VB under me; I squint to the light looking at the large pupils of the cat, his tail sweeping and curling in the air.

"Fiiiiiine, c'mon cunt."

I stumble up and walk my shoulder into the wall as the cat follows me with a chirping mewl. Sleepily making my way down each step downstairs, passing the front door with piled up mail and into the kitchen housing more empty cans. I swing open the cupboard and take out a packet of cat food and eat the lot of it! I'm joking, I'm not Myst. I open it up, that fucked smell of gravy and processed meat pierces my nostrils and almost makes me heave as I squeeze the contents into Ned Kelly's bowl who dives his stupid face into it and becomes feverishly eating it up. I stumble back against the fridge tossing the packet aside and going to make me self a coffee.

Sitting down at the island, I take a sip and rub my temples trying to halt the migraine. I take out my phone and brush away the several messages and thousands of email notifications to load up Clash of Clans™ to shit on some kids.

Ned Kelly, formerly Deepthroat, wraps himself between my legs and rubs up against my shins, I gently kick my foot to give him a rub on his head as he leaves the kitchen and makes his way to the back garden while I am absolutely demolishing piss babies!

Then, an annoying ding comes from my phone and a message notification pops on screen.

A number I don't know with a simple message.

:: UNKNOWN NUMBER: Lacklan and Angie are tag champs, time to get to work. ::

I stop my dominating performance on wrecking a cunt's village and look at the notification until is disappears up the screen. I place my phone down and lick my teeth before a smirk enters my face; I take a look around my surroundings and get to work clearing the counters of empty cans.

The smirk stuck on my face as I do.

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