Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

Dolly Waters · (08-05-2022)

We’re brought into a large television production studio, the stage is set for what appears to be some type of Californian desert, somewhere near Los Angeles. The site of Saturday Savage.

There’s sand dunes, shrubs, even some dead meth addict bum. But really, the whole studio is a front for the headquarters of a lazily planned, pseudo-criminal organization led by a couple of pro-rasslers. The grift is right before our eyes!

Make no mistake, we see the beautiful Hollywood studio quality of the desert and the dead bum. We see the “front”. But spelled out before us by way of the crew, lighting fixtures, exposed framed walls, concrete floors and so-on, is the obvious: this is a parody. Nothing serious. It’s always that way with this organization.

They’d like you to think they deal in all things bastardly under the sun: ripping off the wrestling industry, ripping off Antique RoadShow artifacts in capricious and bungling pyramid schemes, ripping off any television show or movie with an inkling of nostalgic value. All as some means to construct a paralyzingly lame, and banal shadow industry painted with the guise of

[Image: 5ufvqvz.gif]

…eNtRePrEnEuRsHiP…

But everyone knows they’re just a couple of no good bitches.

Oh, look! Here they come now!

Entering stage right, stepping right over “the dead meth addict”, is totally not Dolly Waters and Vita Valenteen. I mean, it’s totally them, there’s no suspension of reality here. We easily spot Dolly’s particularly shredded frame, that always looks like it’s recently been in a car accident. She’s marching along with a swaggy smile to center stage. Vita follows along, tight with her feet like her unmistakably cautious and introverted personality. This is without a doubt Dolly and Vita, but they’re both wearing lucha masks, their trademark hairstyles awkwardly threading out from their eyeholes, and thus…

Hello everyone! I’m Hollow Reigns…

DollyHollow introduces herself with animation and excitement, but then blinks through an awkward silence in anticipation of-

Ugh. Do I really have to say this?

Vita pulls a flash card away from her face, dropping her arms and slouching her shoulders with dismay towards “Hollow Reigns”

Look, I know it’s trashy, but we have a reputation to uphold, and the combined emotional capacity of one singular fifth grader. It’s only by a miracle that I haven’t used the words ‘fuck’, ‘shit’ and ‘piss’ between every fucking shitty piss breath i’ve fucking taken, oh shit, here i fucking go-

Okay, OKAY! Fine! she relents to a smiling and excited “Hollow Reigns”, if only to stop her inane babbling, - -and MY name is Swallow Paynes!

And we’re nothing but a couple of no good bitches, here to demonstrate today for the umpteenth time, that everything about us is a parody.

Hollow’s words sound empty and uninspiring, as her demeanor settles into a mockery of the vapid, and lazy “champion” that she’ll be challenging on Savage.

Especially our reputations for bravado

Crying like a toddler CAN be easily mistaken for being tough. Hollow reminds Swallow, before continuing on in a sleepy sounding drag, littered with random outbursts of problematic language

especially our shitty ass fucked championship reigns, like piss mouth rape fuckin-skunk-coochie Dolly Waters.

Swallow chatters out a nervous and embarrassed chuckle. She’s still warming up to the idea of associating herself with a total moron, but maybe with a little bit of grooming she can teach Hollow how to appear to be someone only acting dumb ironically.

I'm sorry, friends. What Hollow was too mentally handicapped to convey just then was: She knows that her XTreme Championship reign is a complete and utter joke, and she needs to think of a way to lose the belt before Dolly Waters beats her for it.

Hollow’s face warms over as an incredibly stupid thought occurs to her, looking like she’s enjoying having just shit in the bathtub.

That’s right! Hollow snaps her fingers, I’ve already been defeated twice while being a 24/7 Champion, and no one noticed it, if I lose to suckamarapejokefuck then everyone will notice it! I need to slip up on purpose and lose this belt so I can at least have an excuse for being such a sputtering shit wiffle.

The whole time, Swallow’s face has been turning with horror and confusion. The same way Bobby Bourbon looks when he’s listening to TK try and form rational language.

Wait! Why would you lose the belt to avoid losing the belt? And hold the front door, WHEN did you lose two matches while being XTreme Champion?

The first was in ProCW, when I was arbitrarily wrestling under the guise of- Hollow motions her hands over herself noting the “disguise”, the “front”, and then even over Swallow, looking like an idiot who’s really proud they sliced off their own penis,El Hollow

But everyone in ProCW knows that El Hollow is Hollow Reigns.

So? Hollow shrugs,

So it’s not really a guise then.

Hollow chews on the thought for a moment, deeper mental exercises like this one are a struggle,

Well, it’s a guise of a guise, sort of like everything we do ya know?

Swallow slaps her hand on her forehead, the same way Dolly Waters slaps the ass of a Bastard anytime they get into verbal exchanges, and groans out:

But you’re openly prejudiced against Mexicans. How does any of this follow the parody thread?

It makes things funny and entertaining. Hollow drools out, her mouth slung open,

It’s not funny. A howl of wind and a tumbleweed from the production team creeps through,Or entertaining.

Oh… well, then it’s a triple guise! A guise, of a guise of a-

You’re consistent if nothing else.

Yer’ goddamn right I am. Don’t you know that “consistency” is what matters in pro wrestling? I can’t wait to tell shitmouthwaterclit how my consistency makes me a better wrestler than her, and how she needs MY help

Again, it makes no sense. But I support your craven and hysterical thought process nonetheless.

Genius isn’t it?

Swallow blinks slowly through a glaze of incredulity. As if Hollow’s overwhelming stupidity had killed her spirit.

Not in the least. Hollow smiles at the compliment. Her ignorance is tormenting. Swallow groans loudly and droops her shoulders again, looking around at this empty and thoughtless desert scene that Hollow had the production team assemble.

Let me guess- Swallow begins to infer the boring reasoning for this waste of a setting -Mhmm, but Hollow begins to confirm the worst herself:

Barren, hollow, dry, boring, lifeless, just like my championship reign!

Swallow can’t believe she’s been put in this position, Wow. No wonder you need us to get back together as a tag team. Singles wrestling has been tough on you.

Hollow knows she sucks, but she’s going to get defensive anyway, Oh! Like it’s been any better on yYyOoOuUu!

Swallow points at Hollow Hey, at least I have a tournament crown this year! You just admitted that you shouldn’t even be champion. Where is the XTreme Championship even?

Hollow folds her arms and jerks her head toward the “the dead meth addict” lying face down in the grime of the sand. His pants pulled down to his ankles, a discarded banana peel tucked in his doody stained underwear. And once again, the unoriginality overwhelms the now shaking with frustration Swallow Paynes as she stammers out: great,the Xtreme Championship is a dead meth addict in the desert.

Whoa, rude! Hollow barks, That’s not just ANY dead meth addict in the desert, Swallow.

HEY! the meth addict lifts his face from the sand, and blurts out at his acknowledgement with desperate fervor,

Carson Daly

HEY EVERYONE I’M CARSO-

No one cares that Carson Daly is speaking,

What would a Bitches parody be without an arbitrary nostalgic cameo?

You’re not wrong… but why is he wearing clown makeup?

Fuck if I know, it’s Carson Daly! I didn’t even remember what he looked like.

Me either really.I forgot he even existed. Just like the XTreme Championship since you've been holding it.

Hollow practically purrs, and pulls her hands over her heart, nuzzling her head into an imaginary hug and giggling,

-and here’s the boring and obligatory moment in a Bitches promo where I prove to not be completely after all.

The parody skit that’s not really a parody skit is interrupted, but not altered really, after all we’ve known from the onset that this was merely a “front”. So when “Hollow’s” and “Swallow’s” phones both make a chirping alert simultaneously, its as if no curtain is pulled even though-

Yer’- a scoffing chuckle sputters from Dolly Waters -friggin’ kidding me! while at the same time Vita reacts LULLLLLZ. Dolly is pulling the luchador mask off, studying the alert on her phone with a wide-eyed blush.

XWF ALERT: Latina Submission Machina has defeated Thunder Knuckles for the XTreme Championship. Details to follow.

Carson Daly stands, says nothing, and wanders away into obscurity, Jesus. Vita begins, pulling up next to Dolly and looking over at her partner’s phone, just to make sure her brain hadn’t rotted from playing the role of a Bastard, No wonder Bobby is such a belly-aching baby all of the time. Having to swallow that everyday must cause some real indigestion.

Dolly hisses a little laugh through her teeth, looking away from her phone and looking at Vita with genuine enamorment. Hence that awful name The Midnight Dolls share a laugh over Bobby’s chronic swallowing issues. Dolly looks at her phone again Good for Robyn though! Look, LULLLZ! she points to the video of LSM pinning TK on her phone, he’s just lying there! What an absolute waste of a title reign. At least the belt belongs to someone who’s capable of winning a case now.

Vita nods, but also stretches her lips across her face I’m definitely happy for LSM too, but what about the plan?

Meh. she shrugs with indifference, knowing well that you can’t assume TK to be a solid wrestler, much less a champion, I'm just shocked he still had the belt by the time I challenged him. The only difference is now, I have to beat the hell out of TK so badly he has no choice but to accept- -AAAND That’s not all!

Wait! Vita holds her hand up, prompting Dolly to hold any further thoughts on TK. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? A cheeky little grin slips on Dolly’s face as she watches Vita hold her cellphone up in position abso-fugghin-lou-WAIT! We gotta’ do it up right! In the true spirit of a TK parody.

Dolly snatches the phone away from Vita and begins fidgeting with it, What are you doing?

Just adding some dumb filters, and screen effects to overcompenstae for how lousy and routine my promos have become.

Whoa! You know how to do that type of stuff?

Pfft! Totally. This is gunna’ be tight!

You’re such a neckbeard.

But Dolly only fills the screen with suggestive emojis

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
😘😘😘😅😂🤣🤣😂😅😅😂🤣🤣😂😅😘😘😘
U R👉👌

Don’t forget my random song that no one will listen to.

You usually include one of those anyway.

pReAcH!

This is kinda awkward aint it, TK?

The thought of YOU, being dressed up and disguised as a daunting task between the ropes? ROFL! It was only a matter of time, but at least the illusion of your title reign ended with a mercy kill via LSM, as opposed to what I’m going to do to your soul on Savage. Make no mistake: I was going to be the one to expose that hollow reign of yer’s and snatch the Xtreme Championship from the bowels of indifference. But all the more power to LSM for showing the world what we already knew- - -

Or excuse me- - -

- - - for showing us all what we cared so little about, that we forgot that we knew:

That Thunder Knuckles was never going to win a briefcase.

There’s no doubt about it, homie. I was going to beat you for the XTreme Championship, just like I’m going to beat you now.

Too bold? Pfft! I’m better than you TK.

You can call me over confident all you want, saying that I’m underestimating you. But I’m going to show everyone why the wrestling world-over put a little too much stock in your one-off victory over Robert Main. I mean, you’ve already shown it these last couple of months, but YOU being such an uninspiring, pussy of a champion turned everyone off from the Xtreme title scene- so no one noticed.

April, 24th 2022… four days after sweating-out the XTreme Championship from Ned Kaye (lul, WHAT A FEAT!) “El Knuckle” gets pinned on an OCW PPV: Technical Difficulties by something called Easton Alexander. Technical difficulties, indeed. And don't let the name fool ya’, the whole joke on OCW TV is that “El Knuckle” is Thunder Knuckles in a mask. The world knows exactly who he is.

Four days.

FOUR DAYS, TK?!

Your XTreme run was really almost as short as my most recent! Granted mine came by happenstance of beating Caedus in WarGames. It was nothing I was actually seeking, or interested in carrying. Unlike you. It only took four days for no one to care that you were champion anymore.

But do you think Theo Pryce cared?

Do you think he noticed that his XTreme Champion, the second most prestigious championship in ALL of wrestling, just got pinned on a rival company's TV? Yer’ goddamn right he noticed, he was just praying that everyone else didn’t notice. It wouldn’t surprise me if Theo tried to bury the story. Because it’s legit one of the most embarrassing moments in XWF history.

But then comes the Cannabis Cup.

Session Two.

Day One.

When everyone had no choice but to notice: it was Thunder Knuckles. No half-baked racist disguise this time, just the good old, plain old, lovably illiterate, spineless piece of trash that helped turn the tag team scene into Comrade Criminal’s one man division. The heralded “XWF Xtreme Champion”. He loses again, this time on official XWF media platforms. He gets pinned in the center of the ring by Cholo of all people. Yes, the same Cholo who just cowered out of WarGames. It’s almost like you gave him some parting advice after he beat you for the Xtreme Championship beat the Xtreme Champion's ass in the Cannabis Cup. I guess it’s no wonder you hid out during WarGames, dude. After being pinned on world wide television, as Xtreme Champion, FOR THE SECOND TIME, I’d be crapping my undies too.

Oh, but wait a second…

tK tRy rEaL hArD tO jOiN wArGaMeS bUt mEaN bOsSeS nO lEt hIzm

Sure, after cowards like Marf, and the aforementioned Cholo, once they bitched out at the prospect of being led into a slaughter by Bobby Bourbon- THEN TK thought he could look tough trying to sneak on Daddy’s team after the fact.

Sorry dude, you only confirmed what everyone knew: that you can’t do a damn thing without Bobby there to lend a hand. Hell, you even knew better than to try! You got dotted out like a burning cosmos against Kido in March Madness. Turn around and barely beat a man who’s only way of winning is by creating video games of himself, and then you get beaten by an OCW nobody four days later. Easton Thomas isn’t even on the OCW’s top 10 list. And they’ve only got like 14 wrestlers!

Then we beat up on Chris Cruze, Ringmaster and Marf, like the easiest first three Xtreme defenses I’ve ever seen. EVER. All TK had to do was enter WarGames, score an elimination or two, and not get pinned and he could've been a briefcase holder! But after last year’s debacle with team BOB, TK knew he better steer clear of facing real competition. He knew all along that his reign was fraudulent, and he desperately tried holding on until LSM finally put an end to his dream of ever being a Uni champion.

I hope you weren’t planning on coming into this match, pointing at my failures as a reason why yer’ going to win. My failures push me, motivate me to improve and adapt. Your failures left you tucking tail at WarGames, and left you silent as the grave when I was bullying Bobby in the booking rooms. So don’t even pretend to act like you have even a shred of moralistic credibility over me when it comes to wrestling.

Afterall…

It was YOU who asked ME to the Margarita Mix, and in the midst of the worst stretch of my career no less. Are you going to change yer’ tune now? Say it was all some nefarious plot by the Bastards, or better yet, say that you felt sorry for me? Cool story if it were possible. But that’s not it at all. “El Knuckle” was tired of having his shit pushed in both XWF and OCW, and he knew Momma Waters had no other intentions in OCW other than defending her Margarita Mix crown. So he wanted to ride my waves, just like he does Bobby’s big ass when he’s slurping up his piss water in the pool. But I’m happy to carry you to the finals, it’s all the more proving the points I’m going to make.

You see TK, the only reason I wanted to take the belt from you in the first place was to use it as leverage, to get something I want out of you. I didn’t give a shit about yer’ hollow reign. I know it’s a tough pill to swallow, but the world was just sitting back and waiting for you to lose anyway. And since you proved to fuck up so miserably, I’ve got no other option than to maul, and claw, and club and strangle what I want out of you:

The Midnight Dolls versus The Bastards at Relentless.

I’m going to beat the fear out of you on Savage, and yer’ gonna’ accept our challenge.

wordcounter.net: 2,999 words (copying around img links and emojis)

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Hollow Reigns and Swallow Paynes
Author	Message