Greetings everyone, and thank you for tuning into ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT. I’m Nischelle Turner and we are broadcasting LIVE from the occult event of the year!

Behind Nischelle is a massing group of freaks and weirdos. Some are decked out in various robes, some wear strange masks. There are even a few people who are buck naked save for being covered in what appears to be blood. Tommy Wish’s chateau has been completely upended, with any trace of furniture or normalcy stripped away and a massive stone alter erected in the main living area.

The shot pans out a bit to reveal that Madison Dyson is standing next to Nischelle.

Madison Dyson, good to see you!

Good to see you, Nischelle. Madison leans in and they do that fake kiss to each others cheeks thing that you would swear to God only appears in movies with over the top depictions of yuppies but here ya go.

So, tell us what we’ve got here.

Well Nischelle, you hit the nail on the head when you said this was the occult event of the year. My team, Viewer Desecration Advised, is conducting the first infernal golem creation in over 50 years! And we’ve invited simply EVERYONE to attend. The Master Ch’GTHON is here. The New Orleans vampire contingent. The Bavarian Bloodletters. The Pastafarians. Leonardo DiCaprio. We got ‘em all! Madison gushes.

Meanwhile, we see an astonished looking Latina Submission Machina in the background, who is standing just behind Nischelle and waving Madison Dyson down. Madison makes a not so subtle “go away!” wave, but LSM is insistent.

Excuse me, but I think my partner needs to speak with me. Terribly sorry!

No problem at all Madison. Oh, is that Chuck Woolery?

Yep! He’s one of Mammon’s most ardent followers! Just give me one sec, babe.

Madison skirts around Nischelle with a look of annoyance and approaches LSM. What?! Can’t you see I was conducting an interview?!

Madison, we never discussed all this publicity! What are you doing?!

Well excuse me! But I’m just putting our team on the map!

We still should have talked about this! LSM sighs and crosses her arms. Tommy is very upset. Somebody sacrificed a goat in his bathtub.

Well, we won’t have to worry about Tommy much longer. Once this golem is complete our team will be Tommy free and fucking unstoppable.

Yeah…right….

Oh, don’t tell me your getting cold feet! You don’t even like Tommy!

I don’t. But all the same we’re staking the success of our team on some monstrosity that's never wrestled before!

In the background, the naked cultists have surrounded Unknown Soldier, who is stripped down to his scivvies and cheering as they dump a bucket of blood over his head.

It’ll be fine, trust me!

How many disasters have started with someone saying “trust me”? First Soldier asks me to trust HIM, and now you're asking me to trust YOU: what's next, you're going to ask me to trust Mercy?!

Pish post Latina, everything will be fine. Madison spots someone over LSM’s shoulder. Oh shit, the Master Ch’GTHON needs to talk to me.

Yeah…yeah… LSM waves Madison away. Once she’s gone, the team leader turns around to survey the carnage. She shakes her head and mutters, Madre Mia!

As the dark revelry commences, we see Tommy Wish coming through the front door dragging a wet, bloody sack behind him. Soldier notices him and calls out, Tommy you got the feet?!

Meanwhile, Mercy lugs the limbless torso of David Berkoiwtz up to the alter, and she slams it down on the cement top with a sickening slapping sound. Oddly nonplussed by the horrific sight, Nischelle places a mic in front of Madison’s face.

Madison, you have been one of the most outspoken people on your team. However, there is one team you have yet to mention: The Notorious Alliance. How come…

I’m sorry, who?[pink]

The Notorious Alliance.

Madison chuckles.[pink] I’m sorry Nischelle, I hate to say it but I think you’re mistaken. There is no such team at War Games.

But….there is…?

No, no Nischelle. I mean, look, I realize we’re seriously stretching the bounds of reality in this promo series, but the notion that there is a team out there that is so insignificant, so MEANINGLESS, that they have escaped my notice is…heh, I’m sorry its just impossible.

But they are a real team, Madison.

Madison is starting to look mildly annoyed. If there was a team called The Dangerous Alliance…

Notorious Alliance.

I’d know about it, okay? Like, what are the chances of there being a collection of utterly meaningless incel level upper decker turds that are so inscrutible, so aimless, so utterly devoid of purpose that I wouldn’t even realize they exist? Yeah, there are some truly gutter tier teams this War Games, but this notion that there would be some infinitesimally useless group of wayward fuckoffs that defy my notice via their sheer insubstantiality just doesn’t make sense. I’d NOTICE, okay?!

Nischelle relents. Okay, okay!

Now lets get serious. A lot of stupid pricks have had a lot of stupid shit to say about this absolute unit of a team. But the fact is that unlike a certain two other teams in this thing, we are all present and accounted for. And we’ve been in it since the beginning.

People want to sleep on us because Mercy hasn’t been around much. But just because somebody hasn’t been a presence doesn’t mean they’re not deadly. You think Bruce Lee was a pussy in his first fight because nobody had seen him before? No, of course not. He was a badass unknown quantity who upended the world and skull fucked it. People not knowing who you are has absolutely no bearing on what one can do. And yet these collection of fucktards all seem to engage in this magical thinking that equates presence with talent. Do you people realize how dumb that sounds?

All that means is that Mercy is untested. And all of you were untested at one point. Did that mean you sucked? No, it meant you were UNTESTED. Fresh. Clean. New.

Now some of you might think that because Mercys untested she’s gonna wash out. And that might apply to someone who is capable of introspection, who is capable of the level of cognitive process that results in self doubt. Simply put, Mercy is not capable of that. Is a wolf capable of doubting itself? Does a super predator ever question its ability to get the job done? No, of course not. And it’s the very same with Mercy. Now prepare to get eaten, flesh sacks.

Oh, and by the way….Jenny? Congrats, you too have also officially earned the title of…

R E T A R D

So, Mercy is moonlighting as me apparently? And she’s a loudmouth? Bitch, listening comprehension, DO YOU HAVE IT? Mercy and I are separate people…

WE ARE NOT THE SAME! Suddenly, Mercy is beside Madison, leaning into the mic to speak. Madison steps aside, gesturing for Mercy to take the reigns.

NonE oF yOU kNoW WhO I Am. sO lEt ME eDucAtE yOU. I dO nOt ofTEN SPEAk as It CAuSeS mE pHYsiCAl PAin…

Mercy clears her throat, pausing a moment. When she starts speaking again, its in a much more even tone of voice.

Can you imagine that? The very act of speaking causing you pain? You know, it sounds cliche to say that one’s entire life has been nothing but pain. But it’s true of me. I was beautiful once. But it was never enough. I was a model. An icon. I banked on my beauty for years. But as it goes, the beauty starts to fade. And so does the attention. I became addicted to…improving myself. But money doesn’t last forever either. And as my entire livelihood circled the drain I turned to riskier and riskier sources to sustain my beauty. Until a botched procedure turned me septic, literally turned my blood to POISON. I literally burned inside, punishment for my vanity I suppose. I lost multiple organs as the surgeons attempted to save my life, cutting out the rot until I was left a wombless husk of a woman. I wanted children once…I wanted…

She starts to drift off before returning to the present.

I wAs…I…wAS…

She clears her throat again.

I was a mother. Despite it all. I lost that too.

Her hands curl into fists.

None of you motherfuckers know suffering like I do. None of you know pain like I do. And yet you all pretend to know me. You discount me, you malign me.

Fill me up with it assholes.

Because for as much insult as you heap at my door, I assure you I have insulted myself longer and worse than you ever could. I have lived knowing that every second of agony I caused MYSELF. Thanks to my own ego and narcissism.

Did any of you know that about me?

Of course not. To do that you would have had to try. You would have had to BOTHER. But none of you did. Not that I blame you.

So I have resigned myself to this existence. Meting out punishment. Embracing ugliness, and cruetlty and pain. Because its all I know. Its all I deserve. And its all you will see out of me at War Games.

I…I’M dOnE…

Her voice once again dwindles to a rasp. Madison, looking surprised, chuckles. Hey, go get ‘em tiger. With that, they both walk off stage right.

Tommy carries out the two legs of the ladies whom he had murdered, and sent it to the alter. Tommy wasn't too pleased with doing all this, so he wanted to leave the Alter but Nischelle kept on buggin him for an interview until he gave in.

“I heard that they wanted to replace you, is that true?”

Tommy just looked at Nischelle, as he looked into a corner. “Yes, it’s true…”

“Wow, what a shocking revelation!”

Tommy looks into Nischelle’s direction, takes the mic from her.

“I have done what I need to do, and they can continue to build a monster for all I care. I kinda feel “bad” for cutting their legs off, and dumping the remains in a river. As I ponder on what’s to come within Wargames, I tend to think about what is going to come moving forward.”

She looked kinda scared at him, as he looked into her eyes with the motion of a Bateman.

“Just like me bringing up those Sudden Death crew, I know that we aren’t on the same level in terms of “star power” or even drawing marketability (minus Machina and her old masks that would fly off the shelves.), but what I do know is that we all share a common trait, and that trait is being the one to be the last team standing.”

He hands the mic back to her, in an agitated state. “So does that mean you think your team will be the ones to win it all? Or do you think–”

“NO…. but here me out on this, If I had the choice, i’d make it a REAL Wargames and have two rings, and make one of those bastards have to wave a flag to surrender or me breaking someone’s Ankle in order to achieve the victory, but atlas that's not the case. I mean, this is going to be like some Thunderdome shit, match beyond anyways from the way things are heating up between myself and the crew against Sudden Death and company.”

“Well uhm, I see on that, but I would like to know how you feel how much of an impact that Bobby Bourbon and Chris Page makes with Sudden Death with Dick and Oswald as the leader?”

Tommy then does a quick chuckle as he peeped the ritual behind her, and he looks at her with a smile on his face.

“Shit, I guess they HAD to add Bobby and Page, the two most “over” acts within the company. I know they have their share of glory, but does it even count when they have to be on the same team. Page can be an egomaniac son of a bitch who likes to put over the word YOU as if it’s a shitty catchphrase and Bobby who makes Charlies seem more sane than the rest of my team. When they have both elements in that ring, I can smell a sense of a breakdown waiting to happen within a moment's notice, and I don’t think for a second they can handle being in the same room let alone a freaking ring.

I mean, if Page and Bobby had more screen time then Dick and Oswald then I already know what time it is, because it seems to me that if they were on a short time loan just to get flatlined by us. If Page can somehow show up to Switzerland not drinking his own bubbly, or Bobby who’s more fixed on Jenny’s TV strap can stop for a second and think about this Wargames, then something good will pop off, but it’s up to them bastards to know what to do with that.”

Tommy tries to leave the altar again, but she wanted to know if he had any last words. He turns to her and tells her this.

“All I know is what I think, and I think that they aren’t up to the code to my team, and that’s not to say I have my doubts with where I stand, but all of them aren’t above it. They will have to suffer. I don’t like to say much else about it, so leave me alone!”

Tommy walks out of the Altar as the rituals are still active.

Nischelle then turns to meet Unknown Soldier as he brings up the arms of Richard Ramirez.

Unknown Soldier, a pleasure to meet you.

What kind of pleasure we talking?!

Your teammates have already said quite a bit about your opponents at War Games. What do you have to say to them?

I’m going to desecrate their corpses and suck their souls out of their busted ribcages. I’m going to turn these pussy sons of bitches into hellhound chow, and I’m not even going to break a fucking sweat doing it!

Nischelle looks taken aback, but she trucks on anyway. Um…wow. Okay. So who do you think is the biggest threat you have to face at War Games?

Jesus Christ, because he is the only one who can stop Viewer Desecration Advised from mutilating our enemies! We’re going to chop Oswald’s fucking head off, and shove it up Bobby’s asshole, then we’re going to make a OswaBourbPageducken’ by shoving Chris Page’s severed DICK into the mix! The only one who can even TRY to stop us is God himself, but if he dares to show his face I'll rip his asshole open too, and then I'll send it down to SATAN! on a silver platter!

Now Nischelle looks like she is going to borderline vom. Well that was…graphic. She looks afraid to continue. Any other closing remarks you’d like to make?

HAIL SATAN!

Soldier walks out of the Altar as the rituals are still active. Nischelle then turns to meet the captain of the team herself, LSM!

So, LSM....

Nischelle looks down at the severed head of Anthony Hopkins, which LSM is holding in her hands in front of her waist. LSM looks awkwardly between the severed head and the interviewer.

I swear this is a one-time thing!


Well, it's ok if it's not! I think people like this darker, rougher around the edges version of you. Do you have anything to say to the competition?

LSM bows her head and releases a soft sigh before she looks back up at the interviewer.

I can’t believe we’re here already.

I joined the XWF less than a year ago, and here I am already, Captaining the winning War Games team! It’s kinda loco isn’t it? Ned Kaye, Oswaldo, Calypso, Mr. T-shirt, and Jenny from the block have a combined 400 years of XWF experience! And here I am, standing shoulder and shoulder with-

LSM shakes her head as she holds a familiar looking head in her hands.

No.

Here I am, standing head and shoulders ABOVE the whole lot of them! We’re all Captaining our first War Games team, and I’m doing it with less experience and more intelligence than all of them combined! But my meteoric rise in this company shouldn’t be a mystery, because success is literally built into my code, built into my programming: sweet victory is the motor oil that keeps this Machina’s mouth running!

I’m literally a generational talent. I’m a wrestling genius, inside that ring and outside of it. I made the perfect draft selections with every pick, and it shows! All of my soldiers came to battle with their weapons raised and their warcries ready. But what about the other teams?

Sudden Death had half their team suddenly drop dead.

The War Masters are too busy warring with themselves to fight anyone else.

The Notorious Alliance is chock-full of notoriously boring wrestlers that I won’t see in the finals.

And the Meat Clowns would have been better off if they had figured out a way to replace their team captain!

Golly gee, this game is starting to feel less and less like a war and more and more like a genocide! But of course this year's War Games was always going to end in a bloody massacre, because I drafted the most disgusting, bloodthirsty wrestlers on the roster. Am I a bad person for teaming up with the darkest, most vile talent the XWF has to offer? Or am I just a strategic genius? You tell me. Would you rather team up with a Satanic DemiGod, the girl from the grudge, and your own stalker…or would you rather fight all three of them at once with Elijah frickin’ Martin at your side! I think the choice is pretty clear- it’s pretty clear that Jenny Myst made the wrong choice- in all three rounds of the draft!

But of course, that sensitive Sally is just full of bad choices. Elijah Martin was a waste of a pick, even mentioning his name here is a waste of my breath! Elijah just hasn’t been the same ever since I took that Anarchy belt off his waist. Savannah Knightley STILL has better odds of getting to finals than Jenny’s second round pick! Elijah's probably too busy licking his wounds with Holden Ross and Bam Miller to even give a damn about his team!

And Jenny's third round pick? Oh geez. Hasn’t Angelica skipped out on half of her pay per view bookings this year? Are we sure she even showed up to the Meat Clown orientation, or was that just Jenny Myst with half-decent makeup and a better hairdo? Sure, I had some bad pay per view showings this year: because I got kidnapped in the middle of my match! So what’s Angie’s excuse? She’s just lazy and doesn’t care that much about wrestling? She just won’t put in the work to be great? Or maybe her car just wouldn’t start!

Ay dios mio…no wonder Lacklan’s lesser half fell to the third round. The price of gas has soared so high that she just doesn’t have anything left in her tank! And why the heck is Angie hanging out with Ruby instead of her teammates? Is Ruby the only person who will give that annoying puta a ride to work tomorrow?!

And Raion Kido at number 1 overall? Kido’s a great wrestler, I won’t scoff at his technique, but he was FAR from the best pick in this draft! Jenny Myst was a prisoner of the moment, so captivated by the David and Goliath story that she totally took her eyes off the prize. She’s not even thinking about building a winning team, she’s just trying to get as close to the top belt as she physically can, because she knows the only way she’ll ever hold it is if she asks Raion really, really nicely!

Raion Kido is great on his own, but nothing about him says team player. I’ve seen him throw the entire Anarchy brand under the bus, countless times- so how’s Elijah going to feel about that? Raion Kido isn’t going to work with your team, he’s not going to put you all on his back and take you to the promised land, he’s just going to cast off your dead weight the first chance he gets! If you think Raion will break a sweat to break up a pin you’ve got another thing coming, Jenny! He wouldn’t even break up that pin for McBride against Mi Padre, so why do you think he’s going to break up a pin for you?!

That’s why I drafted Mercy, I know she’s a team player! Mercy is so team-oriented that she collaborates with Madison Dyson every waking hour, I mean, those two take the whole ‘women go to the bathroom together’ trope to the extreme! Those ladies are so team-oriented they use the same stall every time they go to take a caca on our enemies!

And, also….HELLO?? My team gets to have Madison Dyson at ringside throughout the event! I got to draft a 2-for-1 with two of the most fearsome women to ever step into a ring! Madison and Mercy engrained themselves in this team, and they are willing to put this team on their back. But Raion Kido? Pffft. Raion Kido is too busy playing around in the Bear Pit in Bern to even give his teammates a phone call! If Kido gets to the finals, he's probably going to get to the finals alone: and then, he's all mine!

Just like the finalists from the speed run team will be, whoever happens to eek past the War Clowns. I don't care if it's Criminal, Game Girl, or Calypso- because I know it won't be Hanari- I'm going to show them what TRUE LUCHA LIBRE looks like! They are no match for my technique, for my training, for my leadership. I have my entire team behind me and a black belt in Brazilian jiu jitsu around my waist. I just dare them to lock up with me!

As confident as ever! Any closing thoughts?

If the other teams WISH for our MERCY…

They must SUBMIT to our SOLDIERS!


LSM stares into the camera with rageful intent before walking off screen with the severed head of Anthony Hopkins in her hands.


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The shot focuses in on a grotesque man situated at the rear of the altar. The gaggle of freaks all draw to a hush as The Master Ch’GTHON speaks in a grating voice.

Is it all here?

Yes, master, all the pieces are assembled.

Excellent, we can then begin the ritual. He waves his decrepit bony arms over the body parts and starts to mutter in Latin. Meanwhile, Viewer Desecration Advised looks on. Latina Submission Machina looks skeptical, Mercy looks vigilant. Unknown Soldier has his hands clasped as he grins with quiet excitement. Tommy looks seriously unimpressed with the whole thing.

The ritual progresses, with the Master’s hand movements becoming more dynamic, drawing infernal sigils in the air, sigils that in time start to form blazing lines out of nothing! Now, LSM starts to look intrigued, holding a hand up to her mouth in surprise. Madison claps her hands together with a triumphant look on her face.

[center]

The body parts start to stitch themselves together, ragged flesh meeting ragged flesh as the skin seems to sew itself anew. A vile black energy begins to wisp in and out of Anthony Hopkin’s dead mouth, as if propelled by an impossible breathing. And then, the musculature of the corpse starts to twitch. The Master Ch’GTHON’s chanting rises to a fevered pitch and suddenly…

ARISE! …The body sits up! The pieces now fully fused into a grotesque abomination of man. The cultists in attendance all gasp in wonderment. LSM mutters under her breath in shock, and makes the sign of the cross over her torso. Unknown Soldier raises his arms triumphantly in the air and calls out HAIL SATAN!

And that’s when the head of Anthony Hopkins lets out an anguished scream. The scream of a mind utterly destroyed by the sheer insanity of its circumstances. Madison laughs nervously. All part of the show, everyone! She tries to placate, but even the Ch’GTHON looks mildly concerned. He continues chanting, but the4 screaming of the Anthony Hopkins head just drowns it out. Everyone in attendance starts to mutter amongst themselves. Until, improbably, Nischelle from Entertainment Tonight walks up to the alter and holds the mic up to the golem’s screaming mouth.

So tell me, how does it feel to live again? Her empty headed question actually causes the golem to pause a moment. Hopkin’s milky dead eyes try to focus on her. Madison jerks her head at Nischelle, vainly trying to indicate she should move.

And that’s about when the Golem leaps off the alter and tackles Nischelle. Nischelle screams and the cultists nearest the alter stumble backwards in shock. The head of Anthony Hopkins growls feral and then proceeds to bite down on Nischelle’s nose, ripping it clean off her face. She screams again, this time in a more nasally manner, as blood pumps from her face and over her mouth.

YES! YES! Soldier cries out, clearly loving the show.

Madison steps in. No, NO! Uh, excuse me infernal hellspawned golem! I am your leader and I demand you stop murdering that Entertainment Tonight hostess!

But the golem simply ignores her, balling up its fists instead and proceeding to pound Nischelle’s skull into a fine paste. Madison retreats back to the team and LSM smacks Madison’s shoulder.

Jesus Christo you said you’d have control!

I do! I do!

Now, the golem sets his sights on the Master Ch’GTHON. He looks hinder and yon for some sort of support, and then, finding none, he mutters Oh shit. The golem leaps over the alter and collides with the Master, proceeding to pound his skull into paste as well. By now, the panicked cultists are starting to trample each other in terror as they pour towards any point of egress they can find.

Damn it Madison, do something! LSM screams.

Hey, you, GOLEM!

The golem roars at Madison in response.

Eeeep!

Hey Maddy, things are getting pretty gnarly! Unknown Soldier punches a cultist who runs into him full boar.

Fuck it! Tommy declares. Tommy leaps into action, running at the altar and leaping atop it in one smooth motion, before propelling himself off and landing on the golem’s shoulders.

Holy shit, Tommy! LSM hollers.

The golem howls and screeches, trying to reach back to dislodge Tommy as he digs his feet into the golem’s shoulder blades and wraps his hands about it’s chin. Gnashing its teeth and tottering, the golem desperately tries to get Tommy off, but Tommy holds onto it like its a bucking bronco. Then, steadying himself, Tommy takes a tight hold of its head and pulls back with all his might. And, before long, the magical powers that were holding the head in place start to become undone! Foul blood starts to leak through the suture point as the neck starts to separate from the rest of the torso! The Anthony Hopkins head howls in bitter agony as Tommy wrenches back on its chin once, twice, thrice, with the third pull tearing the head clean off the golem’s shoulders. Tommy rolls off the beast’s back as it totters and falls over. Then, head in hand, Tommy holds it out and punts it across the room.

By now, the area is mostly clear, leaving the team alone with a smattering of crushed cultists. Soldier, looking impressed, intones Holy shit Tommy, that was fuckin’ sweet!

Latina Submission Machina shakes her head in a combination of surprise and awe. Yeah…that was….impressive!

Tommy, hands on his hips, looks at his team mates and scowls. Ya know what, I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it! You were gonna replace me with that thing and I just kicked its ass.

No, no, no! Tommy bear! Heh! Madison steps up to Tommy as Mercy prods a toe at the body of the dead golem, ensuring its dead. We were never gonna replace you! We wanted the golem in ADDITION to you! We wanted….

But Tommy cuts off Madison’s bleating by….kissing her?! Tommy grabs hold of Madison and smooches her deeply and passionately. Soldier and LSM both go eyes wide. Even Mercy is shocked into…err…further silence. Finally, Tommy lets go of a stunned Madison. Sorry. Had to do it. Feelin’ damn good!

Was it as good for you as it was for us?!

Madison scowls at Soldier. Shut up! And Mercy! Madison gestures at the golem. Clean this shit up! Madison storms off, leaving the team amongst themselves.

As much as I hate to admit it Tommy, we owe you an apology. You really came through in the clutch and proved your a member of the team.

Mercy comes up behind Tommy and claps a hand on his shoulder, drawing a degree of surprise from all present. wELL dOnE. She rasps before returning her attention to the pile of sewn together parts.

LSM steps forward to shake Tommy’s hand. Team?

Tommy considers her warily for a moment before clasping her hand in his. Team.

And that’s when the corpse of Nischelle Turner lets out a massive rattling death fart. Soldier starts laughing hysterically, and finally Tommy and LSM do too.

And thus we leave the team of Viewer Descretion Advised, mutually bonded over the death flatulence of an Entertainment Tonight Host. Meanwhile, Mercy picks up the golem corpse and starts schlepping it towards the garbage disposal in the kitchen.