"I dont see why we have to crawl through the vents, Jen"

Ash was coughing as she said this, the copious amounts of dust and asbestos getting into her blood stream through her facial orifices.

"Shhhh" Jenny says, continuing to crawl in front, "We are almost there."

Ash rolled her eyes, even though Jen didn't see it.

When they got a little further down the narrow vent, Jenn stopped. She looked back at Ash with a big smile, her black lipstick barely visible but her white teeth shining like stars in the massive abyss of space. Then, without warning, she kicked down hard. The two women fell into a large room that looked like a professional sports team locker room. It was nice, and seemed virtually untouched. It was pristine.

"What the hell--where the hell--are we?"

Jenny smiled big and bright, jumping up and down like a child at Disney World.

"This is the XWF locker room, Ash!"

"Umm.....we came from the XWF locker room.....what the hell are you talking about?"

Jenny walked over and rubbed her hand over the lockers that seemed almost untouched. The large blue XWF logo still remained on the floor, and there were replicas of all the companies belts on the wall. She walked over and put her hand on the Shooting Star title--no defunct because they had nobody worthy of defending it and were too lazy to recruit new women worthy of being champion--and made her way down the line. She stopped at the TV title belt, and looked at it for a moment with a grin.

"Jen.....how the hell did you know about this----"

"You weren't here much" she said in a cold tone. "You were in Left Hand, and goat boy Baphomet told you when you were allowed to shit and how to wipe your ass. This was the XWF Locker Room, the single greatest shit talking establishment in the history of professional wrestling!"

Ash shot back, "I could do whatever I wanted!"

"Even leave me alone to navigate a world that was against me? Let Chris Chaos ruin my life and and that two dollar wannabe Gerri Vayden cheat to take my title?!"

"Jen...there is more to it I am...."

"Don't you dare say sorry!" She got up close to Ash, in her face.

You could cut the tension with a knife.....the two women were nose to nose--well, really, it was nose to boob due to Jenny being significantly shorter but you get the gist--and both were breathing heavy.

After what felt like a century, Jenny giggled and stepped back. Clapping her hands she spoke.

"This place used to be so fun until the soft-serve bitch bodies here in the XWF decided that words hurt their wittle feelings, and the XWF brass no longer allows its 'stars' to occupy this room. I used to come here to practice shit talking my opponents....it really helped me a lot."

Ash was still taken aback by Jenny's sudden burst of aggression towards her, and it took her a moment to respond.

"So, why are we here now?"

"Why not?"

Ash shrugs.

"But for real. Why not? They tell us we can't do this, can't say that. We let them control our lives. I am here to prove that Hells Belle's can't be controlled!"

"Noble" Ash said, touching one of the replica tag team title belts.

"So hit me."

Ash turns, looking at Jen.

"Lay it on me, Ashy Pants!"

Ash looks at her with her head cocked.

"Make me cry!"

Ash clearly doesn't wanna do it......and Jenny is getting frustrated.

Just as Ash opens her mouth to attempt to trash talk her bestie and tag partner, both women whip their heads to the side.

"What was that?"

Jenny's eyes narrow to slits.

"They're here...."

"Oh God Jen, not the orderlies thing again! There is no way that anyone else can get in here unless they came through the ven----"

There it was again. The sound of rustling and what sounded like whispers.

Jenny turns away from her friend as she starts to overturn everything not nailed down.

"I KNOW THEY ARE HERE!" She is in a rage now.

She pulls everything out of the garbage, including the bag, dumping it out. She flips over tables, and throws items from the trainers table around the room. She then proceeded to open every single locker....when the sound at the door came again.

"They are trying to get inside."

"Fuck....Shit fuck balls!"

"Hide!"

The two cram into a locker. It was Barney Green's old locker, hence why they could both fit. Robbie's was on the other side of the room, but his smelled like baby shit and Indian food.

“And In!”

The door rips open! And who sprints past the locker room, slamming it shut behind them?

What diabolical duo delves in devilishly duplicitous deceit? What draconian dyad damaged Double Trouble’s trust?

Who else but the Tag Team Champions, the North Korean War Criminal and Mark Flynn?

"I think its fine"Ash whispers to Jen, "its not the orderlies."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW!" her voice a loud whisper, whatever the hell that is.

Ash sighs. "Because if they were the orderlies, they would have found us already." Her tone was stern, despite the whisper.

Too distracted by the ongoing escape to notice the loud whispering locker, Flynn flips around and blocks the door with his body.

NK posits curiously, the stolen device seized contraband resting in his hands, “Did we lose them, Mark Fl-?”

Flynn shushes the totalitarian, and taps his extended index finger over his mouth.

“...e Hearties! They can’t ‘ave gone far! Spread out and reclaim the booty!”

“Aye, cap’n!”

Dozens of pirate-y voices start to spread out…

…

“We’ll spread out and search all over!”

…Getting further…

And further…

“We’ll go this way!”

…

…Gone.

Flynn breathes a sigh of relief.

“You know my favorite thing about fighting Double Trouble, NK?”

“What is that, Mark Flynn?”

“Two Jay Omegas putting their heads together? Is still half-a-brain!” Flynn slaps his knee and guffaws. NK tries to do the math on his fingers and is somewhat confused as to how two can add up to one-half.

“THEY’RE IN HERE!”

Flynn jolts to a start and backs up against the door.

“They fell for the ol’ ‘Stay-in-the-same-place-but-let-your-voice-get-quieter-like-you’re-walking-away’ trick, Cap’n!”

“Yes, indeed, Me Cabin Boy! SURROUND THE DOOR, ME ‘EARTIES! WE’LL GIVE ‘EM THE OL’ HEAVE-HO!”

Flynn slaps his forehead. He sighs.

“...Okay, that’s on me. I’ll own that. Not the first time I’ve been tricked by a pirate.”

Flynn looks over at NK, still pressing his full body weight against the door.

“Change of plans, NK! We’re busting out!”

Jenny grips Ash’s arm tight. “You hear that, Ashy? They got a Buster-Outer! Perfect for escapees like ourselves!”

“SHHHH!” Ash says, again too loudly for a locker to shush someone.

“Have you figured out how to make Omega’s space thing do space things yet?”

NK lifts a finger in the air triumphantly! “I have taken my final step towards complete mastery of Omega’s device, Mark Flynn!”

Flynn raises an eyebrow, impressed. “Radical.”

“For you see, among Comrade Omega’s effects, I discovered…” NK retrieves a thick white book.

“The W.E.I.R.D. User’s Manual!”

NK clears his throat and flips it open.

“Chapter 1: The Terms & Service Agreement. Whosoever operates this…”

Suddenly, the door buckles! Flynn is launched forward a half-foot, before back-stepping against the door.

“Lift the cabin boy! Prepare the human batterin’ ram!”

“‘Tis an honor to die breaking down a door as me father before me, Cap’n!”

"...As to that, lad; if'n ye survive, remind me that I've a tale to tell ye about yer pappy."

“Skip ahead! Is there a chapter called like Laser Cannon?”

NK is aghast. “Mark Flynn! In all my years of Central Command, I have never SKIMMED a document in my life. But, never fear! I am a speed reader!”

NK flips to the second page.

“Ah, here we are. The Warning Section as per Proposition 65 from Space California… Operating and servicing this device may expose you to exhaust fumes, space debris…”

SLAM! The center panel indents a couple inches…

“Yarrrrr! We’ve almost got it, men! Prepare the second-cabin-boy-battering-ram to finish the job, just in case!”

Flynn forward-rolls over to his tag partner and smacks the manual out of his hands.

“Mark Flynn! I was about to memorize the visual index…” NK goes to the floor to retrieve the manual, as Flynn slips the W.E.I.R.D. out of NK’s hand and onto his wrist.

As Flynn secures the tablet computer, Jenny squeals silently (however one would do that)! “That must be the buster-outer! Our ticket to freedom!”

Before Ash can shush Jenny again, Jenny is slipping a finger out the crack to open Barney’s locker from the inside…

“Enough with the book! Like the bicycle, the lightbulb and the blimp, you learn these things by doing!” Flynn twists a couple knobs on the W.E.I.R.D. and an LED display pops up.

New User Detected. Would you like a brief tutorial on primary features, narrated by Nikola Tesla?

NK claps delightedly. “Oooh yes!”

Flynn shakes his head. “No!”

Then, please say desired function or press the Option Control Dial to select device function

“LASER CANNON!”

Function or Permission Not Found

“Dammit, I’ll find it myself…” Flynn starts pressing a dial in the top right of the screen… The W.E.I.R.D. starts blowing cold air.

NK shakes his head. “That’s the TEMPERATURE control dial.” NK flips back to page 2, then points at a smaller dial at the bottom of the tablet. “THIS is the option control dial…”

As the two fiends distractedly bicker over the correct dial, Jenny slowly opens the locker… Ash tries to pull her back to avoid this whole pirate scenario… Instead, Jenny reaches past her and grabs… Barney Green’s signature trashcan lid!

Ash is crossing her arms like noooooooo, don’t do thaaaaaaaaat! But, Jenny continues to sneak up on the pair!

Suddenly, the hinge on the door breaks. A hooked hand reaches through the new crack to unlock the door.

“PREPARE TO BE BOARDED, YE BILGE RATS!”

“Fuck.” Flynn twists the dial rapidly, the AI voice companion desperately trying to keep up.

VIRTUAL STY- DOG GRO- HUMOROUS QUIP GEN- MIND TUNN- TELEPORT- FIRE EXTING–

“WAIT! WAIT! GO BACK!” Flynn twists the dial.

YOU HAVE SELECTED… TELEPORTER

“YES! Let’s get the Hell outta here…” Flynn slaps the green button on the display.

WARNING: INSUFFICIENT OR ILLOGICAL COORDINATES SET. PLEASE CONFIRM DESIRED COORDINATES.

NK’s eyebrow furls concerned.

“Mark Flynn, perhaps we should proceed with caution?”

Flynn twists the dial angrily.

“DO THE THING!”

YOU HAVE SEL- EXECUTING COMMAND.

Jenny starts to swing downwards with the trashcan lid! Ash covers her eyes horrified!

Suddenly, a stream of white circles shoot out of the device… The entire room seems to shake…

The door bursts open!

The pirates charge in.

…But the locker room is completely empty. All four of our… heroes? Gone without a trace.

The pirates tear open lockers and kick down the bathroom doors… (y’know, that Jenny and Ash hadn’t already torn open and kicked down).

“They must be somewhere ‘round here! Find ‘em!”


"So what we have here is a bad case of identity crisis and denial. The Omega boys don't know who they truly are, and the sewar sisters seem to think that mediocrity is something to be celebrated. I've taken them to the woodshed already and I won't lie, I think there is some sexual tension there on the part of Erica Marie. Gross. Just because I am a tough woman doesn't mean I am a rug muncher. I mean, look at Rhonda Rousey. Everything about her SCREAMS lesbian, but she takes more dick than the Washington Commanders cheerleading squad....."


”Wow! And I thought WE pushed the envelope, huh, NK?”

"Too soon? My point here is that people aren't always how they appear. Most of the time, it is an act, a gimmick, a ruse.

SHENANIGANS!

What I used to be. I used to be an act, putting on an act for everyone to try and boost what I am woman enough to admit was a fragile self image. I was such a Regina George! Now I can finally be myself, be free! Omega comes out here and tries to be something different every week, to put on a show for you all, to be the epitome of "sports entertainment". It is sickening. Now I get to team up with my bestie and the Tag Team Champions and show the entire world that I am finally.....for realz.

OOOOOO it is so exciting!"

*giggles, jumping*

"But Erica and Erin have been quite a thorn in my side lately, haven't they? They have been trying to get between Ash and I, and have been trying to be the new Betsy Granger and Gerri Vayden."

”Forgetting to promote their matches? Classic Geri Vayden.”

”Pretending to be a kind soul and ACTUALLY being a massive asshole? Classic Betsy Granger.”

”Why ambush Barney Green, Erica Marie?!? What did Barney Green ever do to YOU?!?!”

”I mean, besides humilate you in a wrestling ring. Do you realize Barney has logged ONE WIN since his return? That SINGLE win was against Erica Marie! How horrifyingly bad at wrestling are you when you're the only thing keeping Barn-Dog from the BOTTOM?!?”

*shivers*

When you put it like that, I am sorry, that is an insult to Betsy and Gerri. At least they had SOME talent. These two couldn't win a wrestling match if they were facing themselves.

”Y’know, if they faced themselves, I bet they’d still forget to show-up for it.”

It's so pathetic that it’s bordering on adorable. Between the four of them, they could qualify for the Special Olympics in team events! Erica looks like the physical embodiment of a one worded text message. Bland and boring, and her sister, jezuz! These two are as bland as it gets, so maybe having the Omega turds on their side will liven up the party a bit. Everyone loves a good party! But for realz, Erica. If you're gay to stay, just say it! Subtle hints do nobody any good! BUT....if someone tries to sit on your face, I sure hope they don't start at your forehead. It could take years to reach the rest of your face. That thing is MASSIVE. If you had a fraction of the amount of skill as you do skin on that dome of yours, maybe you wouldn't be the XWF's new running joke! You've surpassed Barney Green at this point! That is saying something!

"Haha, Comrade Myst is correct! Erica and Erin are laughably poor opponents! What was management thinking booking this match, Mark Flynn?"

“See, Page, I get you just started running Warfare proper, but here’s a tip: If some green-as-gooseshit geek has A. Lost to Barney Green?”

“B. Ambushed Barney Green the next week and STILL has never beaten Barney Green.”

“C. IN FACT, Has Never won a match in her XWF career.”

“And D. Hasn’t actually fought in an XWF Tag-Team match yet?!? With her sister or otherwise?!?”

“MAYBE DON’T STACK THEM UP AGAINST THE TAG CHAMPS, PAGE? No matter how many pretties they put before their please.”

“I mean, giving us a week this easy… Who does Page think we are? Double Trouble?”

Flynn and NK laugh and slap five.

Erica and Erin are going places.

Landfills are a good place to start.

Not being able to find a man that wants to touch you doesn't make you a lesbian. Even though your sisters "man" is more of a bitch than both of us--pretty sure that vagina makes the grand canyon jealous--at least she has someone to go home and play big spoon with. She looks like the type who would say "I'm vegan" while someone is dying. You look like a foot with long hair. You are jealous of your sister..... and I haven't given you the time of day. OK, we get it. Now go put on some Melissa Ethridge and tell me all about how I'm everything that's wrong with this country again.

Flynn raises a finger, but ends up swinging his hand like that comment was so heated, he burnt himself being near it. NK similarly blows on his partner’s hand to cool it down.

And the Omega turds. Well, I'll be honest, I don't know much about you two. Double Trouble? No, bitch, that is Ash and I. You two wouldn't know trouble if it bit you in the taints. You wouldn't have made it on the roster I was on before. XWF has gotten softer than baby shit these days, and that is the only reason why you two have any kind of relevance at all. The tag division has shit the sheets worse than a hospice grandma. But, I will give you two credit, you keep coming back for more like a bad herpes outbreak.

Like a REALLLLLY bad one. Blisters and everything.

Gross.

”Hang on, Jenn. We’ll tag in real quick.”

”We’re quite familiar with Double Trouble.”

”Well, well, well, if it isn’t the space crooks.”

”We’ve caught you red-handed, executing a Code APEX.”

”Conspiracy to steal the tag team championships. The verdict is guilty. And the sentence is a beating from Flynn, NK, Jenny Myst and Ash Q.”

”Although, one point we must give to Double Trouble over APEX… At least they actually wrestle on non-PayPerView matches!”

Flynn scoffs. ”You call these FARCES matches, NK? Who has Double Trouble taken on, really? The Disintigrators? SALT AND PEPPER? You know how many combined wins those two teams have over their XWF careers?”

Flynn and NK both make circles with their hands.

”ZERO, Comrade Omega.”

”I feel for you, scrub, I do. You know you don't belong in the big time, but you keep getting forced up on the big stage, only to shit your spacesuit."

"Just like what happened at Fire & Ice. You showed some meager promise, turned out to be the brightest star in the dim six-pack of reject lightbulbs that the XWF hired.”

“Then, you got screwed in next to an actual lightbulb like Captain Corey Smith and he made you look like the defective pseudo-star you really are.”

”We hope you’ve enjoyed taking on talent hand-picked to make it look like you have a chance against us, Double Trouble!”

“Because after you try to come after the tag champs AND Hell’s Belles? With the dead weight of Erin and Erica Who-Gives-A-Shit hanging around your necks?”

”You’ve got…”

Flynn and NK make circles with their hands again.

”ZERO.”

”CHANCE.”

Jenny looks at the pair like the giant nerds they are, before turning to the camera.

But like, for realz, you two seem to be on the lower end of the spectrum both in terms of wrestling acumen and brain functionality. I thought Flynn and NK were goofy, but you two take the cake.

On Warfare, I am taking it back.

GIMME MY CAKE BITCH!