Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

Thaddeus Duke · (03-06-2022)

February 25, 2022 - Early Morning Hours

Pulling my Corvette into the garage beneath Woolworth Tower, I set the brake and sit quietly. No sounds, except the low throaty rumble of modern American muscle. It’s been a trying week for me. I try to explain what exactly is going through my mind but nothing changes. Either I’m doing a piss poor job of voicing my issues, or no one is paying close enough attention to what it is I’m saying. I’m not at all saying that everyone in my life needs to stop everything because I’m having a problem. Yet at the same time… I’ve felt unheard.

I left New York two days ago. No advance word to anyone. Lauren and I got into an argument at the Velvet Rabbit and I left. I left her there to her own devices and I just drove. For about a half hour, I was driving aimlessly. Or at least, that’s what I thought. Reality is, I ended up at the airport, got a hold of Kiran Dean, a singer friend of mine who had a gig in Atlantic City, and flew by helicopter to meet him there.

Killing the engine, I exit the car and look over at Lauren’s Jeep… Ricky’s Mustang. Both are vehicles I bought for two people I love so much. With a sigh, I head toward the elevator.

It was nice though, to just forget my troubles for a little while. There’s just so much going on. The war. My fathers trial. The animosity between Liz and myself. The same animosity between Liz and Lauren. Not to mention, my XWF contract is quickly turning down toward zero and I have no idea what I want to do next. Retire? Re-sign? Sign elsewhere? It’s a huge decision on my shoulders yet no one can make that choice but me. It should be an easy one, but it isn’t.

On top of everything else, Berta, my long-time housekeeper and cook, and basically the mom I never had, is just constantly butting heads with Lauren. It’s easy for us to blame Lauren. She’s the new one. She’s the one entering our lives. She’s the one being difficult. All of that might be true, but it’s also only looking at it from one side of the coin. What a lot of people don’t see, what they don’t realize, is that Lauren was sort of thrust into this life and it was done cold. When we married, she didn’t know half of what she knows now about me, about my family, about how grueling and demanding my life really and truly is.

Lesser men would have jumped out the bedroom window a long time ago.

I joke about doing that constantly.

Lauren has tried very hard to assimilate to my way of life and has received zero credit for it. Maybe it’s time we give a little, and make things a little easier for her.

Entering the house, I’m almost disappointed that it’s quiet. It’s after two in the morning, so it’s not exactly unexpected. Exhaling a deep sigh, I proceed through the mostly dark penthouse. The only lighting is that of some recessed floor lighting along the baseboards. Just as I start to make my way up the steps to our bedroom, I see a light switch on in the kitchen and decide to check it out.

Inside, I see Berta fixing herself a night cap.

”Hey,” I say as I enter, causing her to just about jump out of her skin.

”Dammit Thad,” she says with a sigh of relief. ”Can’t sneak up on me like that at my age or you’ll be huntin’ a new housekeeper.”

”Sorry,” I say quietly. ”I didn’t mean to scare you.”

”Where the hell you been?” she asks.

”Jersey,” I say while taking a seat at the breakfast bar.

”Want me to fix you somethin’ to eat?” she asks. Her demeanor softens once she notices the way I look. I’m not disheveled or anything, but I’m exhausted. She’s a mom. Not my mom, but a mom… and mom’s just know.

”Nah,” I answer her quietly.

”Honey,” she says, and I can almost see her physically switch from the sarcastic sass machine, to ‘mom’ before my eyes. ”What’s goin’ on with you?” she asks while taking a seat next to me.

”Nothin’,” I lie. ”At least nothin’ you need to worry about. It’s just some things I need to talk to Lauren about.”

”Honey you should’ve seen that one comin’ the minute you stuck your dick in her. That Blonde Girl is nothin’ but trouble.”

There it is.

Blonde Girl.

For weeks, Lauren would tell me how Berta treats her and I’d shrug it off. That’s just Berta. Or, she’ll come around, give her time. And the always famous just kill her with kindness.

Okay, so maybe Lauren can be kind of a bitch. Anyone who has ever met her, knows that’s a fact. But she also mistreats people she feels mistreats her. Since Lauren has been with me, Berta has never once called her by her name. Only ‘Blonde Girl.’

I’m done with that.

”She has a name, Berta,” I say to her and she sets her drink down and looks at me. ”I’ve had all I’m gonna take with you two and your ladydick measuring contest. Her name is Lauren, start fuckin; using it.”

She looks at me in a stunned silence for a few moments.

”You don’t have to like her, but she’s staying… and you’re gonna start showin’ her some fuckin’ respect. Is that understood?”

She hesitates, but eventually nods.

”I have enough shit going on and I don’t need the two of you on the verge of burning down my fucking house.

“It.

“Ends.

“Now.”

”She’s not good enough for you,” she protests.

”And what is good about me Berta? I push most everyone close to me away, I’ve constantly hurt people I love. Not to mention I’ll climb into bed with any man or woman that even shoots me a nice smile.

“What the hell does that make me Berta?”

”A lost human,” she answers quietly, the sadness obvious.

We sit in awkward silence for a few more moments. Saying nothing, I excuse myself. Just as I start through the archway…

”Thad honey,” I stop and turn. ”I was wrong,” she says as she climbs down from the stool.

”About what?”

”About your wife,” she answers.

”Lauren,” I remind her. To which, she nods.

”Truth is I thought I was protectin’ you,” she begins to elaborate. ”I’d never seen you fall so fast for anyone. Not Garrett, not Liz, not Adi Gold… no one. No one, but her.

“And I’ve heard the stories, heard the rumors that she’d use people. She’d sleep around, jumpin’ from dick to dick. She’d use up her goodwill some place and move on to the next. I thought she was using you Thaddeus.

“She ain’t been loyal to anyone or anything but a dollar.”

”A lot of people think that,” I admit to her. ”But they don’t know her the way I do.”

”Since you left, she’s been a mess,” she says with a pause. Long enough to make me feel entirely guilty for taking off. ”She’s started cleanin’ up after herself, she’s been cryin’ almost non-stop.”

”Shit,” I say quietly.

In a rare moment of candor and emotion, Berta steps toward me as a tear rolls down her cheek. ”Lauren loves you honey,” she says, wrapping her meaty arms around me.

”Why are you crying?” I ask of her, tears welling in my own eyes as I return her hug.

”Because you ain’t got a momma to tell you how good you are,” she answers. ”You got some problems and you hurt people because of it. But I’ve watched you for years and you are a good man. Worthy of the love of others.

“Sometimes,” she pulls away from me. ”You have to allow yourself to forgive you.

“Honey, your momma’s not here to look out for you. Someone’s gotta do it.”

I’ve always looked at her kind of like a mom. In all her years in my service, I never knew she looked at me like a son. It’s… incredibly touching.

”I’mma go see my wife now,” I tell her before exiting the kitchen and starting up the steps. Berta exits too, heading down the hallway toward her room. ”If you get lonely, go spoon with Ricky some more. Maybe he’ll let you be the big spoon again.”

She lets out her boisterous cackle. ”If only I was thirty years younger.”

Up the steps on the third floor, I drop by Frankie’s room and open up. He’s sound asleep with his arms wrapped firmly around his ‘momma bear.’ If you don’t remember what his momma bear is, it’s the teddy bear his step father had made for him out of some of his birth mothers clothes after she was killed.

Sometimes I lose perspective of what really matters. Though I don’t expect people to really be able to grasp my own struggles, what they think of me doesn’t matter. The money doesn’t matter. The planes, the cars, the boat, the houses… none of it matters. What people think when I shower those I love with lavish gifts, doesn’t matter.

But Frankie matters.

His struggles matter.

Talon and Caty, they matter.

Lauren matters.

Just as I close Frankie’s bedroom door, one of the babies starts to cry. Heading down the hall a bit, I poke my head into the nursery and flip on the light. Talon. The child that looks so much like me it’s almost scary. Sitting up in his crib and red faced, he sees me and stops his crying to a whimper.

”What’s the matter buddy?” I ask him as I make the trek across his room. As I near his crib, he reaches his arms out. ”You wet?” I ask as I lift him up. Feeling his diaper, he’s dry as a bone.

T.J. smiles his great big smile as I hold him to my chest just before giving me a huge wet drooly baby kiss on my face that makes me return the smile. Afterwards, he just lays his head on my shoulder. Carrying him with me, I sit in the rocking chair near the window and rock him back and forth while patting his back until he falls back to sleep before laying him back in his crib.

On the way out, I spy my guitar sitting in the corner. When they’re home with me, almost every night I sing them to sleep. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I lose sight of it, but my three children are the loves of my life. No one and nothing can compare.

Ever.

Not even Lauren.

Grabbing the guitar, I have one last thing to do before I can finally get some sleep. I need to make things right with my wife. Up on the fourth floor, I stop outside the bedroom. Inside, I can hear muffled sobs. It makes me feel like shit. And it should.

Readying the guitar, I give the door a knock.

”Go away,” she says from inside, so naturally I knock again. ”WHAT THE FUCK!?”

Inside the room, I can hear her shuffling about as she makes her way to the door. Swinging it open, our eyes meet and I start playing on the guitar.

What would I do without your smart mouth?” I begin to sing ‘All Of Me’ to her.

”What?”

”Drawin' me in and you kickin' me out
You've got my head spinnin', no kiddin'
I can't pin you down
What's goin' on in that beautiful mind?
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me
But I'll be alright…”

”What are you even doing?” she asks, giving me a quizzical look.

”'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections.”

”It’s like 3 in the morning…”

”Shut the fuck up, I’m apologizing here!

”Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginnin'
Even when I lose, I'm winnin'”

Suddenly, she grabs the neck of my guitar, stopping me. Pulling it away from me, she leans it against the wall.

”Baby I’m sorry,” I say to her just before she kisses me, then leans into my arms. For a long few moments, I just stand there holding her tight in my arms.

”That was like…” she pauses, as she gathers words. ”The sweetest… nicest…. Most gayest thing I’ve never seen,” she says, causing me to laugh a little.

”And I got the rainbow card to prove it,” I joke back. ”I told Berta to chill.”

She leans away and looks at me.

”You really did that?”

I confirm with a nod.

”I don’t know why I expected you to adjust so easily and quickly when I spend half my life wishing I was someone else,” I admit to her with a tear in my eye. ”I’ve been really unfair to you and I’m so fucking sorry.”

Trying to hold back tears of her own, she looks me in the eyes. "When this all started, it was a joke,” she begins. ”Us, I mean.

“It was never meant to be anything else. When you proposed to me, offering me a million dollars to say no, everyone laughed. Including me. And you had no idea how badly I needed the money at the time."

She lets a little laugh escape her lips, "And to this day, I don't know why I said yes. I know people look at it like, ‘of course she said yes! He's got way more than a million!’ But I wasn't expecting to really get married--"

She pauses for a moment, attempting to swallow her emotions. "The other night when I said all that shit and you left, I thought I'd ... lost you. I thought I did what I always do." Her voice fell to a whisper, "I'm glad you came home."

Taking a step toward her, I wipe the tear from her eye with my thumb.

”I’m good at a lot of things,” I say to her. ”I have no problem showing my emotion… but a lot of times my emotions overwhelm me, and I’m just not so good at expressing them verbally.

“I’m sorry I left.

“I’m sorry I made you think I was leaving you.

“I just needed space without the noise. Do you understand what I mean?”

She looks at me, my hand still on her cheek, she puts her hand on mine and leans into it before shaking her head no.

”Chaos gets to me sometimes. Whether its life in general or argument after argument going on around me or with me… sometimes it reaches a critical mass and I need to get away. There’s always noise in my head. When there’s noise outside my head at the same time…

“I can’t always deal with it properly.

“I’ll try not to do that anymore. Because with all my heart Lauren… I fucking love you.”

"And that's what scares me,” she begins her reply. ”Because I know I love you, and I don't know why or how it even happened. It wasn't even supposed to happen," she says with a sigh.

"I have a way of... chasing people away. Even my own family, who I haven't spoken to in years. And what you call chaos, I call torment.”

It’s in this moment that I realize she and I have so much more in common than what people might think. No, we don’t come from the same backgrounds or the same social class. Until recently, we didn’t even have the same friends aside from Ricky Rodriguez.

All the same, I feel closer to her now, than I ever have.

“And I am tormented by the likelihood that I'm gonna find a way to fuck this up. I always do--" she continues before I wrap my arms around her to give her a passionate kiss. Wrapping her arms around my neck she hops up, leaving the floor, wrapping her legs around me.

Carrying her forward, I kick the door closed behind me.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Crisis
Author	Message