El primer puñetazo.

It’s the most important strike any luchador can throw. The first punch can determine the outcome of an entire match. Everyone has a game plan until el primer puñetazo hits them square in the jaw. A stiff shot can catch anyone off guard, especially a bigger opponent. You hit them with a pequeña especia they weren’t expecting and they start to look at you a bit differently inside that ring.

Although, para ser sincero, they are always fools for expecting anything less from la hija de mi madre.

The first punch is something every opponent should see coming…...but what if it’s not a punch at all? What if it’s a shin-shattering kick? Their eyes will be hypnotized staring at my fists, they won’t even think to look at my thighs! My kicks come out in such a flurry some people call me La Reina de los Lácteos!

That Jimmy better do his job and stop anything from getting through down below because on Wednesday night I’m cuttin’ Caedus down from the roots. I’m talking about SHIN KICKS! He better know how to check em’ and check em’ right! You check two dozen shin kicks the wrong way and on patear 25 you’ll need la clínica! Shin kicks aren’t a brute’s game. Shin on shin warfare needs to be estratégica, táctica y precisa. You go barreling in foot first and you’re going to feel that mistake in your toes. Even worse, you could hit that boney bulb of your ankle against the side of their shin. OW!

But I won’t ever make those errores. I’ve practiced my shin kicks for hundreds of hours. All those hours that Jim Caedus spent talking to his shrink I spent kicking the bolsa pesada. If Jim Caedus thinks he’s going to walk up and take those kicks shin-on he is sorely mistaken. I don’t care how tough Caedus thinks he is, walking into a couple dozen shin kicks will bring any luchador to his knees.

Every time Caedus steps towards me, I’m kicking his shin. Every time Caedus steps away from me, I’m kicking his shin. When Caedus comes running off the ropes, I’m going to dropkick him in the shin. Then, after I loosen that leg up, I’m rolling across the ring, grabbing that ankle, and twisting it as hard as I can. That’s how a submission machina works!

What’s Caedus going to do to protect his legs? He only has a couple options. He can keep a constant watch for the flicker of my leg and try to check every kick, but what’s he going to do when I feign a kick from the right but really launch a haymaker from the left?

He could try to bring the fight to the ground to avoid the stand-up game altogether, but I’d bet you a billion dollars that I’m better on the mat than he is. I can lock in submissions he’s only ever heard rumors of. I can put him in armbar variants he has never learned to escape. He’d be wise to avoid going to the mat with me.

I suppose he could dress his legs in metal plating, but that would severely limit his mobility. After a grueling match that metal plating could make it impossible for him to pull off those running, jumping, flashy-boy kicks he loves so much. Encasing his legs would force him to fight slower and open him up to my technical grappling. In a wrap-up situation I have the unquestionable advantage- I can hip toss him, trip him, knee him, and I could probably even get him in a MACHINA ROLL!

Maybe Caedus won’t even respect me enough to take any precautions for my telegraphed gameplan. He is a former universal champion and a household name, and what do I have? A wonderful madre and a colorful mask? He could be overlooking me. He might think he has this one in the bag. I sure hope he’s on an ego trip fueled by equal parts self-confidence and coraje líquido- that will make it all the easier to roll him up for three or catch his ankle in a lock!

Jim Caedus is a dangerous luchador, but so am I. His star power won’t be enough to overpower me inside that ring. The more he thinks of me as a niñita the more it will bruise his ego when I reach up all of two inches to slap him in the face. He may be a big name but he is not a big hombre. His size advantage in this match is negligible, he’s just a tiptoe taller than me with a lot more belly flab. I’ve taken down the behemoth Billion Dollar Champion already- now it’s time to check the papá-cuerpo champion off mi lista.


AAAAAAAAND CUT!

That was great!

Si!

Robyn beams with pride from behind her mask as her mother and the in-home nurse lauded her promo skills.

That's going to go over great online!

Robyn approached the circular dining table that the two older woman were seated at before pulling out a chair and having a seat herself. The Billion Dollar Championship lay proudly on the table as a centerpiece. While Robyn laid both her war weary hands on the table her mother pulled out a mint edition XWF trading card from seemingly out of nowhere.

Look what I have for you, Robyn!

The elderly woman slid the laminated trading card across the table. Robyn took one look down before cracking a grin and shaking her head softly.

Madre! A Jim Caedus trading card? Why would anyone want this!

The hospice nurse couldn't help but chuckle at the outburst.

Read the card, sweetie! It says such outlandish things!

Robyn lifted the card from the table and took one look at the insanely small font on the card before immediately slapping the trading card back against the table.

Ay Dios Mio! There's no way I'm reading all that nonsense!

I'll do it!

The blonde bombshell of a nurse leaned forward, her massive chest boulders plopping on top of the wooden table momentarily as she picked up the card. The nurse leaned back in her chair as she began to read the trading card's details out loud.

Jim has been a fighter since elementary school

So he’s always been a bully. With his small stature, he was probably a fifth grader picking on the kindergarten class!

He was probably picking on the smaller kids in the special ed class...

and a professional wrestler since 16. For the first 22 years of Long Beach, CA native

I’m not sure white people are Native to California, but go off!

Jim Caedus's life there was splendor and enviable experiences to be had. By age 23 a traumatic event

Ay Dios Mio...it took him 23 years to lose his virginity? Is this an incelibato trading card?!

became the catalyst that would see a metamorphosis from "who wants to be me?" to "I don't want to be me" over the course of the next six years. 29 begat the slow death of Jim's heart;

That’s a little early for heart disease, isn’t yet? Well I suppose you Americans do have those specialty diets. California has a whole lot of Whataburgers we dont’ have in Juadiaid…..I can understand the early on-set heart disease!

it held out for 6 more years and several more hits but eventually ceased to exist along with his soul.

Por Que?

It's a matter of speech, they don't literally mean his heart is diseased...

Robyn blushed beneath her mask as the milfy nurse smiled back sheepishly before continuing on.

In late 2016 Jim signed on with the XWF in the hopes of turning his life around and has since been blessed with success. Now at 37 Jim is prouder than he's ever been in his professional career, for the first time in his 20 year tenure personally holding 2 titles (both the XWF Television and Federweight straps) simultaneously as the XWF's Double Champion.

An everyday Marf Caedsons….

Jim Themes?

As he journeys through a battleground of self-discovery, he finds himself wondering if perhaps reanimation awaits his heart and soul...or if it hasn't already begun.

Following a short stint as the founder of a powerful at one time 6 gold strap holding stable in Ax3 and his first XWF Universal Title reign, Jim (with a 21 year history of being targeted by teammates) once again had been bludgeoned with backstabbery, solidifying what he already feared: in this business...there ARE no friends.

I think they call that the ol’ Eobard Stone treatment….disappoint the team get a bludgeoning backstabbing.

MADRE!

Stumbling through a run of spotty matches following the loss of the Universal Title, Jim seems to have regained his stride, entering the XWF's 2017 Leap of Faith to attain the second 24/7 Briefcase of his XWF career, only 2 months shy of a full, uninterrupted year on the roster. He achieved that and more, cofounding APEX with Robert Main and Andrew Archyle. Sadly, Jim was plagued by personal issues and gun-toting mafia wops alike and disappeared in early 2018. A year later he made a nigh triumphant return, nearly crippling Chris Chaos

Oh the 15th time Chris Chaos has been ‘nearly crippled’. It must’ve been real lasting damage.

in a match on Warfare before mysteriously losing his mind and quitting both APEX and the XWF.

Crack cocaine is a helluva drug.

AY DIOS MIO! MADRE!

Fast forward...Jim returns following a 2 year "hiatus" back among his brothers in APEX

-Born. Died. Reborn-

AND THEN TAPPED OUT BY MI LATINA SUBMISSION MACHINA!

I sure hope so, madre!

There's no hope involved, I know you're going to win against this foolish gringo!

Robyn flipped the card over and reading the long-winded biograph.

Oh look, there's more! It has wrestling stats!

Strengths: 1-A mental force of will and focus that defies all obstacles.

But I thought he mysteriously lost his mind and quit both APEX and the XWF? Ay Dios Mio, some people just can’t keep their story straight.

I guess he's on the redemption arc!

So he has a newfound mental force of will that may or may not be temporary. His focus can be thrown off course- that’s just a matter of fact.

Maybe he didn’t ‘lose’ his focus when he quit wrestling, maybe he just decided to focus on something else?

So he quit. I don’t like quitters.

2-A level of biological toughness that has allowed Jim to survive anything that has come his way including a very real ambush murder attempt having no relation to wrestling by a man standing 6'9" and weighing 380 lbs.

Ah, so he survived an attack from someone the size of Money Oswald. Just because someone’s big and thick doesn’t make them tough to take.

I don’t know sweetheart, that ol’ Eobard Stone treatment might’ve given Caedus a different perspective on that issue!

NO, NOT LIKE THAT! MADRE!


3-Teamwork


What great teamwork at war games. They made it all the way to the first round. When was this card printed? Is this a mint 2017 edition?


Weaknesses: 1-A temper that can turn Jim from cool to crazy in a heartbeat and get him into legitimate trouble.

Cool and crazy, now doesn’t that sound a bit forced? Did they let their high school interns write these stats?


2-Trust. Going against the grain of his history with being stabbed in the back, Jim seems to have finally flipped that coin and now can be trusting to a fault, seeing potential good in most people, with few notable exceptions. This now raises vulnerability via betrayal once more. However, the horizon on stables and tag teaming with Jim has been raised to not only dependable but loyal af.

Robyn sighed in second-hand embarrassment for the writer of these stats as she shook her head.

He specifically targeted Robert Main at War Games….are these cards knock-offs?

Not every new character development can be accounted for on these old trading cards!

Not every alteration is a development.

3-A very dark side. Jim places little to no value on human life and for some time has had no inhibitions involving watching or actually taking part in another person's suffering/torture. Coupled with his temper this is both by precedent and theory what has and can lead to Jim getting himself into trouble.

He’s into BDSM. Cute. Maybe he should give me a call.

.....


Oh my goodness, they even have a line here in braille?

Braille?

You know, like the language for the blind? I learned it when I was talking care of a man with cataracts. Let's see what it says!

Looks Description: Short and muscular with long blonde hair, full beard and empty blue eyes.

He has no eyes?

Maybe they mean he has hollow glass eyes?

It’s another English phrase...

He has no tattoos, for reasons of necessity, but he does have scars: a 40° angle 2" slash between his eyebrows and a vertical surgical scar running from right knee to the first few inches of the top of his right foot as well as dual inch and a half ovular frontal exit wounds midway down the shin left of the scar and the smaller entrance wounds on the back of the calf, right rear side.

Ovary scars?

He means like, a weird circle.

Ohhhhhh, that makes more sense! I knew they couldn't have me-ACK ACK ACK!

Robyn's morther bust into yet another coughing fit as the scene fades to black.