I don’t think I’ll ever get used to flying. Fucking sucks, cunt and landing is the worst part. I grip the armrests tightly, digging my fingernails into the awful texture of the seat. The cunt beside me looks over.

PASSENGER CUNT: “I take it you don’t like flying?”

I side-eye him.

“Why the fuck are you talking to me, cunt?”

PASSENGER CUNT: “You want to know the secret to surviving air travel?”

Fucking yanks! Jesus fucking christ.

“Is it talking to strangers you Wolf of Wall Street reject looking cunt-fuck?”

He snickers.

PASSENGER CUNT: “When you get to your hotel, take off your shoes and socks and walk around on the carpet and make fists with your toes.”

I stare it him with my mouth agape.

“Fists with your toes? You’re cooked, cunt.” I say jabbing my finger at him. “You fucking talk to me again I’ll tell TSA you’re hidng coke in your lower intestine.”

I stand up to receive my overhand luggage and notice the guy look a little worried. My suit blazer opened up briefly exposing the gun I have holstered on my belt. I reassure him.

"It's alright, cunt, I'm an Australian."

A jump and a bit of a walk and a security check later...

I step through the large revolving doors and take my first step that is the barren wasteland of Los Angeles. Gah, makes me sick. I look around the street and see Drew Archyle standing by a limo, wearing a neat hat and holding a sign saying ‘Sick Cunt’. What a guy. He smiles as I come over and takes my suitcase.

“They got you picking up cunts now?”

ARCHYLE: “I’m happy to do it.” He places the cardboard sign in a nearby recycling bin and grabs my bag to place in the boot, he looks back to me with a grin. ”Did you like the sign?”

“Yeah, cunt, it was ripper. So where to?”

Drew closes the boot lid and turns to me.

ARCHYLE: “Up to you, man. This is my first day on the job.”

“The fuck? I’m your first?”

ARCHYLE: “And my last! I only came to pick you up.”

“Why?”

ARCHYLE: “Talk about cats.”

“... You’re cooked, mate.”

I chuckle getting into the front passenger seat along with Drew, he squints at me as I sit.

ARCHYLE: “Why are you in the front?”

I look back to him trying to get the seatbelt into the seatbelt… Holster? What’s that part called? Tweet me if you know what that part’s called.

“I get car sick, cunt. Just get us to this party.”

ARCHYLE: "You got it." Drew turns the wheel and pulls out from his spot and begins to drive down the road. It doesn't take long for the cunt to perk up again as he points to each feature he speaks about. "This limo is neat, it's got that divider thing, tinted windows, brand new stereo and even a car phone!"

"Literally every cunt in the world has a computer in their pocket, a car phone isn't impressive."

ARCHYLE: "Yeah, but, a car phone! It's attached TO the car! That's wild."

It is very fucking sick but I must not let him know. I give him a smile before pushing my back against the seat and getting cozy, having meself a little napperoo before this cunt fest begins.

---

ONE CUNTING DRIVE LATER

---

ARCHYLE: "Okay, we're here!"

Drew jolts me awake as he pulls up in front of a nondescript office building with a fresh sign saying 'XWF', I peek out the window with a stretch and yawn. Rolling my neck I pat Drew's shoulder.

"Cheers for the lift, cunt."

ARCHYLE: "No wuckas." Drew gives me a goofy smile. "Did I say it right?"

I give a polite nod as I step out the limo, holding the door open looking back at him.

"You sure did, mate. You coming in?"

ARCHYLE: "Nah, I'm gonna stay here and figure out this car phone."

"Fair dinkum." I say trying to hide my jealousy that he gets to play with the sick car phone and I have to go to this fucking party. "Catch you later, cunt."

Drew gives a wave as I slam the door closed and walk to the building, I turn my head up looking at how high this fucker is before entering through the large glass doors and heading to the reception. I greet the pudgy guard who peeks at me from behind his glasses, I look at his name tag before speaking.

"Hey... Darren. I'm here for the party, cunt, Noah Jackson."

He taps on the keyboard and stares at the screen for a moment.

FAT CUNT: "Are you a plus one for Miss Vita Valenteen?"

I sigh.

"I should be under Television Champion, but yeah, I guess I fucking am, cunt."

He presses some shit and waves me to go in, as I walk away he shouts behind me.

FAT CUNT: "Hey, you wanna read my novella?"

I snap around.

"What? Fuck no, cunt."

I shake my head turning back around and walking into the lift, I hear him go into a rage and probably quit his job. I forget to ask which floor the party is on so I just press every button and go to each floor one by one to see what's happening... I guess you can call it pride that I didn't want to ask him. After a long fucking while, I finally arrive to a floor that looks like it's in full swing. I step out of the lift and walk into the large room, it's fancy as dicks. Cunts even got a water feature and we're on the cunting 10th floor or some shit, mad! I take a glass of champagne from a tray some cunt is holding and enter the fray. The first friendly face I meet is Thunder Knuckles who I greet with a handshake.

"S'garn, Thunder Cunt? You working bouncer duty tonight?"

TK: "Come on, Noah, Knuckle cunt is a better name."

I tip my glass in his direction.

"Got me there, cunt."

TK: "And no, I'm not working tonight but it’s funny I run into you though, I was just thinking about Force Gape and how happy he was after Lethal Lottery knowing he was going to face you before Scully. I mean, who the fuck gloats about getting the first shot to lose to you in your first title defense?"

"A fucking dumb cunt whose forehead gains an inch with each loss, like a shit-tier Pinocchio."

TK: "He’s probably happier than a pig in shit. That he gets the opportunity to lose on Christmas day to you too. Probably sitting around by the Christmas tree talking with all the other half-alien fuck boys waiting on daddy to come home. So all three can finally get the attention they so desperately desire from dear ‘Ol Dad."

"Not everyone can have my Dad."

TK: "So fucking true. I’d be stoked if my Dad was the winner of the Lethal Lottery... Fuck man, I keep getting sidetracked. Anyway, I got ahold of some of this shit for you… I think you're going to like it."

Thunder Knuckles looks around and makes sure no one is looking and pulls out a black pill. I point a finger to it with a raised eyebrow.

"Is that what I think it is, cunt?"

Obviously a little too loud, TK grabs my arm and pulls me to the side a bit more.

TK: "You better believe your sweet ass it is. Bruno is as real as the day is long. Fuck that superpowered dull fuck. I have to warn you though...it’s only been tested on singles competition in XWF. So this will probably only work on Force Gape. I doubt he even puts out a promo for Warfare after what you did to him on Savage, to be honest. Just in case though. Did you know Force Gape, Shock Nozzle, and Roofie all share xbux? This dumbass mother fucker, was all like, 'Hey Thunder Knuckles I got a long list of shit for some xbux'. I'm a master accountant, negotiator, or some shit. Yet he has to ask his brothers for permission to spend it… He’s fucking lame. Oh, fuck, my bad man. You're probably wanting to see Vita."

I look at the pill between my finger and thumb.

"Yeah, that's the plan, mate."

TK ignores me and looks to the cameramen that are here because they're always fucking around! Like, fuck, cunt. It's a party! Take a day off, cunts.

TK: "Fuck it! Who gives a fuck. Fuck you, Force Gape. You're going to lose to Bruno twice!" I look around a fair bit as Thunder Knuckles pats me on the back and as he walks away he says. "Your raw entertainment, Noah. Don't lose that being champion!"

TK leaves and I throw up my hand with the pill shouting behind him.

"Cheers, Cunt Knuckle!" I look back at the pill and mutter under my breath. "So do I eat this or give it Donnie?"

My thought is interrupted as Vita crashes into me for a big hug, I slyly pocket the pill and give her a hug and a kiss back.

VV: "Hey! Nice to see you dressed up!"

I look down at the sick suit Dad picked up for me.

"Cheers, you're looking fit yourself."

Vita gives a bit of a twirl with a cute smile.

VV: "Thank you!"

"Right, let's get tanked, shall we?"

VV: "Sounds like a plan! So, you here to scout out competition for your match?"

I scoff.

"Fuck no, I wanna get drunk. TK already did my job on burying Donnie, he's gonna want some xbux for that I'm sure. He also gave me a pill." Vita tilts her head looking at me as we go to get more drinks. "And since I already beat Don's ass like I'm The Mandalorian and he was some half-alien bitch who dodged bail. So, that cunt is a non-issue. War Pig can't do dog shit unless he's straddled firmly onto Robbie Bourbon's back, so he's going to be a massive disappointment. Who the fuck is Travis Stone!? And mystery competitor... Who usually is Chris Chaos because the stupid cunt likes do draw intrigue because he thinks he's a bigger star than he really is but secretly knows if his name is on the marquee that he'll draw even less of a crowd than normal. That's what cunts do when they want to be a secret, they're the ones who know they're not worth shit but want to feel special for once in their fucking lives. It's pathetic."

Vita nods as I hand her a new drink.

VV: "Can't argue with that. You'll win no matter what."

I give a smile.

"You're too good for me, mate."

I place an arm on V's but the moment is ruined as Amjetkun Socio hurries over.

SOCIO: "NOAH! BRO! I just wanted to say it's SO TIGHT that you're TV champ now! I knew you had it in you to beat that balless Bitch D! And bro!" Amjetkun throws an arm around VV as I side-eye the cunt. "There have been so many beta soy boys trying do some horizontal squats on your little lady here! But bruh, real talk, I'm on her like a HAWK! And making sure she's getting those gains instead of gaining some brain! Y'know what I'm saying?"

I grab Vita by the waist and gently pull her away from King Kong's grasp before this cunt scales the building with her.

"Not really, cunt." I stroke VV's back and feel some bacne, I squint looking at her. "Why does it feel like I'm reading braille?"

Vita hesitates but Amjetkun chirps up.

SOCIO: "BRUH! For real, if you want the power I got the hook-up! Hit me up and you'll be powerlifting pussy like Double V over here!"

"You fucking what, cunt?"

Before anything kicks off, the sound of a knife clinging against glass rattles through the room and we and the other cunts turn to the balcony to see some Japanese businessman standing there.

JAPANESE CUNT: "Hello everyone and welcome to the XWF Christmas Party!"

There's a brief pause in the room.

"Who the fuck are you, cunt!?"

SOME CUNT: "Yeah! Where's Vinnie Lane!"

TK: "He better be here! He owes me!"

The cunt motions us to quiet down.

JAPANESE CUNT: "Please, please. Mr. Lane and his associates could not make it tonight so instead as the primary stockholder in XWF I have taken their place to host tonight."

I put down my glass with a scowl.

"Fuck this, I'm gonna take an insert name of one of my opponents here." I give V a kiss. "I'll catch up with you in a bit. Socio! I heard there's some hotties on the roof, you should check it out."

VV smiles with a wave goodbye as Amjetkun gets amped up and leaves.

LATER...

After my bathroom break, I actually take that cunt's advice from the plane, removing my heelies and socks before curling my toes on the nice fluffy rug. Feels actually pretty relaxing... I remove my blazer as that cunt is way too constricting, I take out my phone and notice there's no signal which is shit. Luckily, there's a landline in the bathroom for some fucking reason so I punch in some digits on that cunt.

. . .

ARCHYLE: "Hello!"

"Hey, Archyle, how's it going, cunt?"

ARCHYLE: "I'm good, just chilling in the garage. How's the party?"

"Eh, pretty lame to be honest. I wanted to get drunk and shout at Lane but he's nowhere to be seen."

ARCHYLE: "Really? I'm pretty sure I saw a limo pull-"

The line suddenly goes dead.

"Drew? Cunt?" I look at the phone like it owes me answers. "Did that cunt hang up on me?"

I slam the phone back on the receiver and this is when I hear gunshots which, to be frank, gives me a bit of a fucking jump. I grab the gun from my blazer and head out seeing crowds of people run past chased by bullets from semi-auto rifles. I charge out, my back hitting the wall as I slowly peek down the hall, luckily I already took a shit or else my pants would be ruined right now. I get to the end of the hall and tilt my aim firing off rounds into the armed assailants. They fire back and I run away retreat towards the door beside me, crashing into an empty office and moving up through the rooms and bullets shatter the windows around me. I dart to a hall of lifts and hit the button on one of the cunts but nothing happens, I pry open the lift door and see the cunt stuck between floors. Voices come closer and squeeze inside and step up onto the lift, pulling myself up on the wire and ducking out through an emergency hatch on the floor above. The floor is under construction and the cold night air causes me to shiver as I keep my gun held up as I become the sneakiest cunt of all time, hitting corners like I'm playing Call of Duty. I peek around and see two men, two cunts who I recognise. One of them speaks into a walkie-talkie.

ATTICUS BLACK: "All clear on this floor."

That limey cunt. A voice comes through on the other end which I can't quite hear.

ATTICUS BLACK: "Yes, sir, we'll keep looking." He pockets the walkie-talkie and turns to SBW. "Lane says he couldn't have gone far, keep looking."

SBW: "This is really fun."

Atticus giddily pats Bob's chest.

ATTICUS BLACK: "I know, right!?"

Fucking Lane and his shit GMs. Anger takes over as I pop around the corner.

"Oi cunt!"

They both turn and a barrage of bullets comes my way as I fire back. We all dart to cover, firing off shots hoping to hit. A commotion from the other side of the room and I hear the panted breaths of a fat fuck who smokes too much come my way, I snake around the corner as Bob fires off some pop shots as he falls behind a sawbench. I dive into a room which is more furnished and fall over a couch in my hurry, firing off a wild shot which keeps Bob at bay. Atticus comes into the room and I snap my gaze at him, but my hesitation costs me as the cunt fires off shots which nip at my heels as I run and dive under a table, Black sprints forward and hops onto the table above.

ATTICUS BLACK: "Some advice, Mr. Jackson. When you get a good shot, take it."

Smart cunt, I fire through the wooden table in the direction of the voice and I see Black land next to me, a pool of blood forming around him.

"That's how I became champ, you clever cunt."

I slide out and see Bob standing in the hall but this time I'm ready for the cunt and pull the trigger with each word I shout.

"RANDOM. DRAW. YOU. DUMB. FUCKING. CUNT!"

Rounds pierce the fat cunt and exit through his back, shattering holes into the large windows. Bob falls down to the ground as I walk out of the room, the reflection of red and blue lights catches my eye and I walk to the window. A parked police car is outside but I can't see an officer yet. My head turns when I hear Bob splutter blood.

SBW: "You'll *cough* never... Win."

"Correction, cunt, with the competition you're providing I'm always gonna fucking win."

I look back outside and see the cop walking back to his car.

"He's leaving... The fucking, cunt is fucking leaving!"

I panic and look to Bob slowly dying like the dumb cunt fucking deserves, this is when the lightbulb click. I holster my gun and try and pick up SBW's massive frame with some effort, I hold him under his armpits and slowly shuffle him on his arse towards the broken window. Once I get to the large pane of glass I drop the cunt and have a breather seeing the cop talking on his radio, his body out the car door. I grab SBW again and groan under his mass before heaving him towards the window and Moby Dick crashes out and falls far, crashing the hood of the car. The cop recoils in horror before looking up to me, I smile seeing the face of Fuzz staring back.



TO BE CONTINUED...

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment