Theo Pryce couldn't help but admire the office he worked in every day at the XWF headquarters. Looking out over the skyline in an enormous scene high above the city where he could look down upon the rest of the world. He liked to feel big and important and that everyone else was beneath him. Kicking his feet back up onto his desk and panning his vision back to the inside of the room, he catches a swift glance at his new hot young blonde secretary bending over to pick up a piece of paper.

He cracks a smile knowing that she definitely can't see him staring her up and down from the position that she's in. Perched with her perfectly sexy ass sticking up and waving in the air. He starts drifting into a deathly gaze with a glazed look in his eyes, and believe me every man that has ever lived knows all about this. It's where you've already made that commitment and you don't care that she catches you and you're trying to think of something witty to say when she does and then.........


Theo's office phone begins to ring and distracts him away from making eye contact with his hot secretary and look down at the caller ID. The phone number read 666-666-666😉. He's not really sure how or why smiley face emoji could possibly be the last digit of the number of the call, as he had never seen it before in the past in any numbers on any caller ID on any phone ever in his life. Never the less, he decides to take the call since the phone that was ringing is on a private line for personal matters concerning only XWF business.

Before he answers and lifts the receiver, he takes a look back at the secretary which he is shocked to see actually now checking out him! She blushes and gives Theo a wave and right as he starts to wave back he is interrupted by a blast of dark red liquid that comes spewing through the end of the ear end of the receiver on his telephone. He hangs up the phone quickly in disgust. The woman looks on in instant fright at the despicable scene before her. She screams a mighty shriek that echoes through the halls as she runs off in absolute terror. Vinnie Lane ironically comes around the corner that very instant to be immediately aghast by the scene inside Theo's office.

Vinnie Lane: "Whoa.... Whoa.....Whoa... What the hell dude, I was like 2 days away from bangin' that chick."

Theo Pryce: "Hey man, can't you see I'm in a bit of a mess here!"

Theo says wiping blood on the left sleeve of his shirt off his forehead.

Vinnie Lane: "Holy shit, did blood come out your phone too?"


The phone starts going berzerk again ringing off the hook as the number 666-666-666😉 appears on the caller ID again. Vinnie looks down at the Caller ID and laughs to himself slightly under his breath.

Vinnie Lane: "Oh shit...haha... you have fun with that one my dude."

Vinnie says to Theo with a smug look on his face as he starts to make his way quickly out of the room.

Theo Pryce: "Who the hell is it?"

Vinnie Lane: "I have to get out of here as soon as possible and hope he's found someone else to annoy for awhile. My only advice to you is that you just go ahead and answer that phone because he's never going to stop calling."

Vinnie darts completely out of the room faster then Theo can even finish his sentence. The phone continues to blare in the background as Theo takes a deep breath and places the phone gently to his ear.

Theo Pryce: "Hello....?"

Unknown Soldier: "WHERE THE FUCK IS HE THEO!?!? WHERE... IN ....THE.... WORLD...... IS...... 3 X BETTER @Sid Feder!?!? TRIOS CHAMPS!?!?! TRIOS CHAMPS?!?! TRIOS CHAMPS?!?!"

Theo just immediately hangs up the telephone, but instantaneously when he does hang the phone up it starts to ring again. A vicious battle of him just picking up the phone and hanging it back up to just hear it ring instantly again every time he set it down. He then yanks the phone off the hook and tosses it in the trash can beside his desk.

It still continues to ring which is quite perturbing, so Theo decides to evacuate his office and make his way down the hallway. In his pocket, he can feel his cell phone vibrate and reluctantly pulls the phone from out of his pocket to see the same annoying caller ID number that was pursing his every move. He decides he has no choice but rather to just answer the phone.

Theo Pryce: "What the hell do you want Soldier?"

Unknown Soldier: "I need to know where Sid Feder is! Quick, go look in your files on that fancy computer device thingamajig and tell me where he is!?!?"

Theo Pryce: "Yeah, no problem, I'll get right on that for ya..."

His sarcasm is quite evident as he starts smashing a few keys on his computer clearly not obliging at all to Soldier's request bur rather make it sound and appear that he might be.

Theo Pryce: "It says here he's somewhere in Sibera."

Theo smirks and shakes his head and hopes the dimwit buys his story.

Unknown Soldier: "Siberia you say, eh? Peter! My first mate! Onward we sail for Siberia!"

Theo hears Soldier hang up on the other side of the line. He cocks an even wider smile before heading back into his office.

Theo Pryce: "Idiots..."

Out on the high seas our dastardly duo is seen stranded in the middle of the vast blue of the ocean. Unknown Soldier standing at the front of a paddleboat with a pirate sword held high and pointing out towards the endless ocean blue. He's decked out in full pirate gear with his skull and crossbones cap and black frilly overcoat. Peter stands behind him towards the back of the boat, also dressed in full pirate gear and staring through a long telescope scanning the lands beyond.

Unknown Soldier: "Avast Peter! We must make haste to Siberia if we wish to find our long lost friend Sid Feder!"

Soldier points the sword out towards the ocean again and poses for a brief second. He looks back at Peter insinuating for him to peddle to help the paddle boat move forwards.


Peter Gilmour: "No..... Soldier that's enough..... I'm fucking done peddling! This is bullshit! Besides I'm pretty sure that we're lost and you should just use that phone you used to call Theo and get us the hell out of here. I know you said you'd help me win my match so that the two of us can square off in the most Xtremeeeeeee! match of all time! But this is too much to ask bub."

Unknown Soldier: "It's CAPTAIN BUB! And what is this phone thing you speak of? We be pirates living off the language of the sea me lad! But I digress, and you no longer must paddle that boat for propulsion any longer. This is why I brought with us this scallywag slave to do thine bidding!"

Soldier motions to the seat next to Peter where sits a giant chest that is moving and shaking around inside the paddle boat? Peter opens the large 17th-century looking treasure chest that is covered in gold and silver from top to bottom and fastened together with old worn leather straps. Looking inside the giant old-fashioned treasure chest, we see the XWF Xtreme Championship. The one Soldier stole off some little bitch that has no relevance anymore. Laying right next to the championship we find the source of the movement from inside the chest.

Johnny Depp himself has all his limbs hogtied together with a scarf tied around his head and latched around his mouth in order to keep his screams from being heard. He's struggling for freedom as he sees the daylight unfold in front of him after being locked in a chest for SATAN! only knows for how long. A possible chance for escape but sadly, the ropes are tied far too tightly. Because it's not like Soldier hasn't had plenty of experience tying innocent victims up before.

Peter Gilmour: "Holy shit did you kidnap Johnny Depp? I don't know about this man, this is some serious shit you're getting me into once again."

Unknown Soldier: "The fuck do we care! We're pirates now Pete! I stole the XWF Xtreme championship, and from now on we're going to be doing a lot more stealing, raping, and pillaging together! Like back when we were the Trios champs with Sid Feder! Peter's lips perk up and he practically leaps immediately into conversation anxious to interject. "

Peter Gilmour: "Actually, we weren't really the trios champs with Sid Feder, but rather his father, Poppa Feder or otherwise known as Mister Mystery 17 31707 1. Remember? It was the year 2013 and...."

Soldier is way too many meth filled nights in to remember which Feder it was so long ago, but tries desperately to cut him off mid-speech and stop him from going on about a subject he's heard 666 times. Unfortunately, he is unsuccessful as Peter gets louder and proceeds with the conversation as he intends to be heard.

Unknown Soldier: "Yes, Peter... um... of course I remem....."

Peter Gilmour: "The day was March 31st and there was a slight breeze traveling south by southwest that day at six miles an hour. It had rained that morning exactly 1.23454 inches, and so there was a slight dew on the grass. I remember exactly 23 cars drove in front of me at a moderate pace before the streetlight signaled I could cross the street and make my way to the arena. Gosh, I can remember exactly as if it was just yesterday. Gauntlet City was...."

It's at this point that Soldier is clearly tuning out as Peter looks off into the ocean thinking deeply about how to explain and concentrating hard on telling this story to Unknown Soldier. Practically talking to himself because he is so enthralled with his own story, to even notice that Soldier wasn't paying any attention at all and is instead guzzling rum mixed with cunt juice out of a clay jar. The finest cunt juice that came out of the creams of the cracks of the finest sea hags Peter can pleasure by just walking past them.

Soldier's eyes make their way over towards the disheveled Johnny Depp who looks on in absolute fright as anyone would be placed in the situation he's in right now. He tried to play dead and regain his strength of a brief moment hoping that his obviously insane captor's attention would stray from him. The demon dicked defiler licks his lips and blows Johnny a kiss as he whips out his deformed demon dick and starts pleasuring himself. Staring deeply in Johnny's eyes as he starts going to town on his super SATAN! dick. Yanking and pulling on it as if it were a lawnmower that wouldn't start. Johnny Depp's eyes grow wide with terror as he struggles even more intently now to the point where Peter becomes alerted.

He tries his best to scream through the scarf around his mouth making as much noise as possible in his horrible predicament. Peter turns around, and with the speed of a cheetah cat, Soldier tucks his junk back into his pants in just the nick of time for Peter to not witness the disturbing act he was performing in front of Johnny Depp. Soldier starts up a conversation to avoid any awkwardness that Peter may have accidentally witnessed and attempts to avoid the subject completely.

Unknown Soldier: "We make the scallywag slave peddle Peter! But first, he must look the part! Put on these pirate clothes ya filthy bloke."

Soldier reaches into the treasure chest and pulls out the XWF Xtreme Championship. He tosses it over his shoulder with significant force to the point where it almost goes overboard. Thankfully, Peter snags it in the nick of time before it was cast out in the ocean and places it gently down underneath him tucked under his chair on the paddle boat. The captain of craziness just starts pulling out all sorts of random objects from the treasure chest. Dead cats, dildos, and random drug-using devices. Finally, he finds a pair of pirates clothes for Johnny Depp and throws them in his face. Mr. Depp refuses to put on the clothes and instead continues his useless struggles to free himself.

Unknown Soldier: "Put the clothes on him Peter!"

Peter Gilmour: "Fuck no!"

Unknown Soldier: "Fine, then I'll put the clothes on him."

Soldier says with a SATAN!c smile on his face. He makes a slight movement towards Johnny Depp who immediately concedes and think it a better idea to just do what he says then let the sick demented freak take his clothes off and then redress him in pirate gear. Peter cuts his bindings with the pirate sword as he awkwardly changes clothes in front of them and then sits down in his paddling station.

Unknown Soldier: "To Siberia! Onward scallywag slave! Mush my pet! Mush!"

Soldier pulls out a thick black leather whip, but before he can start cracking Johnny Depp over the back with it Peter stops him.

Peter Gilmour: "Don't you think this is getting a little bit too vile and starting to get into the cheap thrill type of department here with the violence, Soldier? That's also beside the point, how in the hell are we going to get to Siberia with Johnny Depp paddling us 2 miles per hour across this enormous ocean?!?!"

Unknown Soldier: "You want to see vile, Peter?"

Soldier with his lightning-fast reflexes again, much faster and more bad ass than whatever gay karate butt sex moves Mastermind is trying to learn while giving us a Rosetta Stone lesson on Japanese in his promos. He quickly grabs the pirate sword, and with his other hand grabs Johnny Depp by his hair. He raises Johnny up by the head from his downed position in the paddle boat where he was peddling. With one fail swoop, he slices Johnny Depp's head clean off. The blood ejecting everywhere as if it were semen ejaculated from a penis. Soldier holds Johhny Deep's lifeless head in mid-air, with his eyes staring blankly forward. Blood dripping off the edges of his neck. His body falls to the ground, shaking violently for a few seconds before going limp.

Unknown Soldier: "Now, you want to see cheap!"

The sick fuck starts making out and slopping saliva with the dead head of Johnny Depp. After finishing he screams in his ear so loud almost as if getting as close as possible could actually assist his hearing at this point.

Unknown Soldier: "Fuck you Johnny Depp! You made the first movie good and then you took hundreds of my dollars hoping that you would finally make another decent 'Pirates of the Caribbean' movie but you didn't! They all fucking sucked after the first one! Do you know who else pulled that bullshit? Do ya Johhny? Those stupid bastards that did those Fast and the Furious movies?! Are you telling me Johnny Depp, that your no better of an actor then Vin Fuckin' Diesel?! Are you!!!"

Peter Gilmour: "Easy Soldier, it's just a movie! What the fuck man, now we're murdering people. You've gone too far this time!"

Unknown Soldier: "When will you ever learn to just trust me, Peter?"

The demonic do-badder pirate thief reaches into his treasure chest once again, he pulls out a book titled 'The Lesser Key of Solomon' and starts reciting a language that is indecipherable to any known ears that could have heard it spoken in all of history before. Reading it directly from the book and holding above his head high, the dead head of Johnny Depp. The murderous madman holds the head out over the water, letting the blood drip off his neck into the ocean beneath him.

He calls out to SATAN! and his inverted pentagram necklace begins to shine brightly in the darkness. The wind starts to pick up and the sun starts to set as a giant bolt of lightning crashes across the sky. Then, from off in the distance, the floating ghost ship from the movies appears from off in the distance. Looking all deathly, destructive, and badass, and making it's way directly at their paddle boat. The dastardly duo turn and look at each other, and then back at the gnarly flying ghost ship echoing the same thing in unison. Almost in a very Wayne and Garth sort of way.

Unknown Soldier: "Sweeeeet!"

Peter Gilmour: "Sweeeeet!"

The sky cackles with a large crack of lighting close by the scene.

Peter Gilmour: "This SATAN! guy is pretty awesome."

Unknown Soldier: "I know right! To Siberia?"

Peter Gilmour smiles wickedly like he always does when he's feeling super sadistic.

Peter Gilmour: "To Siberia!"

The scene fades out as the demonic ghost ship approaches menacingly and methodically towards the pair of bloodthirsty pirates.

To be continued......