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Unknown Soldier · (05-23-2013)

Hey folks, SATAN! here, welcoming you moronic jizz rags to another episode of madness and insanity that is so far beyond complicated that even cryptic geniuses like Steve Davids can't understand. I guess I shouldn't have expected much from a man who claims All Men Must Fall their intelligence levels down to be able to keep his attention. Maybe my madness is a bit too far gone, but then again I really don't give a fuck. Ha! So if you are dumber than Steve Davids just don't even bother to try and follow along in the story. If you remember where we left off last time it was inside the car of a....

Chapter 4: Damnation

...1976 Cadillac pulls up on Vine street off the corner of Travel Road and Ling Avenue. The long and silver automobile glides down the street after rushing to this location from the highway in the distance. Eventually, it slides into a parking spot on the side of the street and comes to a complete stop. Stepping out of the silver car was one foot stamping down on the yellow lines marking the parking spot as valid. After leaning back in his seat and shifting his weight forward, he is able to pull himself out of the vehicle and stand in the middle of the street staring around aimlessly. The man stands incredibly tall with broad shoulders and a menacing looking top hat that sticks out like a sore thumb in the sky. The rest of his suit is completely yellow with orange and pink checkers on the jacket and white slacks to match his hiking boots that were also completely white, but had the insignia ReeNike on the tongues in black stitching.

The tall and gallivanting gentlemen slams the car door shut and proceeds across the street. A sign sticks out in the background over the tops of the tall buildings that surrounds what appears to be a near deserted city. In fact, not one car or other form of life exists in this scene as our male adventurer wanders down the streets. The sign must be his chosen destination, as he shrugs and continues walking towards what we can now make out an inscription on the sign that reads.

TENACIOUS TIM'S TRAVELING TRIBUNAL.
(Dimension-Wide Traveling Center)

It sounds like something out of a Bill and Ted movie, which would fit the bill of the awkwardness of this story. Upon arriving at this destination, we can automatically tell this is some type of special stop in a world that must have stood still around it. As if it were some sort of an outpost for a Road Warrior movie or something. Anyways, this was all made apparent by the modernized brick structure and re enforced steel that held the building in place. The rest of the buildings on opposite sides of the tribunal were dilapidated wooden pieces of trash with fading paint jobs and rusted over signs of a civilization that might have been thriving many years ago. The doors are made of some type of bullet proof glass that is nearly three inches deep in diameter. Thick protection for something? But what? Laser beams?

It was no matter as he grasped the heavy handle bar with two hands and opened the doorway. It was a strange stench of abnormal death that filled his lungs and nostrils. As if the life had been sucked out of the air inside this traveling agency. It pulled him in like a black hole vortex and lurched for his soul and sucked his body through the opening and slammed the door behind him. A very delicious looking blonde stands behind the counter defiling her nails behind a counter. Her enormous breasts shaking back and forth as she violently rubbed her nails away.

DD Blonde: "Why hello there mister.. hehe.. What can I do for you today handsome?"

She proclaims while slapping a stick of gum between her teeth and fondling it on the outside of her lips in a very sexy and alluring manner. The man hesitates none and quickly responds, ignoring any type of sexual advances he may or may not have been interested in.

Traveler: "I'm here to see Simon. I called him about the vacation plans earlier and he told me to come down here and speak with him to iron out some of the details."

The blonde doesn't seemed phased that he made no advance to her sexual seductions and instead goes on being flirty as if this were normal every day practice for a business office.

DD Blonde: "His office is just down that hallway where an elevator will take you down to his basement office. Come back here if you have any trouble finding it and I can take care of any problems you might have gorgeous."

Traveler: "I'm sure I'll be fine."

States the traveler as he begins his hike down what seemed like an endless hallway of nothing but black walls, black carpet, and black furniture. Black art paintings and black roses on top of black vases. Finally he arrives on an elevator with it's doors already opened and practically inviting him inside. The doors slam behind him quickly; so fast that in fact his top hat fell off his head from his ignorance of the height of the elevator room compared to how tall his hat was. He was unable to reach back and retrieve it due to how insanely fast the doors of the elevator closed behind him. The traveler gets inside and he reaches for a button to push to send him to the basement. He is perturbed to find that the only floor highlighted on the panel is B666, which is apparently where he must be heading as it lights up and the elevator plummets downward.

The elevator comes to a screeching halt after driving down many, many floors. The doors fling open to reveal an office space that can only be described as paradise. Flowing waterfalls of misty fountains filled with all sorts of tropical fish. All colored black mind you. The thick statuesque stone figurines that hold together a massive stone platform that is surrounded in a circle by what seems like over 5,000 chairs. The shear depth and size of this office alone was mesmerizing as it towered high towards the ceiling that was up far enough that it wasn't visual. This would explain why it was so far down in the basement in the first place. Across from him on the other side of the massive round stone table, is a what appears to be just a speck of black in an otherwise colorful piece of blurred vision behind it. The object or person standing opposite the Traveler was so far in the distance that it was a mere blur of blackness in a sea of colors to his vision. Yet; miraculously when it spoke he could hear the voice clearly as if it were inches in front of his face.

Simon: "Why hello Travler, I hope the long and winding trip was not too dull and monotonous for you."

His voice was somber but with an unusual cackling sound that echoed moments behind the first voice and staggered off briefly saying each word verbatim from the first voice.

Traveler: "It will all be worth the worry if what we spoke of on the phone is a plausible task."

His voice trickling off and then raising again at the end of his sentence as he raised an eyebrow of minor concern.

Simon: "Let me assure you that at Tenacious Tim's anything is not only plausible, but beyond comprehension. I got you and your family shacked up at that beautiful vacation cottage in the North Pole. Didn't I?"

Vacationing in the North Pole may seem as a weird destination; however, the Traveler must have thought it normal as he agrees to the response.

Traveler: "An enjoyable trip that was Simon, but this time I was looking for something a little more hotter. You know, something on the opposite side of the spectrum perhaps?"

A smile crosses his face and Simon responds quickly with an agreeable tone.

Simon: "I think I have just the trip in mind that both you and your family will absolutely adore. It's hot, it's desolate, and everything travels in a tremulousness sea of fire."

The Traveler nods his head up and down quickly with massive approval and replies.

Traveler: "But how will you get me there? What is your means of travel?"

Simon: "First you will need to greet my tour guide known by the name of Dante Kyllen. In order for you to be the first person to arrive at this destination and check it out first before your family, he will need to bury you alive."

Traveler: "Ok."

Simon: "From that point on, my agent will enact an ancient voodoo black magic curse that will make you become a blood thirsty zombie that seeks out the flesh of your own creations."

The Traveler pulls out a note pad and begins to jot down what Simon was saying.

Traveler: "Yes... Good.... Continue."

Simon: "After you and my comrade feast off the dismembered corpses of your own family, my agent will then feast on you in order to complete the process."

The Traveler shuts his note book and stares back at the blurred vision of Simon.

Traveler: "Perfect! When can we start!"

Simon: "You will find my agent in the Las Vegas area. Seek him out and then your vacation will be underway!"

Traveler: "Excellent!"

Simon: "Say, I gotta ask you though? Don't you find it a bit weird that you're a Mormon and you've sought out this type of vacation?"

Traveler: "Oh, I'm not a Mormon. I just practice the religion in my house to fool my wife and kids so that I can have sex with them."

Simon: "You're going to fit right in our vacation suite Mr... What was your name again."

Traveler: "Mr. Thompson. Jack Gregory Thompson."

The scene fades out to the picture of the Thompson family on a Christmas Card.

At the bottom is titled 'Family Vacation -- 2013'.

All four members of the family are spread naked on top of inverted crosses where they are all being crucified in a sea of fire that rises from underneath them. All with enormous smiles on their faces as they point and laugh at another missing member of the family. Charred Charlie. His father Jack thought it would be funny to not purchase him a cross at the gift shop. He was the least important of the family and primarily disowned by the entire Thompson family tree.

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