Hey guys, Billy here.

I was wondering if you lovely folks could give me some feedback on my debut RP. Not so new to efedding, but this character is brand spanking new, and of course, I'm new here, so I'd appreciate anything you can tell me.

Having said that, if you're just going to say "Good job, man." While my ego will certainly appreciate it, I'd rather hear at least one thing you liked about it, and one thing I can improve on. If it's not too much trouble, I mean.

Please and thank you!

http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=26158

Really like the style and tone of the events and how they transpire. Your cadence is very different in what words you use and how you deliver them to the audience. A lot of guys struggle with transitions, like from a scene to talking about the fed or a match. That being said, I thought it was creative to have him walk out to the water and have thoughts instead of forcing something that maybe didnt fit.

Looking forward to your future works.

I second that ^ Good flow, patience and style. Living here in Tampa I have been by Jeter's place before and you did a good job of describing it. Plus, you knew it was on Davis Island. Nice research! Good overall flow and it kept my attention the entire time. A lot of new characters are written in a confusing style but not yours. Bravo

Thanks guys! I really appreciate it! That's awesome that you've been there, Chris.

Could you guys tell he was English? I didn't want to just state it, because that felt weird. I tried to write his dialogue as if he was from a "proper English family" but I worry that if one didn't read his profile or roster application that that might get lost in translation.

Actually no LOL I just thought it was a very proper dude. The English language even though it is English it's spelled differently and they have little phrases and stuff that they use try using those and try spelling color like colour and labor labour, stuff like that. Shit them English men do

I actually only used one word that could be spelled differently, and I did spell it the english way. "Favourite" instead of Favorite" and I called him Executive Director instead of Executive Vice-President (I didn't even know there was a different term for the British, I was just looking at what an Executive Vice President was and it has the English equivalents).

But I understand that those are small things that could be easily missed. I was going to try and work "bloody brilliant" in there somehow but it felt too forced. I have to stay true to the character and the story.