Would love feedback.

I just finished giving this a read. I thought this RP was really interesting. The trash talking at the end wasn't bad and I think the start of the RP was really strong. The biggest issue with the RP was the rhyming scheme, not that it was bad, but it was kind of inconsistent. The majority of the rhyming scheme had a really nice rhythm at the start, but in the small 2-3 sentence interruptions (like going to get the dog etc.) really broke up the pacing.

Otherwise, there were a few times where your grammar was a little iffy, or the sentences were just worded kind of poorly due to the rhyming scheme. "Yet when I tip my cap, on this dusty afternoon, I appreciate the folks, whom without life's a lonely moon." I had to read this a couple times initially because there isn't a comma after 'without', so the meaning on the sentence is confusing. Until I realized it should read as "whom without [pause] life's a lonely moon", the meaning didn't make sense. With that being said, you did really well because that kind of stuff is tough to get right when you have to emphasize the flow of your words and the rhyme.

In the future, if you're trying to nail smooth sounding prose, reread your piece (even read it aloud), and you should catch the little things that throw the reader off and hurt the piece. I really liked how different and ambitious the RP was, but the style is what gripped me. If you can nail the style, then it will add a fuck ton to the reader's experience.

Hope that's hopeful, man.

It is, yeah it is hard because i wrote so many differenr styles of writing i sometimes forget which rules and stuff to follow. I read and reread, i caught a lot of it but missed a few, i was a little worried the pictures were too many but for this particular one i felt it was okay. But can improve more for sure. Still tossing ideas around for my new one. Im trying to use many concepts and intertwine a lot more, then got back and integrate pieces of writing together and through so it works, like the idea of reno now. Then him in the xwf old west, but meanwhile hes imagining it as a saloon fight. Idk i maybe going with too many.

You're doing something different, and that alone is a good thing. Keep that in mind.

Thanks Tom that means a lot. Appreciate it