"The following promo is dedicated to all the brave and sad lonely cat ladies that decided to admit on national television that they eat their own excrement and live in a palace of poop. Seriously, that takes enormous amounts of heroic achievement that we all need to honor and pay tribute too. We need the touch of a woman like myself to cradle our American spirit and rock it to sleep. Freedom and liberty is not bombing a bunch of sand that have nothing to do with us like Bearded War Pig and Donald Trump would lead you to believe. Freedom and Liberty and the American way is being able to sit in your own filth and eat your own fucking feces! Not only that, but the real American way is filming that shit and putting it on national television for the entire world to see!

That's right, only in America can you become famous for eating your own fucking shit! We here would like to thank each and every single one of those fat disgusting pigs who bathe in their own sweat. No, not the Bearded War running through Afghanistan as if he were a Nazi in France in 1940. But rather a true American hero; ScatBitch, for showing everyone the absolute meaning of what it is to be a true American. When I become president, I promise that every little American girl and boy can grow up to be just like ScatBitch! Rather than a 900 million dollar failure like Donald Trump in 1995 or some muscle bound roided up reject who thinks beating Dillinger and growing a fucking beard are noteworthy. Successful? I think not. Pathetic. That's more like it. America doesn't need pathetic. It doesn't deserve pathetic. It deserves a successful woman like me.

I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approve this message that I paid millions of dollars for so that I can bring up irrelevant points that Trump can tweet at me screaming nonsense at 3 am and look like an idiot. Not also unlike Bearded War Pig, who can also bring up irrelevant points about me, while his match is against Unknown Soldier. Thank you America! Hail SATAN!"



Our beautiful scene unwraps itself before our eyes as a light rainfall dew sticks to the mid-morning grass and the sun beams overhead with an exuberant amount of light. Fully illuminating the sky with a plethora of colors, bright as the rainbow and just making a genuine glorious day look positively great as humanely possible. Cows and horses are dancing in the fields like ballerinas while humming a jolly happy go lucky tune. Along with birds landing on fence posts and whistling zippity doo da as if they were in a cartoon world; Walt Disney, jew hating brainwashing material child entertainment type of world.

Yup, it's just an all around cheerfully wonderful and glorious day outside and perfect as could ever be. Not the type of scenario that many travelers from the outwardly world expect to see when they are about to delve in the darkness and depravity of SATAN! vision. But none the less, the brightest and most beautiful scene this station has ever broadcast continues to unravel itself before the eyes of those curious enough to imagine what a world so loving and perfect could be like. For those skipping along with their eyes and indulging with their minds, gleefully gallop along with ME! as we prance our way up over the hill and follow the road as we move along.

As we make our way up over the hill and approach a valley, leading onward and looking down over a vast plains of everlasting fields of wheat, corn, soybeans, and marijuana. You know, the kinds of things you expect to be growing in the prosperous agricultural fields of the mighty and powerful good ol' U S of A. We know that this must be the land of the free and the home of the brave, as we make our way gradually towards a road sign that reads. 'Chicago'. The windy city located in the central part of America, home of our first black president Barack Obama.

Chicago is one of America's largest cities, in fact, but also most definitely its most destructive and destroyed socially and culturally. As many of you may know; Chicago is falling to fucking pieces faster than a strain of super c-diff diarrhea shooting out your asshole suddenly. Probably the most prolific and messiest way to abruptly defecate without prior knowledge or preparation for it to come rocketing out from between your ass cheeks in this way. So you can only imagine that implying the metaphor that Chicago is falling to shit this fast is a perfect analogy. Chicago has essentially turned into America's asshole, much like Detroit that held that title previous. Gangs run rampant murdering people left and right. Crack heads getting high and whores shaking their tails while running rampant under the street lights of the night. Now this is a scene more out of a page of the norm here in the crazy world of SATAN! vision.

You can't even walk down the streets of Chicago without catching a bullet between the teeth. Just ask Dwayne Wade's cousin if you don't believe that. I'm sure he's glad to return back to the Bulls to play for his home crowd again to see his city turning into an abyss of shame and shit. His cousin can't even push her child down the street in a stroller without losing her life. So naturally this type of war like battleground city is just a scene of pure crime insanity, as you're beginning to see. As people are blowing each other's heads off in the streets and gun shots are sounding off everywhere in the background.

The cartoon-ey type feeling of the whole scenario comes back to fruition as Yosemite Sam is seen in the background standing on top of the Sears Tower. Firing his mini pistols in the air over and over again and leaping up and down alternating from right foot to left like a Mexican jumping bean. It's amazing because that's exactly the same way every black person on the street is firing their gun too, but we digress. The theme song to the television show 'Hoarders' begins to play in the background as we start to pull up to probably the most despicable trailer park you've ever seen in some slum shit hole corner of Chicago. Walking up to the worst trailer in the park is the same blonde bimbo psychologist bitch that always takes it WAY too easy on these disgusting people by not telling them the truth. That most of them are just lazy slobs.



Walking beside her and looking overly concerned is the XWF Xtreme Champion, Unknown Soldier. His greased back oily blonde hair, ripped and tattered clothing, and matching wretched body odor, make him fit right in perfectly with the theme of this show. Greggo also follows closely behind the psychologist broad; that being Unknown Soldier's long time manager, making weird humping like gestures behind her by thrusting his evident boner poking through his gray sweatpants at her pelvic region.

This episode of Hoarders is brought to you by XWF; sort of like how that Wife Swap show did that episode with Ric Flair and Roddy Piper. Flair didn't bang Halle Beryy by the way, that's one trip to space mountain he certainly lied about. We then bring ourselves to the absolute biggest shit hole trailer house in the entire city of Chicago. I mean, this place is an absolute pile of turd piled on top of turd piled on top of turds. The front lawn is a deplorable mess of what we can only assume to be a combination of dog, cat, and even a bit of human feces. There is only but a few minor patches of grass that seep their little brown and yellow tinted hue blades up through the disgusting mess.

But it's mostly just a small area of turd space that is a small pathway to the actual trailer park residence itself. The trio stop in front of the lawn before proceeding any further and get into discussion. Soldier and the Hoarder psychologist dive straight into deep concentrated conversation, so naturally she can't even notice Greggo still thrusting his hips and gyrating his erection around like a helicopter directly behind her rear end. She turns around abruptly as she must have felt some sort of wind or draft come swooping in across her neck. Greggo simply remains behind her by staying just far enough behind her vision by running quickly all the way around her line of sight. Almost like running around a tree but even faster and with more hop in his step. Miraculously still thrusting his hips back and forth the entire time in full stride, not missing a beat with his humping skills. A sign on the door of the trailer simply reads 'Dong' smeared in fecal matter and jizz.

Robin Zasio: "I can definitely see now why you called me. I think we might have ourselves another category 10 poop hoarder here. This is some serious shit! Literally and figuratively!"

Unknown Soldier: "I know, we've been so worried about him lately. I just saw him about a week ago since he was the last person with the balls to try and actually pin me for my Xtreme title. I mean, the entire XWF must have turned in to a bunch of pussies or something, because I've practically had a weeks vacation from these pin attempts. Anyways, what's next? How do we get him back to the XWF."

Robin Zasio: "Well, first will have to go inside the house and find him and take a look at the conditions he's living in. I know that may seem difficult..."

Unknown Soldier: "Shouldn't really be much of an issue for me, from what I hear the dude doesn't have the diff. So I shouldn't go into a jealous hate fueled rape rage or anything like that, no worries."

Robin definitely looks quite perturbed by the statement that Unknown Soldier has just made, but doesn't want to dive too far into the just of that discussion and would rather proceed onward with the trailer house inspection. The group moves onward, trying to avoid the poop on the lawn at all costs but naturally this goes to no avail. Land mines of mud pies so powerful that they would give the real high tech bad ass blower uppers a run for their money. This is the point in a Bearded War Pig promo where he would go all in depth and talk about the specific type of land mine like that makes him ingenious. I bet if they aired his promos on QVC, they would sell out of guns in a heart beat with the specific way he describes them. Like a virgin describing sex. He better enjoy his wacky weapon talk while he still can, because no matter how he wants to pronounce his military toys, Hillary will claim them all eventually!

Arriving inside the home it's definitely much, much, much worse then the outside as hard is that is to imagine. But it's true, as at least fifteen dogs go running around the house as soon as the door flies open, barking madly and yipping like hyenas in the sky with their small teeth. Soldier reaches back with his leg and accidentally kicks Greggo in the balls, his boner still in tact mind you, and then Soldier slams his foot back forward and punts one of the little mutts across the room. It smashes against the wall and bursts into a mess of blood and guts that spray all over the place. Greggo falls to the ground grabbing his nuts and writhing in pain.

Greggo: "Oh Gee,Gee! Oh Gee,Gee!"

Unknown Soldier: "Whoops, my bad homie."

Soldier turns around to nod to Greggo in acceptance of his apology. Greggo is too busy moaning and rolling around on the floor to formally accept it, but Soldier wastes no time in this matter and enters the home. A few things stick out besides just the dogs in the small living room and kitchen area of the trailer home, in the corner sits a computer desk with about thirty various fast food restaurant cups filled to varying degrees with liquid soda and just sitting next to the computer. Probably untouched for months at a time. A kitchen trash receptacle full to the brim with human poop sitting in another corner looking hideous as ever. But most obvious of all, is the ridiculous amounts of condoms filled with shit scattered all over the fucking place.

Piles upon piles and stacks upon stacks of shit filled condoms are just laying everywhere all about the home. The group turns the corner and when they enter the bathroom they immediately find out why shit filled condoms are absolutely everywhere. It's clear that this trailer has a sewage problem that hasn't been tended to in quite some time. For probably many, many years. Therefore, the toilet is completely unable to be used and thus why the person residing here must have resorted to shitting in condoms. In the corner, squatting over another five gallon orange bucket is the former Hoarding queen, the one that's known to consume shit out of her own crap cottage on a previous episode of Hoarder. The infamous, ScatBitch!

She is known to be one of the worst cases ever reported of poop hoarding ever in the history of the show. So basically, she's the worst of the worst of Hoarders, and it doesn't get much fucking lower on the totem pole of life then that folks. ScatBitch is squatting over said bucket and using a few of the shit filled dildos to pleasure herself. This comes to no surprise to the psychologist lady, probably finds her in lots of turd temples like this. She kindly escorts ScatBitch out of the trailer. She then comes back in to finish the inspection as they make their way down the hallway and into the bedroom. When they arrive a sight of ultimate horror is bestowed upon them, as it is apparent that XWF superstar Crimson Dong has climbed into the largest shit filled condom ever and is attempting to kill himself.

Soldier freaks the fuck out and starts clawing and scratching at the stretched out latex condom, trying to free Crimson Dong from its clutches. He struggles immensely due to the slipperiness of the outside of the condom. Soldier can see dong struggling for air as his face is beginning to turn blue. This only entices him to claw and scratch at the condom attempting to cut it open even more frantically. I think this is where we might be seeing that jealous hate fueled rape rage thing coming into play Screaming out loud in horror and fighting his cries through tears he wails.

Unknown Soldier: "He's the meaning in my life! He's the inspiration! He brings feeling to my life! The inspiration!"

Finally, Soldier is able to tear open the end of the condom and free Crimson Dong. Without hesitation Soldier quickly starts performing CPR mouth to mouth style recitation maneuvers to help revive the suicidal dong. For a few moments it doesn't appear to be having an effect and Soldier looks worried, but soon after blowing a firm boost of air into his lungs, Crimson Dong begins sitting up and is now conscious. Coughing up bits of dung all over the carpet in the bedroom of his diarrhea den. Soldier embraces him tightly like a little child would a puppy they just received as a gift.

Unknown Soldier: "The XWF needs you now more than ever, oh crimson one! You scared me to death the other day when you tried to pin me and I noticed you hadn't updated your Scat shit filled condoms to C-Diff Scat shit filled condoms! I was worried you were starting to lose your touch, but now it's important for you to return so that when I'm ready I can drop my Xtreme title to you, oh strong long gong dong. Just like I did during my first Xtreme title reign to make Luca Arzegotti look like a jack ass. I saw Mr. Arzegotti just recently make a return, so he'll be titillated I'm sure to giggle over my shoulder like he usually does and watch my plans unfold.

Because clearly Mr. Vincent Lane wants to mock me by merging my title with the likes of trash champions such as Dillinger and Bearded War Pig. What the hell do I have to gain out of that? If you don't believe me that none of them are worth my time then just take a look at the Intercontinental championship that was once held by Ghost Tank! GHOST FUCKING TANK, VINNIE! That fat whiny bitch never got his hands on this Xtreme title, despite how hard he's tried, and theirs a fucking reason for that. I tell you one things for sure though. I ain't losing this thing to Bearded War Pig, but you can rest assured I'll be damned as hell to accept a merge between a title that once upon a time the of death once held and called prestigious. That's a title more inclined and intended for a man like Mr. Dong here, don't you think so? Mr. Lane!!"

The psychologist lady starts pulling Unknown Soldier off of crimson dong whom he was now apparently choking. Focused too much on the fire in his speech to remember saving the person he still held in his arms, and enraged enough by that speech to attempt to kill that same man just moments later. Soldier reaches up and back hands the bitch across the face. Staring into her eyes with the look of murder glaring behind his pupils. Her immediate reaction looking back at him in fear is to run out of the fart fort balling her eyes out and screaming for help. Greggo, suddenly leaps off the floor in one swift movement like a ninja despite rolling around in immense pain on the floor just seconds ago. Then goes chasing after the psychologist chic rocking his hips back and forth even faster and more frequently then before. Soldier angrily punts another miniature dog aimlessly walking around in the bedroom directly at us and the feed producing this broadcast inadvertently ends.