http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=20672

Check out my new RP...am I getting better? I'm feeling the rust leave more each week.

Hi, I'm not sure if it's better than your previous work since I am not familiar with it, but I did give this a read and I think it's a pretty good piece of work. I liked that you keep the story and description going throughout, and for what some might consider a small RP in length, it gave us a nice feel for what type of character you have and I think that's great.

Now for the tips:

I'd say to stop putting parenthesis around your entire scenes and narrations (the only time they should be used is if you're including action/reaction notes in-line with spoken dialogue, or otherwise odd commentary that should stand apart) and I'd also suggest to stop overusing the ellipsis (...)

Stop having so much shouting when it makes no sense. For example, at one point when he's talking to the receptionist and she's telling him where to go, why are a lot of those sentences ending in exclamation points? You have a severe over usage of exclamation points which throws off the feel of the interactions.

Be more careful about the differences between your and you're, as well as the differences between to and too. If you don't know their differences, look them up. This matters in a place where you compete through your writing.

The bit where the receptionist is surprised a person would know her name even though she has a name plate visible, is not believable. I guess you could play it off like she got so hot and bothered by his sexiness that she got nervous and forgot, but in order for that feel to be relayed, you'd have had to put a little more into that scene. Otherwise it just seemed kinda goofy to have a receptionist 'exclaim' the question of "how do you know my name!" the moment somebody walks up and greets her.

Try not to use the same words multiple times too close together, like this:

Quote: Chuck- Well whatever happens I'm sure this match alone is worth the price of admission alone!

It just sounds sloppy. There was no need for the second usage of alone.

Yeah, I nitpick. I hope you appreciated it though. Polish up your formatting and grammatical skills and I think you have a lot of potential!

Nice to see a new, or possibly not so new, face giving such thorough feedback. Very similar advice to what I would have given. This guy clearly knows his stuff and based on the two feedback replies I've seen today I have a feeling he knows exactly how I judge and how others here should be judging. The only issue I have is the whole "black ghost" thing... you might want to watch out for The Hatriots.