Can I get some feedback on this: http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=9000&pid=40029#pid40029

Honestly, I think this one wasn't as good as the first one.

Well the ending was rather graphic… I am not out to hurt people’s feelings and I know people work hard on their role-plays so do not take offence to what I say. its constructive criticism and feel free to do the same to me. This is how things are tweaked and made into winners.
I feel it was slow and kinda lacking action…again these are not action role-plays and I understand but you need to suck people in with a good hook (I’m like the blind trying to lead the blind I know). It wasn’t bad by any means…well written and had moments but I feel there could have been more…you know what I mean? And not longer…I’m talking about the golden hook.