http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=5701

I had drawn a total blank on the trash talk portion, hence why it was as short as it was. Anyone's opinions are greatly appreciated though!

I liked the story at the start. It was well written and quite interesting to read. I don't have much to add on this part of the roleplay. So keep up the creative side to things. However, the shoot part was 'weak'. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I found the tone and style of the shoot hard to read at times. What I mean by this is that some sentences didn't really make sense, for example:

'Andrew Aldway, the man who just last week on Madness had lost in a hard fought battle against Shawn Steel in which he did not come up victorious.'

The problem with this sentence is that I just don't like the structure up and till the Shawn Steel part, and the final part that comes after that is redundant because you have already mentioned that he has lost - so obviously you don't need to mention that Andrew Aldway 'did not come up victorious'.

The way I would have written the sentence would have been like this:

'Last week on Madness, a man named Andrew Aldway, lost in a brutal battle against Shawn Steel.'

Personally I think that flows better and would then lead into the next sentence. The issue with the next sentence not making sense is that you got the saying wrong, the saying is: 'be all and end all'. If you slot the correct saying into that sentence it then makes sense. For me, these errors were common in the promo part of the roleplay. Personally I found it somewhat surprising that you went from being able to write a well written story, to struggling to write a coherent promo. I appreciate that you drew a blank, but whenever you write a piece - long or short - always make sure it makes sense, because if I was judging I would knock off marks. For me, the shoot knocks the roleplay's down a grade.

My advice in regards to writing shoots, or any speech for that matter, is to always re-read your work to make sure it makes sense. When I write shoot promos I find it helpful to read what I am writing in my head, as if I am actually cutting the promo myself. By doing this it can help you make sure that the things you are writing make sense, and in turn, it can help you punctuate properly because when you speak you naturally put in 'pauses' (i.e. commas, semicolon, full stops etc). It works for me, but that's my advice on the shoot part.

Shoot promo aside, the story part of the roleplay was good.

Thank you! I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read through my work and giving feedback. Yeah, I myself wasn't a fan of my trash talk portion either. I did rush through it without much in the way of rereading due to knowing that Aldway had opted to take time off and was probably going to no show. Coupling that with the time it takes to adjust from a certain type of character who does more in the sense of sarcastic, wise ass humor for trash talk to someone like Paradoxica.

All in all though, better get my ass in gear for the trash talk in my next RP though.

Again, thank you.