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Noah Jackson · (02-27-2023)

Making a Movie with Thaddeus Duke

We open up on a little person with doughy features and a boyish charm looking sad and mopey in a horrendous, over-priced home. He stands on his tip-toes to peek at the mirror and fixes his shit hair atop his malformed head. He lets out a sigh as he drops to two grounded feet.

"Oh woe is me. I am so very depressed! My life is in constant turmoil and followed by shadows of the past that haunt me! The sins of the father, a burden I must carry... "

There is a knock at the door and the man wobbles over to open it up and an old man enters the scene sporting an eye patch. They light up when seeing each other.

"Doc! Thank goodness you're here to tell me how great I am!"

"Yes, my friend! And I also brought your brother-uncle Theo to eat your ass while I slurp on your balls."

A man in a tacky suit also enters and waves at the little person.

"Sup. Don't be sad, Thaddeus, we're here to boost you while you make the most boring promos I've ever seen in my life."

"Thad" places his hands on his hips and gives a wide smile.

"Gee, you guys are the best! Maybe now people will take me seriously unlike my shit of a dad who tried for several years to take over the Vatican for no reason and failed at it spectacularly! Like at how I constantly fail to be entertaining in any way!"

"You are indeed a dry piece of shit, Thaddeus, but don't worry! You can just copy Noah and involve me! A living legend to suck your dick instead of me acting like I normally do in a fun and unique way! Thank goodness that I hang around with you to be used and make you look better than you actually are and ruin the AMAZING mystique I have created around myself."

"And I'm here too, another legend that will suck your tiny cock and you can use me like a whore so YOU can return to the XWF and drain every ounce of charisma out of the people around you so you can make yourself feel special like some kind of vampire! You vile little goblin!"

"Thanks uncle Theo, or my brother Theo! I can never make my mind up! Gee, I sure am a fucking homunculus! I can always rely on using you to boost my floundering career! Shame, Dolly Waters isn't here for me to simp over."

"Oh you don't care about Dolly anymore."

"Really? Why not?"

"Theo" shrugs.

"No one knows! And you don't care enough for that to be a point anyway! You're too busy making your return seem like a big deal when it really fucking isn't! I mean, geez, if it was Alias or The Engineer, sure people would care but a mid-carder like you? No way!"

"Doc" puts up his palms between "Theo" and "Thad."

"Guys, friends! Enough talk, let's get down to-" "Doc" begins mimicking sucking a cock. *Uncomfortable slurping noises*

"Woah, slow down, Doc! We haven't even had a chance to introduce my large ass family for no reason and- ... And I- ... Ugh, Noah can we talk?"

Fucking hell this cunt! He drops his arms turning to me in my sick director's chair with my sick puffy pants, I growl lifting my megaphone.

"CUT!"

A bell rings as I stomp over to Jimmy, the actor playing the role of Thaddeus Duke. The other actors and crew begin to move off the set as I rub my brow and get to Jimmy who begins taking off the prosthetics on his face.

"Yes, cunt?"

I fold my arms and tap my foot looking quite irate as Jimmy sighs.

"I just don't get my character at all, man. Like what's my motivation?"

"Motivation? You're playing Thad Duke, your motivation changes like the fuckin' wind cunt. Just read the script and act like you're livin' a lie."

I go to walk back but Jimmy stops me.

"But I don't get it! This all seems like a mean-spirited joke rather than a real production."

I scrunch up my brow looking around.

"It is a mean-spirited joke, cunt. Listen, Jim." I throw my megaphone on the couch and take a seat on the arm with a sigh as I look at him. "I wanna be King of the XWF, like a lot, it fits me so perfectly and now I'm gonna get it done. But the one person in my way at this moment in time is Thaddeus Duke. Do I consider him a big enough threat to go through all this rigamarole? Nah, cunt, I really don't. I can talk circles around the shit cunt. I am stronger and faster than the shit cunt, I am simply better in every way, shape and form than the shit cunt. These are facts."

"But! I want to do something better than just verbally bitch slap him. I want to teach the tiny cunt a lesson."

"I want to show the world that Thaddeus Duke is as boring as Mastermind when it comes to producing his shit. Yeah, the cunt has nice composition and flowery dialogue but it is so FUCKIN' DULL! I don't want to just beat Thaddeus Duke, I want to show everyone I can make a better Duke promo than him! And I need you!" I prod Jimmy in the chest. "To start acting like the people surrounding Duke and stop having opinions of your own and just do as I say."

Jimmy burns a hole through me as I stand up and look down at him before walking back to me chair and sitting down.

"From the top!"

"Movie business is cooked, cunts."

"Fucking actors, cunt, just always moaning about shit! Don't know how Thad can deal with all the earaches. Then again the cunt probably has tinnitus hearing his own bullshit day in and day-fucking-out. But I really wanna show the world how easy it is to make a good Duke promo, problem is... It's not fuckin' easy when Thaddeus Duke is ya main character! He's like a black hole sucking every ounce of fun! Oh well, still tryin' cunts! Wish me luck."

I take off my directing beret and muss up me mullet as I cross a leg and stare down that video scope.

"So!" I clap my hands together and lean in. "You got lucky over Atty, you struggled against Charlie and now you're here against the hardest worker in the biz. The sickest cunt and the future KING of the XWF! This handsome cunt who is gonna knock your ass shorter and send you cryin' out the company you trash cunt."

"Basically, Thad, I don't like you, never have, never will. You want to pop back up with fireworks and streamers like your return deserves celebration like people should throw themselves at your feet to kiss your boots and treat you like a God for no fuckin' reason! Why the fuck do you think you can get that? I didn't get that! I deserved that shit, cunt, I earned people's respect you think you're owed it!"

"I'm much better and far more handsome than you! I deserve all that! But we do share a similarity." I try not to vom saying that. We're both second-generation wrestlers, my dad fucked the XWF, rocked it on its side and showed me the ropes when he did it! I deserve the fireworks! You? YOU CUNT! The only thing your dad left you was picking up the pieces of shit promos and fetal alcohol syndrome."

"..."

"That's not a joke by the way take a look at this shit!"

"I've been staring at that shit for hours, cunt, I couldn't fuckin' believe it! Explains a lot though."

"Cunt, you've been coasting since you got cashed-in on for the SuperCon, that little hiccup at War Games proved that shit. Your poor performance there proved to every single person in the fuckin' world that Duke ain't got it anymore... Just like his dad, that shit cunt is burning on the barbie. The well has run dry and Thaddeus Duke needs to rely on dear ol' Theo once again to help him out. Has to rely on Doc to cradle his balls. Shit, I have people turn up in my stuff, cunt, everyone does. Only difference is most people don't use the other guys like glory holes. Most people just let others be themselves."

"Shame ol' Adolf Duke needs exact results-" I do a pretty okay German impression. "At all timez!"

I chuckle to meself grabbing a can of VB off the side and taking a hearty swig.

"Ah, Doc, cunt, y'know that cool thing you do where you act wild and go on insane mind-alternating, reality-bending journeys? Yeah, cunt, none of that, I need you to hold me chode while I take a piss on Charlie Nickles. Nah, I don't want any of the self-realisation stuff, just rub me off please."

"You fuckin' suck, cunt."

"And I get called out for stealing shit! Fuckin' hell we need to go bully Duke more! Next we're gonna see him sayin' cunt a bunch and making a Die Hard parody."

"I cannot wait to kick your ass, it is something I want so fuckin' much cunt. Your smug smile, your sense of superiority, your stupid fuckin' face. I want to drop you into mush, cunt! I want the world to see Thaddeus Duke as the fraud he is, as the fuckin' hack he is! As the most BORING cunt in wrestling."

"Every single fuckin' thing he does has been played out and done to fuckin' death. Thad meanders around before someone shows up, he does his boring family shit and talks like a cunt. WOWEE!" I speak in a satirical, monotonous, boring tone. Like someone in a Thad promo actually. "Thaddeus Duke you are SOOOOOOOOO exciting and are such an innovator! I cannot wait to watch another promo of yours so I have another reason to push the barrel of a gun against my temple."

I take another swig with an eye roll and clear my throat.

"Would it kill you to do anything... Good? Even Mastermind tries something new with game shows and riddles about locations. Yeah, they suck but at the very least they're different! Charlie Nickles sucks so fuckin' much, he hasn't done anything in a whole ass year but at least he tries to do something new! Raion Kido, fuck me, that shit cunt tries something new in every promo! It's not hard to get out of your comfort zone and fuckin' try!"

"That is one of the many reasons I fuckin' despise your four-foot ass. You're a scared little child! You can't improve because you don't have it in you, you can't do something different because you lack the creativity, you cling onto the same ol' shit you do EVERY FUCKIN' TIME because it worked once a long time ago."

"You're boring."

"You're dull."

"You are McDonald's."

"You push out the same slop over and over and people eat it up because it's familiar. Because it has a big name attached to it. Nothing quality with zero substance. Recycled garbage to be fed to the masses."

"I'm prime rib, cunt! Put the beef on another level because I raise the steaks. I improve every fuckin' time, I try something new, I am better! You're mass-produced manufactured shit! They stopped making the cloth that I'm cut from!"

"I deserve those fireworks and streamers, not you!"

"And I will prove that to you time and time again, cunt. No matter how much you try and send me to sleep with your promos, I'll wake the fuck back up and bitch slap the syndrome out of you. No matter the same ol' shit you throw at me in the ring, I'll shrug it off and steamroll ya fuckin' career."

"Have fun in the loser's circle ya dog cunt."

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