"Deep down I know I'm not the first or the last to suffer a loss with such gravity that it shakes my ability to even look others in the eye, but even that knowledge doesn't help me process it. I was supposed to prove that my whole spiel meant something. I was supposed to defeat The Engineer and provide some sort of closure for Ethan. For my best friend. Now I can't even see his face without focusing on the scar. That's my fault. My doing. A part of me is glad I've sworn off renewing my contract because I don't know if I can handle another loss like that. My mind lingers at the vision on the mountain.”

-From the Red Journal of Ned Kaye (April 4th, 2020)

---

---

---

A bitter wind flew past Ned, his hair brushing against his ears as he walked forward. It was a trail he hadn’t been on in over a year and it was his first time traversing it alone. It was quite the travel to get out to this kind of wilderness anyway, but he had underestimated just how noticeable the lack of another person could be out in the woods. He glanced at his surroundings, taking note of the foliage crowding the areas near his feet. The dirt path that had gotten him this far was becoming more and more obscured by undergrowth as the scattering of trees that comprised these woods became more dense. Ned took a breath, the stench of earth filling his lungs. He had become accustomed to intense scents from living in New York, yet this was an overwhelming sensation all its own. No smell of gasoline or grease, simply unfiltered dirt and plants. Another gust flew by, a slight numbness building on the tips of Kaye’s ears as he began to put on a small winter cap, taking it out of a small backpack he had brought for the journey and looking off into the distance to see if he could find what he had come here for.

The mountain.

Isolation. If a brief variety.

Peace. Likely even briefer, given Ned’s experiences.

But the real thing he came here to seek was simply closure. Closure for the twisted vision that he had seen almost a year ago. The same one he swore he saw just weeks ago. He couldn’t tell Urias about it. He hated even describing it to Ethan when he had. Yet the experience at the megachurch had certainly bothered him more than those past times had. There was something disturbing about seeing a reflection of himself say things Ned had never believed. Just intrusive disgusting thoughts Ned had fought against his whole life being repeated to him via a delusional mirror seeking to exploit his own uncertainty.

Upon further review of the thoughts, Ned definitely decided it right not to mention it to Pheelanruff. Damn it, he felt crazy enough just letting the ideas tumble around inside of his brain.

With a few steps forward, he made it to where the path had diverged the last time he encountered this place. He thought about following the one he had tread those months ago. To see his former friend and mentor would even speak to him. With a gaze towards them both, he paused, taking a moment to ponder.

---

"March Madness. Two words that mean a ton to practically everyone in New York. But they hold a specific history and importance to me. My debut in the XWF. My second Universal Title shot. This pay-per-view and I are intertwined. And yet, this is my first time ever competing in the tournament portion. Not that I'm particularly adverse to tournaments, it's just always been a very taxing proposition. And while I didn't enter myself into this tournament, I've taken a long time to think about it. If I wanted to, I could easily walk in there with no interest to win and walk out with another loss on my record and an empty spot in my heart."

Ned leaned against a tree using his forearm as he shook his head.

"And so in front of me stands two paths. The familiar. The safe. The unsatisfying. And across from it the painful prospect of the unknown and uphill. I didn't want to join these brackets anymore than I wanted to come to these woods. But I'm done following a comfortable despair. I'm done relying on everyone I love to pick me up for every major fight I have. It's time I carry this stone to the top of the mountain. It's time I relied on myself again. I feel like I've been chasing a shadow of a mythical version of myself that never existed. To recapture the fire within while ignoring where I've come. Where I am. I don't want to keep trying to be the Ned Kaye from early 2019. Not because I didn't enjoy that time, but because that's not who I am anymore. But it's also still a piece of what I am now. Just because I want to look forward doesn't mean I must betray or abandon what's come before. And being out here… in the woods…"

---

Ned stepped towards the unknown trail, the fallen branches and thick roots crunching beneath his footsteps. Each step brought him farther from where most people would tread, but it had its own peaceful aura. He had decided to come out here not only to climb up the mountain to see if he could discover some personal fulfillment but to see if he could maybe get a grasp of meditation. He certainly didn’t believe in all of the fancy supernatural chakra stuff, despite having once bought into the story of a supposed time-traveling spirit fighting a Pagan death god, but it was a pretty complicated time back then anyway. The important part was just replicating those hallucinations and confronting whatever that vision was head on. At least, that was the important part he’d admit to himself. Deep down, he knew he really just didn’t want to discuss this feeling with Urias. Psychiatrist or not, Ned knew how he had looked at some of this behavior from his coworkers.

Corey. Charlie. Robert. All dealing with some supposed supernatural force. It looked and sounded insane, particularly to a man who had dedicated most of his strategies to the scientific method. Every strength and weakness had an explanation in Ned’s world and he rarely confronted the terrifying concept that his was the world of delusion and theirs was reality. And trying to say he saw something that even slightly resembled any of that was just confining himself to an admission of cracking under the pressure. After dwelling on the matter for a while, he had finally spaced out for long enough to step into a peaceful little area near a small river.

The gentle sounds of the flowing water were calming to Kaye, whose common routines typically abandoned such soft noises for the harsh horns of traffic and constant chatter of city denizens as their feet marched in unison. The cacophony of his daily life wasn’t something Ned resented by any means, but he’d be lying if he said he felt he could get a decent thought in from time to time. He found a mostly clear, flat rock and sat down, patting his makeshift seat as he took slow, deep breaths. Ned had always seen how these kinds of rituals playout from movies and comics, but he wasn’t that naive to think it would be so similar. Still, there was a part of him that hoped there was a little more truth than he gave them credit for.

He closed his eyes.

The first realization was just how difficult it was to have a clear mind in the first damn place. The more he tried to focus, a growing number of thoughts would ensnare his mind. It was almost frustrating, the internal noise finally illuminating to Ned just how much he had his mind constantly working. He focused on the sound of the stream, its melodic variations cleansing the constant noise in his head. Each passing breath was another thought flowing down the stream, Ned picturing himself as an anchor as everything seemed to flow past him.

That’s when the first stones collided. The memories. Ethan’s bloodied face. The crooked smile of The Engineer looming above him at the last March Madness. Ned’s eyes shot open, a slight tremble coming over him. He had underestimated just how much he had held onto it all. The hatred of… whatever the hell Corey was or thought he was at the time. The disappointment. The complete apathy that Ned adopted after sacrificing his dream job for nothing. He thought back to Chris Chaos’s demented grin as he and his lackeys tortured Ned’s family. To the pastor’s face as he drugged Ned and plunged him into a bargain-bin hell designed to brainwash followers into cattle. To losing the Hart Title so quickly it seemed after capturing it. Ned even thought to Urias’s benign act of signing him up for the March Madness tournament. Deep down he dreaded the idea. He’d never won a match at the pay-per-view and the idea of competing through all of it only to face the same end just ate away at Ned. It was the last thing he wanted or needed.

He could feel part of himself wanting to focus on those memories even more. To revel in his dissatisfaction, but even all of it couldn’t stop him from thinking about his elation in debuting at the 2019 March Madness. Of leading his team at that year’s War Games, even if they suffered defeat. To his friendship with Daniel. To his return to the XWF ring. To his win of the Hart Championship and the acceptance of the crowd he was convinced had long stopped caring about him. All of it was a mixture of good and bad. Of highs and lows. And it was all him. All Ned Kaye. It all brought him here. After a few more minutes, he could feel his heartbeat lighten, his triumphs and failures flowing past him on the stream. He finally felt a brief moment of thoughtlessness, then wondering if he could finally confront whatever it was that insisted on haunting him from time to time. With a gulp, Ned opened his eyes.

Nothing.

He might’ve expected it, but it certainly didn’t make it anymore satisfying. Sure, the vision was vivid and it was something he still saw in his nightmares, but it wasn’t some supernatural thing he could contact. It was just a hallucination brought on by a near death experience and a drug trip. Ned was sure of it. He had to be.

Standing up, his backpack slung over his shoulders, Ned walked towards the mountain, it’s side nearly in view. And he was going to reach the top.

---

---

---

"It's helped me come to terms with a lot. Robert once told me that I see the forest for the trees. And he was right. Hell, I let sell-outs like Chris Page shake my confidence and conflate my growth with weakness. For all of my flaws, and there are a ton, I've grown a lot coming to the XWF. This company- no, this community of fans and wrestlers holds a special spot in my heart and I'd like to believe that I hold a special place in this community. So, for everyone, allies and foes, fans and those who want me off of television for good, and especially for myself, I am going to win the March Madness tournament. What better place than at March Madness to prove myself once more in the toughest pro wrestling competition around."

"Now, Scarlet, I hope you've been listening. I didn't forget about you, nor did I come here just to discuss my own personal feelings ad nauseam. Because we have business to attend to. I don't know if it was you and The Misfits who targeted Edgar and I, but you can be assured I'll wrestle you as if you were. Your insults would almost be effective if they weren't so standard. Idiot? Fuckwit? Whatever strange tirade you threw at Mini Morbid? For someone with the moniker of Huntress, you would hope to see a little more inventiveness. But I wouldn't expect you to put in that time. For you, every opponent is just wild game. You don't respect them as people or as equals. You just want to find the killing blow. Maybe that's because everyone makes fun of your name and underestimates you? I can vouch that people will latch onto any detail to mock you over. My alcoholism, my name, my hardships, my perseverance? Everything has been eviscerated by dollar-store wordsmiths looking to cut me down."

"Yet I'm still here, Scarlet. Despite hearing harsh words from poets and pricks alike, it never snuffed me out. Never did me in. You want a hunt, Donaldson? You've got it. But don't mistake me for a wounded deer or an ox grazing while you steady the arrow. The only similarity between me and some of your former challengers is that you'll find yourself not being able to beat me. Your empty barrel of cliche-ridden disdain is nothing I haven't endured from myself in darker moments. Do you really think those hollow words will gain meaning just by leaving your lips? I want the following to be clear, Huntress: I am not here to be second or first round fodder. I might be a last second entrant against my own will even, but that won't influence my ability to subdue and surpass you. You can keep your convenient allies of sleazy businessmen and your disrespect for all who stand opposed to you. I'll win this match for one key reason: I've worked so much harder on myself in order to get it. I want this victory more. I want to honor the biggest yearly show of the XWF with a fitting victory. If that means surviving your attempt at hunting me, then consider me a snipe. You come here for glory. For a mantle on the wall."

"But me? I'm here for the battle. For the love of this sport filled with humility and egotism alike. And when you've said everything, Scarlet, after the final word has left your mouth before this match, you'll notice one thing after our confrontation. After you've been beaten by the prey you underestimate so immensely. You know what that is?"

"The mat against your shoulders."

---

---

---

TO BE CONTINUED

"You can't run from yourself."