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Vita Frickin Valenteen · (08-30-2019)

*****WARNING | The following promo contains spoilers from this weeks Anarchy*****

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Episode 1 - Bad Merch for a Bad Girl or ME vs The Nothings 3

”WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT!?!”

VV exclaimed as she sat on the couch crouched over her ipad. Jessica tried to ignore her outburst, but VV was SOOOO upset by whatever she was looking at, that there was no way Jessica was getting out of participating in VV’s tantrum. VV poked, pinched, and swiped her way to enlarging the image that had been attached to an email from the marketing department. She then scooted towards Jessica and shoved her ipad into her face.

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”Can YOU believe they sent me THIS!?!”

Jessica huffed as she slammed her book closed, obviously annoyed by VV’s outburst and cry for attention. Jessica glanced at the image and shrugged.

”Okay, what’s the problem?”

”What’s the problem? WHAT’S THE PROBLEM? I’ve worked for this company for a year now, right? And like, I’ve totally risen to the top of the ranks even before I totally out wrestled Sarah Lacklan last night and exposed her for being the faker that she is. I’m a multi time tag champ, a former Xtreme champ, I’m one of the select few to currently hold a 24/7 briefcase, ANNNNNNND after Relentless, I WILL BE the ANARCHY CHAMPION! Soooo, I FINALLY get a mock up design for my first ever T-shirt, and THIS is what they send me!?!”

”Ash, you’re overreacting, that shirt looks fine.”

VV’s cheeks began to glow a deep shade of red and I’m pretty sure she stopped breathing for a minute. The girl was PISSED, and that was evidenced more so when she hurled her ipad across the room where it smashed into the drywall, leaving a pretty unsightly hole where it made an impact

”Fine…. FINE!!!???!!! Do you think I deserve a shirt that just looks… FINE??? I worked my butt off training to be one of the elite in this company, and last night, I put every ounce of that training to use as I wrestled circles around Sarah Lacklan and proved that I deserve a shot at the Anarchy championship! Does that sound like someone whos merch should just look…. FINE???”

Jessica let out a sigh.

”Listen, I’m trying to study, maybe we can talk about this later?

Oh yeah that’s right, Jessica is enrolled in college and they just started the new semester. Unfortunately for her, I don’t think VV gives a damn.

”Oh, so now your precious book is more important than your BEST FRIEND???”

“FINE!”

“I won’t trouble you with my stupid rasslin’ problems anymore!”

VV started to storm off, and maybe Jessica should have let her. Lord knows she wanted to, especially with the way VV had been acting lately.

”Wait…”

“I’m sorry, let’s talk about it. What’s wrong with the shirt?”

VV stopped dead in her tracks. She didn’t turn around right away, but instead she gritted through her clenched teeth.

”What isn’t wrong with it?”

Suddenly VV spun around to face Jessica. It almost looked as though she was fighting back tears.

”It doesn’t look ANYTHING like me! The hair’s WRONG, the costume’s WRONG, the stupid blank expression on my face is WRONG. I’m Ms. personality! I’m not one of those mindless, monotone, monotonous, sleep inducing, flacks that the XWF loves to fill the roster with, ya know, like the idiots I’m being forced to share the ring with at Savage. I’m Vita frickin’ Valenteen, high energy and fantastic skill both in the ring and in front of the camera! My mere presence on a card assures it to be a sell out, yet I’m not only being forced to share the ring with the stinkiest piles of dogshit from years past, but also presented with the most generic piece of merch this side of “I mastered your mind”?”

“PUH-LEASE, JUST SHOOT ME NOW!!!”

VV crossed her arms in a huff and slinked into the couch to the point that her ass was barely hanging onto the edge of the cushion.

”I think you’re overthinking it girl, it’s just a T-shirt.”

”Just a T-shirt? It’s the embodiment of all of my accomplishments. It symbolizes all of the HARD WORK that I put in to get to where I am today! If my T-shirt sucks, then that’s going to lead people to falsely believe that I suck by proxy, and as bad as this shirt sucks, people are going to think that I’m in competition with the Sugay sisters to see who can have more semen pumped out of their bellies at the ER!”

Jessica actually fights back the urge to laugh at that statement since even she knows that the Sugay's are like totally whores who not only brag about fucking on camera, but also are known to produce erotic content in their promo’s to draw attention away from the fact that they aren’t very good wrestlers.

”It’ll be fine, just shoot an email back to the head of the XWF marketing department and air your grievances with them.”

”Oh yeah, so I should totally write a nasty email over this shirt design, right? GEEEZ, that’s such a Sarah thing to do! No, I’m going to do one better. I’m going to design my own shirt and sell it myself! Maybe I should take over the books too while I’m at it? Then maybe I could actually step into the ring with people that matter and not have to keep facing washouts and ! GOD! I always thought Noah was full of crap, but you know what? He’s totally getting the shaft around here, JUST LIKE ME!”

At this point, Jessica realized that this conversation was not only going nowhere fast, but that VV wasn’t going to listen to any advice that she offered. So, she decided to pick her book back up and return to her studies. VV darted her eyes over to Jessica and steamed as she realized that Jess was back to the books. In a huff, VV jumped up and stormed towards her bedroom.

”SORRY FOR BORING YOU WITH MY STUPID LIFE!”

*SLAM!*

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”OMG guys, one of my opponents spoke up about the match last week. That’s right, one, just ONE! I’m facing two guys who, while both suck, still managed to carve out a small bit of nority for themselves here in the XWF, and the odd man out is some fat doofus who hasn’t managed to do dick all with his career except for jump from fed to fed searching for a pond small enough that he might stand a chance of actually winning a match. Guess which one was dumb enough to open their mouth? That’s right, Kieran “Totally Not” Over-ton! I’m sure some of you idiots saw that sorry excuse of a promo, and applauded Kieran’s tenacity, but I wonder instead if he’s just stupid like his boyfriend Samuel McLosingtons! For real, neither Finn Kuhn or Michael Mcbride are known for being the brightest bulbs in the room, but even those two morons are smart enough to know that the only chance they have of walking out of this match with any semblance of dignity is to keep their mouths shut, take their beatings, and pray to the good lord above that everyone quickly forgets about how they lost to a little girl. Not Karren though, Karren think’s that promotion number 247 is going to FINALLY be the place that he gains a bit of traction, maybe wins a match or two, and FINALLY makes a name for himself. Of course he’s already made a name for himself and just doesn’t know it. Just follow the breadcrumbs that he and the The Monstimals leave in their wake every time they jump companies and you’ll see the very clear story of a bunch of losers who expect the world to be handed to them on a silver platter, and jump ship every time they are faced with the reality that you have to work for EVERYTHING that you want! Just like I did when I out wrestled and outclassed Sarah Lacklan last night and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I, Vita Valenteen, deserve to be YOUR Anarchy champion!”

”You don’t know anything about that though do you Karren!?! No, instead you think sitting around the house eating doughnuts while you’re between jobs makes you look like some sort of powerhouse monster, but the only people who are actually afraid of you are all-you-can-eat buffet owners! Do you REALLY think that you’re going to come into MY XWF and build your name off ME? HELL NO! There’s no chance of that ever happening because I’ve worked too hard for too long to develop the finely honed skills that have slowly taken me straight to the top of this company, and now that I’m firmly perched atop the XWF hierarchy not even the mighty Sarah Lacklan or Robert Main can unseat me! So what in the hell makes you think that you, of all people can!?! When people see my name advertised for an event, they know that their going to be entertained. Entertained by the fact that I’m going to go into that ring and take some wannabe tough guy to school and teach him all about what it means to be successful in this business, and hey, here’s a free preview. Being successful in this wacky world of blood sports and larger than life characters requires one thing above all else.”

“ENTERTAINMENT!”

“If you can’t entertain the paying fans, then it doesn’t matter how big and tough you are. It doesn’t even matter how many moves you know, or what magical powers you may claim to have, because at the end of the day, if you can’t entertain the people watching you and make them realize that whatever you’re doing, it’s MUST-SEE-TV, then you’ll never manage to get anywhere in this business. That’s just a fact, and admittedly, it’s one that I only recently came to realize myself.”

“I came into the XWF around this time last year and guess what Karren? I was floating on cloud nine! I was 16 years old and had already achieved my dream of becoming a professional wrestler! I thought the hard part was over, and now all I would have to do is fine tune my skill set in that ring, and boom, main event! Boy was I wrong huh? Not only did I NOT find myself in the main event, but I eventually realized that I was losing more matches than I was winning. Why? Because I was so focused on how to perfectly apply a headlock, that the most important trait of a successful pro wrestler is to captivate an audience. Seriously, everything else will fall in line if you just do that one thing. Of course, that’s hard to do when you’re whole schtick is;”

VV crosses her eyes and begins to stumble around with her arms out in front of her like a zombie or Frankenstein or something.

”ME BIG STRONG! ME SAY MEAN THINGS! ME WIN ALL THE MATCHES!”

VV relaxes her body and rolls her eyes before smiling wide with a breathy chuckle.

”Seriously dude? Are you that frickin’ dense that you REALLY think that act is going to get you anywhere around here other than standing in the unemployment line with the likes of EDWARD? You’re not scary, you’re not feared, and nobody gives a damn how well you THINK you can throw insults because firstly, I PROMISE you that there are 20 other guys around here that can throw them better, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNND if trying to hurt feelings is supposed to be your special move or something… WOW, you’re in far more need of help than I thought!”

“You wanna become something in this business Karren? Then sit down, shut up, and take notes this Saturday, because I’m going into that ring, and I’m facing 3 other fuckwits, you included just incase your math skills are as sharp as your wrestling skills, and… and… ANNNNND I’m going to kick the crap out of all three of you at the same time, because frankly, when it comes to the three of you guys, one plus one plus one equals less than Gilmour, and if you can’t beat Peter Gilmour, you don’t deserve to be in that ring to begin with. That’s the real reason Lane retired, just ask him!”

“And see, people think that I’m a BAAAAAAAD girl now. It’s like they think going after Sarah has somehow changed me, but the fact is I’m that same super chipper, ultra helpful, others before myself girl that I’ve always been. That’s exactly why I’m going to whoop the crap outta you boys at Savage. Because if any of you are going to ever rise up to be semi competent competitors, the best way to learn isn’t by having it explained to you, but by EXPERIENCING greatness yourself, firsthand. Well boys, prepare to experience greatness so fine, it’s liable to blind.”

“See ya at Savage! XOXO”

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