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Dolly Waters · **02-01-2019, 01:39 PM**

Look: let me start out by saying that this, what I'm fixing to do, isn't my usual style.

Straight promo.

Angry rap music playing in the back ground.

No fluff, no filler, no filter.

Unabashed, pissed off teenage cunt on the rag.

All wild eyed and in your face with a rant. Most of which will be tuned out by any pertinent ears as they scour the tape for lines relating to only themselves.

I tend to go in a little more subtly than this, especially leading into what is usually considered a "big time match".

And that's by design.

I enjoy the methodical approach. Taking my time. Getting you fans and you foes a feel for all of the flavorful emotions that begs for teeth sinking and savoring. Wrapping my opponents up in mental twists and straits before we even hit the ring. That's what I usually try to accomplish.

But this isn't the usual XWF anymore. And since I've returned that's gotten really... REALLY crystal clear. Please don't get me wrong here, folks. I hate to come off as ungrateful, or to be taking shots at those at the top- as they were- but this has all gotten ridiculous.

For starters, who is even excited for this triple threat shit show coming up on February twelfth? Dolly Waters, the proverbial 'wait, who is that again?' triangulating off against...

Wait a fucking second!

Did I say the twelfth?

That can't be because the twelfth is a Tuesday. I know that because a new episode of Siren will be airing on Freeform, aaaand I'm pretty damn excited about that. So what gives? Has management now, in all of their fabled glory and wisdom decided to move Warfare to Tuesdays?

Tuesday Warfare...

Humm. Eliminates the whole alliteration thing. Sounds kind of goofy.

Oh!

Maybe the brass has decided that a four day break between their weekly booking disaster and their bi-weekly booking disaster is just too long of a wait for the fans.

The plebs are absolutely scrambling to know how John Lewis will fair with the day long travel time and jet lag between Shithole, Montana and New Zealand after having faced off against some water goddess. Demi-gods are all the rage nowadays. They make up about two thirds of the entire roster it seems.

BUT YES! THAT'S IT!

After an epic battle against generic demi-god number seventeen how on earth will John Lewis fair against none other than Drezdin!? The walking, talking, sometimes wrestling, autism awareness advertisement. That match has got to be a sleeper to steal the entire show.

The anticipation of the arbitrary is absolutely palpating!

Wait, did use that sentence correctly? Eh, fuck if I know. I'm not really into the whole brevity thing that's infected the XWF lately either. It's too hot to touch! Demi-gods and grammar. Fuck me running!

Buuuuuut none of that really makes any sense now does it? Why on earth would I actually think that Warfare would be on the twelfth? How on earth could I, Dolly Waters, be that fucking obtuse?

WAAAAAAIT! Now I remember!

Really?

No wonder I'm so fucking confused!

Have we actually grown that goddamn inept around the XWF these days?

I mean the website, which is like a scheduling sanctuary for us talent is completely FUBAR right now. There's not even a goddamn marker placed between last week's Warfare vignettes and the upcoming shit. How am I supposed to keep up once Scully starts uploading a bunch of awful freestyle raps videos and shit? We're going to have to start exporting my reactions through Youtube.

Is it really any wonder that the programming is so shitty right now? Management appears to have totally given the fuck up on life. It's so bad that Chris Chaos has even slipped into some type of depression and isn't in every other segment on every other show anymore. Just look at the ending of last week's Warfare. The goddamn principal owner of XWF has to come down the ramp and enforce the ref to restart the main event. Where was that gay magician dude? Or that Lex Luther looking fucker?

Christ all fucking mighty!

But wait! There's more! #ripbillymayes

After the main event FINALLY comes to an end, we get some random Fabio looking dirtbag and a woman walking through fire and making a bunch of hand gestures at Robert Main. No commentary. No context. Then it takes us looking at that jacked up Warfare card on the website, posted under the wrong date to understand that what we all witnessed was some sort of sadly executed set up for a Tag Title match.

Well! Lucky you, fans! You get a stacked main event featuring assholes who've never done anything of substance but parade around briefly on the alternate XWF network and interfere in matches. So what happens? Management starts rewarding these jagoffs with title shots? Give me a goddamn break already.

This is the type of stuff I'm talking about. Which leads me back to my match up.

That was one helluva' digression, I know.

Peter Gilmour is smiling wicked as fuck at me right now fer'certain.

Nothing around this fucking place makes any sense, and management is no where to be found to answer for their bullshit.

It's insulting, not just to the intelligence of the fans, but to me as well. These people don't want to see me beating the breaks off of Scully and that skinny lesbian you have me matched up against on Warfare. Winning back a title that no one could ever defeat me for in the first place when I was thirteen.

Sebastian Duke returns at the same time that I return, and in his first match back on Warfare he gets entered in a Universal Title contender match. Good for him. But against another one of those demi-gods that I literally JUST BEAT on Savage the week before? Why did he get that opportunity and not me? I've won every active singles title in the XWF, and yet to this day, I still have never received a Universal title match. NOT EVEN WHEN MANAGEMENT ARE HANDING OUT TITLE SHOTS TO JOB-BERS?!

And now, just in the short time that I've been back, I've already beaten a former Universal Champion. Again. So it's not like I haven't always been able to throw punches with the big boys, so what's really the deal?

I'll tell you what the deal is, the XWF management are, as they've always been, afraid of what might happen if Dolly Waters were to get her well deserved opportunity. They know, just like the fans have known all of these years, that I am one of the best competitors this federation has ever seen!

So what if they toss me in some mid-card championship feud where I'll win and be stuck defending it against the random members of the roster that management doesn't know how to use? At least that keeps a 15 year old girl away from your top prize, huh?

Well, guess what? Not this time.

Because after I win the Hart Championship on the wrong-dated Warfare, I've got a plan to force you morons hand. And believe you me- if I don't get what I deserve, Dolly Waters has no fucking problem walking out the door and going to make a fuck ton of money elsewhere.

Scully and Zane, I really hate to put it this way, but yer' both in fer' it come Warfare. And it's really not either of y'alls fault either. I'm winning this match and then I'm going on up the mountain. I'm going to finally give these fans exactly what they've been wanting to see. So buckle up bucka-roos. It's about to be one helluva ride.

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