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"The Wolf of Afghanistan" Joshua Schuler · (12-03-2017)

BWP, Brandon, and Sheriff MacDonald all three stand in a line over a workbench passing a marijuana cigarette back and forth while discussing plans. Even though temperatures are below freezing the barn is nice and warm from a pellet stove that sits on the west side of the pole barn. Sheriff MacDonald tosses a vanilla folder on the workbench and takes a step away from the smoke session already too high just after a few hits. Knowing he wouldn’t be capable of driving safely back to headquarters if he continues.

Brandon chuckles knowing that his older brother’s friend is an extremely lightweight for how much the Sheriff weighs. Opening the folder his laughter fades away as he notices something in the file on the man they would be going after. Not letting anyone know what bothers him he slides the folder over to Pig, trading for the joint.

BWP takes the folder and begins scanning for key information that could be useful in the assault on a crack dealer. Being a little overly active Pig picks up the folder off the bench and begins pacing around the barn while catching up on all that the police have on this new dealer to Clare County, Michigan. While scanning and reading through all the paperwork Pig’s facial expressions change rapidly, almost making it seem impossible to read his emotions. Suddenly he speaks out to Sheriff MacDonald.

“What the hell is wrong with you? How in the fuck have you not shut this operation down yet?! These fucking scumbag shit zippers are responsible for over twenty fatal overdoses and three of them teens under seventeen! Fuckidy! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! See I should have never fuckin left; no one can ever be counted on. This is unset.”

Brandon intervenes not wanting his brother to loose control before a mission that could easily go horribly wrong.

“Wait one second man. Don’t be placing the blame on yourself; you needed to disappear for a while. Shit was getting real dangerous in your head; you most likely would have just put more fuel on the fire if you had been here. Try not to feel too guilty. That’s exactly one of the main reasons you had to seek inpatient care anyways.”

Before Pig can respond, Sheriff MacDonald throws his two cents out there.

“Yeah listen to your little brother. If you finish the damn report before getting all hot-headed you’d then understand why the bastard in charge of this particular operation is untouchable by us at the moment. Why the fuck do you think I am in contact with you on the matter? You are my last option, why you’ve been gone; things around here haven’t been so in the shadows, dammit if it wasn’t working. No, the Universe has proven, again and again, you belong here and won’t ever go away.”

Pig raises his knife hand almost cocking it back and locking in on the Sheriff. He just bites his lower lip dropping his knife hand to his side, having kind of an understanding of how the Sheriff feels. Pig then steps up nose to nose with the Sheriff and smiles while stroking his beard. The stroking stops and his mouth opens as words are formed.

“Things may have been going well for you because you didn’t have to feel like such a cuck of a Sheriff but now that I am back. Well the reality is sinking in for you that the people need MEN like me around to keep them safe and secure. You are just the face that keeps them from worrying because if they saw a Sheriff as badass and awesome as myself, they’d know they should worry. With you, who would feel like there is a threat, no one because obviously you couldn’t protect and serve even a donut! Why don’t you just get the fuck out of here and let the real men handle business, Sheriff!”

Pig then turns around huffing and puffing using all his mental strength to not haul off and slay his once childhood best friend.

Brandon walks toward the barn door knowing the Sheriff would obey his brother’s request. Sliding the door open before realizing the Sheriff looks to not be moving. Would Sheriff MacDonald dare defy Bearded War Pig, is all Brandon’s mind can wonder? Quickly before Pig notices Sheriff MacDonald standing his ground Brandon pulls his arm toward the Sheriff’s Bronco.

“Come on Sheriff, our county don’t need this kind of division right now. Just let him cool off, hell he hasn’t even been home long enough to enjoy a decent hunt yet and he missed the majority of the season already. Well, at least the prime. Please don’t be going and pissing him off to the point you are his next conquest. We both know he will fuck you up. Let him shut this operation down, he will be calmer and you two can suck each other off like the old days!”

Brandon gets Sheriff MacDonald to walk away from a fight he would surely lose. Obviously, since Sheriff MacDonald barely survives fights with food. Once the Sheriff is helped up into his Bronco Brandon waves farewell as he slams the barn door behind him. Turning back toward his brother, Brandon kicks a toolbox over and begins to yell at Pig.

“What the hell was that? He very well could have had some insight into this whole ordeal that those papers don’t. Why do you always have to go and act like any and all messes are yours to clean up? Wasn’t that why you left? To get help with not feeling so fucking responsible all the time! Now he isn’t going to be of any use for days, we could have possibly put an end to the dealing today...”

Pig chuckles a little before slamming his palms down hard on the wooden workbench.

“Are you fucking done? Fuck that fat fuck; he is only Sheriff because I want him there, plain and simple. His insight would be nothing more than what kind of donuts to get from select stores. Knowing a select few crack dens that this new guy manages is all we need. Someone in those dens will be willing to talk after some extensive interrogation I guarantee it. Trust me bruh. B-W-P has got this, baby bro.”

Pig places his arm around his brother and begins walking him toward the back of the pole barn where a hidden passage is located. On their way toward the secret passage, Pig cracks jokes and toys around with his brother trying to ease his mind. Knowing that he isn’t in the happiest of moods after his slight outrage of his actions Pig continues the attempt at easing his brother’s anger. Finally, a small smile breaks free from Brandon’s lips as they hidden passage begins to open and the scene fades with two brothers being brothers.

TBC...

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“X-W-fuckin-F! It is your boy B-W-Motherfuckin P, live from outside one lucky fan's double wide and we are about to go kidnap this motherfucker C-I-A black ops style bitches! Hope yall have some time on your hands because this shit is about to get nuckin futs son!”

Bearded War Pig pulls a black ski mask over his face custom with a slit to pull his beautiful facial locks through. In the back of a faux Ice Cream Truck sits the masked BWP and three men wearing black ski masks with ashy white skulls spray painted around the eyes and mouth holes. Bearded War Pig is holding his Boomstick with coyote tan Blackhawk Kevlar knuckled gloves. His three pretend goons each holding a weapon, goon one a baseball bat, goon two smacks a crowbar to his open palm, and goon three is cracking his knuckles before sliding brass knuckles on. Pig chuckles and then opens the rear door set up like a garage door.

Goon one leads the charge out of the truck, followed by goon two, goon three, and finally BWP. Quickly they charge right up the sidewalk, to the drive, and up some old rickety wooden steps to the very small front porch and front door. All four men stack up military style, one man opposite side of the door of the rest. Goon one separate from the rest of the men grabs and twists the doorknob silently with his left hand back to aluminum siding of the trailer. Pig nods and goon two charges in through the doorway after goon one throws the door open. Goon two leads the way holding his crowbar in an aggressive manner for the show of course. Followed by goon three, Bearded War Pig, and goon one.

With the trailer being an open concept the four men clear the living, kitchen, and dining rooms simultaneously within seconds. Pig orders the team to separate, goons one and two taking the north end of the trailer and BWP with goon three taking the south end of the trailer. Heading down the hall Pig and goon three stop for a closed door to the left. Pig places his hand on the doorknob and listens through the door with his ear placed to the particleboard. The sound of moans and swooshing make Pig raise an eyebrow. Pulling his ear back from the cheaply made door his hand begins twisting the doorknob. Motioning with his head to goon three to clear the room, Pig throws the door open.

Goon three charges in like a well-trained soldier would only to be met with a loud screech of shame. You know it, goon three raided a chubby, red-headed, and twenty-six-year-old freckle-faced man beating his dick like it owes him money. Goon three being the professional that he yanks the lucky fan up off the toilet after smashing his laptop into a wall. The fan cries out.

“That was my fucking laptop man. It cost me two weeks pay, what the fuck!”

Goon three shakes the fan a little shutting him up, his cock n longer full on hard, still chub, and dripping with lube. Goon three marches the fan out of the bathroom where Pig shakes his head cuffing his forehead before bellowing out an order.

“Pull his fucking pants up what the fuck is wrong with you dipshit?”

“Sorry boss.”

Goon three pulls the chubby guys shit stained whitey tighties with his sweat-soaked sweatpants from his ankles to right under his chubby beer belly. Goon three loses self-control and smacks the fake kidnap victim’s tummy making his rolls do the wave. BWP can’t help but laugh a little himself before smacking goon three upside the back of the head.

“Sorry boss.”

“Take him out to the truck, make sure to grab the other two fuckers as well. I’ll be right behind you all, make sure the driver is ready to get us the fuck out of here too.”

“Will do boss.”

Goon three begins marching the fan out of sight. Once he rounds the corner, Pig grabs the go pro rigged with wifi from his chest rig and looks into the lens.

“Mike if you are listening you deserve a more worthy friend than Ricardo Grande. See ever since I got back and witnessed how Motherfuckin awesome of a dragon you are, I’ve just well wanted to be friends. It would really be badass to see Mike in the Motherfuckers, I’m sure our government has a device that could turn you human and my boy Mad Dog would hook a brotha up. See I bought a stipulation and was thinking since I am putting my Championship on the line. Maybe Ricardo would put you on the line. Just something to think about Mike. With me, I promise adventures and you wouldn't have to use your imagination to escape the stench of dumpster after dumpster. B-W-Motherfuckin P loves you Mike and will destroy Ricardo for you. You deserve more, you are pure awesomeness covered in badass scales. We'd get into so much fuckery! Think out about it. Until next time.

Oink, Oink Motherfuckers!"

Pig grunts as the scene fades.

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