Coming to you live from the super SATAN! radio network! You're tuned into channel 666 on your AM/FM dial and we've got breaking news being broadcast to you now!

My life is nothing but a dark shadowy corner of the deepest and most secretive recesses of the deep deep deep deep deep deep web internet. I troll like a cowardly douche my entire life because that's who I am and that's what I've always dreamed to be. The biggest on the internet. This dark corner of the internet is like the regular deep web times 666 crazy psycho perverted fucked up mess, things you couldn't imagine in your worst nightmares type of shit, yo.

There's some douche bag dildo dimwit named Lenny who lives in Canada that likes to fuck warthogs that's more of an internet troll attention whore then me, but that's about the only other possible person that might be able to compete, and we certainly need to digress way the fuck away from that subject to much more pressing matters. Like how many times I can suck off Donald Trump in just one hour; and also Hillary Clinton's ultimate evil conspiracy to assassinate me and sacrifice my children and babies to the devil, or Harambae, or whatever the fuck these Harry Potter emo wizard muslim kids are doing these days.

It is here in the Shadow-net, where you can find me preaching daily the hellish plans of Hillary Clinton and her evil counterparts and how to combat them. Their evil plans to kill some fat ginger pig like me so they can finally take over the world was unveiled on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, after I unveiled on my radio talk show that Hillary Clinton FAKED opening a jar of fucking pickles in an episode that took place a few nights prior on Kimmel's program. Who the hell fakes that people. CONSPIRACY THEORY! Kimmel pointed a gun at a jar of pickles and threatened that the New World Order would take my life soon after this incident. Since I have the sense of humor of someone like 15 shows, I'm unfortunately unable to take a joke and so naturally I take this threat super serial seriously of all seriousness!

I hide on the internet, and secretly direct covert conspiracy theory missions away from the rest of the mainstream media. I broadcast what I like to call 'The Liberty of Racist Freedom Propaganda'. Or what the mainstream media has come to call, the 'Alternative-Right' machine. Why is that you ask? Because CNN, the Clinton News Network, has developed a plan to assassinate me. I've been saying it for like almost twenty years now, and it's finally been proven as a fact. Nothing I can really trace logic too; however, she mentioned me in her speech by name directly, and that's enough factual information for me to draw the absolute perfect conclusion that this SATAN! worshiping bitch wants to kill me.

I have been operating for years and broadcasting my radio station under the super top secret alias known as 00-Racist Alex Jones InfoWarrior extraordinaire . Hired by Vladimir Putin to unveil the wickedness of the one and only Hillary Clinton. Russian super spy secret agent man, that be me mother fuckers. Together we will all stop the Witch of the foul wasteland of the Abyssmal shit hole of a united state known as Arkansas. Real men live in Texas and tout guns around in the air everywhere like they were cell phones.

The day my freedom, liberty, and patriotic beating heart died was the day America elected a Muslim president. The evidence is staggering, so we know for a fact that Barack Obama is a muslim. His middle name is Hussein, what more evidence could you possibly need than that? The ultimate evil had finally taken control of the greatest of god's green land's and it was only a matter of time before SATAN! once again ruled the world. Planting his seeds of evil and even conspiring with Hillary Clinton herself for world domination. New World Domination; also code named, Gloominati.

I know it's a lot to sink in and digest at first, but trust in me and trust in the truthfulness of the absolute truth. The truths of all truths! I was called to action, the moment I knew our president was spending his time in the oval office spread out naked on a rug five times a day paying homage to the god of the sand. Mallah! That's why, on today's show we're going to be interviewing two known terrorists and finally get their side of the argument. But most likely I'll just badger the unholy fuck out of them by berating my opinion over the top of theirs. First let's start out today's talk show by bringing up the current presidential election.

Trump, Trump, Trump, the Trumpety Trumpty Trump to Trump. Trumper Trump more to Trump the Trump of all Trump the Trumpety Trump ta loo Trump Trumpie Toote. Trump, Trump, Trump, the Trumpety Trumpty Trump to Trump. Trumper Trump more to Trump the Trump of all Trump the Trumpety Trump ta loo Trump Trumpie Toote...

(3 Hours Later)

...aaaaaaaaaaand Trump!

Now let's get to our first guest on the phone, we welcome straight out of Ireland and member of the longest reigning terrorist organization in the history of mankind. IRA member, MICHAEL MCBRIDE!

Michael Mcbride: "Who the fuck is this calling me at 3:33 in the morning? You better have a good reason."

Alex Jones: "Mr. Mcbride, could you please explain to me why you are a member of a no good America hatin' terrorist group?"

Michael Mcbride: "Fuck you Soldier! I get it, you beat me. You can quit fucking prank calling me and rubbing it in now."

Alex Jones: "No, my name is Alex Jones. I'm here conducting a very important radio talk show interview to help folks understand why you savagely beat women, worship the devil, and rape little children? Could you please explain this to me, you fucking muslim terrorist pedophile piece of trash!"

Michael Mcbride: "Suck my dick, Soldier!"

Alex Jones: "Did he hang up? Call him back repeatedly and pester the hell out of him... Oh, it went straight to voice mail? Shit, I guess he must have turned off his phone. Well, I guess then the only thing left to do is move on to our next guest, also a terrorist, but recently just became one. An enormous figure head in the news today known for bringing political issues into the professional sports arena where people might actually pay attention to these certain topics. Here we have San Francisco 49ers quarterback, Colin Kaepernick!"

Colin Kaepernick: "Hello? Who's there? Why are you calling me from a blocked phone number?"

Alex Jones: "Mr. Kaepernick, it is my understanding that last off season you converted your religious faith to Islam, is this true?"

Colin Kaepernick: "Yes, but why does that matter?"

Alex Jones: "Do you suppose that maybe it is for that reason that you became an anti-American National Anthem kneeling little bitch?"

Colin Kaepernick: "Uh, no pal, I did it to make America realize they have a corrupt police system that profile's African Americans as criminals..."

Alex Jones: "Yeah right, like I'm supposed to believe that coming from the guy who looks just like that character Jafar in the movie Aladdin."

Colin Kaepernick: "Hey, are you not that racist fat hillbilly radio talk show host that lives in Texas?"

Alex Jones: "Well, that's all the time we have for Mr. Kaepernick, the National Anthem kneeling terrorist, let us move on to our third and final guest. Let's get him on the phone now. Ladies and gentlemen I bring to you. The man responsible for censoring youtube and making it so you can't monetize off videos with 'sketchy' and over the top material. 15 Shows!"

15 shows: "Holy shit it's dark in this broom closet. Thankfully, I saw the lights blinking on this cell phone and now you can help me get out of here!"

Alex Jones: "Why you gotta act like your the internet adults and taking away my freedom of scat speech mother fucker! I will not be censored do you hear me! I am the voice of the people... DO YOU HEAR ME! LIBERTY! ! LIBERTY!"

15 shows: "No seriously, I think I hear someone coming. You gotta help me Mr....."

Alex Jones"Unfortunately that's all the time we have for today. Good luck with that anaconda in the broom closet my friend. And remember folks, it's not just a conspiracy...

JFK was murdered by space alien reptilian people...

Saudi Arabia is to blame for 9/11....

Every democrat to ever exist in the history of ever is and/or working for the Gloominati....

Hillary Clinton is a witch....

but most importantly folks, we know that

SATAN! is real!"


Hovering over a boiling cauldron of aborted baby fetuses, stirring it menacingly and slow like, obviously enjoying the cooking process more than they should, is a long pointy nose. Disguising the face behind this crooked nose is a hooded figure. When this masked figure turns to face the oncoming view it is apparent that it is none other than our democratic nominee for president of the United States Mrs. Hillary Clinton. We should have guessed that witch twisted nose from anywhere! The future president, all decked out and wearing her typical green pants suit, now stares up at a giant crystal ball burning in a pit of fire, not far from the cauldron where she was churning and mashing dead fetuses in as if they were butter.

The opposite side this mammoth crystal masterpiece, our demonic do badder himself, Unknown Soldier. They stand at least 500 feet opposite the other on the complete other side of the crystal glowing ball. Both staring up into this ball listening to Alex Jones finish his broadcast that was being amplified through the magic hovering crystal ball from speakers somewhere inside them. Neither of them look too thrilled at what they are hearing and as he finishes his racist rant speech, Hillary Clinton can take no more and slams her fist on the edge of the cauldron.

Hillary Clinton: "How could he have known I faked the pickle jar stunt! What the fuck is going on, Soldier! This fat inbred trailer trash scum thinks he can get away with this! We need to assassinate this problem immediately. The world must never know of our dark secret and evil plans of the wicked one to rule the world through Geopolitical politics! We mus...."

Clenching at her chest mid sentence it appears that she may be having some sort of health problem episode. This one could be serious as she has been having SERIOUS medical problems for months now! Quite possibly a heart attack mixed with a seizure mixed with a stroke and then all wrapped up into one. Still clinching at her chest and flailing around on the floor like a dead fish, Soldier reacts in the only way he knows how too.

Unknown Soldier: "We need a doctor. Quick, please my dark lord and master of all that is evil, SATAN! help us!"

From out of the sky a beam of light produces miraculously like some kind of lightening bolt strike and produces... none other Unknown Soldier's tag team partner Doctor Louis D'ville. A doctor, just what we needed!

Doctor D'ville: "Where the hell am I?"

Unknown Soldier: "You're here."

Doctor D'ville: "Where's here?"

Unknown Soldier: "You know, HERE"

Doctor D'ville: "Ok, well, how did I suddenly just get to appear here?"

Unknown Soldier: "Oh, that's just SATAN! warp, you'll get used to that."

Doctor D'ville: "Oh, you mean kind of like on Star Trek. Sort of like saying... Hey, beam me up SATAN!"

Unknown Soldier: "Whoa, shit bro, that's a good one. You should say that every time you come through the warp now. But no time for chat, we've got to save Hillary's life! Hurry doctor she's fucking about to die for SATAN! sake!"

Doctor D'ville: "I'm not really sure if I can make a correct diagnosis, she seems to be displaying the symptoms of every single medical problem that has ever existed all at the same time."

Unknown Soldier: "Do you think maybe I should give her some crystal methamphetamine or have sex with her, that always seemed to make her feel better in the past."

Doctor D'ville: "No, I don't think that's maybe such a good idea."

Unknown Soldier: "You think maybe you should have sex with her?"

Doctor D'ville: "Isn't she your girlfriend?"

Unknown Soldier: "We're going to be sharing a lot of things as tag team partners now Doc, don't be shy...."

At that moment Hillary Clinton comes to and rises to her feet, then proceeds wiping a large puddle of saliva off the edge of her lip. She reaches into the cauldron and pulls out a dead fetus, swallows it whole, then steadies herself back on her feet and looks at both Doc and Soldier with a very satisfied looking smirk on her face.

Hillary Clinton: "I can't die, I'm a fucking witch after all.... Right Alex Jones?"

After she utters the name of her rival and undercover Russian top secret agent super spy, both she and her evil counterparts Soldier and Doc close back in on the crystal ball, which is now revealing inside the giant evil crystal masterpiece hovering over a giant river of lava and fire, a picture of Alex Jones face with a pentagram drawn in thick red blood tattooed over his face. The scene fades out of their legion of doom type fortress, as all three of them stare menacingly at the image of Jones while laughing extremely sadistically at the same time...

SADISTICALLY

AS

FUCK!