I'm new to e-fedding, and would really appreciate some feedback on my work.

Link: http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=550

It's a good start because you have already created a unique character that immediately draws attention to a reader and interests them. The little bit of 'over the top' craziness that your character has is a great attention point for a reader, so I think you should give us more details on how or why he acts the way he does?

Stories of his past?

or...

Interactions with other characters you create within your stories to help define these characteristics...

Make sure that you re-read your work before you post it and that what you read is both entertaining and flows correctly.

Imagine when you read that every comma you come across is a (pause) or place you would take a breath before you start to read again. Read the sentence as a whole and make sure that what it says makes sense and is worded properly.

I think it would help your piece flow together more if you removed a few commas and double checked how you formed each sentence so that they mesh well.

My advice to you would be read as much as possible. Newspapers, books, but most of all... Read all the other role plays from everyone else. Also, keep writing role plays and matches and segments and get involved as much as possible. Get in the habit of just letting whatever idea comes to mind and develop it on paper. When I first started e fedding, I was infatuated with the writer's who were on top of the game and read every single piece I could, especially the top talents. It will help you develop ideas from what to do and say with your character in the process as well as give you a basic idea of how to improve. The more you read and write the better you will eventually get.

Neil, I PMed you... But I also second Wallace's advice here...

Thank you both, your advice is really helpful.