Previously…
Damian, the Vampire Council’s leader, delivered a proposal to XWF Union Co-President ‘Micheal Graves’...
Surrender XWF’s frequently-dead-and-resurrected Richard Powers to the Council…
To breed new Vampires by drawing the necromantic magics from Powers’ body!
In exchange, the Council would ensure success for ‘Graves’’s pro-labor movement.
’Graves’ weighed his dream against Powers’s life…
Powers opposed ‘Graves’, but was under Union protection.
Responding to the proposal…
‘Graves’ delivered a middle-finger to Damian’s face.
”...So… the bargain?”
”...Ohhhhhh. Not clear enough for ya?”
BOOM! Second middle-finger.
…
”Is this a… mortal gesture?”
”...Yeah.” ‘Graves’ coughs, miming re-holstering his fingers.
”It means ‘fuck yourself’.”
”And a healthy evening of self-pleasure to you too. Now, my proposal…”
”...Ir-dawg!” …’Graves’ turns to
his Flynn’s #1 fan.
”Cómo se dice ‘eat shit’ in Vampire?”
”...Oh!” Irwin raises two fingers, palm inward.
”Perhaps the European middle-finger?”
…’Graves’ mimics Irwin’s gesture.
”Dame, what’s that to ya?”
”...Two?”
”...Darn…”
”What-to-do…” ‘Graves’ swipes his thumb against the Dark Warrior mask’s mouth…
”GASP! Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?”
”...What? I’m bitin’ my thumb, thinkin’...”
”Do you quarrel, sir?” Damian retrieves a glove from his waistcoast…
”YES! We’re QUARRELING!” Flynn grins, relieved.
”Finally, we’re on the same pa-”
WHAP! Dame’s glove slaps ‘Graves’’s cheek!
”...Ohhhhh…” ‘Graves’ sniffs.
”I’m *actually* gonna murder you.”
”Reconsider, Graves. As I told your co-President Flynn, I’m beyond your mortal thinking capacity. Opposing me? Means your mortal movement’s demise.”
…’Graves’ snorts.
”Listen, prick. I’ve spent my CAREER out-planning EVERY OPPONENT I’VE HAD!”
”You’re not my richest adversary. Not the first immortal one. You’re just the NEXT one.”
“I guaran-GODDAMN-tee you, I'm your match in meticulousness!”
“There’s not ONE detail I’d ever forget!”
“EVER!”
‘Graves’, Irwin, and NorthKoreanWarBaby, (worn by ‘Graves’ in a papoose) exit
Flynn’s ‘Graves’’s Damian’s storage unit, holding boxes.
”...Didja forget Damian bought your unit so he could ent-”
”YES, I FORGOT, THANKS IRWIN.”
Hotel conference room.
”Alright!” ‘Graves’ paces!
“Those vamps want Richie Used-to-be-Rich. But, the Union ain’t leavin’ any member unprotected!”
Seated between Gravy’s students, Miss Furry and Peter Parkor, Irwin raises his hand.
”Irmano?”
”Doesn’t XWF already have security? Tommy Gunn can keep Powers secure, right?”
…
”HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” ‘Graves’ and Irwin cackle together.
”...I don’t get it…” Furry mews...
”ENOUGH JOKES!” ‘Graves’ approaches a dry-erase board.
”Obviously, only WE can stop those bloodsuckers from sucking Powers!”
”Plan’s simple…”
“Us four versus all them.”
“Brilliant! Those vampires will regret coming (cat)calling!”
Irwin… dry-swallows.
”Mister Fl-...‘Graves’... Is this the best plan?”
”Don’t question Master Graves, Honorary-Student Irwin! Obviously, his plan’s purrrrrrfection!”
”The plan’s shit… now.”
”...As I said, Master’s plan will *soon* be flawless!”
”Currently, the flaws are…”
‘Graves’ flicks Furry’s muffintop.
”One...”
‘Graves’ waves in Parkor’s face.
…He’s unconscious.
”Two…”
‘Graves’ taps Irwin’s flat bicep.
”Three.”
”…Hurtful, but yes.”
”Wanna protect the XWF from vampires? We gotta be in PEAK PHYSICAL CONDITION!”
Furry’s hand raises!
”Yes, Catlady?”
”Let’s purrrrrrrchase a #VilaroFit subscription!”
”...#VilaroFit?”
”The ultimate fitness service, Master! Millions of subscribers nationwide!”
”FEH! Commercialized TRIPE! #VilaroFit is a parasite… A VAMPIRE! Sucking subscription fees from worker’s pockets! An app DESIGNED to keep you out-of-shape FOREVER!!”
”Fitness was once FREE! Pushups, situps, running! Untainted by commercial enterprise, untouched by FAT-CATS!”
”…That term’s offensive to me...”
”Then, corporations tricked us into thinking fitness required SPENDING! Home-gym equipment! Wearable fitness-trackers!”
”Ohhhh, I’m getting into fitness! I gained ten pounds, but I spent TWELVE-HUNDRED DOLLARS!”
”Now? We’ve reached new lows of capitalistic depravity! Yoga-pants-wearing MORONS sit in multi-million-dollar studio/gyms… Telling you to do pushups and situps…”
“THINGS YOU COULD DO WITHOUT PAYING A DIME.”
”Marisol Vilaro’s a billionaire’s daughter, shamelessly spinning nationwide obesity into her fatted calf!”
…
”No. We WON’T use ‘#VilaroFit’.”
”We’ll use MY exercise program.”
”Wonderful!”
”Designed by Mark Flynn.”
”...Boooooo.”
”Out-of-shape?”
“Tried everything else?!?”
”Need an exercise system you CAN’T quit?!?”
Flynn approaches a table, where a sheet covers something…
”I’m Mark Flynn!”
”And I’m GIVING AWAY the SECRET that’s made me the SHARPEST and FITTEST I’ve been in my MULT-DECADE wrestling career!”
Flynn reveals…
NorthKoreanWarBaby in a bouncer!
”This is my son!”
”And this… is #DadFitness!”
”#DadFitness! The ultimate regimen!”
”Your child will FORCE YOU into top physical shape! With exercises like…”
”Uppies!” Flynn gently bicep-curls a swaddled, smiling NKWB.
”Bouncing!” Flynn does knee-lifts whilst holding NKWB!
”#DadFitness isn’t just strength! It’s also...
"Physical dexterity!”
Irwin wields a stopwatch…
Flynn holds a fresh diaper… NKWB lies before him.
”BEGIN!”
Nigh-instantly, Flynn swipes NKWB’s diaper, wipes the boy spotless, applies petroleum, replaces the diaper…
CLICK!
”SIX SECONDS!”
”Mental dexterity!”
”WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Miss Furry squirms as NKWB sobs!
”...How’s this wrestling training…?”
”In wrestling, your opponent won’t TELL you his weaknesses! Ya gotta read his body language!”
Flynn points!
”This infant’s your opponent! He CAN’T tell you his needs! READ HIM!”
Furry scans the table’s contents.
Pacifiers, rattles, bottles…
Furry eyes NKWB…
He’s chewing his left hand!
”He’s hungry!”
Furry grabs the bot-
WAP! NKWB kicks the bottle away!
”Tsk-tsk!” Flynn chooses the pacifier…
NKWB’s pacified!
”Timing!”
Flynn holds a metronome!
”Don’t miss a beat! If you don’t rock him in four-four time, he’ll awaken!”
Parkor’s unconscious in a rocking-chair, NKWB’s peacefully napping on his lap.
”PERFECT!”
”Best part about #DadFitness?”
“No purchase necessary!”
”In nine months, your exercise tool arrives, FREE-OF-CHARGE*!”
NKWB sits on a spinning platform, chewing his right hand.
”Does your workout equipment GROW? As you get stronger, he gets bigger! Pushing you harder!”
Furry creeps forward, extending NKWB’s pacifier…
WHAP! NKWB bats it away!
Flynn slides a bottle to NKWB’s lips!
He feeds happily!
”You can ignore a #VilaroFitness video for-EVER!”
”It’s LITERALLY ILLEGAL to neglect your baby!”
”Our system doesn’t rely on gratuitous nudity to move product!”
Cut to Vilaro cutting a
promo, naked in her bathtub.
”Talk about ‘fatherless’ behavior!”
Furry stands before NKWB…
”WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
”HE’S TELLING YOU EVERYTHING! READ HIM! ”
Furry inhales…
…NKWB’s belly shakes!
”That’s it!”
Furry’s hands…
Pats NKWB’s back!
”*Buuuuuuuuuuuurp*”
…NKWB smiles.
Flynn pats Furry’s shoulder.
”Full of hot air! Just like Vilaro!”
”#DadFitness! The People’s Exercise System!”
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