Enter Misty Waters and Madison Dyson, the XWF’s newest uber-team collectively known as the MAGA POWERS. The scene is set in what looks like a very contemporary corporate break room. And it would be aside from the fact that it’s housed in Misty’s top secret think tank that contains the AI creating SEERS machine. Misty is tipped back in a folding chair, feet propped up on a cheap particle board table. Madison is removing a steaming mug from a Keurig and topping it off with an ample pour from a bottle of Jim Beam.

“Look, all I’m saying is that Razor Blade is every bit the prototypical American icon. Blond hair, blue eyes…” Misty starts. “If it weren’t for the whole autism thing thanks to this country’s insipid liberal preoccupation with vaccines, he’d be the perfect standard bearer for the American Madness movement.”

Madison mulls it over. “That’s a whole lot of words just to say that you wanna fuck a person.”

Misty shoots Madison the bird causing Madison to “snrk” up her liquored coffee. Once recovered, Madison continues. “I just think it’s a colossal waste to create an AI of Razor Blade. I mean, if you wanted to waste resources on somebody useless why not just pick the hawk tua girl or Vincent Lane?”

“Maddy, I would have thought you of all people would understand the importance of patriotic…” Misty starts, but is suddenly cut off by a jarring clanging sound. Misty hops to her feet as Madison winces.

“What the fuck?!”

Misty grabs a nearby radio. “It’s the alarm!” Then, into the radio. “Somebody tell me what the hell is going on!”

Before long, a frantic voice can be heard over the radio. “Ms. Waters! Come quick he’s…he’s killing us all! He’s….OH MY GOD! AGHHHHHH!”

“Ah shit! Come on, Maddy!”

Madison, looking confused, follows her partner into the hallway regardless. They pass through a series of corridors before finally arriving at the SEERS device itself. And, upon entering the room, Maddy and Misty find themselves in the midst of a bloodbath.

Well fuck, all those engineers i just cloned…

Bodies are strewed about, carbon AI copies of Misty’s original three think tank engineers, and arterial spray is coating the walls and the SEERS machine itself. Madison’s jaw drops, but Misty looks nonplussed. And at the center of all this carnage?

Razor Blade.

The Razor AI is breathing deep from exertion. He too is covered with blood, and bears a feral gleam in his eyes that soon settles on our intrepid duo. “Where am I?!”

Madison, ignoring the query, replies, “YOU did all this?”

Misty steps to the fore, hands splayed out placatingly. “Eaaaasy. You’re safe.”

“But what am I doing here? Why are you two here?”

Misty sighs. “Okay, this is gonna be a lot. But here goes. You’re an AI duplicate of the real life Razor Blade that I created with that machine behind you.”

Razor cants his head in…confusion? It’s honestly hard to tell. In fact, his entire expression is miles beyond the usual dumb vacant look we’re privy to.

Madison, still looking incredulous, cuts in. “I’m still struggling with the fact that you opened up all this whoop ass, even if they are just a bunch of geek clones. The real Razor Blade can’t find his ass with both hands and Latoya’s help.”

“You DO seem strangely competent. What gives?” Misty asks, eyes narrowed.

The Razor AI looks at both women in turn, expression becoming that of a cornered rat. “I…I’m not at liberty to say…”

“Bullshit! He’s still just the same old Razor! SUCK ASS!” With that, Madison hurls her coffee mug right at Razors’ head! But, in a show of extreme deftness, he catches the mug right before it impacts his face, and all in one smooth motion sends it careening right back at Madison’s forehead. It impacts off her head with a comedically loud PLONK sound and sends her skittering on her ass.

“OW FUCK!”

Misty holds up a hand in front of her mouth to conceal her laughter.

Madison rubs the rapidly forming bruise square in the middle of her forehead and clambers up to her feet. Then, stabbing a finger at Razor AI, she proclaims. “That was a lucky shot you spastic! Now deal with the full force of my fury!” Madison then charges straight at Razor, drawing back a fist to clock him in the mouth. What follows next happens almost too fast for the human eye to clock it. Suffice it to say Madison is again on her ass and Razor is untouched.

Misty jaw drops and her eyes widen in surprise. “Okay, okay! That’s enough! Maddy stand down while what’s left of your dignity is still intact.”

Madison rolls over onto her butt, bitching in pain, but says nothing further, preferring to glower at Razors instead.

Misty walks closer to the AI now, observing him with a keen interest. “Yeah….this aint nothing like what I was expecting. What’s going on here?”

The Razor AI, still with the mein of a trapped animal, scans the room.

“Don’t bother trying to escape. You won’t make it far before the defense network cuts you down.”

“You’re bluffing.”

“Am I?” Misty quirks an eyebrow. “Now we don’t need all that violence. We’re just having ourselves a chat, ain’t we?”

The Razor AI again eyeballs these two devious ladies before sighing and casting his gaze downwards.

“I suppose I don’t have a choice then…”

“A choice about what? A choice about what?!” Madison squawks.

“The truth.” The word hangs in the air cryptically. Ominously. Misty now eyes the AI like a scientist looking at a very promising specimen. Which is, uh, exactly what he is.

“Do tell.”

The AI looks up now. “The truth is, I’m not even human. I’m an alien from an advanced civilization hailing from a planet near the supergiant star Betelgeuse.”

“Ooooh, timely. There’s a new movie coming out.”

“Maddy, hush!”

Looking undeterred by the ladies' exchange, the AI plunges ahead. “We’ve tasked ourselves with studying other worlds for centuries, and your world has always been of particular interest.”

“Because we’re awesome?”

“Because you’re barbaric, warlike, and smell of cheese, actually. At any rate, we are very interested in Earth. And despite your propensity for violence we have not yet seen fit to come to your planet,....until now. Until it seemed like your DEMOCRATS would rise to power yet again!”

Misty cuts in. “The Democrats do suck, but that doesn’t explain why you’re so…not you.”

“No, it doesn’t.” The AI agrees. “But this will. To combat your DEMOCRATS and their inane policies, we needed warriors. Mighty ones! But ironically despite our vast technical knowhow, we were not fighters. But, a technology was developed, a chip implanted in our brains that would allow us to learn from and copy the greatest warriors known to man. The only downside? That’s for it to work, we need to get our asses kicked. Like….a LOT.”

Madison, wearing an incredulous smirk, steps to the fore. “So what you’re saying is that the reason you lose all your matches is because that’s the only way you can collect some sort of fight data and become like Universal Soldiers or some shit?”

“Essentially yes.”

“Then why do you sound smart?”

“My idiotic and clownish personality is merely a ruse to throw all of you off guard and undervalue me so that no one suspects my plot”

“Latoya too?”

“No, actually she is a real imbecile. We can’t all be geniuses.”

“Oh.”

Slight break in the action… Now enjoy the refined melodies of Creed, the way that I already know that you do, you absolute alpha, you.

Okay, so it may surprise some of you to learn that I’m a conservative. And as a conservative, we have certain feelings about “facts”. Namely, we don’t feel that what’s “fact” is something conveyed by an expert, or in some hoity toity scientific journal, or even something experienced by our five senses. No! FACT is experienced in the guuuuuuut! It’s what we BELIEVE to be true that MAKES it true. Get it?

So, long story short, I chose to disbelieve everything the Razor AI said, because it just feels truthier in my gut that Razor Blade and Latoya Hixx suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. So that’s the premise I will choose to operate from.

But, by the same token, how many different ways can we really say that these two blow ass? It’s been said over and over and over. And because they’re dumb enough to KEEP TAKING BOOKINGS while remaining unassailably SHITTY we’re surely going to hear still more promos about how terrible they are ad nauseum.

And if there’s one thing Madison Dyson doesn’t do, it’s run with the pack. So instead I’m going to spend this time asking the BIGGER question. Namely, why did Misty and I get stuck fighting the (not even good enough to be) enhancement talent while ol’ Seabass Bryce and “Lord Bitch Queen of All Twitter” Corey Black get to challenge for the tag team titles?

Well I’ll tell ya why. Number one, Thad Duke hates me because his butt buddy Corey Smith hates me. So there’s no way I’m ever gonna get a square deal on Warfare, hence why I’ve been spending most of my time on Anarchy.

Number two, and it really is NUMBER TWO, is that giving Black and Bryce this tag team title shot is a way to appease them. To keep them happy! Check it, they BOTH just lost their singles championships. Corey to ya girl Misty, and Bryce to cuck supreme Ned Kaye. And, being from the side of the tracks that they are, this assuredly made them both into BIG PISSY BABIES. So Thaddy is trying to keep them happy, to keep them in the XWF. And let’s not even get started on any preexisting relationships Thad probably had with these fucking ladyboys. Given how the “worldy” Thad Duke has whored his brand out to almost as many promotions as the odious Chris Page, I’m sure he has quite the history with them both.

So, if you’re looking for the answer to the question “Why is the hottest up and coming team in the XWF NOT getting a tag title shot?” Well, there ya have it. But this can be rectified!

Thad, are you listening?

You and I both know the tag title scene in the XWF is a very, very small pool. I mean, what, we have Hixx and Blade, who are worthless. We have the tag champions, one of whom has been AWOL. We have Bryce and Black. And you have us, Misty and Maddy. There’s NO ONE ELSE. We shamed the Schoolyard Bullies right out of the XWF. The Bastards are jerking themselves off God knows where. THIS IS IT.

Pretty soon, you’re going to have no choice but to give us a tag title shot. And you can! You can rectify this gross error on the very first Warfare after Relentless. Why not at Relentless? Well duh, us ladies both have our hard won singles championships to defend. But after? Heh. The writings on the wall.

And Razor, even if you ARE an actual alien, I’m betting you’re just like those aliens from Signs that were allergic to water or what the fuck ever. “Yeah, sweet, this planet is two-thirds the substance that kills us. Sounds like a solid plan to go there.” That’s classic Razor right there.

Anyway fuckwads, we’ll see you on Warfare, as the next stepping stone to those tag team championships.

Misty turns into focus, wacked out of her mind per the usual, her hands gripping the air, her teeth gritting, lips riding up toward her ear, like she’s just snorted the girthiest rail of cocaine known to man,

oooooooh yeeeeeaaaah.


See the problem is, the XWF doesn’t know how to build their own!

Yeah!

The clean cut, pure blooded XWFers are forgotten, oh yeah, sacrificed in the name of insider politics to see these illegal alien-type wrestlers penciled into the top billing. They’re smuggled into this federation, taking the jobs and meaning away from those who’ve worked so hard to build this great industry. And for what? To improve Thad Duke’s stock portfolio by a quarter point? Trying to sell a woke brand of professional wrestling that no one asked for, all the while, people like the MAGA Powers are forced to keep the middle of the card alive?

It ain’t just a shame, IT’S A CRIME! 

Case in point: The American Storm. Yeeeah.

Here we have a pair of true XWF stalwarts.

The type of competitors that wrestling is built on… People who show up, lace up their boots every night and approach the business in good faith, and what are they rewarded?

Beat down, after beat down, after beat down.

They are being booked to be beaten down when these are the types of people the XWF should be desperately trying to build up!

Doesn’t the XWF remember how dogshit people like Thunder Knuckles and Ned Kaye were upon arrival? Equally as unintelligible and unexciting as the American Storm, yet even those two weren’t treated as cannon fodder. They were both paired with better talent, in Ned’s case, multiple times over, until they finally found their way.

But the times are different now, yeah, the XWF ain’t interested in building up their roster, just appeasing a bunch of crybaby primadonnas who will only hang around so long as their names are glowing in neon at the top of the card. We have for instance Isaiah King, who’s only interesting attribute are his stomach muscles, a man who vanishes for months and immediately thinks he can stake a claim to his own tag team partner’s Universal Championship.

My oh my, these bloodsucking vermin ain’t even trying to hide it anymore. What’s next for King? A match against Thad’s personal bodyguard, Cyrus Braddock? A man who is 0-100 in his pro wrestling career- a confidence booster for a man who runs off into hiding everytime the Universal Championship isn’t within his reach.

Ain’t that what Cyrus is here for? Easy wins to appease people who won’t do the hard work in the first place? Like Thad’s boycrush, SEB and his estranged wife Sahara? It’s all a little too coincidental if you ask Misty Waters.

These people are doing everything they can to destroy professional wrestling, and if they have their way, there won’t be an XWF anymore. This once great federation will just turn into a Twitter echo chamber for shirtless gifs and bad poetry, while the people who built these “stars” are pushed to the nearest exit.

This coming Warfare, it’s more of the same. The American Storm, like the name of some generic firework, are being stuffed down into a cannon and aimed at their certain demise. While they deserve dance partners more at the talent level of Sahara Duke and Cyrus Braddock, they’re thrown against The MAGA Powers, Waters and Dyson, just to keep us out of the tag title picture.

Because make no mistake!

The XWF doesn’t want us to have these singles championships that we’re wearing in the first place. Per the accounting of fake news statisticians and prognosticators like ELO, Misty Waters and Madison Dyson shouldn’t be dawning gold around our waists. Yet here we are, being asked not only to take a backseat to people who already blew their opportunities in Pantheon, but being asked to put an end to The American Storm. A tag team that the XWF FAILED.

We didn’t ask for this Razor Blade, we didn’t ask for this Latoya… outside of the additional chromosomes you have, we’re not much different. We’re fiercely loyal, and we bleed that red, white and blue. But I will say, I do believe my SEERS machine made a mistake in synthesizing your artificial intelligence. Because to this point, Razor, you haven’t faced any talent in the XWF worth siphoning off- at least not until now.

The MAGA Powers ain’t walking into Warfare pounding our chests, gloating about how outmatched you two are. No. Let the idiots in XWF who are starved for that low hanging fruit have it… the SEBS, the Kings, the Dukes. The MAGA Powers know the difference between where we are booked and where we SHOULD be booked, and we’ll keep putting that unfaceable reality on display.

Later

There’s a horrible growl, and moan emanating from AI Razor’s throat as his body violently contorts.

“What the fuck is happening now?”

His stomach wobbles and turns as what appears to be dozens of faces from inside of AI Razor can be seen pushing up against his flesh from the inside out. Sort of like the souls of all the kids Freddy Kruger murdered.

Misty presses her palm into her forehead, letting out an annoyed sigh,

I don’t know… this was all a waste of time

“EXACTLY! Am I really supposed to believe that THESE idiots-” Madison stands next to AI Razor whos still convulsing, and leans over flicking the ear on one of the faces pushing out of Razor’s stomach, a face that bears a striking resemblance to Ned Kaye, “-are somehow making Razor Blade stronger?”

Yer right. This entire thing is a failure.

“What do we do with him now?”

The same thing the XWF wants us to do with the real Razor Blade… Misty produces her gloc, and slides a round into the chamber before placing the barrel against AI Razor’s temple, ... we put him out of his misery. Madison’s eyes go wide,

“Fuck let me get out of the way before -”

BANG

THUD

Blood flings on the side of Madison’s face as she’s frozen in a state of grimace, her slow blinking eyes the only part of her that’s moving as the AI Razor’s lifeless body thumps on the floor.

“- his blood… is in my fucking mouth.”

It’s cool, he’s clean. Because despite being utterly fucked this Warfare, the guy is clearly a virgin.

2x KWA Unified Southern Glory Champion
6x KWA Middleweight Champion
4x KWA Tag Team Champion
1x XWF XTreme Champion


-Dumb Dolly records that no one cares about-

3x XTreme Champion
2x Tag Team Champion (w/ Vita Valenteen, w/ Charlie Nickles)
2x Hart Champion
3x Television Champion

3x Star Of The Month
August ‘21, May ‘17, October ‘16

3x RP Of The Month
What light through sonder... my perception breaks.
Tranquility: For Old Times Sake
Manifest Victory