Making my way through the ground floor lobby of the tower in Manhattan that housed my attorney and his law firm, I began wondering where it all went wrong.  No, Lauren and I were never the perfect couple.  My mistakes are well documented and she likes to point the finger at Dolly, but that’s not it.  That couldn’t possibly be the real reason that she so suddenly loves to blindside me and hurt me.  If it were, she’d have left during any one of my countless affairs that actually happened, and not the one she made up inside her own head.

When I reached the elevator, I started thinking back.  Not back to Lauren and her blindside assaults like leaving abruptly while I was out, or serving me with divorce papers while I was trying to let it all go for a few days.  But back to this morning when Frankie found the divorce lawsuit inside my desk.

That night in the desert when I received them, I’d laid out on a blanket staring at the stars and talking to Lucy Wylde nearly until dawn.  It hurt.  I don’t deny it.  Nor would I.  Despite what she tells herself, I loved her.  Genuinely.  Since the day she left, until I was served, I’d remained hopeful that she’d regret her decision.  Not because I’m some big prize, but because I hoped she’d remember all the things we’d been through together.  That she’d remember the love we shared, the loss of Gracie that we endured, the son we shared together that had neither of our blood running through his veins.  As I talked with Lucy that night, I cried.  Maybe some for myself, but mostly for him.  No matter what people think of me, whether they love me or hate me or fall somewhere in the middle… Frankie is innocent.  He did not deserve to be abandoned by the woman he chose to be his legally adoptive mother.

That’s a huge thing!  That kid has been through absolute hell in his not quite 14 years and it’s not easy for him to let his guard down.  He lost his birth mother to murder, his birth father to bad luck, once was taken away from the only place he felt comfortable by a judge with an agenda, his plane was hijacked, his house was attacked by people that wanted me dead, he was kidnapped by a barely talented wrestler and betrayed by someone he considered a friend.  Choosing her was a big decision.  Choosing her was the biggest decision he quite possibly will ever make in his entire lifetime.  When you’ve been through all the things he’s been through, something as serious and intimate on an emotional level as choosing someone you love to be your mother as a then-11 year old boy only for her to not only turn around and abandon you while you were away, but not even have the decency to leave him a note, or shoot him a text or drop a phone call?  He trusted her.  With his heart, with his emotions… and she willingly broke him.

Early this morning I sat alone like I normally do, sipping coffee out on the balcony and scrolling through the news feed on my phone.  Typically, Frankie and the twins sleep well past 8, but I guess today was never going to be typical.  As I sipped and scrolled, I caught something out of the corner of my eye.  Turning my head to look, I saw Frankie.  His eyes were red and swollen as quiet tears rolled down his cheeks.

”This real?” he asked.

For a moment, I couldn’t answer him.  Part of me was in denial.  I had the papers now for over a week.  I never told him and I instantly felt guilty for that.  What little part of me wasn’t in denial, hoped she’d come to her senses.

”She filed for divorce?” his voice cracked under the weight of his own emotion and I could tell he was barely keeping it together.

”Frankie,” I said quietly as I set down my phone and my coffee.  ”Come here.”

It was less of a request and more of a beg.  Since Lauren left, he’d mostly been at odds with me.  He blamed me, but didn’t blame me, but certainly wished he could blame me.  It broke me to watch him breaking with me being unable to stop it.  All I wanted to do was let him hate me if it made him hurt less, but he was too smart for that.  He knew in his heart that this time he couldn’t blame me.

”But why?” he asked as he stepped forward and collapsed like an accordion.

Flinging myself out of my chair, I hit the cement floor pretty quickly to break his fall.  Frankie curled up in the fetal position and his dam broke.  He could no longer contain all that emotion he spent the last month or so trying to bottle up.  He was no longer the tiny 9 year old that he was that first came to live with me.  He was my almost 14 year old son that I love more than anything or anyone else in the world.  The boy I’d put my life on the line for without a second thought.  He was a growing somewhat muscular teenage boy that was fast becoming a man.  Too fast, really.  Yet still, he curled up into the smallest ball he could, and I picked him up off the floor.  He wrapped one arm around my neck and bawled into my chest.  Quickly, I carried him into the family room and sat on the sofa.

”It’s okay to let it out,” I said quietly as I rubbed his head and kissed his cheek.

As if he were a baby, I sat there rocking him back and forth trying to ease his pain.  I’m his father.  I don’t care what brand of masculine toxicity runs rampant in the shallow minds of the perpetually overcompensating wrestling industry.  If you’re not raising your sons to be emotionally available, then you suck as a father and you should try something else because being a dad certainly ain’t it.  They can be both tough and emotional.  These boys won’t be covered in a thin veneer of false bravado that’s easily shattered with something so innocent as honesty.

”Dad,” he said muffled into my chest minutes later after his emotions had calmed.  ”Can you let me go now?”

”Never,” I replied with a chuckle as I held him just a little bit longer.  ”You’re my son, Frankie.  I never want you to hurt.”

”Well you can’t stop that,” he replied.  ”No one can.”

”That’s right, so instead, I’ll keep you right here until you’re 18.  Then I can’t force you to love me because there’s laws.”

”Shut up,” he laughed as he forced himself away from me.  ”Can I have some coffee?”

”How much shorter you tryna get?” I joked.

”That’s a myth,” he smiled.

He has a wonderful smile and GOD did I miss it.

”Fine but if you stay five foot nothin’ the rest of your life don’t blame me,” I continued to joke as he made his way into the kitchen.

SLAM!

CLINK!!

poooooouuuurrrrr

”I’ll have you know that I’m five foot one and a half, thank you very much,” he finally retorted before taking a sip.  His face crinkled immediately.  ”This is fuckin’ nasty, what the hell!?”

”It’s an acquired taste and watch your mouth please,” I replied.

”Stop bullying me about my height,” he said as he sat on the couch beside me.

”What height?” I joked.

”You could counter sue right?” he asked, returning our conversation to his dearly departed mother.

”Huh?”

”She sued for divorce,” he began.  ”You could contest the divorce and introduce a counter suit.”

”On what grounds, smart guy?” I asked.

Frankie raised to his knees and pulled my hair to bring my head closer to him.  With a finger, he traced a scar I have on the top and back of my head.

”Also, please shower.”

”This here,” he said as he let go of my hair.  ”Domestic violence.  Pain and suffering.”

”I forgot about that,” I said quietly.

”Probably because you’re a numbskull and she broke a lamp over your head,” he quipped.

”Why do you want me to sue her, Frankie?” I asked.  ”She left with nothing.  She took nothing.  She has nothing.”

”Yes she does,” Frankie said.  Then the boy put his left hand on his bare chest over his heart and his right over mine.

”Frankie…” I began, but no words followed as I started to choke up again.  Little shit.

”I got you too, Dad,” he said quietly.

”I wish I was your dad since you were born,” I admitted.

”You couldn’t,” he smiled.  ”When I was born you were ten.”

Putting my memories from this morning away, I walked right into a meeting my attorney was having with some of his associates.

”Thad…” Robert Zane said, slightly peeved that I interrupted.

”Everybody out,” I said as I held the glass door open.

Robert stood to greet me as the others filed past.  After the last one had left, Robert straightened up his suit jacket and tried to follow them out.

”Ha!” I laughed as I grabbed him by his collar and yanked him back inside the conference room.  ”Not you.”

”You just said everybody…”

”Let’s sit,” I said as I led him to his own conference table.

”This better be good, man,” Zane said.  ”Everytime you come barging in here I end up having to put a dozen associates on triple overtime and then you don’t pull the trigger.”

”This is different,” I said as I slid him the divorce lawsuit.

”Shit,” Robert mumbled.  ”I told you to get her to sign a prenup!  This could ruin everything!”

”Relax,” I advised him.

”Half of everything Thaddeus!” he continued to panic.  ”There’ll be discovery and you know damn well that what you claim you’re worth is far from the actual number.”

”Robert…”

”There’s still so much you can’t even touch that’s in trust for another 25 years and she could still take half of that!”

”She doesn’t want the money,” I replied.

”What?” he asked incredulously.

”I’m not here because she filed for divorce, I just brought that because you should be prepared,” I told him.

”I mean, do you want the divorce?” he asked the obvious.

”No, but she quite apparently does,” I replied quickly.

”You wouldn’t have thrown everyone out of here if you didn’t have something else in mind,” Zane read me like a book.

”Frankie wants me to contest and counter sue,” I informed my fixer.

”Counter sue?  On what grounds?  And when did you start taking legal advice from a 12 year old?” he asked with his octave level rising once again.

”He’s almost 14 now,” I corrected.  ”And I’m not so much taking legal advice from him, as I am doing what he wants me to do.”

”Why would he want you to sue his mother?”

”Pain.”

I bent forward and parted my hair to reveal the scare.

”And suffering,” I continued.  ”That’s a scar from domestic violence, Robert.  She broke a lamp over my head.”

I pulled the sleeve up on my right shoulder.

”See this?” I traced another scar with my finger.  ”That’s where she shot me.”

”I could see some dollar signs,” Zane said as he finally started to come around to my thinking.  ”So how much do you think she’s worth?”

”Not much really,” I replied which caused an exasperated sigh from Robert.  ”She came in with nothing and left with nothing.  So I figure two and half million should do the trick.”

”So now you’re trust trying to get blood from a rock?”

”It’s retribution.  To cause her pain.  To make hersuffer.”

Robert Zane stared at me blankly for a few seconds.

”Fuck around, find out, right?”

”Remind me to never get on your bad side,” Zane joked.  ”Robert Zane and Associates might become Zane, Duke and Associates.”

”Duke, Zane,” I joked back.

”That’s not funny.”

”It’s not my bad side anyway,” I reminded him.  ”It’s Frankie’s.  And Frankie gets what Frankie wants when someone hurts him.

“I don’t make the rules.”

”You know?  You say that, but you definitely make the rules.”

I stood from the conference table… CLINK CLINK! I tapped my class ring on his glass table twice.

”I better have something in my email about this countersuit by tonight.”

”We’ll get right on it,” Zane said.

”Good,” I replied as I made my exit.

I don’t feel good about it.  Then again, I don’t feel particularly bad about it either.

”And stop watching House of Cards!”