シック・カント



The warm night air of Tokyo greets me as I leave the airport and step into the first cab I see. Throwin' me overnight bag (suitcases are a scam, trust) beside me in the backseat I practice me Japanese to the driver.

"Hotel-u, Cuntaru!"

I know, I've been practising. The cabbie looks at me in the rearview and barks some words I don't understand in between exhales of cigarette smoke. I rub my brow as we're not movin'.

"Ummm... Hotel-u? Erm. Dis-Neee-Land-o!?"

He catches that and nods with an "oh."

TAXI CUNT: "Dizunīrando!"

I give a pleased nod, impressed with myself that I broke down language barriers today.

"Oui, cunt!"

He smiles politely as I relax and tuck in an airpod, looking into the rearview mirror to fix up me mullet. Lookin' sick, Noah!

Woah, mind talk-back! Trippy.

After several minutes of drivin', seeing the sights from the back of a cab, Tokyo looks... A bit shit to be honest. Like, it was fuckin' impressive at first but these slums we're in now are cooked! And everything is so packed in, feel claustrophobic. My brow furrows as I fear the driver misunderstood me. I give him a tap on the shoulder.

"Oi, cunt. You sure this is the way to Disneyland? I got a fuckin' team meeting there and I can't be late."

He smiles enthusiastically and nods.

TAXI CUNT: "Yes, yes! Dizunīrando, Dizunīrando!"

A chuckle comes from him which doesn't send me at ease as he makes a stop at a small entranceway. The driver halts and looks back in the mirror expectantly, I shift my eyes between his gaze and the abandoned neighbourhood this cunt has driven me into.

"Nah, cunt."

He smiles and taps at the metre. With a sigh and not wanting the migraine to fuck me over more, I give up and just toss a few Yen his way which he thanks me for profusely as I step out the taxi and stretch me legs. A sign in front of me says some bullshit but it does have a picture of what could be Mickey Mouse so maybe this is the right place after all? The taxi drives away and I give a wave as he takes off before making my way into the decrepit hellhole.

"HAr-haR! Herro there!"

Jesus FUCK! That scared the shit out of me! A cunt in a ragged rat costume appears from nowhere to greet me.

"It's me! Michael the Rat-o!"

The lopsided mouth of Mickey and torn ears, as well as the stench protruding from this cunt give me an inkling this is not Disneyland.

"Erm. I'm here for the Lacklan party?"

"No speak-a the Engrish! Come!"

... Yeah fuck this.


Okay I need to get a handle on whatever that is too! Michael the Rat here tries to usher me deeper into the alley but I push off his hand.

"Yeah, I'm good, cunt."

I swiftly leave the alley and make way quickly back to the street when it hits me as the music in my airpod disconnects. I left me bag and phone in the cab; with an aggravated groan I run me palms down me face and roar to meself as I look around the road for any signs of life or a place to stay.

Empty.

Fuck me.

As I'm about to give up and find a warm bench to sleep on, a stroke of luck, for once. A small bus drives down the road and I frantically get in the way to get it to stop, it pulls over and thankfully halts. I breathe a sigh of relief as the doors open and I step in; looking down at a bus full of the worst people you could ever meet in your life.

Raion Kido fans.

Gimmicky shirts, fake hair and plushies. The literal worst scum imaginable.

I sneer staring at them; but what other choice do I have? Potentially get raped by a giant rat or spend an hour with Kidophiles?

Easy choice to be fair as I hop out the bus and turn back to the alley strolling in.

"Oi Michael! You got Space Mountain in this cunt?"
[/i]

---

"Kido's a fuckwit."

A crack of a can and a long refreshing sip to dull my nerves before the aneurysm kicks in.

"Here's why."

"The cunt talks about what he's done here compared to what I've done which I knew he would because the incompetent cunt hasn't got an original bone in his body, he's like Wolverine but replace the adamantium skeleton with Saint Seiya fanart and the super-human healing factor with the super-human ability to constantly spew dog shit out ya mouth like you're a sewer system to a kennel that only feeds the dogs leftovers from Taco Bell."

"Kido's done a lot, yes, but does anyone give a shit? Fuck no. If they did then he'd be first pick like I already said, the fact that he was second pick screams that literally no one on God's green Earth gives a fuck about what he's accomplished, the only cunt who does give a fuck is himself because the fucker whacks it more to his achievement page than he did to Buraddo Purinsesu!"

"If people gave a shit then this place would be a buzz with "HOLY SHIT KIDO IS THE NEW UNI CHAMP!" Y'know, like they did the first time you won it or when anyone else won it."

"But now?"

"Crickets, cunt."

"Very disappointing."

"The shit cunt said I lost to King, I did, me head wasn't in it and I fucked up, lost to him, no harm in that and you go on to say I haven't done fuck all... Again, I mentioned it all, again look how hard I tried, look how hard I went after shit like that? Take a look, cunt. And this isn't a slight to King, I did lose, no excuses there but look at how hard I tried in that match and leadin' up to it, tell me I gave 100%. These hiccups ain't shit, I'm all brain fuddled right now, stop judging me ya sloppy bitch. But as for the rest of the shit I've done in this company; I didn't give a fuck because I wanted to do something fun! I wanted to enjoy me job! I wanted to take Ned's cat! I wanted to leave a mark on me own terms. Have a match based solely on gettin' leathered, I wanted to co-host a pay-per-view with me fuckin' trademark word in the title and main event it in a match that hasn't been seen in over 10 years and win the fuckin' tag titles with me dad that I never knew about!"

"Champs get recorded, cunt."

"Cunts like me actually get talked about."

"Cunts like me actually have a fanbase instead of, oh I don't know, fuckin' nothing."

"Cunts like me, get drafted first round into a team with other cunts that have left a mark on the company."

"Cunts like you say "father problems" and think that's good enough to cut me... Cunt, try harder. Like actually be better, NED of all fuckin' people dug deeper than you did. Maybe because that cunt actually tries his ass off instead of just assuming he's gonna win like a prick."

"Cunts like you refuse to admit you lost, nah you say you got cheated when in actual fact you got outsmarted, you let your guard down, you fucked up and you lost. And while you try and sting me with that pathetic excuse you call heat comin' out ya mouth saying I lost to Sid, who was the cunt feelin' bitter havin' to share the glory for once in ya miserable life in a tag match instead of in the tourney he desperately wanted to win."

"Cunts like you make analogies to Pokemon because... JAPAN!"

"WOWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Fuck me, HOW UNIQUE RAION!"

"MUSTA SPENT ALL NIGHT THINKIN' OF THAT ONE DIDN'T YA, CUNT?"

"Fuckin' dumb of shit, first of all..."

Like nails to a chalkboard a shrill voice shrieks from nowhere.

"Noah I will sue!"

Spooky!

"... To begin with! Alias did the Pokemon shit and did it BETTER! Did it in a creative way instead of sayin'" I pull a dumb face and try to sound as much like drywall as possible to mimic Kido. "Gee, I'm a manchild weeb who LOVES anime! And instead of using one of the HUNDREDS of media that would connect to myself and my team using a cat mech better such as Neon Genesis Evangelion, Gundam or even, oh I don't know FUCKIN' POWER RANGERS, CUNT!" My normal voice breaks through with the anger I feel to this dumb cunt. "Nah, I fuckin' know!"

"... POKEMON!"

"YOU FUCKIN' WORD I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY ANYMORE THAT BEGINS WITH THE LETTER 'R'!"

"And no ya dumb fuck it isn't Raion, although that is a great alternative to the word."

"Your home country and the best you can fuckin' muster is Pokemon?"

"..."

"POKEMON!?"

"Fuck me! Do ya keep your good ideas in a jar you can't get in? Need start storing your thoughts in Tupperware, cunt."

"Secondly, why the fuck Pokemon of all fuckin' things? You found out you can make ya own cards and decided to base your shit solely on the facts you could pretty up ya promo? Who are ya? Sidney Grey? Thought you were better than that, cunt. Pokemon makes NO fuckin' sense."

"Elite Four, yeah I get it, cute. But the whole thing about Victory Road and shit, it was one fuckin' kid going up and beatin' the Elite Four in EVERY FUCKIN' GAME! One small child! You're admitting your team can get beaten by a 10-year-old ya fuckwit!"

"And on top of that, Elite Four is STILL lower than the champion so your group isn't even the top dogs! Your under some other cunt! You basically serve the purpose of a fuckin' gate! You dickhead! This whole fuckin' theme is revolving around giant monsters, y'know something cool and YOUR EGO decides to choose THE ONE thing where the monsters are OWNED and CONTROLLED by a human. You can't let a somewhat original idea fuck your ego, nah, you have to make yourself the top cunt who has a slave monster in their pocket, the idea that YOUR CAPTAIN came up with, nah, fuck that, that's Kido's bitch now."

"Oh but Noah, Raion made Pokemon cards of his teammates, not the stupid cat robot!"

"Fuck off if you can't read the subtext, cunt, clear as fuckin' day. It's like how Kido is a sexist and hates sex workers..."

"I'm not joking, watch any Kido promo with that in mind and shit just pops up that raises an eyebrow, trust."

"And if I'm wrong on the subtext, which I'm not, then Kido's saying the cat mech controls them like Pokemon and tell me how the fuck that works! That's just Raiontarded."

"AND THEN! At the end of the promo he says he's gonna catch US!?"

I throw my arms up dumbfounded.

"Make up ya fuckin' mind, cunt! Is the cat mech the Pokemon? Are you Pokemon!? Are-are we the Pokemon!? The fuck are you chattin!? Do you build every single promo on one line and just wing the rest? What am I talkin' about of course you fuckin' do, you do it literally every fuckin' time. You dick around for a mind-numbingly boring length of time before you get all serious with the last words and launch into ya shit trash talk and end on a forced one-liner that links to the beginning of the promo. You actually showed some growth this time around by allowing Angie to get the last word in before you cut her short and launched into your spiel and that was solely to make yourself look like less of an egomaniacal sociopath!"

"OH MY GOD YOU FUCKIN' SUCK! I have a general dislike of most people but you are truly the only cunt I may actually hate because you've got everything in your life served on a silver platter, you're talented enough to dominate the wrestling business but you serve up shit like this week-in and week-fuckin'-out! It's infuriating!"

I shake me head and pull out a dart before lightin' it up and takin' a puff.

"Oh yeah, I smoke now Kido! You turned me into a smoker! I'm gonna get lung cancer and it's all thanks to you! At least you'll leave some mark by killing off someone who matters."

I compose meself a little, switching between the ciggie and me beer.

"There was two other things you said that I REALLY want to draw attention to, one was "The SAGA is now gone… but it damned certain did not fail." By the way, HILARIOUS! Honestly did not take you for a comedian. Points for that one, cunt, big chuckle there. Second was how you said you beat the rest of the team I'm a part of, like that matters? You know just because you beat someone once before doesn't mean it's a guarantee like? You're workin' on dumbfuck logic there, cunt. And even if that did matter, this handsome boy's a wild card here and I'm gonna show you how fucked you are when I actually turn up and try."

"In conclusion second pick... Shit promo! Like Mastermind levels of confusingly bad! Two thumbs up, keep being mediocre and doing the same promo over and fuckin' over again until the inevitable heat death of the universe."

I take a long swig of the Japanese beer, tasty stuff.

"I can't wrap me head around Angie pickin' Vita first, makes no sense, like if Kido is talking shit on how I haven't done nothing then surely he's shittin' on the rest of his team, captain included, who have done far less. It's almost as if Kido is talkin' out his ass and actually doesn't know a fuckin' thing."

"Hmmmmmm."

"I guess Angie and Vita are friends? Whatever, not like it matters. Vita is good, got a lot of respect for her, but first pick good? That just feels off to me. And Angie said Lacklan was pissed that she didn't get Vita first which... What? I know I've missed a lot but Vita ran around with a fake Anarchy title goading Lacklan at every corner, why would Lack-o want her? That's not a respected rival or frenemies things, that's just being a nuisance."

"Angie, ya logic is cooked, cunt. Also cats are horrid gremlin creatures that need to be wiped out."

"My whole argument for Angie is that she is "meh." Like the definition of "meh", "meh" purified, triple distilled and concentrated. She is Angie Vaughn, she wins some, she loses some, she is "meh."

"That's it, nothing more, nothing less."

"I can't even force anything else to say about her... Lovely girl, though! I'm gonna feel bad when I'm kicking her cute little behind and throwin' my fist into the back of her head but hey, I'm here to do damage and the cunt's in the way."

"Speakin' of cunts in the way, how's life Ozzy? How are the kids? Good? Yeah I'm glad, cunt. Listen, I still don't know dick about you and I'm not gonna force meself to do anything about that, if you can't tell I'm kinda hyperfocused on Raion because I really wanna kick seven shades of shit out of the cunt. All I'm gonna say to you is this."

"Just keep out the road, cunt."

"Like, you're a hindrance to your own team with how nothing you are anyway so it'll probably be for the best if you just take a seat and let the match play out with your ego intact because judging from your promo you ain't cut out to be a wrestler. Maybe a sleep therapist is better suited because BOY did I get tired watching your dog shit."

"Like fuckin' Nyquil!"

"I think you have a real future there! Like I get why you would want to be a wrestler, if you can pull off German Suplexin' a cunt around the Earth and enter the stratosphere with a moonsault like your Wiki says you can, bee tee dub you got a lot of citations you need to sort out on that, then yeah! Wrestler makes sense!"

"Shame no one will ever see you do those things because you cannot, have not and will not ever be able to cut it as a wrestler. But hey! At least you can dream."

"..."

I take a long inhale of me dart before stubbin' it out and sigh after a taste of nectar.

"V, offer still stands, cunt, don't get in my way and I won't get in yours. But if I see you makin' eyes at Kido again I'm gonna give you a taste of ya own medicine in the parking lot."

I finish off me can and let out a burp as I set it down on the ground.

"End of the day cunts, Turaner... Whatever the fuck that means, I dunno can't get a wink into Lack-o's mind, is gonna beat a bunch of pussies."

"Simple as."

"The other teams, fuck em, I don't care about em, I don't care if I get eliminated either, I just wanna be a good teammate for once in me life and help the rest of 'em."

"On one condition."

"Kido is mine."

"That is the only fuckin' thing I care about, I wanna embarrass the little prick for lettin' me down at March Madness."

"Whatever else happens, happens, when I knock the cunt out, I'll help clean up the rest but Raion, you sir, are royally fucked."

"See you cunts at ya loss."

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
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RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment