Micheal was trapped in an RP! Now he's trapped in someone else's!









NOW!






As the sun sets over the city skyline, Michael opened his eyes to a new day. He rose from the bed excitedly and hit his head against the wooden lid. "OW! SHIT!" Getting to the cause of his latest lump and pushing it, Michael stood up from a casket that appeared to be his bed. Looking around the pink room filled with huge teddy bears and countless mostly-used containers of different protein powders, he was pretty sure he knew where he was. "Oh great, I slept with Lane again!" Micheal sprung from the coffin and glided to his feet. 


"Hey! I really do fall with style now!" He said with a fangy grin.


Okay, upon closer inspection, It was clear to him what was happening here. Michael played with all those buttons and switches and inadvertently reconfigured P.E.T.S. to bring him into a new world, one where he now lives through the eyes of a teenage vampire. Vita Valenteen, NOT Vinnie Lane! He should know. He's peeped on her from that very window above her bed!


"Okay, so I'm in a Vita promo. All I need to do now is find something in here that can help me defeat the champ. Though I'm not sure what Vita could offer me outside of a serious case of A.D.D."


As the wheels began to turn inside of Micheal's noggin, something fantastic seemed to come to him!


Wait a minute! If I'm in a Vita promo, does that mean that I'm in her body?" Micheal's eyes grew large with glee and excitement. "DO I HAVE TITS!?!"


Michael excitedly ran to the mirror to check out his wicked cool and obviously TOTALLY badass fangs and maybe also play with his boobs a little bit.


BUT!!


As he looked into the mirror, all that reflected back was the room around him, because... You know...
























While our viewers at home were treated to this ridiculous scene involving the dude that is actually working the main event on Warfare, at MSG, a historic arena, AND against the XWF Universal Champion of all people. 



For the title!!!

---

"TIME OUT!"


"That's right, I'm in a Vita promo, so I got that time out power like Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell, which is totally where she stole it from, but nowadays it'd just look like she was mimicking that one guy. You know, the one always spraying Windex in people's eyes!"


"Anyway, apparently I met this fuckin' Kido tard before! I saw the footage, I'm sure it happened, but fuck me if I would have remembered otherwise! Kido sure did though! Seems Gravy really left an impression on the young lad! This dickshit got so mad at some comment I made in passing over a half year ago, that he's been plotting his fucking vengeance for seven Goddamned months all the while wondering why I hadn't ran to him looking for a fight! Uh, news flash, because I didn't want to!?!"


"That's not to say I wouldn't have had the opportunity presented itself, but as you well noted, I had been shelved! Resigned to a desk working the newest and lamest brand that the XWF has to offer, Madness! Though, is it REALLY even Madness if Paul Heyman isn't in charge!? Just saying. Point is, I ain't been active, despite wanting to be, and if you had a problem, you knew where to find me. Had too, you fucking memorized my whole career, or at least what you could find of it and regurgitated it all in what sure looked like a desperate attempt to reassure yourself against an unknown threat."


"And rest assured, despite what Mark Flynn says, I ain't fuckin' predictable, but he sure was jumping into my shit and rehashing all my best bits, and bits are what Gravy aims to leave you in champ, but before we get to that, Raiden, let me ask you something."


"Why didn't YOU come looking for me?"


"I mean, it was you that took offense to some off the wall bullshit that I said, not me. If you wanted so badly to prove to me how real your little anime fantasy was, I'd think you would have come and proven it some time ago. Hell, I would have been giddy for the fight. Might even had thanked ya if you had pulled me out of that office Hell sooner!" 


"You didn't though. Instead, you focused on your career and any accolades that you could claim or try to. Let's not mince words here Kid-o, you probolay outclass me in just about every way. Better wrestler? I'm sure! Better human being? No doubt! Better liked? In all of the multiverse, I can't fathom a reality where that doesn't hold true."


"You even got yourself a MUCH better track record compared to ole Gravy. AND in such a short time TOO!"


"Yeah, thanks for the history lesson bud, but that shit ain't news to anyone! Talk about low hanging fruit, but that's me in a nutshell isn't it? Why you think I'm always struggling to stay employed!?"


"Maybe I ain't the best wrestler. I'm pretty sure that I already explained that you don't go XTREME unless you're pretty fucking desperate, and hey hey, guess what!?!"


BUT!! It ain't ALL on me! Because management has ALWAYS had it out for me!"


"Whether they're directly getting involved in my matches, using the book to try and set me up for failure, OR just generally sticking their nose in my business. They LOVE to remind the Universe just how much I supposedly suck! You think me drawing Mark Flynn, the number one contender for Relentless, just DAYS before stepping in the ring with YOU? Meanwhile the champ gets a real fucking warm up with Lexi who the fuck cares!?! Yeah, Gravy is such a fucking non threat that we've gotta do everything we can to stack the deck against him to prove once more just how badly he sucks, but we'll see how much I fucking suck when I steal the Goddamned Universe!"

---

Slowly, a new world formed around Micheal.


A dark city, just like before, but this time Micheal found himself standing on a rooftop. He was barefoot and in a dirty white wife beater. "Am I in Die Hard!?!" 


Yes, Micheal Graves indeed found himself in the rooftop scene of Die Hard where the FBI agents are buzzing around in their chopper and seconds away from taking aim on him. Micheal looked down to his waist and noticed a firehose was already tied tight. "I remember this scene... Oh shit, I REMEMBER THIS SCENE!" Wide eyed and crazy, Micheal runs and leaps off of the side of the building in spectacular fashion as the rooftop explodes! 






























"That's not jizz! That's his digestive fluid! The Hutt died trying to devour you. It was your rotten taste that killed him, you idiot!"


That was a downer and brought a frown to Gravy's face. He liked the idea of killing Jobba with his sex god powers much better than the idea that he only survived because he hadn't bathed in years. There was no time to dwell on it though, Gravy was still in a spot. "So what now? You gonna kill me? Just get it over with. I'm kinda sick of this simulation shit!"


Bib kicked Jabba which caused some traped belly gases to escape and choke up the room. 


"Every moment I spent in his company was eternal hatred. The overwhelming stench emanating from his mouth, the sight of his thick, greasy flesh covered in pus filled boils, his unspeakable acts of evil... HE WAS THE MOST REVOLTING MONSTER IN THE GALAXY. You did us a solid. You're free to go slave girl!"

---

---

We're transported to another place, perhaps even another world... Ours! Somewhere in a remote BOB base, we find TK and his pal Jimmy hunched over a monitor watching Gravy's exploits in P.E.T.S.


"What!? They let him live!? What kinda fucking bullshit is that, Jimmy!?!"


"I can't predict the behavior of the AI, TK!"


"Well, obviously that May the 4th bullshit ain't gonna cut it! Just send him somewhere bad! We need to teach that fucker what happens when you fuck with BOB's shit!"


TK fingered his chin as he plotted. "What about Quantum Leap? Let's see if Gravy can handle Bobby!"


Jimmy got to work switching the sims as we rejoined Gravy in the midst of a scene transition!

---

---

"Ladies and gentlemen, our next event is about to take place! Please focus your attention on the center of the field. Sword fighting, it's coming up next!"


"Did you hear that?"


Gravy looked confused as he took in his surroundings. 


"Where the shit am I now!?!"


"This isn't any time to play around TK. You're up next"


"TK!?! I'm fucking Thunder Knuckles, now!?! Hey-yo! This shit's busted! I can't learn a Goddamned thing running promo sims from a fucker I pulled a draw on!" 


Of course, this outburst only confused and worried Jimmy, but he placed the blame on stress. TK was about to fight his best bastard to the death afterall. Ultimately, Jimmy decided to change the subject. "Hey, have you seen the sword that Marty has been training with?"


"Who the fuck is Marty!?!"


"Ha ha, funny TK! Come on, let me show you."


Jimmy started towards the sword rack, but Gravy took pause as he finally noticed the docile Bobby Kurgan. "Uh, what's Bobby doing here?"


"Uh, he's here to sword fight you. Are you sure that you're okay, TK?"


"Yeah, I'm fine!" Gravy snapped. "Why the fuck do I have to sword fight with Bobby Bourbon!?!"


"It's Bobby Kurgan, and you have to do it if you want out of Marty's body. We've already been through all of this TK." Jimmy retrieved TK's katana from the sword rack and turned to present it to him, but TK was already on the field and running towards Bobby Kurgan unarmed! 


"Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like our next contest is starting early!"


"TK, WAIT! YOUR SWORD!!!"


But Graves didn't pay Jimmy any mind and continued to race towards Bobby as Bobby readied his stance. As Gravy rushed in, unarmed, Bobby swung his great big overcompensating sword! The swing was so heavy and slow, that even Graves had little issue avoiding the blow. Bobby literally didn't know what hit him once Matilda slapped into the back of his head and stayed there thanks to the 3 inch nails now buried in his skull. 


Gravy smirked. "I fuckin' win! Easy!"


But it wasn't over yet! The Kurgan stabbed the tip of his sword into the dirt and pressed against the hilt as he pushed back up to his feet. Bobby pulled the nailed dildo out of the back of his skull and tossed it to the ground with a sneer. 


Gravy silently gulped.


Bobby raised his sword high into the air, and as the slow chopping motion of the blade drew near, Micheal's life flashed before his eyes!

---

---

"Aw shit, here it is, Gravy in another no win situation and seconds away from certain death! This shit happens all the time! I'm doing my thing, being a fucking rockstar, and then some random turn of events throws a Goddamned wrench into my plans! Who knew Bobby was going to no sell fucking Matilda? I sure as fuck didn't! Now standing here and watching that blade swing down on me, I'm reminded of that time that I went into a match fully cocked and ready to unload gallons of Gravy down the champs throat, only for him to completely mindfuck my plans with his shit take on my career."


"That man was Robbie Bourbon, not Raiden Kido, and his mind games still didn't work! It took, surprise surprise, a GM getting involved in the ending of the match to dick me out of my win! Check those results again, . You say I suck, I say I just get dicked. A LOT! How fucking fitting that a Bobby is about to dick me now? It sure as shit won't be a Asian!"


"You're going to show me that your bullshit old ass, grandpa, anime inspired, "world" is real Raiden!?! How about I don't give a fuck!?! The only thing I care for you to show me is just how much pain and suffering you'll endure to hold onto that title! Then I'll show YOU just how much further I can take shit!"


"Last Man Standing, or Last Man Breathing, as you made clear will be your goal. You think you can kill me!?! Fuck you! Better people have tried and better people have failed! Sarah Lacklan pushed me to what she believed would be my death. Brains were oozing out of my head and everything, yet here I am alive and well!"


"Dolly Waters tried and succeeded in caving my fucking skull in, and yet again here I stand!"


"Fucking Jim Caedus even took a shot when he threw me from the Tower of London, or was it the Eiffel Tower? NO! IT WAS BIG FUCKING BEN, AND YET HERE I STAND!"


"What is it that you think that you can do to me that they couldn't and do you still think that you will be able to do it while I'm shoving broken glass down your tights and kicking you in the nads!?!"


"You're so concerned about people buying into your stupid bullshit AND you not looking like a complete clown by losing to this guy, that you're forgetting one important detail."


"I'm not looking to prove shit!"


"Nothing to lose verses everything to lose. Your words, but they are correct. You need to look good here, not me. You need to win, not me. Win, lose, or draw, nothing changes for me. Not in the minds of the fans or the boys. The only thing I get is a little revenge on this company be forcing them to promote Gravy front and center and maybe the job security that comes along with it! So tell me Lord Raiden, why are you expecting wrestling ability and match statistics to come into play when you made this shit a fight? Not a match, no 1.2.3, just a straight up fucking fight to the death, and as I said, I'm pretty fucking hard to kill!"


"You wanna run me down to the XWF Universe!? You're preaching to the fuckin' chior ya dipshit! Don't nobody respect Gravy and they ain't in a very long time! Just like don't nobody expect Gravy to beat you, including YOU, but that'll end up being your fucking undoing, cause you acting like this is a wrestling match, even after idiotically removing all restraints!"


"I don't NEED to be the better wrestler! I just need to knock your fucking brains out of your skull so you can't answer the count!"


"Easy enough!"


"This is gonna be a fucking mugging!"

---

---

As we rejoined Gravy, Bobby was about half way through his swing, and time was quickly running out. Gravy needed to act fast! 


"Hey Bobby Kurgan! Your shoe's untied!"


"Huh!?!" Bobby stopped to look at his laceless boots and Gravy used the opening to kick him in the nads, steal his sword, and... Nothing. The sword was too heavy for Gravy! 


"How do you even fucking lift this thing!?!"


Oh no! The Kurgan was recovering and Gravy couldn't lift the sword. Surely he was doomed now! 


"TEEE-KAAAY!"


Jimmy dove towards Graves, throwing his Katana as he did! Gravy nodded, grateful for the assist and dove to catch his weapon. He looked back to the recovered Bobby who drew his sword as well. Gravy wasted little time and rushed Bobby Kurgan! Bobby swung his sword as Gravy leapt through the air and took his head! 


Gravy landed on his feet just behind Bobby as Bobby's head rolled to the ground.


"TK! YOU DID IT!" Jimmy exclaimed as he rushed to the side of his friend.


"But I don't understand. Why haven't you jumped yet?"


Jimmy placed his hand on Gravy's shoulder, only for Gravy's head to drop to the ground as well!


"TEEE-KAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"

---

---

Back in the lab, Gravy awakened with a jump! Panicked and in the midst of a smokers coughing fit, Gravy slid the big metal helmet off of his head and stood up, once again stumbling forward into the machines controls. 


"What the fuck was all that!?!" Gravy rubbed at his neck, still feeling the cut of Bobby's blade. "I'm beginning to think that this machine isn't suited to my needs at all!" Screaming at the control panel, Gravy yelled; "WHY CAN'T YOU SEND ME INTO A RAYMAN KIDO PROMO!?!" Graves relented and dropped his head. "At least THAT might give me some clue to his weakness!"


Graves paced the room and pulled at his hair. He was frustrated that his plan wasn't bearing fruit! In his mind, this machine would give him some clue, some... THING to help further his efforts in the XWF, but so far it had only served as a source of trauma and stress that would likely have crushed a lesser man, or maybe it's a more sound mind? 


IDK, either way, Graves had his fill of this aimless pursuit!


IT WAS TIME TO FIND THE FUCKING MANUAL!


Graves searched every drawer and file cabinet in the room, but found nothing of use. Driven to the very edge, Graves smashed his fist onto a keyboard, and as luck would have it, that action pulled up a PDF of the owners manual for P.E.T.S. or Psychological Endurance Training System.


"The what now?"


Gravy skims through the literature on the screen. It seemed that this machine was designed to break the minds of BOB recruits. Here Gravy thought it was used to generate those shitty parodies that The Bastards are known for. 


"Shit, does that mean I'm a BOB slave now?"


Oh hell nah, thought Gravy! He was in BOB, he even LED BOB at one point! No way was he going back to them backstabbing bastards as a fucking slave! He'd already killed one fat slimy endless pit of despair that tried it, and he'd gladly kill three more, but it wouldn't need to come to that! 




Gravy smashed the glass and swung the fire axe into the control board!


A LOUD BANG!


SPARKS FLY!


AND GRAVY GLOWED, BABY!