Vita Valenteen: ”Okay, so don’t be mad....”

Prologue

Kicking butt as a superhero was fun. Doing it along side of Ruby was surprisingly fun. Coming up short in the semi finals… Not so fun. We risked life and limb to take down some animal poachers. They had guns, we had the power of awesomeness. They never stood a chance.

At Lethal Lottery it was a different story. Our awesomeness was overwhelmed by Fuzz’s refusal to lose. He was determined to walk away that night with all the prizes, and holy shit did he ever!! It’s great, really. I’m happy for Fuzz just like I’m happy for Noah, but something has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now…

Ruby: ”Yes, we’re good. And we fought well, I’ll admit. But you? You could be great! If you only screwed your head on straight! So why don’t you? You’re a good kid, Vita, but sometimes you could do with a bit of growing up! A LOT of the times, in fact.”

Why does this bother me so?


Is it because she has a point?


Of course she has a point, DUH!


I’ve spent far too much of my time goofing off and far too little of it seriously competing. I attacked Centurion and Mav at XX for a measly 30k payoff. Did I do it for the money? Eh, yeah, but I also did it because it sounded fun. Just like trying to turn a fatal four way into a tag match at Anarchy. I wasn’t even trying to win, just screw with the powers that be, why? Because it sounded fun. It’s the same reason that when Amjetkun showed up at my place looking to film our promos together, I didn’t immediately turn him away. Who collaborates their promo work with their opponents? Nobody, so of course the idea sounded fun.


Here’s the problem though, fun isn’t getting me anywhere. Noah has the Television title. Fuzz has the Xtreme title and a briefcase to boot. The Sick Cunts are in line for a Tag Team title shot, and here I am with nothing, not even a mention on the fliers for the Sick Cunts Celebration.


Am I jealous?


No.


But I’d be lying if I said that I’m happy to fade into the background with nothing more than a whimper…

The Now!!!!

(REPLAY) Big D: "As far as I'm concerned, that TV Title Match is gonna have one more empty pod in it because I AIN'T SHOWIN' UP!!!!!!”

Vita Valenteen: ”Big D? What a putz, seriously! I’d call him a goober, but this dude skipped right over goob and went straight to putz!!”


“I know that I can be a handful sometimes, and maybe my antics have rubbed more than a few people the wrong way, but come on!! How can Big D garner any sort of respect or fanfare when he’s too scared to step back into the ring with Noah?”


“Oh and that’s definitely what it is too. Don’t be fooled by his thin ass argument that he deserves more. Big D must stand for BIG heaD, because holy crap, the ego with this guy must be over 9000 for him to actually think that getting wrecked at Lethal Lottery and losing his TV title somehow qualifies him for a Universal title shot.”


“Let’s be real D, if we removed the random drawing from the equation, where do you think you would be on this card? Would you be challenging for the Universal title? Maybe the Xtreme? Oh, what about the Hart?”


“Here’s the facts… Jack…”


“You vs Lu… Erm… The Engineer…”


“So weird…”


“Anyway, The Engineer would eat you alive dude!!”


“Seriously, 100%...”


“Big D = Dead.”


“You’re lucky that those random drawings were a thing, because honestly, you placed well above your current worth. Noah schooled your butt at LL, and honestly nobody thinks you even deserve a rematch, but now you’re all, “I don’t even want that title”. Ha, you’re just trying to save face and not admit that you’re scared of Noah making you once again look like the waste of space that you are!! Seriously dude, you JUST paid 100k for a shot at that very same title just a month ago right? Obviously it means more to you than you’re letting on, you just know that you can’t stand toe to toe with Noah and you don’t want to suffer a second loss in a row. Just admit it already!!”


“Whatever, go silently sob in the corner if you want, but not me!!”

Flashback to Lethal Lottery!! Ruby leaps high into the air and comes crashing down top Sarah with both feet, her Ruby in the Rough connecting straight down atop Sarah’s head! The former champion’s eyes glaze over from the impact, but Ruby is fast to get back to her feet and grab Sarah by the waist and neck. She yells for all of her might and whips Sarah up and over into the open dumpster! She climbs the dumpster next to it and grabs the lid. She looks down just in time for Sarah to see where she is, see that her perfect skin and silk wrestling gear, is covered in trash, and begins to scream. Ruby’s eyes clenched in pain at the sudden shriek, but she slams down the lip and jumps down to the ground, where Lawanda is there to hand her her title belt. Winner and STILL XWF Anarchy Heavyweight Champion - Ruby

Vita Valenteen: ”Tell me, what I’m supposed to do now? I’ve invested months trying to set up a rematch with Slacklan, months trying to prove that I’m the better wrestler, MONTHS trying to prove that I’M THE REAL ANARCHY CHAMPION!! And for what!!? For Sarah to royally drop the ball and fail to regain the title? I’m not taking anything away from Ruby, I fought side by side with her, and that girl knows her way around the ring, but Jesus Christ Sarah, couldn’t you have waited to shit the bed, like maybe until you had the balls to step into the ring with me again? Oh, but I’m 0 and 3, she’s not scared. That’s bull and she knows it!! I had Sarah’s number, and all I needed was a venue to prove it, but now… Now I’m left with a new champion, a new opponent, a new rival, and honestly… I don’t even know if I want it anymore.”


“The goal was to beat Sarah, to rid the XWF of her once and for all. The goal was to make Anarchy a better brand, with a better champion. One who wouldn’t shy away from challenges. One who wouldn’t lazily defend her championship once every couple of months at best. Now that Ruby is officially recognized as the champion, where does that leave me? Sure, I can still rightfully claim my title and challenge Ruby, but without Sarah there to embarrass, what’s the point?”


“Whatever, Sarah’s not dead, just avoiding me like the plague. I’m sure we’ll have our moment, but in the meantime...”

FLASHBACK TO DECEMBER 7th!!

I’m mid workout, really killing it too. I feel like I’ve gotten so much stronger since LL started. Maybe it was Amjetkun hanging out here during the first round. That dude really has no quit in the gym. For all his faults, it’s kinda inspiring. Or maybe it’s the fact that my feeling of self worth is at an all time low and I’m just trying to work through my shiz, I don’t know.”


There’s also that protein powder that Socio gave me. Who knew that protein could give you such an edge in the gym? I know it’s essential to building muscle, but I never knew how much energy the stuff gave you, like, I’m totally wired right now!!


So of course my phone would ring and interrupt my workout mix…


Vita Valenteen: ”What!!?”


Smoking Bob: ”Vita, it’s Smoking Bob!!”


Vita Valenteen: ”Yeah, caller ID… What do you want, I’m kinda busy!”


Smoking Bob: ”Well, I’m not sure if you heard the news about Big D or not...”


Vita Valenteen: ”Seriously? I’m dating the Television champion, of course I heard about it. We had a good laugh at his expense. What does this have to do with me?”


Smoking Bob: ”Well, I know that you originally told me no when I asked you to take part in the Christmas edition of Warfare, but I was wondering...”


Vita Valenteen: ”If I’d fill in and take Big D’s spot in the Television title match?”


Smoking Bob: ”Exactly! Now I know that you and Noah are dating, but I’m kinda in a pinch here and need to fill that spot ASAP.”


Vita Valenteen: ”So you called me to see if I’d be willing to challenge my boyfriend for his title? You do realize that in the last couple of months we’ve been booked against each other like a million times right?”


Smoking Bob: ”Yes, I’m aware.”


Vita Valenteen: ”So are you also aware that we’ve refused to ever fight one another again?”


Smoking Bob: ”I am, but this isn’t just some match that’s being thrown together solely to see you two kick the bejesus out of each other, this is a title match, so I figured it would be different.”


Vita Valenteen: ”Oh yeah, totally different. Instead of just punching each other in the face, I can totally try and take the belt that he’s worked so hard for.”


“No thank you...”


Smoking Bob: ”Oh, okay then, I just figured since the title was on the line that you’d be willing to participate, especially considering how Fuzz didn’t hold back at LL when you two faced off...”


Not gonna lie here guys, it kinda pisses me off that this old fart has a point, but he does…


Vita Valenteen: ”Wait...”


A zillion thoughts run through my head. Probably because of the protein powder having me so hyped right now, but wow… The things Ruby has said to me and about me… They’re all supportive, all positive, and all point to me needing to start taking my career a little more seriously again. Then there’s the celebration that I’m not even mentioned in. I’m sure nobody would turn me away, well okay, TK would if the price was right, and he is working the door, but I doubt it… I think? Fuzz didn’t hold back at LL either. Not in the ring and not on the mic. The dude called me out on all my BS, and to be honest, it kinda stung a little… Maybe this is the right move? Maybe this is one of those situations where I need to screw my head on straight and do what’s right for me, not my relationship, not what’s fun or funny, just what’s right for me…


Smoking Bob: ”Hello?”


If Noah really loves me, he’ll understand, and if not… Maybe it’s best to find out early?


Vita Valenteen: ”I’ll do it!!”


Smoking Bob: ”Really? Great!”


Vita Valenteen: ”Just do me a favor and don’t announce it publicly, I’d rather Noah hear it from me first... ”


Smoking Bob: ”I’ll allow that, thank you Vita.”


Vita Valenteen: ”Yeah sure...” I say before abruptly ending the call.

BACK TO THE FUTURE!!

Vita Valenteen: ”Let’s be real here. This mini Pay Per View is a joke, and a bad one at that. It’s like Smoking Bob wandered into the B locker room by mistake when he was searching for challengers. It’s honestly shocking that he called me instead of giving Kris Von Boring his 40th title shot this month. It’s not like the competition in the Television championship match is any better. Who do we have in this match with any real shot at dethroning my baby? Donovan Blackwater?”


“PUH-LEASE!!”


“He’s already had his shot last Savage, and in true Blackwater fashion, he blew it! What’s the point of all of those super powers when you can’t even win a match? Besides, powers are overrated anyway. Ruby and I took out an entire illegal poaching operation and the only power that we shared between us was the power of AWESOMENESS!! I know I said it already, but it’s the damn truth!! And being awesome is the best power to have, much better than being a jobber who can levitate or whatever B.S. them Blackwater boys claim to do!!”


“But Donovan is just a piece of the puzzle right? Maybe that new Travis guy could pull the upset? Think about how weird it would be to have a champion well into his 70’s… Oh, that must be a typo!! Either that or it’s another lame-o claiming to be the devil or some ish… Either way, with me not really knowing much about the guy, it’s easy to write him off, but maybe he could pull off a shocker? Big ole upset from the oldest rookie in XWF history? Nah!! I’ll admit that he’s worth keeping an eye on, but statistically speaking, he’s more likely to shit the bed then win the night… Moving on!!”


“That leaves us with the biggest and baddest name in this match outside of myself and Noah, Bearded War Pig!! BWP is a former X-Treme champion, did anyone else know that? Of course not, because it’s been ages since he’s held a title, and even then he didn’t tend to hold onto them for very long. As a matter of fact, that Xtreme title reign didn’t even last for a full two weeks!! HE also held the TV title once, and hey, he held that one for nearly a month. That’s actually kinda impressive, at least until you realize that it was EIGHT YEARS AGO!! So the last time that BWP held a title for more than a hot minute, I was in middle school… Let that sink in... but hey, let’s take titles out of the picture for a moment. I mean, it’s not totally fair to judge someone on title reigns alone. So, what else has BWP ever done in the XWF? Um… Honestly I’ve got nothing… At least nothing outside of the fact that he hitched his trailer to Robbie Bourbon a couple of years back and used Robbie’s success to barely keep his name relevant at all, but then he screwed that up too didn’t he?”


“Why’d you attack Robbie huh? Did you somehow think that he was holding you back? Robbie was the only reason that anyone gave a damn about you in 2019, so he definitely wasn’t holding you back. Maybe you just think that you’re better than him? Is that it? Is this match going to be where you prove to everyone just how good you really are? If that’s what you’re thinking, then you’re dumber than I give you credit for!! You couldn’t beat Noah on your best day, even if it also happened to be his worst!! The biggest mistake that you ever made was turning your back on Robbie, but I’m totally positive that you’re going to learn that first hand sooner than later!! Lesson one will be when you completely fail to make any sort of impact in this match, much less win it, and lesson two is one that you’re not likely to survive when Robbie comes to take his aggression out of your dumpy butt!!”


“And I’ve already covered the original 4th man, and as bland and awful as he can be, he was the only person in this match that had a chance. Sure, it was something like a 3% chance that he’d win, but now we’ll never know because Big D took his ball and ran off to beg for Uni shots.”


“Total upgrade though, because now the fans have something to get excited about!! Noah Jackson and Vita Valenteen competing for the Television title while occasionally fighting off goobers and tards!! It’s going to be EPIC!! Who’s going to win? Well that’s the best part!! Noah and I have been booked opposite of each other so-so many times, but honestly, there’s only been two times in the past that we actually fought. The June 13th episode of Anarchy where Noah beat me, and the October 17th edition of Anarchy where I beat him. We’re so perfectly matched that this ish could go either way, but Noah or me is the only way this match can go because the rest of those clowns are so far beneath us that none of them could beat us in a million years!!”


“This would have been an easy night for ya Noah, just show up and win by default, but now, because of me, you’re going to actually have to fight to keep that belt. Please don’t be mad, I had to do this…”