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**Dolly Waters** · (10-14-2016)

The scene opens to find our hero: the ever glorious, ever beautiful, ever illustrious, and ever awe inspiring Dolly Waters wearing a men’s styled black suit jacket and matching pants with a frilly white dress shirt, black tie and a black Quaker-esque hat a top of her mystifyingly gorgeous looking head. She’s sitting in her recliner, TV dinner tray topped with a medium rare filet mignon and a rich glass of milk; she’s rocking back and forth in her chair, laughing hysterically at a gruesome scene from Evil Dead that’s playing on her television.

The scene breaks and changes to her now doing headstand pushups while still wearing her suit and hat, she’s not even sweating, not even grunting, just looking deeply into the camera as she blows a bubble with her pink chewing gum.

The scene breaks and changes again, and now we find her perfectly eating her steak while sitting Indian Style on the floor. She is intently reading Sun Tzu’s: ‘The Art of War’, she pauses, ponders then giggles a bit before continuing her reading.

The scene breaks once more to where we find Miss Waters napping in her chair, her steak half eaten, milk spilled all over the TV dinner tray while Kitt Kennedy’s latest promo is airing on her television. Dolly awakes from her picturesque slumber, stretches, then removes small white mouse from her pocket and sits it upon her TV dinner tray:

Hello everyone, I’ve been dreaming something quite pleasant; there were these lush green fields in a valley kept dry by a levee filled with red and gold streamers, and there was this trumpeting musical number buzzing through the waves as balloons of a particular celebratory ambiance were floating into the golden skies, and at the center of the excitement there were gobs of blood splattering on to a steel plated mesh wire, and when I stood from my knees, brass hammer in tow, I wiped my slender body only covered by a thin white night gown with the bloodshed. I’m not sure what any of that meant, but it was pleasant none the less.

Now while I’d much rather sit here and banter on about generally intriguing enigmas, I do at some point have to address my opponent this week, Kitt Kennedy.

Dolly smiles and grazes the small white mouse on her dinner tray with her pinky as the mouse begins lapping up Dolly’s spilled milk.

Kitt, I’ve really tried to get excited about our match tomorrow, but I simply can’t; you’re so meek, so frail and defenseless, it has been incumbent upon me and me alone to add the necessary levels of veracity and intensity to what will surely be one of the most one sided matchups in XWF history.

Are you even trying anymore, Kitt? Because I’m wondering why I have to open my eyes at this bullshit you try throwing at me like a little limp wristed dweeb trying to be taken seriously in a game of dodge ball. It’s really pathetic, and inexplicably so at that… where in the fuck are your manners?

Don’t sit there and try pretending like you’re not chomping at the fucking bit at the thought of actually knocking me off on Saturday and begin crowned the new Television Champion, I’m sure it has rattled your nerves to the point of puking… so why in the fuck aren’t you willing to give me a REAL challenge?

Dolly’s eyes widen as she snaps her fingers and laughs.

I’ve got it now! It’s because you can’t, Kitt, you’ve never been a challenge in the least of ways to me or my championship; and this only furthers the point I had made before about your previous “wins” being against superstars who were apathetic at the thought of facing you. You bring absolutely nothing to the table, I mean just watching this promo makes me want to go smoke six hundred and sixty-six grams of meth with Unknown Soldier and peel white paint from the walls of a padded room with my finger nails… at least that would be interesting.

Did you catch anomaly in that idea? I MEAN IS IT EVEN FUCKING WORTH IT FOR ME TO SAY ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY THOUGHT PROVOKING!?! Or do you just sit around every time with your mouth hung open wider than Ghost Tank’s pussy, an army of flies swarming around the largest pile of shit in the world while drool pours out of your mouth and becomes used as lubricant for the verbal pounding I continually execute on your tender ass?

Fuck it, this is useless, Kitt you’re one dumb son of a bitch, you know that right? If you would just fumble on over to XWF dot com, you’d find that all of these promos are archived in their website, yes even your shitty ones; and this week I was rather confused because under the Warfare archive there’s an awful promo by a one Kitt Kennedy called “The Road to Destruction PT.2”, and this is confusing because your latest mistake that you cut on me for Savage is also called “The Road to Destruction PT.2” but it doesn’t matter I guess, because while you surely intended for these mundane, cancer inducing promos to be different they’re both exactly alike anyway. Funny huh? Funny because they’re both filled with the wildly boring ass attempts of contradicting anything I’ve ever claimed, and you trying to convince the world and yourself that you’re somehow on the same level as me and that you actually have a chance at having your arm raised in victory on Saturday. Maybe your next shit promo series can be called: “The Road to Recovery”, where you’ll spend most of your time spewing your Barney Green grade bullshit hooked up to life support with a catheter rammed up your little baby dick.

Well if you’re done kicking your own ass down the happy road to nowhere, maybe you should look up and see the big flashing caution and no outlet signs awaiting you, because once we enter the Devil’s Playpen together there is no turning back, you’re going to get every ounce the ass beating that you have so rightfully deserved from me for so long. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be the best talent that this company has to offer, yet you’re constantly fed a bunch of pitiful dick suckers who can barely lace up their own shoes, let alone try and be relevant?

The Road Warrior's shit promo Said:(Kitt settles back into his seat and takes a drink from his glass. As Kitt settles back in a smile begins to creep across his face.)

Kitt: I don’t think you asked for the Hell in a Cell stipulation “to ease my mind” from an attack from your little buddies. No, I don’t think that was it at all. You know what I think? I think you are scared that my new friend would make an appearance again to further settle the score.

Wow, great acting… Really good, surely Sun Dance worthy. But you’re right, I didn’t ask for the Cell to “ease your mind”, in fact I didn’t even ask for the Cell, and if you weren’t too broke to pay attention you would have noticed that among a million other clear indicators that you’re a fucking

; Heyman asked Lane for the Cell after I demanded that it be done because I don’t want to just wrestle and beat you, Kitt, no, no. I want to end your career. I want to end your life down in New Orleans…

The little white mouse begins nibbling upon Dolly’s leftovers.

Interesting. This mouse leaves me feeling oddly similar to someone else I know. Oh and by the way, who is your new friend? Hunter Payne? Give me a fucking break would you? What gives you the slightest idea that I'm afraid of Hunter Payne? Oh maybe it's because Hunter couldn't defeat me last week, huh? I'm starting to see how your rationale works out... completely bassackwards.

Plus Hunter's ambush on Da' Qlub looked a whole lot more like vengeance for himself rather than an assist to you, because once that greedy fucker got what he wanted, he left, leaving you to feel the rath of Dolly fucking Waters. Hunter knows better than to show up Saturday, I'm sure he'll be busy having his snatch licked by Miss Roy anyhow.

Kitt, your lack of attention to detail is goddamn startling man, I mean I haven’t even pointed out the fact that your entire last promo all you did was make responses to the things Heyman was saying as if you were talking to me, I can’t even fathom the idea of you passing the second grade, let alone somehow becoming a millionaire who lives in some swanky mansion… What did you win a slip and fall settlement while working at McDonalds? How are you so fucking rich? Maybe it was an inheritance, who knows, who fucking cares?

Mr. Deeds Said:be careful what you wish for because you just might get it

I feel completely numb towards you and frankly, I will stop at nothing to take that title away from you.

Great fucking clichés, dude. Excuse me will I try and not choke on my own vomit. Do you understand why this is so irritating? If this is your best effort, Kitt then you really don’t deserve being involved in the same conversation as me; the lone reason for your minuscule speck of relevance in XWF is because you’ve survived by scavenging on the scraps that I’ve left behind. That’s why you’ve gripped to my ass so hard; just like this poor little defenseless mouse here, I kick to him all the insignificant shit that I don’t want, hence that title around your waist, but all along he’s too stupid to see the fate that awaits him.

Dolly stands up and grabs the mouse, while flipping the dinner tray over into the floor. She so elegantly walks right through the mess, it doesn’t bother her; of course it doesn’t… our hero is not a little bitch.

You have no defense for me, Kitt, no offense either. No game plan to try and take me down, no mind games played what an absolute waste of time this has been; see and it’s not like a real challenger wouldn’t have tried harder if presented with the opportunity of bringing me down, you’re just a lazy undeserving contender who sucks at every single thing that he does. This mouse can’t help the fact that I can so easily destroy him, but you? You at least could have tried being something other than a

with and undeservingly inflated ego.

Come Saturday, Kitt, this brief little saga of you chasing my coattails ends, once and for all… I am going to break you, physically, emotionally and spiritually while you’re down on your knees praying to a God who will refuse to hear your cries, because you’ll be too far gone into the Devil’s clutches. The only thing that will answer will be my knee crashing into your fucking skull leaving you decapitated.

Dolly drops he mouse into a glass tank where a large snake is slithering around.

Kitt, you’ve walked right into my trap, I’ve got you hook, line and sinker now, and there will be no escape. Oh and don’t worry about my little friend here, he was ageing a bit anyhow and will now go on to serve a greater purpose, just like you. The snake won’t feast right away though, he’s not too hungry right now… but tomorrow, once the mouse has exhausted all opportunity for escape, once he has finally realized that the end is near, the snake will strike! Quickly and with the force hurricane he will smother the mouse… You should be praying now that your ending will be so fortunate.

See you tomorrow, Kitt. I’ll be bringing my bib, because by then I too will be ready to feast.

Dolly smiles and blows the camera a kiss as the scene fades.

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