http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=13169

Would love it if you fuck faces could give me some feedback.

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I'm new here, but saw you were asking for feedback.

I think this was a good piece, but ultimately there were some flaws (at least in my eyes) that stop it from being great. First of all, the random change of tense and perspective. The former was a one shot occurrence but something I noticed nonetheless. The latter was a little jarring to say the least; not because changing perspective mid RP is inherently a bad thing but because it came without much warning. That's one of those things where some warning would be nice.

Also, I feel like your dialog was a little too wordy at points. Again, not necessarily a bad thing but I've always held a viewpoint that less is more in that regard. I guess what I'm saying is that it didn't seem natural. Not the emotions behind them of course, but the actual words themselves. Something felt like Steve and Mark, both seeming incredibly stubborn and hot headed would interrupt each other a lot more. If I'm misinterpreting the characters there feel free to correct me but that's just how they came across.

Other than those two things though, you got an interesting story going on here that ended on a clever cliffhanger.

Hope I helped a little bit.

I'm a bit confused by the changing perspective part - the whole RP is shot in first person from Steve's perspective. Furthermore, neither of them are supposed to be that angry. Steve is calm because he has accepted that he may have to die in order to save Lacey. Mark is partially calm due to his own desperation to come across as sadistic.

I will take your advice on dialogue - Steve is meant to come across as wordy and poetic but I don't want that shifting to my other characters so thank you for the response - all feedback is much appreciated and I'll try to take it on board

Actually, I see what you mean. I should have made the change back to Steve more clear - from the third person where Mark and Lacey are discussing Steve.

Got'cha. Thanks man.

I agree on the tense, that's always been one of my focal points, but I'm actually here to give you feedback on the piece you posted moments ago...It was pitch perfect, on point. That ending delievered wonderfully, and I was LITERALLY upset cuz I wanted tah know what happened next >< ....That's the mark of a great storyteller. Fantastic work, Arch. ^^

Thanks man, that means a lot! Glad you wanted to know what happens next, won't be long until you find out!

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Thank you, I saw the 'like', knew it had tah be you...Believe me, Paulie might not see it, a lotta people might not, an' I don't blame 'em, but I'm tryin'. And I love a lotta the work here, that's why I missed this place. I always knew you were a cool guy, and the things you said carried value, an' I took them to heart. Can't WAIT to continue readin' the storyline. Rawk on, brutha. ^_^

--$hane-o

I just thought I'd apologize for my attitude earlier. Kinda been out of it lately...But the main thing I wanted to say is, I LOVE that new avatar!! It's rawkin', the hair and everything. ^^ Again, I'm sorry about the way I responded in the "Thing" thread, and I hope you're doin' well Arch.