High Rise Building
Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois

My heart raced and my mind raced even faster as the elevator emitted a low volume beep each time we passed another floor.  I didn't know what we were walking into.  Maybe Lauren was with a boyfriend, if she even had one.  Maybe she was conducting business… whatever that might entail.  There were a lot of unknowns, a lot of variables.  What I did know was that she was into something.

Brandon Small wasn't the kind of guy that hung out in seedy places.  Mitchell's Tap was definitely a seedy place.  He was a well-to-do kid from a well-to-do family with many family members entangled in different areas of the U.S. federal government.  While it's not outside the realm of possibility, it's certainly not common for someone like Brandon to spend time where he was.

Once we exited the elevator, my mind wandered elsewhere.  How selfish was I being?  Was it right to protect Frankie even from his own mother?  Was I using the hurt and pain she caused when she left as a device to punish her?  Was this even about Frankie at all?

There are answers to all of those questions, though none of them are simple and virtually all of them have gray solutions rather than something that was purely black or white.  While I have certainly moved on with my life and found love in Lucy Wylde, I still harbored a lot of anger and resentment toward Lauren.

Maybe it was time to let it out.

Brandon knocked on her front door and went to speak.  Stopping him, I slammed one hand into the back of his neck and covered his mouth with the other.  When Lauren opened up, the look in her eye was something I couldn't quite pinpoint.  Lust? Love? Hate?  A mix of all of those?

”Hi honey, I'm home,” I said as I shoved Brandon through the doorway then followed him in, pushing past my stunned future ex-wife.

”What the fuck are you doing here?” Lauren questioned, perhaps rightfully so.

”Hi, I'm Lucy,” Lucy said uncomfortably as she extended her hand toward Lauren.

”Pleasure,” Lauren replied aggressively. Her unwillingness to hide her disdain for Lucy or for me was on full display.  Nevertheless, she didn't accept Lucy’s offer of a handshake as I began my due diligence in looking through her apartment.

”Why are you here!?” Lauren repeated before turning to Brandon and mouthing the words “I'll fucking kill you.”

”I figured since you remembered you were a mom to at least one parasite…”

I looked at her as the last word rolled off my tongue.  Mainly, to watch her crawl and cringe and shrink away inside of her own skin hearing her own words echoed back to her.

”If my son…”

”Our son,” she interrupted.

”No!” I slammed a kitchen cupboard door and made my way around the kitchen island in a somewhat aggressive manner.  ”You don't get to fucking do that anymore!”

”What the fuck are you even talking about!?” Lauren demanded as she stepped toward me.

”You don't get to go back on what you said.  You don't get to retcon your departure!

“Frankie, T.J., Livvy, three kids that loved you.  Three kids that did nothing but call you Mom and treat you as if you were… Three innocent children that never did nothin’ to nobody…

“And you called ‘em… parasites.”

She stood silently for a moment, looking away as I attempted to look her straight in the eyes.

”Noooo Babydoll,” I said as I grabbed her by her chin and forced her to look at me.  ”You don't get to make me the villain in your story anymore.

“Make no mistake… I'm not innocent, but at least I own my shit.  You don't get to blame them or me for your bullshit decisions.”

It's easy to witness this scene and think that I enjoyed it.  I didn't.  Not even a little bit.  I could feel Lucy’s discomfort.  I could feel the hurt coursing through Lauren though she'd never admit it.  At least not to me and certainly never out loud.  Making her confront her own bullshit was almost therapeutic.  I don't hide from shouldering some of the blame for our failed marriage, but I refuse to shoulder all of it.

For months, all she did was paint me as some womanizing monster.  That I was solely responsible for the dissolution of our union.  All the while neglecting to be entirely truthful.  Yes, I was a womanizer once upon a time.  I still feel guilty for that even today and maybe I should.  But what most fail to see, because she's been so busy painting a different portrait and I've been busy being steadfast in not airing our dirty laundry in public, is that that was part of our arrangement when we wed.

Does it make it right?  That's for others to judge but I'm dead ass tired of letting her only tell parts of the story that look favorable to her and detrimental to me.

She.

Did it.

Too.

”Stop looking through my place!” Lauren demanded as I went from room to room searching for anything that would give me a reason not to let Frankie come here.

She had no footing.  She left.  She abandoned the life we built.  She went months not even so much as sending Frankie a text.  I was well within my rights as a man and a father to deny her to her face and make her go to court to win the right to see him.

If I was a petty man, perhaps I would.  She doesn't have the financial well being to compete with me in court.  I very easily could have dragged it out for months, probably even years which undoubtedly would've stressed her financially.  Contrary to some opinions, I don't use my money and influence except in the most extreme of cases.

”Leander!” she cried out as I ignored her pleas.

”Oooo what do we have here?” I asked as I found something extremely familiar to me beneath what I can only assume is her pillow.

Pulling it out, all I could do was shake my head.  All these months, I thought it had remained locked beneath the seat in my truck.  Instead, my Desert Eagle pistol resided in her grubby little hands.

”Have you ever used it?” I asked to no reply.  ”Well if I'm letting Frankie spend the holidays here, then I feel a little better knowing you have something to protect him with.

“One suggestion though, think about goin’ to a range somewhere and learn how to fuckin’ fire it properly,” I advised before replacing the overpowered pistol back beneath her pillow.

Naturally, I made a mental note to report that gun stolen.

”I don't deserve this from you,” Lauren protested as I finished my top to bottom search of her apartment and returned to the living room.

”Excuse me?” I questioned incredulously.

”This is an invasion of…”

”Fuck your privacy!” I yelled.

I'm not typically a super aggressive person.  That's just not my demeanor.  It's not my way but months and months of silence and pent up frustration.  Months of Lauren slandering me publicly.  Months of her villainizing me for her choices… it just hit a crescendo.

”You don't get to fucking choose!” I shouted in her face.  ”Frankie’s safety is priority number one and I'll be damned if I let him spend a couple weeks 1500 miles away from me without seeing it first hand!”

”I don't get how you think…”

”No, Lauren!  Shut the hole in your face! You've done nothing but talk shit on me since the moment you left so yeah… it's my turn.”

In that moment, I thought about what grievances to air. I thought about how much hurt had been balled up inside.

”Stop blaming me for your shitty choices,” I began.  ”You don't get to blame me anymore for your brother's death!  I was there!  I had the gun!  And I didn't pull the trigger when I damn well should have because I thought of you!

“I waited, Lauren!  For months, I waited for you to come talk to me. To open up.  Because God knows I have been in your shoes and every time I tried to open my mouth, every time I tried to get you to talk about it, you shut me down.  You walked out.  You avoided that conversation like the fucking plague.

“Every fight we ever had, even when you hit me with lamps, even when I had to get stitches in the back of my head because you're an unnecessarily violent piece of shit, I stayed…” I paused.

”I stayed because I loved you, “ I concluded.

”Right,” she started to fire back.  ”You loved me so much you couldn't stay out of bed with strangers.”

She turned to Lucy.

”Are you watching, dear?  Are you listening?  If he ever knocks you up, don't ever lose that child.  If you do, you're in for exactly what he did to me.”

”You've gotta be kidding,” Lucy said in disbelief.

”Come off it, Lauren!”

”What!?  You don’t want me telling your new little girlfriend that you're a cheating piece of shit?  You don’t want me to tell her that when we lost Gracie your only response was to fuck other women?”

”I knew that already, actually,” Lucy informed her.

Lauren darted her head back to Lucy.  “Isn't that cute?” she asked sarcastically before she darted her head back to me.  ”There’s another one for you, Thaddeus.  You pulled the wool over…”

”Guys…” Brandon tried to intervene.

”Shut the hell up, Brandon,” Lauren demanded, not once taking her eyes from mine.

”You blew it,” I said quietly.  ”When we came out the other side of Gracie… we were stronger than we'd ever been.  More united than we'd ever been.”

”I don't wanna hear…”

”Lauren…”

”Shut the fuck up Brandon,” I demanded.

”I'm just saying, that…”

Before letting another word fall from his lips I shoved him as hard as I could.  I am certainly not the biggest guy in the world but I'm certainly far stronger than I look.  Brandon never had a chance as he flew backward full force, tripped over the sofa and both he and the sofa toppled backward.

Message sent.

No, I didn't feel good about that either.

”Are you done?” Lauren asked quietly.

”With you? Yes.  Done protecting my son?” I paused and emitted a scoff.  “We both know the answer to that question.”

”Well you've seen the place,” Lauren started.  ”Is it up to your cushy standards?  Can he come stay or what?”

I thought long and hard.  A huge part of me wanted to hurt her like she had constantly hurt me.

”I'm not you,” I began which made her scrunch her face.

”What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” she demanded.

”You hurt me with your silence for months.  You hurt me by calling my kids parasites.  You hurt me by leaving while I was gone like the coward you are.  You hurt me by serving me divorce papers while I was on a sabbatical in the desert trying like hell to get my head right.  You hurt me by cutting off the only person on the planet that chose you to be his mother.  You hurt me by constantly pointing every finger at me when your decision was based on your own pattern of selfishness.  You hurt me by trying to take my son over my birthday,” I paused.

”I-I-I didn't even think of that,” she stammered.  It was the first honest thing she said in nearly a year.

”No, you never did,” I replied.  Admittedly, this is such a small thing, but it still hurt and I never spoke up about it.  ”More than two years together and never once did you think to even wish me a happy birthday.  Hell, I was so important to you that you never even knew when our anniversary was.

“But I'm not you, Lauren.  While every fiber of my being is pushing me to punish you for everything, I'd never use my own feelings for you as a means to weaponize Frankie against you.

“I came here looking for any reason to put an end to this nonsense.  I came here looking for a reason to say fuck you.” I finally concluded.

”Well you didn't find any, so I guess that means you trust me,” Lauren said, drawing her own conclusions.

”Pffft,” I scoffed.  ”Only an idiot would trust you.

“But I do trust that you'd never willingly put Frankie in harms way,” I stated.

”Never,” she said quietly.

For the first time since she left, I saw real, honest to God emotion in her face.  It was the part of her I loved.  Lauren wasn't everything people said she was.  She had layers like everyone else.  Rarely did she show emotion to the outside world.  She thought it made her look weak.

It didn't.

It just made her human.

That's what scared her.

”I'll bring him,” I finally stated.  ”But he's home by January 2nd.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  No excuses.  No ignoring my calls.

“I found you pretty damn easily tonight,” I smiled.  ”Think how much easier it'll be if I have to do it again.”

Without saying another word, I grabbed Lucy by the hand and we both exited Lauren's apartment.  The door slammed behind us.

A short time later her and I were on the highway and headed back to the plane.  With her fingers locked with mine, the ride back was quiet until near the end.

”Do you feel any better?” Lucy asked.

”Meh, maybe a little, but not a ton if I'm being honest with myself,” I replied.

”Just being there, it felt like you had so much you needed off your chest,” she observed accurately.  ”If nothing else, now she knows exactly how you feel.”

”A lot of good that does,” I said sarcastically.

”It does more than you think,” she offered.  ”You held all of that in for far too long.  It's off your chest now.  Now you can really start healing all those wounds.

“Lauren too, for that matter.”

”That couldn't have been comfortable for you, I'm sorry,” I said.

”It wasn't really, but don't be sorry,” she said as we slowly rolled through the private gate at O’Hare.  Just ahead, the belly cargo door to my plane began lowering.  ”I'm with you all the way.”

I've been hesitant to sign those divorce papers.  A big part of me thought the separation with Lauren was temporary.  I thought for a while that at some point Lauren would stop acting like an idiot and just come back home.

Our marriage survived a lot.  Adultery, by both of us, but was definitely far more me than her.  Screaming matches that were more her than me.  Domestic violence that was 100% her.  We even survived the loss of Gracie that threatened to tear us asunder.  We outlasted all of the naysayers' initial predictions.

In the end, we were too different.  We were brought up differently.  We hailed from two different worlds.  I was born with more money than even my eventual great grandchildren will ever need.  She was born into extreme poverty.

I hope she knows how hard I tried.  I failed as a husband to her in more ways than I care to count.  There's nothing I can do to change that.  I hope she knows that once upon a time I loved her more than anyone I'd ever known aside from my three kids.  I hope she knows that part of me always will.

In the end… what we couldn't survive was each other.

After slowly pulling the truck into the cargo bay, I killed the engine as the flight crew immediately went to work strapping her into the hold.  I looked at Lucy with a smile on my face and a tear streaming down my cheek.

”What?” she asked while unable to hide her smile.

Everytime I looked at her, she smiled big and bright.  She had a smile that was as luminous as a thousand burning stars and it never failed to make my heart flutter.  It has never failed to make me feel warm.

To this day I'm not even certain that we've ever told each other those three simple words.  At least not out loud.  Hell, I'm not even sure if we need to.  It's almost as if it's something that's just understood with a look here or a glance there.

To answer Cher's question, yes there is life after love.  There's also love after love.

”Nothin’,” I replied while not even trying to hide mine.

Get yourself a woman that sees you the way Lucy Wylde sees me.