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Unknown Soldier · (09-27-2013)

{\/\/\} Static fuzzes into focus for commercial. {\/\/\}

Standing in the middle of a sea of white nothing is a tall slender man in a tall slender white suite with a white tie and white top hat. He brings a microphone to his lips.

Man in White: "Welcome back to another edition of SATAN!C sermons of the urban dictionary! and now....

...Heeeeeeeeere's SATAN!"

1. "Make it raYne"

Definition: This effect is created as a way of commanding or implicating attention upon yourself by whatever means possible.

Used in a Sentence: Unknown Soldier was happy to 'Make it RaYne' all over the XWF until they all Hail SATAN!

{\/\/\} Static fuzzes back and forth until it's time to start the movie. {\/\/\}

Scene opens abruptly in your face like one of those old school theater productions that start out with a plain white background and numbers counting down. You know, when you are at the movies and all the stupid fucking previews that have no relevance to the movie you are actually going to see finally finishes

When the reel turns for the movie and you see the black numbers....

3...

2...

1...

Somewhere;

...between the world we live and the millions of dimensions that exist outside the hemisphere of our universe, their lived an old woman who lived in a shoe.

Very similar to that one nursery rhyme in many facets, but at the same time not that story. Did you really think I would be that pathetic to copy that story?

Oh you did now?

Well how about this then...

Billions of years ago and on a planet far, far away.

Further away then any of the Star Wars planets even...

Their lived a planet full of monkeys, gorillas, apes, and chimpanzees. Ironically and with plenty of copyright infringement, this planet was called 'Congo.' But since that movie was nothing but a rip off of 'Planet of the Apes' anyways, we here at the SATAN! television network figured it was fair game.

Now, as many of you SATAN! worshipers know, with every society in existence their is always an opposing force causing a conflict. Lion hunts deer. Tupac versus Biggie. Syrian civil war. I think you get the picture.

No society of man nor monkey exists without an entity who operates in the direct contrast of said societies goals.

For you see, just like in the prejudice of man their lie the racism that exists within the planet of Congo. Causing many similar forms of racism that you would see relevant to American Earth.

For instance...

For a monkey to call a chimpanzee a 'chimp' in Congo would be the equivalent to calling a black person a

in American Earth terminology. That is, unless the person using the word is an actual chimpanzee itself, then that makes everything 'gangsta' or 'bananas' as they would say in Congo.

In fact, the only way to really explain the feud between the chimpanzees and the monkeys on the planet Congo is by using the word 'gangsta.' I mean, Congo has had it's battles for years and years for the supremacy of all the land, but nothing can compare to the blood feud between the monkey and chimpanzee factions. It may be considered one of the bloodiest civil wars EVER... more than Bosnia, Somalia, and Syria combined!

Racial tensions amongst the citizens of Congo grew through constant problems instigated by the monkeys. Primarily circumnavigated around the fact that these monkeys were just mega huge dicks. Figuratively and literally. They had much larger of these male utensils and it made them far superior to the chimpanzee tribe in many ways, as is the case with just about any male species. Constantly they would berate the chimpanzee tribe by burning their banana harvests and the hailing of thrown feces in their faces when it was beyond the act of teasing and common decency.

That is...

until one day...

The Chimps got revenge...

When they grabbed the biggest dick the monkeys had.

They just couldn't believe their eyes when they finally got their hands on it.

Grabbed it HARD and FAST!

Before it could bite off their own dicks.

The future monkey king was captured by the chimpanzees and the ancient ritual of eternal damnation to the evil lord SATAN! had now begun.

Lightning illuminates the sky as our scene envelopes into a dark night filled with rain and treacherous thunder. As the sound cracks across the sky the ground pulsates like a cell phone set to vibrate. The rain is so constant and thick that it distorts any line of sight across the skyline. Peripheral vision is almost a non existent and the only sense of visibility is within the parameters of holding a hand up to your face. Deep in the distance the sound of chirping chimpanzees squawks as our moving scene halts near a building with no windows covered in thick bars and reinforced steel. The dungeon.

---->INSIDE<----

The ground was thick and covered in feces, monkey fur, and cigarette butts. The only light was emancipating off a cigarette the flickered between the upper lip and whiskers of the future monkey king of Congo. That... and the rage burning in his eyes that was fueled by the hatred billowing in his soul. Hatred he would unleash as soon as that door....

------> OPENED

...the chimpanzee behind it would certainly not enjoy the result of the monkey's billowing rage.

SNAP!

Crackle!

Pop!

...The sound of a monkey biting off a chimpanzee's dick is just like Rice Krispies!

{\/\/\} Static fuzzes into focus for commercial to avoid dick biting scene and avert your attention to cereal. {\/\/\}

{\/\/\} Static fuzzes back to scene with blood everywhere and a dick getting slurped up and swallowed. {\/\/\}

The chimpanzee guards eventually wrestled this dick biting, blood soaked, and chain smoking monkey to the ground after minutes of struggling to contain his viscous bite. When they pull him from the dungeon, the crowd of anxiously awaiting chimpanzees howl at the moon like banshees. The brave balls of those chimps that went after this monkey were now stringing him to a crucifix where he would confront the high Chimp Priest.

Priest: "HAIL SATAN!"

Chimpanzee Crowd: "HAIL SATAN!"

Unknown Soldier: "HAIL SATAN!"

The command jumps all SATAN! worshipers at attention which causes the television set that you were just watching to collapse to the ground and shatter to a million pieces.

{\/\/\} Fuzzing out for one last time. {\/\/\}

Dante Kyllen: "Great... Great! That's the seventh television this week Soldier!"

Unknown Soldier: "I can't help it Dante. Not having an orgasm every time I hear about SATAN! is like asking Barney Green to lay off the Trannies!"

The exact location where we were sitting down watching SATAN! TV with Unknown Soldier is a dark, lonely alley. The wind howls through the street corners blending with the stenches lingering off Unknown Soldier's dilapidated body. For two months he has staggered across the streets of California. Finally stumbling amongst the slums of San Diego. For an entire month he was lost outside the XWF. Much easier to do than you think...

When you smoke a quarter pound of crystal methamphetamine a day.

Six pounds less and six teeth later, we're back to where we left off just over a month ago.

Unknown Soldier: "Captain! Where are you Captain!"

Dante Kyllen: "Oh no, not with this again... Damn you SATAN! TV and your infernal subliminal messages!"

Unknown Soldier: "Captain Crank! I need my fix! Captain Crank!"

Dante Kyllen: "You mean Captain Crunch! The guy in the commercial!"

Unknown Soldier: "Cereal and Meth are both my fix though."

Dante Kyllen: "I think you've gone crazy Soldier, you're talking to yourself again."

Unknown Soldier: "It's true that I may have been too high to find my way into an XWF ring in almost two months, but I'm not high enough to forget how pathetic Barney Green's long career has been in it. Are you aware Barney, that I became more relevant in XWF in my first month than anything you accomplished in four years? Then he has the nerve to come at me with his former accolades? I made a mockery of the Xtreme Championship by giving the title to Crimson Dong.

The former XWF World Championship means dick. Doesn't even exist anymore in case you didn't notice? Or did you go and eat your brain during a midnight snack? Who did you win that title from anyway? Dark Shadow or something? Probably, knowing how pathetic the era was at that time...

If you actually think you can intimidate me by throwing your accolades around you are sadly mistaken.

Maybe you should try throwing your weight around since you got plenty of it... Oh look, a fat joke.

Those are popular around here these days, and since the ones about Gilmour seem to get quite the chuckles I figure anything I have to say about Barney has got to be twice as good. Since he's twice as big.

Which gets me thinking?

If I've beaten Peter Gilmour twice is that the equivalent of beating Barney once?

Pound for Pound?

You see the difference between you and me Barney is simple...

I know how to 'Make it Rayne'

Normally; shemales falling from the sky would be something you'd cherish... Ain't that right Barney Boy...

But the difference between us is that I command the attention, while you seek a response to your past accolades. When I arrived in the XWF I not only earned my respect. I demanded it! By whatever means necessary I will get the attention of the XWF world (Make it Rayne) again and be known as the single greatest wrestler of all time.

I ignore the legacy of my past and demand the attention for the future.

You revel in the past and live on memories that have no meaning.

That is why I will win this match on Saturday.

The floor is all yours big boy. I'll just climb up the turnbuckle where your fat ass can't get me."

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode I make it raYne on the XWF(You Hoes)!
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