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Unknown Soldier · (07-07-2013)

Just a typical, run of the mill, average Saturday afternoon was unfolding on a nonsensical and nostalgic day on the corner of "Fuck" St. and "Jesus" Ave. Ironically enough, this is from which our SATAN! loving antagonist Unknown Soldier emancipates his anemic figure from some dark shadows, or possibly rising from the pits of hell... Or maybe teleported through a vortex of evil planted by a residual haunting. Anything is possible... When they call you SATAN!

I'm #1 and #696 on Hunter Payne's demon lover list and today I'm here to let you dive deeper amongst the Mind of Mine Madness Manipulated Manually Minus Magnificent Membranes and/or Mentalities.

Let's watch as my puppet of SATAN!C servitude serves sermons to silly swine (Hunter Payne), sexual subtracted servants (Dean Moxley), and the secretly sexually stonewalled (Dwayne Johnson).

Watch as I humiliate them and the XWF Trios titles at the same time while My Soldier feeds off their lower intestines by sucking them through their assholes.

Watch...

As Unknown Soldier strolls with a slight hobble in his step between the two road signs that met at a four way stop. If Quasimodo had a thorn in his foot the size of a scimitar; it still wouldn't compare to the way that our dastardly villain hobbles up towards a view where more of his features are visible to mine eye. As many of you may or may not know, persons whom may be seeing Unknown Soldier for the first time. Always assume (1)hygiene, (2)clothing, and (3)sanity are usually missing in some way, shape, or form from the interior of his actions to the exterior of his body. I hate having to introduce all these mindless semantics to the newcomers of my SATAN!C lectures. But let's make it easy on you by giving you an example. For instance, today he is (1)Smelling of raw sewage after taking a bath in a septic tank. (2)Missing his undergarments, yet still wearing a mini skirt he borrowed from Crimson Dong for the William Belli concert. (3)Appearing to be about 67% sane; which is rather high for him I might add.

What appears to be dragging him down is his Trios title. Like a prisoner on his ball and chain he walks with it flopping behind his every step like an anchor bouncing off the bottom of the ocean. Hobbling his way up to a large warehouse with big golden letters displayed on the side "American Jewelry and Loan." It is the home of the city's biggest and baddest pawn shop.

It is here where my demonic land dweller will dispose of the XWF Trios title that pulls him down like a pit of quick sand. Upon entering the store, immediate attention is drawn towards his prescience. If you were paying attention earlier I'm sure you can guess why. Even for a pawn shop in the slums of Detroit, Unknown Soldier still manages to stick out in front of a crowd. He is first greeted by what appears to be a human being spliced as a cross between Rosie O'Donnell and a hippopotamus.

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Rosie Hippo: "How can I help you today sir."

Unknown Soldier: "Yes, I'd like to sell my XWF Trio's title please."

Rosie Hippo: "This appears to be authentic sir... How about $5?"

Unknown Soldier: "I was thinking more along the lines of Hunter Payne's flesh and blood?"

Rosie Hippo: "I'm sorry I don't understand."

Body guards have already made their way towards the scene from behind Soldier as is standard protocol in this pawn shop.

Unknown Soldier: "Well, I just thought that if Hunter Payne was stupid enough to sacrifice himself to me in the middle of the ring for a chance to have it. Then it should have been worth that at least."

Rosie Hippo: "Sir, where are you from?"

Unknown Soldier: "Norway, but some call it the seventh layer of hell."

At his point Rosie motions for the bouncers to escort this maniac outside the building. Soldier fights very little as he's shoved out the front door like he was a can being kicked down the street.

On and on he marches. Seconds become minutes become hours become days become weeks until he finally reaches another large warehouse building. This time surrounded by lights, prostitutes, and taxi cabs carrying tourists in by the dozens. 'Gold and Silver Pawn Shop.'

Snow White's eighth and fattest dwarf "Chum" steps up to greet him.

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Chum: "What can I do for you sir?"

Unknown Soldier: "I'd like to sell this XWF Trios Title belt please.."

Chum: "Everything seems to be in order... How about $4.50?"

Unknown Soldier: "How about the innocence of a child?"

Chum: "Excuse me?"

Unknown Soldier: "What that's not funny? It works for Dean!"

In similar fashion he is escorted out of the building and tossed like a rag doll into the side streets. Tucking himself up like a basketball and bouncing down the street as if something from a cartoon or comic book for a period of five blocks. After which his body contorts out of the sphere and into a walking and talking Unknown Soldier. The dark alleys drip water from a recent rain shower off the tops of the buildings. The droplets landing and the patter of his footsteps come to an immediate halt. Soldier stops and pivots to place his back against the wall and slithers down the side of it into a crouched position. He holds the XWF Trios title in his hand.

Unknown Soldier: "Does this really mean anything to any of you? Think about it Dean, Rock, and Payne. Do you really want to win a title that only Peter Gilmour finds important. Pete's my partner and all, but let's be honest he's basically irrelevant. If he wants to feast on my table scraps then by all means, but I'm not holding any sense of pride by a Title that is holding me down less as much proving anything of benefit. I mean let's face it, the three of you combined can't even attempt to compete with me. Let's start with the pimple that first protruded it's head out of the ground and spoke out against me, the ignorant dwilt named Hunter Payne. Please tell me that you are adopted, because their is NO WAY that some Spanish Mamacita named her son the most hillbilly hick name south of the States, HUNTER! Are you fucking kidding me MaMa Payne? That's like a NAZI with the name Joseph. But I shouldn't judge a character by the mistakes of his bimbo mother, instead let's just let Hunter do that for himself. In the past weeks he's shot his mouth out constantly across the XWF about the over abundance of 'demon lovers.' Old and unoriginal gimmick he says."

Soldier scoffs and laughs for a brief moment before continuing.

Unknown Soldier: "That's funny, considering the man saying it can't come up with a more creative way to shoot a promo other than a podcast show. What number are we up to now? 16? 17? Pretty soon their will be more Hunter Payne pod casts than 'demon lovers' in this fed. Then what Hunter? I Know! How about you take all your cameras and equipment and start a ghost hunting expedition so you can stop all the 'demon lovers' with your amazing camcorder skills. Because it's obvious you don't have near enough talent to try and stop me in the ring. You know how I know? Because the best thing you can come up with is reciting the fact that nobody has challenged us for the Trio Titles."

Unknown Soldier: "Yeah, duh Captain Obvious! Now tell me why that is? Is it because we are John Madison hiding behind a wall of Shane

protecting his crown? No, you dipshit. Holy Mother of SATAN! Hunter! I'd be more than happy to enjoy a few appetizers such as yourself and this little team you've organized. Team "Molesting a Payne in my Shlong." In fact, the only thing remotely worthwhile is the small pecking of jobbers that will line up to come challenge for this title. The really sad part is this time I won't even need Peter Gilmour to do it let alone Mister Mystery!"

Unknown Soldier: "It's the only thing I've got keeping me alive until I dine on Madison Meat! So I think you for that Hunter. For now I feast on XWF's road kill."

Unknown Soldier: "Which brings me to jealous jerk-off #2 of this pitiful thing Hunter Payne calls a team. Jealous because he'll never be as funny as 'The Great One.' No, not The Rock you idiots... Crimson Dong. Dwayne "The Schlong" Johnson. Hey! Newsflash dude! We already have a super creepy, sexually frustrated, bisexual freakazoid

in the XWF and he's my good friend THE Crimson Dong. If I'm part of a huge elaborate 'dark character' copycat gimmick scheme that Hunter Payne alludes to, then this Dwayne Johnson character that you've picked couldn't be more hypocritical to that opinion? Don't you think so Hunter? He's not only managed to rip off XWF (Crimson Dong) but the WWE as well! This wasn't my argument now remember. This is what YOU'VE been bitching about! Yet, here you are picking up teammates who contradict every piece of trash talk you've ever thrown at me or any of your other '696 demon lover' opponents EVER! So there ya go Hunter. Your life story (17 pod casts) wrapped up in five minutes."

After the final word courses through the ends of his lips he turns to begin walking down the alley again. Still walking with his monotonous limp that keeps him straddled from progressing quickly. The ravenous blood sick creature makes his way down the streets again as he blends in a crowd of random street folk rif-raff pedestrians. His SATAN!C blood sniffing senses begin to operate in overdrive as he seeks out his next victim. His nose works like a canine's as he finds the first pregnant woman walking down the street. Don't ask me how, because you would think an ovulating female would be more likely to receive a scent on his nose. But, anyways...

She takes a right down another alleyway as Soldier sneaks behind her. Jumping from rooftop to rooftop of this alley like a flying squirrel. He watches her every move hovering above her until she's far enough from the sight of traffic when...

SNAP!

Unknown Soldier bounds on top of the fat female while her screams are dosed when Soldier shoves his middle and index finger down her throat while tearing back the roof of her mouth. This gives him long enough time to silence her before a quick snap of her neck in two pieces. It looked as if a midget just tackled a bear to the ground and subdued it. His small stature to her large gut. The reflection in the back of the butcher knife that he now wielded was that of Jason Vorhees.

Unknown Soldier: "What the hell?"

Soldier shakes the knife violently back and forth like he was trying to 'shake up' the snow in a Christmas globe. The reflection is now Michael Myers.

Unknown Soldier: "That's better!"

Then begins to carve up the inside of the pregnant woman's belly like a jack o lantern. Soldier first pulls out her small intestines and snarls and hisses as the cartilage wedges itself between his teeth.

Unknown Soldier: "Small intestines! and this time I don't even have to suck it out her ass!"

He'd love to sit and feast but he knows that the ultimate goal of this ordeal was to make an example of that laughable loser known as Dean Moxley McGovern.

Unknown Soldier: "There it is!"

And in all it's glory the baby fetus shined like a star on a cloudless dark night. Fireworks erupted somewhere over the horizon and a comet soared over the sky. If I didn't know any better, I'd have to say it's the depiction of baby jesus laying in a manger all peaceful and cute like.

Until it is then violently ravaged in every orifice in it's body by Soldier's fingers, penis, and knife.

(The following scene can only be seen if you have the SATAN! app downloaded on your phone.)

Unknown Soldier: "I don't think there's much else to say to you now Dean. Dean likes them before they get any grass on the playing field. I like mine raw. I just raped a fetus... sup now bitch?"

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Down at the pawn shop I rape a fetus. (Trio Titles)
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