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(04-01-2½)YOU ARE QUANTUM MECHANICALLY OBLIGATED TO SHOVE-IT AND SIMULTANEOUSLY NOT
Author Message
Notorious Ned Kaye Offline
per cogitabat, per facis



XWF FanBase:
The IWC

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)


Post: #1
04-01-2022 11:11 PM

OOC: Like any good Ned Kaye post, it's starting out it's release unformatted. Gotta finish my rpg session. Love you all

LIVE FROM THE SALT MINE MASSACRE REMEMBRANCE ARENA(Formerly KFC YUM! Center)



LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY


FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY... AGAIN (Presented to you thanks to The GLaP, The FXW, Paramount + XXX, Goth iHop, and our remaining viewers like you. Thank you.)


YOU ARE QUANTUM MECHANICALLY OBLIGATED TO SHOVE-IT AND SIMULETANEOUSLY NOT SHOVE-IT
Presented by Joey Give-Long-and-Prosper and the Federation of X-Treme Wrestling

(Logo only available in post 1.)


Jim Beam
- vs -
Scarf Quayson
Fishbowl Match
The match takes place in a large glass tank with a single pipe pumping in a lot of water. The goal of the two competitors is to escape the tank as it slowly fills with water without breaking the glass. Two large fishnets are draped over opposite ends of the tank to provide a way to climb out.


Stipulation Shuffle Battle Royal
Starts as a standard Over-the-Top Elimination Battle Royal. Every 3 minutes, a new stipulation is chosen from The Wheel and the new rules will apply to all competitors. Open to all who opted-in and even those who did not.


Lightning Hands
- vs -
Cracker Seahouse (w/ Jim Braun)
Winner by Pinnedfall
You can only win by being pinned by your opponent.


Korey X Smyth
- vs -
Neo Ryce
Loser Stays in Town Match
The winner of the match will depart the FXW. The loser has to stay.


Professor Francis Sa'Tonn
- vs -
"Haterman" Vanny Line
Pit Ladder Match
A briefcase containing a contract for ownership of the FXW is lowered to the bottom of a concerningly deep pit with multiple levels on the way down. Ladders will be available ringside to assist in navigating down the pit.






America © (Represented by Sean Peacestein)
- vs -
Stipulation Shuffle Battle Royal Victor
Title Match for the
Universal Consolation Prize




HH: "Hey folks! Sorry for the slightly longer than average commericial time!"

Pip: "Wait. Why paper view have commericial? Also year long commericial??"

HH: "There you go talking nonsense again Pip, clearly the date is April 1st. It's only been about ten minutes or so! Anyway, how did you spend your break time in-between commercials, Pip?"

Pip: "Ooh! Pip exist in strange place of no exist! Not alive or dead. Pip could think, but not talk or scream or hate or love. Like big void. No end, only Shove-It show. Forever. You?"

HH: "I had a coffee, can't complain. We're onto our next, highly anticipated match between Jim Beam & Scarf Quayson! Both will be inside of a giant fishtank and have to escape and wrestle as it fills with water! The first to escape via use of the fishnets on the sides of the tank will be victorious! Look, they've set up the battlegrounds already."

The area where the ring once sat has been replaced extensively by a large, glass container with various bits of coral and appropriate furnishings for a fishbowl, including sand and miniature castles complete with drawbridges. The crowd seems a tad bored, having turned on the show about four months ago, yet the irony of it continuing has a won a few folks back. Still, they explode as the entrance music for a fan favorite finally hits. The lights in the arena glow a sterling silver as pink and blue lasers cut through the atmosphere and it looks appropriate amounts of rad. As Theiving Magpie hits, he makes his way down the entrance ramp.

(Theiving Magpie by Rossini)

(Picture of Marko Stunt)

HH: "LOOK WHO IT IS!"

Pip: "Ooh! It Jim Beam!"

Jim Beam struts with the exaggerated swagger of a true walker in-between the lines. As he approaches the middle of the ramp, he takes a moment to raise a hand up above his eyebrows and peers out into the crowd. In a quick moment, he rushes down the rest of the rampway and, like a spider monkey, pulls himself to the top of the glass, sitting on the tank as he flexes his muscles and gestures for the FXW fans in attendance, who begin to chant accordingly.

"FUCK EM' UP, JIM BEAM, FUCK EM' UP!"

But in the middle of their raucous chants, they are cut off by the entrance music of the other half of this confrontation.

(Breakaway by Big Pig)

(Picture of ???)

Breakaway begins to play and with it comes one of the most popular wrestlers in all of the Federation of X-Treme Wrestling. The crowd begins to stomp their feet in tune with the music as Scarf Quayson approaches, wiping the dirt from his freshly tended lawn from his arms with a towel. He teases his classic superkick as he confidently walks to towards the tank, eyes locked with his opponent as the crowd unianimously cheers for cleanest man to ever practice handy work.

Pip: "Scarf look ready! More friendly than little Beam!"

HH: "That's true, Pip! While Jim is nowhere as despicable as some people such as Ned Kaye or Vanny Line, he's certainly a little more prone to misdeeds than Mr. Quayson. Jim is at least very polite whenever he bends the rules. It'll be interesting to see how long until this match becomes more of a fight than a traditional wrestling match."

Pip: "Wait. What traditonal about splash match?"

HH: "Fair point, Pip. I'll give you a can of green beans after the show, how bout that?"

Pip: "Pip favorite!"

Pip claps happily for his promised after show treat as the Ref-O-Tron inside of the tank checks both of the compeititors and ensures they are secure after climbing the fishnets draped on the side of the enclosure. A large pipe extends from the top of the of the rafters, prepared to begin filling the "fishbowl" with water. With a final bit of assurance, the Ref-O-Tron calls for the bell! Immediately, the pipe begins to shoot water into the glass structure, pouring all over the Ref-O-Tron and shorting it out instantly.

HH: "That's the fastest I have EVER seen a referee get taken down! Looks like we'll be waiting on a replacement for a moment!"

Both competitors lunge forward at one another, knowing that the other is equally as fast and trying to leave nothing up to chance! Water slowly begins to creep up their boots, but their focus is on each other as they lock up. Scarf attempts to lift up the deceptively small light-heavyweight, only to be arm dragged himself. After briefly disorienting his opponent, Beam rolls out of the arm drag, using Scarf as a springboard and grabbing hold of the fishnet halfway up! As Scarf splashes in the water, he pulls himself quickly, seeing his opportunity nearly slip away from him!

Pip: "Scarf need think fast!"

Scarf takes his scarf off uses it to latch on carefully around Beam's neck, climbing up above the smaller man and delivering a hurricanrana off the fishnets! They plummet into the water below, already enveloping their prone bodies as it steadily rises!

HH: "This match is fast paced by design, but these two seem to want to bring out everything they can as soon as possible!"

Jim lifts himself from the water that now reaches up to his lower thighs, looking visibly panicked as more of it continues to accumulate! Scarf takes his chance and superkicks Beam in the face! Beam stumbles backwards, but stays standing somehow! Scarf calls for it again! SUPERKICK! AND AGAIN! SUPERKICK SINGULARITY! SCARF BEGINS HITTING SUPERKICKS SO OFTER AND FREQUENT THAT TIME AND REALITY BEGINS TO BEND SLIGHTLY, GIVING JIM JUST ENOUGH OF AN OPENING TO HIT A STANDING DROPKICK! Quayson is rocked, his ultrafast superkicks leaving him vulnerable as the crowd roars at the two trading blows. Jim barely makes it to his feet out of the dropkick, looking more concerned as the water rises.

HH: "I don't think Jim can swim, Pip!"

Pip: "He need get out quick!"

The water reaches up to Beam's neck as he struggles his way towards the fishnet, but Scarf has caught up! The height advantage Quayson has has enabled him to stay in this match! The competitors are completely soaked as the water level continues to rise, Jim struggling his way up the fishnet as they approach the top. They're both so close to the exit, but Jim is quicker and more desperate to escape! Jim Beam leaps down and takes a deep breath as Scarf continues to climb out. He looks around in confusion as the bell isn't rung.

Pip: "What going on?"

HH: "It looks like the lack of a referee has caused this match to go on further! Jim doesn't look like he wants to go in there, but there still hasn't been a replacement referee sent out yet! And if Scarf makes it out, it's very likely they'll rule the match a tie! Jim's gotta fight more if he wants to win!"

Jim slaps his cheeks slightly, trying to hype himself up to climb back up there to confront Quayson who is nearly over the top of the tank now. Jim takes a deep breath and begins climbing back up, waking the edge of the tank and building it up to a short dash as he kicks Scarf back into the water! Jim catches himself on the side and lifts up to the corner, seeing his opportunity as the fans cheer for his finisher! The Tractor Beam! Jim goes for the sunset flip onto Scarf, trying to land on the net, but misses as Quayson floats out of the way! Jim Beam is stuck underwater, caught in the net as the famous FXW Bear Referee runs out! This is Scarf's chance to change fate! Scarf doggy paddles to the edge of the tank as Jim Beam furiously thrashes underwater. Quayson pulls himself up, one step at a time on the unsteady net.....

Scarf lands outside of the tank! He's done it!

WINNER BY TANK ESCAPE
SCARF QUAYSON


As he begins to celebrate, the bear calls for the doctors before pulling Scarf's hand up! They pull out the seemingly lifeless body of Jim Beam from the tank as Scarf looks on in pure horror. Celebratory confetti falls onto Mr. Quayson and the stretcher that Jim Beam has been transported to as Scarf watches with tears in his eyes.

HH: "Uh... let's cut to commercial, everyone. C-congrats Scarf!"

Pip: "Poor, poor Beam..."

------

New episode of the FXW Vodcast! Listen now everywhere Vodcasts are found!

(youtube)


--------

HH: "Coming up next is the Stipulation Shuffle Battle Royal, a match so unique, even I don't know how to explain it!"

PIP: "Pip can! If you win, you win, you lose, uhhhhhhhhhhh............"

HH: "You don't?"

PIP: "Me Pip!"

HH: "Yes, Pip, you are."




We get a shot of a myriad of other dimensional wrestlers already in the ring as Baha Men blares over the PA system. The fans aren't sure what kind of a reaction to give as Reggie's dog, T-Feety runs down the ramp and into the ring. He pounces around the squared circle as the other competitors try to keep their distance, unsure of whether or not he's had his shots.


HH: "As ridiculous as it sounds, that there dog could become the #1 Contender to Sean Peacestein's Universal Consolation Prize later tonight!"

PIP: "Pip love aminals!"

HH: "Now, Pip, you and I both know you're not supposed to pick sides!"

PIP(sad): "Sorry."




The fans go crazy as soon as Mandy Moore's "Candy" fills the arena. Just like before, rainbows and sparkles fill the sky, making everyone in the audience want to hug and kiss each other. As they do so, Quokkana walks out onto the ramp and trots down the aisle like a majestic unicorn, stopping, once again, to hug every fan that wants one.


PIP: "Can Pip have hug NOW?"

HH: "I know it feels like a year since you last asked for one, but the answer's still NO!"

PIP(sniffling): "Pip still sad."


Quokkana goes to climb in the ring, but this time it's T-Feety who charges at her, preventing the self-proclaimed unicorn from entering.


HH: "Quokkana loves damn near everything, but I bet even she is getting sick of competing with these animals!"

PIP: "Pip. Loves. DOGGYYYYY!!!!!"

HH: "Lord knows I'M sick of working with one........."




With Quokkana still hesitant to get in the ring, "Nefarious Scientist" Ned Kaye's music hits, receiving a symphony of boos. The Nefarious Scientist pushes his way through the curtain, laughing maniacally at those who oppose him. As he heads down the aisle, his body sort of halfway phases in and out so quick, you could be forgiven for missing it.

Following her is the referee bear that called the previous match for Scarf! Scarf is presumably mourning somewhere backstage, but the bear is ready to wrestle!


HH: "It looks like Ned Kaye might be momentarily jumping between dimensions!"


Upon reaching ringside, the Nefarious Scientist takes delight in Quokkana's fear, grabbing hold of her and rolling her into the ring. Ned follows close behind, causing the refs to call for the bell, kickstarting this clusterfuck of a match.


Stipulation Shuffle Battle Royal
Starts as a standard Over-the-Top Elimination Battle Royal. Every 3 minutes, a new stipulation is chosen from The Wheel and the new rules will apply to all competitors. Open to all who opted-in and even those who did not.



HH: "Every 3 minutes, a new stip will be added to the match, replacing the old one. Over the top rope rules, with the winner being the last one left in the ring."

PIP: "Doggy!"

HH: "Yes, Pip, there's a dog in the ring. I don't know if you noticed, but there is also a goddamn bear."


Despite being forced in, Quokkana manages to crawl her way out of the fray, leaving 8 foot tall Mega Morbid in the center of the ring before the rest of the competitors.


HH: "Mega Morbid gives even YOU a run for your money, at least in terms of size. As for brains, we all know who wins that one!"


Pip unknowingly laughs as all the other wrestlers begin laying into Mega Morbid. The group of superstars proves to be too much for him to handle, as they all manage to push him over the top rope, where he lands on his feet in disbelief.

MEGA MORBID HAS BEEN ELIMINATED



PIP: "Big guy gone!"

HH: "Yes, Pip, he most certainly is!"


With the biggest man in the match gone, the FXW superstars turn their attention towards one another. T-Feety roams around the ring, biting various asses of owners who are too distracted with other opponents to notice him.

Quokkana continues to hide in the corner, that is, until Ned Kaye finally finds her. He charges at the cutesy competitor, who almost inadvertently ducks and tosses the Nefarious Scientist over the top rope. Fortunately for him, Ned manages to land on the apron and dive back in before anybody can take advantage.


HH: "A close call from the Nefarious Scientist!"


While attempting to eliminate each other, "Say No To Drugs" Kris Book and Bobby Lame end up being simultaneously dumped over the top rope by the gentlemanly duo of the Bong Bing Acquaintances.

"SAY NO TO DRUGS" KRIS BOOK AND BOBBY LAME HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED


The gentlemanly duo raise their pinkies to the sky as the glorious wheel is lowered down from the heavens like some kind of God. It hangs there for a moment, spinning as the fans in attendance eagerly await the first stip change.


HH: "This match is about to get a whole lot crazier!"


Eventually the wheel lands on BRA & PANTIES, sending the crowd into a frenzy! (Referee Bear is luckily not eliminated due to his trusty ref shirt.)


HH: "I don't like where this is going."

PIP: "Pip no wear underwear........"

HH: "Ew."

PIP: "But he DOES wear a bra!"


All of a sudden, the Acquaintances have a target on their backs, with pretty much everyone rushing to get them. Despite a huge pileup in the center of the ring, the Bong Bings manage to crawl out of it, unscathed, only for Reggie's dog to appear behind them, growling viciously.


HH: "Uh oh!"

PIP: "DOGGY!!!!!!!"


Once the Acquaintances realize what's going on, they turn around and let out a dastardly scream as T-Feety begins ripping away at their expensive suits. He doesn't stop until every last fiber, INCLUDING their underwear, has been removed!

THE BONG BING ACQUAINTANCES HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED



PIP: "Shouldn't the doggy go, too? He doesn't have ANY clothes on!"

HH: "I think, because he never started with anything on, he's safe from elimination!"

PIP(extremely happy): "Doggy."


We, once again, catch "Nefarious Scientist" Ned Kaye eyeing Quokkana down, looking almost perv like the way he holds his hands out to remove her clothes. Before he can, though, The Creative Face turns him around and scolds him for targeting a woman. He receives a thumb to the eye for his trouble, turning him around and allowing for Ned to depants him, leading to the Face's elimination RIGHT before the wheel could start spinning again.

THE CREATIVE FACE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED



HH: "Tough break for The Face, had he just left Ned Kaye alone, he'd still be in this one!"


The wheel stops on TABLE MATCH, causing nearly half the roster to climb out and begin searching for one. It ends up looking like a typical Wednesday night by the time we're done, with South Korean Legal Citizen, Famous Civilian, and Diamond all putting You Have No Clue Who This Is, Mr. Calm, and Sarah McLoughlin(yes, she's a wrestler in this universe) respectively through tables, all by BEARBOMBS from the seemingly unstoppable Ref Bear!

YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHO THIS IS, MR. CALM, AND SARAH MCLOUGHLIN HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED


HH: "Looks like they bearly saw it coming, eh, Pip?"

Hezzie nudges Pip who is merely watching for the doggy at this point.

HH: "There just ain't any good comedy anymore..."

Immediately after, South Korean Legal Citizen and Famous Civilian attack Diamond from behind and put HER through a table, as well!

DIAMOND HAS BEEN ELIMINATED



HH: "This match has turned into a trainwreck!"

PIP(gasping): "Pip LOVES trains!"


And just like that, the wheels going again.................... landing on the strange stip of a TEN BELL SALUTE!


HH: "This one's for Jim Beam!"


All the wrestlers stop to pay their respects, except for the Nefarious Scientist, who takes advantage of the situation by sneaking up on Fred Orange and throwing him over the top rope!

FRED ORANGE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED



HH: "I don't know how that worked, but it did!"


Once the ten bells are over, the wheel immediately spins again(because who needs 3 minutes, am I right guys?), eventually landing on REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL, prompting everyone in the arena to shake their heads and request the wheel to grant them a mulligan. The ever-loving wheel does so, this time stopping on the much more popular SUBMISSION MATCH.


HH: "Thank God for the wheel!"


Quokkana rolls out of the ringand opens her arms wide to a defiant South Korean Legal Citizen and Famous Civilian. She then embraces them in a warm hug, causing both men to simultaneously give up.

SOUTH KOR3AN LEGAL CITIZEN AND FAMOUS CIVILIAN HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED



HH: "We're coming down to the wire, now, with only 4 wrestlers remaining!"

PIP: "Doggy!"

HHL: "Yes, Pip, T-Feety is one of them!"


Quokkana rejoins Ned Kaye and T-Feety in the ring, with all three of them hesitant to strike. Eventually, they charge at one another and begin punching, scratching, and clawing as the wheel spins once again. Referee Bear lifts Ned up for a BEARBOMB, looking to force the Nefarious Scientist into submission by destroying the shit out of his back!


HH: "Someone in the back clearly gave up on the whole 3 minutes thing."


The wheel lands on PHASE OUT ELIMINATIONS, causing everyone in the arena to scratch their heads. After a moment, though, The Nefarious Scientist jumps away from this dimension and back, forcing his own elimination and the elimination of the Bear, who was holding him at the time of phasing.

"NEFARIOUS SCIENTIST" NED KAYE AND THE BEAR HAVE BEEN ELIMINATED



HH: "That's it, Pip, one of these remaining two will be facing Peacestein later tonight!"

PIP: "Dog. Gy."


The bear takes this defeat with relative grace, while an irate Ned Kaye phases back in, causing him to angrily charge at Lycana with a cooked fist. Right before he can punch her, though, she ducks, leaving his fist open to be bitten by T-Feety. The rabid beast refuses to let go, causing him to phase out withThe Nefarious Scientist as he does so once more, ending the match.

T-FEETY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED


WINNER OF THE MATCH AND NEW #1 CONTENDER TO THE FWX UNIVERSAL CONSOLATION PRIZE, QUOKKANA



HH: "She did it! Quokanna wins and she didn't even have to get violent to do it!"

PIP(mortified): "DOGGGGGYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?"

-------

HH: "We got a big match ahead of us, Pip! The greatest philanthropist of our times, Lightning Hands is going to be facing the scourge of our past, Cracker Seahouse, accompanied by our reviled former own, Jim Braun!"

Pip: "Jim Braun bad man!"

HH: "I'm telling ya, Pip, the wrong Jim died tonight. Oh God, here they come."

(No Chance song)

(Picture of Joseph Stalin and Vince Mcmahon)

The crowd is treated to the awful strut of Jim Braun and his classic "No Chance" theme as he and Cracker Seahouse enter the building, wearing T-shirts of "FXW 99" with the numbers considerably larger than the company logo. They taunt the fans as they march forward, prepared to show the world how far the FXW has fallen without the great roster from its past. Jim Braun smiles and waves despite his mocking, seeming to eat up every bit of attention allowed to him as he stands aside Cracker while they both stand in the ring, anticipating Seahouse's opponent.

Pip: "Pip glad they not own him anymore."

HH: "I second that, Pip. Thankfully, they won't be able to shove those smug faces around for long."

"I Saw A Tiger" begins to fill the arena as the audience nearly bursts the roof off of the building in anticpation for one of their most beloved wrestling heroes!

HH: "Get ready for lightning to strike!"

Jim and Cracker look uneasy as the entrance continues, lights and dazzling visuals adorning the F-Tron as the song fills every nook and cranny of the arena, the crowd still keeping up their immense anticipation!

HH: "...Any second now!"

Several minutes later, the music continues to play as the crowd sits in a confused state, uncertain if their beloved Lightning Hands is going to make it to the show in the midst of all of his important charity work. Tthe music fades out and then begins playing again. This happens multiple times. Jim and Cracker get more and more cocky, enjoying the dissapointment of all the fans in attendance.

HH: "Where the hell is this guy?"

Jim Braun grabs a microphone, prepared to rip the crowd to shreds.

Jim: "Looks like ol' Mr. Hands couldn't make it! No wonder he would disappoint his fans. You know why? He's not a Jim Braun gu-"

"I Saw A Tiger" starts again, but this time with Lightning Hands on the entrance ramp! He shakes hands with event organizer The GLaP while walking buy with huge sacks of F-Bux that he tosses out into the adoring crowd! Jim tosses the microphone out of the way and slinks out of the ring in awe at the philanthropist extraordinare, Lightning Hands. Cracker Seahouse looks slightly concerned, but far more confident in his abilities. Lightning takes another few minutes to get the ring after signing many blank checks and merchandise for the fans until security as to force him into the ring. The Ref-O-Tron calls for the bell!

HH: "Remember Pip, the winner of this match is whoever can get pinned by their opponent first. It's a strange stipulation, but sometimes, you gotta "lose" to win!"

Pip: "Why we no have normal matches?"

HH: "Thats an excellent question."

*DING, DING*

Cracker grabs ahold of Lightning and falls onto his back, forcing Hands's hands to his shoulders while he is prone on his back! Seahouse is trying to roll himself up for a quick victory! The Ref-O-Tron starts the count...


ONE!



TWO!



PINBREAK!


Lightning Hands breaks up the pinning predicament he was forced into delivering, squaring himself up for some combat. His eyes tell the veteran that he's not going to make this easy, despite all of his time being focused into his charity work! He's doing his classic elbow twist, letting the multi-time champion of the FXW what will happen if he comes near! Cracker waits for his moment, nearly circling his opponent before going in, but he eats an elbow strike to the dome! Lightning Hands hooks his arm around Seahouse's head and hits a brainbuster on him, falling backwards and letting his opponent hit the mat with a disgusting thud! Cracker recovers, but he's met by Hands's classic elbow clothesline! Lightning brings his the multi-time world champ to his feet before whipping him to the ropes and bouncing of the ropes behind him, but Seahouse ducks out of the way of a second clothesline attempt!

Cracker hooks his arms around Lightning and grapples his waist, pulling him to the ground! As he grapples with his opponent, he locks in a triangle arm bar on Lightning!

Pip: "No submit. Why Cracker use this move?"

HH: "He must be trying to weaken Lightning Hands's arms to prevent him from breaking up another pin! It's a fiendish plan from such an accomplished veteran."

A chorus of boos serenades Cracker as he let's LH's arm have it, but luckily, Lightning Hands makes it to the ref, forcing a break! The Ref-O-Tron counts as Seahouse continues to wrench on the arm of his opponent until the very last second, taking advantage of such lenient rulings. He yanks Lightning away from the ropes and grabs ahold of his arms, locking them together as he stepped over him and began to squat!

HH: "I've never seen this before! This is some kind of reverse Boston Crab Cracker is pulling off here!"

Lightning cries out in pain as his legs slap against the mat, finally finding a little bit of room to lift the two men up, Cracker stuck on Hands's shoulders! He twirls around and flings the veteran from his shoulders, hitting the LH-5! Lightning is clearly favoring his shoulders after the strange Boston Crab, lifting himself up carefully to the top rope as Seahouse recovers. Jim Braun tries in vain to distract the Ref-O-Tron, not realizing his tricks won't work on this newfangled technology! Lightning leaps off once Cracker has gotten to his feet, hitting a flying elbow strike, catching Seahouse off guard! He pulls Cracker onto him as he lays down, motioning for the ref!


ONE!


TW-PINBREAK!



Cracker pulls himself off of Lightning, but is clearly running off of instinct as Lightning pulls himself up using the ropes as leverage for his weakened arms, but as the Ref-O-Tron is checking on Cracker, Jim pulls something out from underneath the ring! It's.... it's.....


IT'S THE OLD FXW WORLD CONSOLATION PRIZE!

Jim slams it against the forehead of Lightning Hands, sending him plummeting to the canvas! The Ref doesn't know what happened!

Pip: "Bad man break rule like when he dock Pip pay!"

HH: "He certainly did and these two are about to steal this match because of it!"

Cracker drops to his back and yanks Lightning onto him, Hands's arm draped over the symbol of the FXW's past! The ref drops down to make the count!


ONE!




TWO!





THR-PINBREAK!

LIGHTNING HANDS HAS FORCED HIMSELF TO KEEP GOING! HE RAISES HIS ARM TO BREAK THE PIN AS CRACKER LOOKS FLABBERGASTED! JIM BRAUN FALLS OVER IN THE RINGSIDE AREA IN COMPLETE DISBELIEF! Lightning Hands takes the opportunity while Cracker is beside himself whilst laying down to catapult off of the second rope for the Lion Tamer, landing on one of his hurt elbows! He does obvious damage to Cracker, giving himself the opportunity to hit the Charitable Act! He uses his legs to help lift up Cracker before locking in and hitting the double arm DDT, much to his own chagrin. Lightning Hands lays down and begins to tug on Cracker to make the pin, but his arms are too shot! He can't get pinned!

Lightning tries to adjust on the fly, looking towards the the turnbuckles as he begins to slowly ascend, calling for his famous flying elbow! Once he finally makes it to the top, he takes a deep breath and leaps forward, but Cracker Seahouse rolls out of the way, causing Hands to land entirely on his elbow, before Lightning knows what's happening, Cracker has manuevered underneath him, forcing his damaged elbow onto the chest of Seahouse!

ONE!




TWO!



THR-PINBREAK!

Lightning Hands uses his legs to flip Cracker onto him as he lays upon his shoulders, shifting which one of them is getting pinned!

ONE!



TWO!



PINBREAK!

Cracker regains control, forcing the pin unto himself again! The Ref counts once more, but it's interrupted by another change in control until they begin to roll around the ring as the crowd roars, each one of them trying to stay on the mat when the rolling finishes! Cracker gets his foot up on the rope and Jim Braun grabs it, forcing himself to be stuck to the canvas as he holds Lightning down on top of him!


ONE!



TWO!




THREE!


WINNER BY PINNEDFALL
CRACKER SEAHOUSE

Cracker shoves Lightning off of him as he shoots up, reconvening with Braun as they walk out of the arena, being booed the entire way and lobbying insults against the current "talent" of the FXW. Jim Braun winks in the camera and gives a salivating smile as he stares into souls of those watching at home.

Braun: "Give em' hell, Ned!"

HH: "Jim, Braun must be stupid. Ned isn't going on to face Sean Peacestein. He lost the Battle Royal!"

Pip: "Or Ned have plan."

HH: "Please, Pip. The only plan Ned has right now is to figure out a way to stop blipping around. That and someway to force himself on commentary."

---------

The crowd begins to cry out in horror and pain as the entire Skrillex catalogue starts playing at cloying subsonic levels like a dog whistle. Korey X Smith slowly makes his way to the ring while completely ignoring the fans. People are vomiting already from the noise acting as entrance music while Smith smirks that assholey smirk of his and rolls into the ring. Smith carefully removes his monocle and delicately passes it to the referee before lecturing him harshly about not losing it.

HH: Of course Smith has to mansplain how to hold onto a stupid monocle…

Pip: Male dominance bad!

HH: Darn tootin’ Pip!

Pip: Neo Ryce next!

Respect and Obey Authority by Xtreme Power hits and the fans actually cheer at the end of the awful Skrillex montage while Neo Ryce pops out onto the stage and points at the ring. Ryce struts along as the fans give him a mostly mixed reaction. He climbs up the steel steps and wipes his feet obnoxiously on the ring post before entering the ring. He starts to climb up to the top rope but Smith runs over and hits him from behind, sending him tumbling out to the floor below.

HH: What a cheap shot before we’re even started!

Pip: Smith cheater!

HH: That’s right Pip, just like most men!

Pip: Bell ring!

The referee calls for the bell and the match is underway as Smith heads out to the floor. A dazed Ryce tries to collect himself but Smith drags him to his feet and then hits an atomic drop. He rolls Ryce back into the ring and slides in after him. Smith grabs hold of Ryce’s leg and tangles it in the middle rope. He then grabs hold of Ryce’s other leg while he is begging Smith not to. Smith uses the rope for leverage to do a modified wish bone on poor Ryce. He bellows in pain while Smith pulls him away from the ropes and makes a cover.















1…













2…















Kick out by Ryce!

Pip: Pip no like that move!

HH: I’ve seen worse. You know, castration can be a good thing under the right circumstances.

Pip: Pip no want to hear!

HH: Fine…

Smith gets back up while Ryce crawls to the ropes. Smith lines him up and then runs over looking to punt him right between the legs but Ryce moves and Smith kicks the ropes instead. Ryce pounces on Smith and hits a modified STO to take him down. He gets back up and bounces off the ropes before racing in and hitting a low drop kick on Smith before he can get up. Ryce pops up once more and then runs back over to the ropes. He jumps and springboards off the middle rope and hits a beautiful Neosault onto Smith before hooking a leg for the cover.














1…
















2…














Kick out by Smith!

Ryce gets back up and takes a look at the top rope while Smith is still down stunned. Ryce runs over and ascends to the top rope. He shouts something completely inaudible and leaps off with a shooting star press but as he comes down Smith pulls his knees up. Ryce crashes down hard on the raised knees and rolls around in pain, holding onto his ribs. Smith pulls himself back up while Ryce is hurt. Ryce is hauled back to his feet and Smith sets him up onto his shoulders and then hits the Balls2Sleep, driving his knee right into Ryce’s groin as he comes down. Ryce drops to the mat and Smith goes for another cover.














1…















2…














Kick out by Ryce!

HH: I really hope Neo is wearing a cup…

Pip: Prostate damage bad!

HH: This must be doing irreversible damage to Ryce here.

Pip: Seriously though, messing around with your prostate is no laughing matter. Because of the prostate, as men age, they are more likely to look at travel experiences as a series of restroom stops. Navigating to the grocery store, the gas station or to a friend's house for poker incorporates all nearby restrooms. Although not the end of the world, it may be the end of long road trips. Just like reading glasses, it's another reminder that things aren't what they were when we were younger. The prostate is about the size of a walnut and sits at the base of the penis. It wraps around the urethra, y’know, the tube that urine comes from and it must be protected at all times. Prostate injuries are no joke!

Ryce twitches and writhes on the mat while Smith gets back up and raises his arms to a loud chorus of boos. He turns and beckons for Ryce to get back to his feet but at the moment that isn’t happening. Growing impatient, Smith stomps over to the downed Ryce and drags him back up. He once again goes to hoist him up on his shoulders but Ryce tries countering into a drop down DDT. Smith reverses that into a dick punch but Ryce is able to block it with his knee. Smith stumbles back holding his hand in pain and Ryce catches him off guard with a roll up by surprise.














1…














2…















Kick out by Smith!

Both men scramble back to their feet but Ryce gains the upper hand with a leg sweep. He gets up and runs to the ropes, as he comes back Smith suddenly lunges at him with a power clothesline but Ryce ducks. He bounces off the ropes and then comes flying at Smith, hitting a big jump swinging DDT. Smith is down stunned now while Ryce gets back up to his feet. Ryce slaps his thigh and gears up for the Glorious and Eternal Stomp of the People. He goes in for the move but Smith counters it directly into a huge Gilly Cutter out of nowhere! Smith plants himself on top of Ryce for the cover.

















1…


















2…




















3!!!

Winner by pinfall, Korey X Smith!


HH: And Smith pulls off the victory!

Pip: Smith win! Smith go home!

HH: That’s right Pip! Korey just secured his opportunity to leave town!

Pip: Ryce lose! Ryce stay here forever!

HH: Well I’m not sure about forever but…wait, what’s this?

Smith ascends to the top rope but not to acknowledge the fans. Although he does pause for a moment to stare down the shirt of some chick in the front row. She’s dressed up perfectly like a steam punk Betsy Granger. Finally Smith turns away and reaches into his pocket. He fishes around for a moment before pulling out what appears to be a bus ticket. He waves it around like a championship belt while flipping off the crowd.
----------

HHL: “Folks! This next one’s a medium-sized deal! We’ve got country star, “Haterman” Vanny Line, taking on Professor Francis Sa’Tonn!”

PIP: “Is big deal, Heather! These two compete for ownership of FXW company! We talking about company with profits in the hundreds of dollars!”

HHL: “Stakes are medium, Pip!”

The two man start in the center of the ring. Inside the ring is… honestly, too many ladders. Like, a ladder in each corner, right? Also four ladders on each side of the ring. So eight? It’s already getting full.

Now, imagine the mat is lined with ladders. Vanny and Francis are actually standing on top of ladders…

BUT! They need to be because beneath the ladders… is a hole. 8 feet wide and too deep to see the bottom of.

HHL: “These two men are going to climb down to the bottom of that pit. Down there is a contract ceding 100% control of FXW to the signator!”

PIP: “Sounds reasonable to Pip. Pip Giant in size, but small in knowledge of contract law.”

The official calls for the bell.

The timekeeper brings it to him. The official puts it in his pocket.

Unrelated, the match starts.


“HATERMAN” VANNY LINE
- vs -
PROFESSOR FRANCIS SA’TONN
Pit Ladder Match


Line immediately slaps Francis across the face. Sa’Tonn cries out “Mon Dieu! How uncivilized!”

“OUTLAW COUNTRY!” Vanny delivers another strike, that drops Francis onto the pile of ladders…

But! It dislodges the pile! Both Francis and Vanny feel the ground shift beneath them… They both dive… JUST AS THE PILE GIVES OUT! A WHOLE HEAP OF LADDERS FALL DOWN THE HOLE… And after a few seconds, a distant metallic clatter can be heard at the bottom of the hole.



Somehow, both Line and Sa’Tonn have grabbed onto the side of the ring, preventing a deathly fall.

HHL: “Phew! That was a close call, yo! Imagine if we had to go on without a CEO!”

Pip: “We could convert business to employee-owned hierarchy? Then maybe give ourselves better health plan.”

HHL: “…Huh.”

Line has a steady foothold on the side of the hole, with his cowboy boots. Meanwhile, Sa’Tonn is having a much harder time, his grip weakens!

“Monsieur Line! Perhapz we may werk togezzer to descend ze hole!”

Line looks surprised.

“That’s the first time someone’s said that to me outside the bedroom, Frenchie.”

Francis, disgusted… desperately reaches forward and grabs a ladder… He holds it out to Vanny!

“Here, monsieur! Take zee Ozzer end and we shall create ze walkway…”

Line takes the other end. With some collaboration and a controlled drop, they create a precarious walkway about five feet deep in the hole.

Francis gently walks to the center of the ladder. Line drops and meets him.

“Hokay! So! We take ze rest and we do the same creating ze safe climb down!”

Suddenly, Line grabs Sa’Tonn by the collar.

“I’m a solo act, fella! An outlaw country star ain’t need no deputy!”

Line tosses Sa’Tonn off the ladder! … But the shift in weight destabilizes the standing ladder! It flips on its side! Line falls!



There’s a single set of hands hanging on the side! Line clings desperately… he tries to pull himself up… But hanging onto his leg is Francis Sa’Tonn!

HHL: “You know, for a ladder match, these guys haven’t done much climbing.”

Pip: “In Pit Ladder, much more falling than climbing.”

Line can feel he’s got too much weight hanging onto him to pull himself up…

He lifts one of his cowboy boots to kick Sa’Tonn in the face…

But Sa’Tonn instead is slipping off Line’s other boot! The boot tumbled to the bottom of the pot!

“No! Not ol Rightie!”

Sa’Tonn takes Line’s bare foot and starts scratching the underside. A pained, agonized smile spreads on Line’s face.

HHL: “Sa’Tonn gets on the board with some offense! The French Tickler!”

Pip: “I could have worked for Post Office. Or at gas station. But instead, I watch one man tickle other man in front of crowd of thousands.”

Line is cackling… He reflexively reaches down! And loses his grip!

Sa’Tonn and Line are in free-fall!



…..

KERASH! Both Line and Sa’Tonn land HARD on the pile of ladders! Sa’Tonn falls like a rag doll, rolling down the side of the ladder to the bottom of the pit. Line doesn’t get the same slow-fall, instead he hits the bottom, landing on his back with a sickening thud.

HHL: “Oh man! That fall was ugly! Both these guys took serious damage, yo!”

Pip: “Is about time someone got hurt in this match!”

At the top of the pit, the official starts counting.

1…

2…

3…

4…

5…

6…

7…

8…

9…

10!



But this match doesn’t have a double countout rule. He just wanted to see how high he could count.

HHL: “Does that guy even work here?”

Pip: “He collects paycheck, but Pip not sure he’d say ref man ‘works’.”

Unrelated to the official’s counting, Vanny and Francis both slowly start climbing back to a vertical base…

And directly between them is the contract For ownership of FXW!

…Both men, on shaky legs, stumble forward…

They both grab the side of the contract.

“Get away, you brute! You imbezile! Wiz zis company, I shall finally have ze resume to open my own line of finishing schools for young debutantes!”

Line yanks the other side.

“Get bent, ya surrender-monkey! With this here contract, ima trade ownership for a Nashville record deal!”

“NEITHER OF YOU SHALL HAVE THIS CONTRACT!”

Crawling out of the soil…

Covered in fur… With tiny black eyes!

With a golden crown on his head…

IT’S THE KING OF THE MOLE PEOPLE!

HHL: “What’s he doing in the FXW Zone!”

“You surface dwellers battle in my domain! What you battle after becomes mine!”

Francis looks at Vanny. Vanny looks back.

And they both pick up the three-and-half-foot tall king…

What? You thought he was big?

The two pick up the mole king and grab him by the arms and legs and start chicken-winging the mole king!

They swing him into the side of the wall! Sa’Toon leaps to the side… And DROPS the mole King across his knee! Hysterectomy!

The mole king rebounds into the air! Caught by Vanny Line! Who delivers a Brooks and DONE!

The Mole King looks like he’s been through a car crash.

HHL: “Do we have animal rights activists in this dimension?”

Pip: “Don’t ask Pip. Me just learn we have mole people!”

Vanny's attention is on the mole king as Francis grabs the suitcase and opens it up! He's done it!

WINNER AND OWNER OF THE FXW

FRANCIS SA'TONN


-------

The GLaP walks out to the entrance ramp to say a few words before the main event.

"I want you all to remember how important it is to be righteous, charitible, and most of all punctual. Here in this upcoming match we have two people who are consummate professionals in that way! Ya see, no one likes it when someone promises to do something and then just doesn't or does it far after it would have been acceptable. It's just common sense, people! If you want to do something right, do it on time. And fucking format it, too! Have a lovely Main Event!"

The GLaP walks away as the lights begin to dim, preparing the entrance of Quokkana. A bunch of pretty lights and dazzling rainbows hype the audience up as she jumps onto the ramp, clearly still pumped, but exhausted from her previous matches in the night. She jumps along to the music as the crowd tries their best to match her enthusiasm, but are clearly just exhausted and ready for it to be over. Still, she gets a large amount of cheering as they await their Universal Consolation Prize holder.

"IN THE FIRST CORNER, REPRESENTING HERSELF IS THE CHALLENGER, QUOKKANA, THE STUFFIE PRINCESS!"

HH: "It's been a hell of a show, Pip, but all good things must come to an end."

Pip: "Bad thing too."

HH: "Thankfully, we'll be here together for the end of this with no other commentators or other silly shit to interfere with this good, clean, honest title match between two clean, honest, wrestlers."

At that exact moment, Ned Kaye phases in behind the commentary booth a wide smile on his face despite still being covered in bear and dog marks.

Ned: "Hello, you two! Happy to be back and on tonight of all nights, too! Good to see you, Hezzie!"

HH: "Oh for the love of-"

Ned: "You two, Pip!"

Pip: "Pip not like bad man be nice..."

Ned: "Oh, please, I'm just here to call the match and enjoy the show! Can't you see that I'm a changed man! A man out of time and space if you will?"

HH: "I have no idea what the hell you are talking about, but the sooner this match is over, the sooner I no longer have to talk to you."

Pip: "Ned not change. He cheat in match all night!"

Ned: "You know, "All night" is such a relative term..."

HH: "Be quiet, Sean is coming out!"

"The Star Spangled Banner" blares over the speakers as the crowd give a thunderous pop for their beloved Universal Consolation Prize holder, Sean Peacestein! He walks out looking as humble as ever, but he limps slightly despite his wide smile and pleasant demeanor. Kaye's teeth can be heard gritting.

"AND THE CHAMPION, UNDEFEATED AFTER AN UNQUANTIFIABLE AMOUNT OF TIME, AMERICA, AS REPRESENTED BY SEAN PEACESTEIN!

HH: "That's weird. Sean should look a lot more vibrant than this! He hasn't had to wrestle two matches prior like Quokkana did!"

Ned: "Can't you see! He's representing America tonight! Because America is weak currently, Shawn is weak, too!"

HH: "I doubt it's that. You probably drugged his American made coffee."

Ned: "Please, if I put something in his coffee, he wouldn't be defending that prize out here tonight."

Pip: "Can Pip switch spot to not sit with bad Ned man?"

Ned: "No."

Sean and Quokkana shake hands in the middle of the ring as the Ref-O-Tron calls for the bell. The crowd begins dueling chants for the two beloved wrestlers.

*DING, DING*

They both attempt to approach each other without trying to resort to much in the way of violence or causing too much pain to their opponent at all! They lock up, but quickly break afterwords as they feel some strain on the end of their opponent! Neither know exactly what to do, gulping as they have to be.... MILDLY UNPLEASANT!

Peacestein gestures a cross over his chest as he begins to grapple Quokkana, using his pure wrestling capabilities to bring her to the ground. He tries to lock in a headscizzors, but she manages to break herself free!

HH: "Both are submission heavy wrestlers when they have to be. It's going to be curious if one can get the other to give up in any decent amount of time!"

Pip: "Is it after show yet..."

Hezzie sighs.

HH: "...Here are your green beans, buddy."

Pip: "Yay!"

Ned: "I much preferred being out in the cosmic unknown to all this nonsense."

HH: "Will you shut up? There's a match happening!"

Ned: "But it was cool! And I got a bunch of tantilizing artifacts! There was a temporal disturbance that caused this entire debaucle. It's truly fascinating, actually-"

HH: "Shut up! You don't own Illinois anymore, no one cares!"

Ned can be heard pouting quietly as the match continues. Sean locks in a figure four on his opponent, trying to get her to tap to the best of her ability, but Quokkana knows better and inverse the hold immediately, lifting herself up and locking in a sharpshooter on Peacestein! Peacestein is in a ton of pain as he writhes on the ground, but he has to soldier on for America! He pulls himself towards the ropes where Quokkana politely breaks as soon as he makes contact. She slips out of the ring and grabs one of her stuffed bears as Sean makes his way back to center ring, locking in a crossface with the stuffed animal on him!

HH: "Is this how America loses? I can't bear to watch!"

Sean screams out in mild discomfort as he pulls her stuffed animal off of his face, realizing he has to find the gas now or America could lose its title! He pulls himself up as she does, running into her with a devastating lariat before pulling her up and buckle bombing her swiftly!

Ned: "Sean's desperate! America must not have much left if he's going this far out! Pip, quickly, check the value of the dollar."

Pip does as instructed, pulling out his reading glasses to use his phone.

Pip: "It low!"

Ned: "I knew it!"

Sean tries to go for the Anaconda Vice, but just as he's setting up for the manuever, the value of the dollar hits zero temporarily! Quokkana has an opening! She goes for it!

The Ref-O-Tron counts!

ONE!



TWO!



THREE!



YOUR WINNER AND NEEEEEWWWWWW UNIVERSAL CONSOLATION PRIZE HOLDER
QUOKKANA


Ned gets up from the commentary booth as soon as she wins, calling out for Hot Dog as she prepares her words for accepting the most prestigious award in all the FXW. Before she realizes what's happening, Hot Dog is running out with a 247 briefcase with a mysterious painted over gap in the middle! As Quokkana is focused on Ned's interference in her big moment, Hot Dog drops the briefcase by a ref while climbing into the ring!

HH: "WAIT A MOMENT? HOW DID HOT DOG GET A 247 BRIEFCASE? THAT'S A CONTRACT THAT'S GOOD FOR A TITLE SHOT AT ANY TIME FOR 247 DAYS OUT OF THE YEAR! IS IT A GOOD DAY?"

Pip checks a large stack of papers, keeping his reading glasses steady.

Pip: "IT GOOD DAY!"

THE REF CALLS FOR THE BELL!

*DING, DING*

As Quokkana's twisting around to face the swine cashing in, Hot Dog slams into her, pinning her quickly as Ned yells at the Ref-O-Tron to count!


ONE!



TWO!




THREE!

WINNER AND NEWWWWWWWW UNIVERSAL CONSOLATION PRIZE HOLDER

HOT DOG


The crowd furiously boos at the development, sick to their stomachs at the wanton disrespect to the FXW. Ned grabs a microphone and begins to yell at the fans, his face full of pride as he addresses them.

Ned: "How do you like that, FXW?! You disrespected me and mocked me and now, thanks to some gifts from another company outside of our universe, I HAVE ALLLLLLL THE BRIEFCASES! And now that Hot Dog has the FXW Universal Consolation Prize, I HAVE THE UNIVERSAL CONSOLATION PRIZE! WHOSE YOUR DADDY FXW?!"

As Ned gloats to the furiously raucous crowd, Hot Dog struts and walks in front of Ned before pump kicking Ned in the dick! NED FALLS OVER, CRUMPLING TOWARDS THE TURNBUCKLES! HE DOESN'T REALIZE WHAT'S HAPPENING! Hot Dog splashes into Ned Kaye causing Ned to fall to the canvas, busted open by his creation! As Ned is prone, Hot Dog urinates on him.

HH: "Hot Dog has turned on Ned Kaye, but he still looks like a mean little bastard!"

Pip: "Piggy pee on bad scientist!"

HH: "He pissed on everyone's night, it's only fair the favor is returned!"

Hot Dog grabs the UCP Cup with his teeth and walks out of the arena as the show finally concludes, sneering at the audience.

HH: "We'll see you next time, folks!"

Pip: "Pip fear for the liminal state of being he about to experience!"

SPECIAL THANKS TO:
EVERYONE WHO RP'D AND WAITED FOREVER FOR THIS FUCKING NONSENSE
MARF, MARK FLYNN, AND BIG D FOR WRITING MATCHES
NED KAYE FOR FUCKING NOTHING

"You can't run from yourself."
[Image: riNkNZw.png]
XWF
Wins | Losses | Draws
33 | 24 | 1



Indie Darling Eternal
#33 on The XWF Top 50(2021)
2x [Image: CbviDqC.png] (Former)
Star of the Month - March 2021
RP of the Month - March 2021 (Void of the Mind)
Star of the Month - April 2019
Winner - Leap Of Faith Rafter Match 2019
1x 24/7 Briefcase Holder

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All Time Career
Wins | Losses | Draws
33 | 25 | 1
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