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Current XWF board time: 09-20-2021, 10:55 PM (time should display as Pacific time zone; please contact Admin if it appears to be wrong)                                                                
X-treme Wrestling Federation BOARDS » Warfare Boards » "Wednesday Warfare" RP Board
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PlaceMarker Magical Appropriation
Author Message
Mark Flynn Online now or has been in the last 30 mins
Active in XWF

XWF FanBase:

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)

Post: #1
09-14-2021 10:27 PM

Knuckles on a door. A hand attempts to yank aforementioned door open… No dice.

“Mark Flynn, come out here and trash-talk your opponent.”

Flynn has barricaded himself in Coreytopia’s broom closet.


NK is behind the camera, pointed at the closet… He sighs, exasperated.

“Mark Flynn, pleeeeeeeeease.”

“I HAVE ONE ANXIETY, NK. I’ve been dropped off cages, I’ve had limbs snap like twigs, I’ve crawled out of my own grave MULTIPLE TIMES… I JUST DON’T LIKE WIZARDS.”

Another knock. “Mark Flynn, vacate the closet!”


Suddenly, we see a small scroll enter the frame. NK unfurls it, revealing crudely doodled crayon diagrams, featuring two stick figures switching spots.

“Mark Flynn, I have a plan to overcome your fear! We will fight The Wizard with TWIN magic!”

With one hand, NK slides the scroll under the door.

“At The Wizard’s moment of greatest vulnerability, when he believes he won… We will switch places and I shall finish the match, pretending to be you! With The Wizard and the official NONE THE WISER!!!”

The scroll rolls back to NK.

“NK... I shouldn’t have to point this out… We don’t look alike.”

“I disagree, Mark Flynn. You may not bear my ruggedness nor my dashing, chiseled facial features… But perhaps a shave… A day in the sun… Some prosthetics to fill your lacking cheekbones...”

“I’m not ASIAN.”

NK hums thoughtfully… Then, He raises a finger in the air!


“Mark Flynn, you don’t know my plan!”

“Was it yellowface?”


“Was your plan that I would do the Mickey Rooney bit from Breakfast at Tiffany’s?”



“If you’re willing to discuss it…”


NK pauses, momentarily defeated. Suddenly, his hand shifts toward his pocket...

“Mark Flynn! New idea! Perhaps your anxieties would subside if I read Wizard’s trash talk against you?”

“...That’d help!”

NK holds the transcript in front of the camera…

“...Did he use magic words?!?”

...NK chuckles insidiously...

“No, Mark Flynn! But you’ll want to hear this!”

NK clears his throat.

Replay:We all do what we must. We must work. We must shit. We must listen to people we don’t particularly care for talk about things we have no interest in.

“Like us listening to this awful promo?”

“Haha, shhh, I just started.”

Replay:”That’s why I’m back, Mark Flynn.

Not because I want to be back. But because I have to come back.

“Wow, this guy doesn’t even care. I’m going to yank his magical fucking arms off of his supernatural fucking torso and pummel his otherworldly face with his own enchanted hands…”

Replay:And, yea, you’re probably saying, “LOL this guy doesn’t even care. I’m gonna beat his magical hat off his mystical head before fucking with his mythical beard.”

“...Close? In a PG neighborhood, same area code.”

Replay:Only problem is the winner gets paid more than the loser. I think, anyway. If I’m going to show up and do this shit again, you better bet your ass I’m gonna TRY to win the match. Bigger payday...can we call it something else? Bigger PAYCHECK. Then maybe I can finish my movie.

Replay:“Issue with leaving for so long, especially in this industry, is that when you return there’s a whole host of new, annoying names. Like yours, Mark Flynn. I don’t have a fucking clue who you are.”


For a moment, there’s complete silence.

“Mark Flynn, did you hear that? Shall I repeat it?”

All-at-once, pounding from the inside of the closet.

“… Mark Flynn, it’s a pull door. You have t-”

Before NK can further elaborate, Flynn has kicked the door off one of its hinges, then pries it free off its other hinge.

Flynn steps over the destroyed door and approaches the camera.


“...Of course.”


Flynn points down the barrel of the lens.

“You don’t know who the fuck I am, asshole? Ask around.”

“One-Time World Heavyweight Champion.”

“Two-Time World Champion, from back when the US Title was the very top.”

“Number Fucking 15 in the XWF Top 50 of ALL-TIME.”

“Try saying all these accomplishments were years in the past. I was a star member on the winning WarGames Team LAST MONTH.”

“Now that we covered who I am… Who the FUCK are you?”

“No stress. I’ll answer that too.”

“A has-been wrestler and a never-was actor, trying to waltz back into MY fucking sport to fucking fundraise like Kickstarter wasn’t already around to scam nerds out of their parents’ money.”

“A drunken nobody from LAST FUCKING YEAR. Watching tapes of his old matches and hypnotizing himself into thinking a one-night return will solve his cash flow problem, even though he left the ring on his back.”

“You left on a whimper, your last 4 matches you were sporting a record of 2 draws... 2 losses... ZERO wins.”

“You beat Mastermind? Big fucking deal, I stomped the ever-loving shit out of Mastermind. Six years before you barely beat him.”

“My Team won WarGames, yours didn’t clear the first fucking round.”

“Keep pretending you left right at your peak. Oh, you lost to Centurion, but that doesn’t count because your heart wasn’t in it? Your last REAL match was against Robert Main? Guess what, fuckhead, you lost that one, too.”

“Your zero-accomplishment career is an EMBARRASSMENT. Tommy Wish fumbled his way into the X-Treme Title twice and you don’t have ONE SCRAP to prove you’ve been here before... besides cashed pay stubs from 2020 and a tape library only you watch.”

“I guarantee every youtube view of a wrestling match featuring the Wizard is from a click by The Fucking Wizard, trying to convince himself he’s still a fucking star… And from me doing research.”

Flynn clenches his fist.

“That’s right, asshole. One of us actually studied a little further than their opponent’s bio page… And boy, am I underwhelmed.”

“Your in-ring style is a joke… Clotheslines, Shoulder tackles, Elbow strikes… Jesus Christ, it’s like I’m fighting an 80s flashback. I’m a fucking tactician, Wizard. I study this game with my every thought. My every conscious moment is devoted to analyzing and countering every approach I COULD face in the ring. I pursue the perfection of the Optimal Path.”

“So you might see why I wanted a challenge when I fought a guy called The Wizard. This is like playing Tic-Tac-Toe and taking on someone who doesn’t take center square. ‘Let’s get started… Whoops, I already won’.”

“Your moves are shit they teach you how to counter on day 1 of wrestling school.”

“Clothesline? Duck.”

“Shoulder tackle? Sidestep.”

“Big Boot? Duck to stay on defense, catch leg to gain control.”

“Von Erich Claw? Suppress gag reflex so the attacking hand travels inches further into the mouth, then twist jaw to bite down on thumb with your molars. Thumb will naturally retract and attempt to exit the mouth. Like a dog bite, this will do more damage to the thumb trying to leave than it would pushing further in. Repeat on the opposite hand and voila! The claw has been neutralized.”

NK stutters behind the camera, flabbergasted.

“W-W-Wait, They teach you that on DAY ONE?!?”

Flynn ignores that question, staring into the camera, spitting venomously.

“Be honest. Really, really honest.”

“You think I’ll lose to a FUCKING PART-TIMER?!?”
Flynn says ‘part-timer’ like it’s so much more of a slur than ‘wizard’. “You think I’ll get blind-sided by an intoxicated failure doing this for SECONDARY INCOME?!?”

“Sorry, Wizard. If you’re here for easy money, you drew the worst fucking number in the opponent lottery.”

“If you were fighting anyone else in this company, you’d just lose. You get pinned, get paid and that’d be the end of it. You’d have one more wrestling tape to jerk it to, watching yourself stumble around the ring and getting a hard-on seeing your name on TV.”

“But you’re fighting Mark Flynn, Wizard… Your post-match medical bills are going to put you deeeeeeeeep in the red.”

“I’m going to snap your legs in half, backward at the knee, until your toes are touching your thighs. I’m going to punch my thumbs into your eyes and slam your head against the mat over and over until every hole in your skull... ear holes, mouth, nostrils, eye sockets... has blood running down it.”

“By the time I’m done with you, the only movie you could star in is a biopic about a skidmark.”

“Get fucking ready, because this Wednesday, the XWF is going to televise its first hate crime since NK got lynched. And this time, The Wizard will be the victim.”

Flynn pushes the camera sideways to punctuate his last comment. NK re-focuses the lens on Flynn...

“Wait, what does that mean, Mark Flynn?”

Flynn sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. Apparently, the Wizard isn’t the only one that needs a fucking refresher course.

“NK, you were hung by a KKK Grand Wizard.”

“I recall.”

“And now, I’ll do the same sort of in-ring murder… But this time, it’s TO a wizard. It’s ironic.”


“There we go.”

“Except killing the Wizard would not be a hate crime.”

“...Wait, you’ve been telling me this whole week I’m rhabdophobic.”

[Image: rh8LS8T.png]
A Serious Problem Facing America

“Wouldn’t it be hateful to annihilate a wizard for being a wizard?”

“It would be!”

“But the Wizard isn’t a real wizard.”


Flynn’s eyelids flutter. He blinks, processing that last chain of words...

“Ex-fucking-scuse me?”

“The Wizard is not actually a wizard.”

“...Who’s saying that?”

“The Wizard.”

NK puts his 2003 Motorola Razr up to the camera again. He recites...

Replay:Mark Flynn, I’m no actual wizard. If I were, I’d snap my fingers and, like the coherence of your latest promo, make all my financial problems disappear.

Sadly, I cannot. For the only magic that resides within these bones is via the imagination of those willing to believe. And, if you’ve met any sort of financier, bill collector, or accountant...then you know imagination, unlike Inclusiphobia, does not exist within their lexicon.

Replay:But you, Flynn. You do seem to have some type of imagination. Even if it is a LEGIT CRAZY creative mind at work. An unhinged imagination that will go unquestioned while you continue act as though an actual wizard is stepping between those ropes on Wednesday at Warfare.

“...He’s not magic?”

“Not unless you count his ‘imagination’ as magic.”

“The real magic was in my heart all along?”

“The real magic was the friends we made along the way.”

Flynn takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down…


Nope, still furious.

“...But, there are real XWF wizards, right?”

“Comrade Arcana, for one.”

“Magic is still real?”

“We experienced it first-hand.”

“But, this motherfucker isn’t magic.”

“No, Mark Flynn.”

“...So, him dressing as a wizard. Is that ‘magical appropriation’?”

“Yes, it’s wizardface.”



“...And Instead of capitalizing on the single edge he had over me… He decided to tell me before our fucking match.... That he’s not magic?”

“Yes, Mark Flynn.”

“He says he’s going to blindside me?”

“He said that.”

“His plan involves me believing he’s a wizard. And he just told me he’s not a wizard.”


“He’s claiming he’s going to permit my misconception about his magic to go unquestioned… AFTER he confessed he’s no more magic than Magic Johnson.”

“100% correct.”

“...Does that make sense?”

“Not at all. But nothing you’ve said is untrue.”

Flynn buries his face in his open palms.

“Holy shit, I might squash this insect. I’ll actually stab him to death with his own shoulder blades.”

“...Are you MORE angry now?”

“I’m fucking LIVID. This motherfucker thinks it’s clever to bring up over and over and over and OVER AND OVER about how I’m ‘LEGIT CRAZY’... And he’s not even a LEGIT WIZARD?!?!”

“A LARPer.”

“This motherfucker is a make-believe sorcerer, dressed in his mom’s bedsheets, holding a broom and shouting ‘LIGHTNING BOLT’ and he’s out here questioning IF I’M CRAZY?!?”

Flynn snatches the ancient flip-phone from NK’s hands and starts scrolling down the rest of the transcript. From behind the camera, NK retrieves a small cleaning brush from his pocket to dust the Flynn germs off his hands… Satisfied, he points the camera over Flynn’s shoulder as he hate-skims...

“The Wizard also complained about how intricate our investigation has gotten while he has a cast of characters that are all interchangeable, irresponsible men.”

Flynn spins back to the camera.

“Fucking for real, though. Do you know how many times I had to stop and restart his segments because I’d forget which of these identical bumbling idiots I’m watching? All I know is I can’t tell these white people apart and I hate all of them.”

“Just like watching the Friends Reunion…” NK chuckles, then hesitates. “Oh, that’s a reference that Wizard might not get. Should we explain ‘Friends’ to him?”

“Motherfucker, that pisses me off, too! His two complaints are ‘I didn’t understand what was happening, you should have had a recap’ and ‘Flynn just says Legit Crazy’ like I need to prove it....”

The camera nods, seeing where Flynn is going...

“And we opened our cycle with a helpful summary read by a kidnapped Alan Alda.”


“Mark Flynn, You kidnapped Alan Alda.”

[Image: miiumRn.png]
Alan Alda was kidnapped.


“Academy Award Nominee Alan Alda.”

“Just so he could recap our adventures!!!”

“And Wizard is out here complaining we needed a summary... When we made Alan Alda read a helpful summary of our investigation to bring people up to speed...”

“Fuckin’... FUCKING… GOD DAMMIT.” Flynn stamps his foot, breaking the knob off the fallen door.

“Y’Know who thinks you’re ‘legit crazy’ and doesn’t doubt it, Mark Flynn?”

“Who, NK?”

“Alan Alda.”

“Alan FUCKING Alda.”

“Alda would say you’re legit crazy in a heartbeat.”

“Alda will say whatever the fuck I want him to. And not only because he's been kidnapped, but because he knows that’s what acting is.”

“A true professional.”

Flynn shakes his head.

“Y’know, I asked myself... should we re-kidnap Alan Alda to read another summary before we interrogate Dolly?”

“Stop saying "we" kidnapped Alan Alda.”

“AND I DIDN’T… Because I didn’t want to SPOON-FEED OUR AUDIENCE.”

“Awww... Mark Flynn…”

“No, it’s true! I think we’ve setup the necessary context, I tell myself ‘we can trust the viewer to follow along with the breadcrumbs we’ve laid’... and it turns out The Wizard has narrative permanence like A FUCKING INFANT.”

Flynn hides his eyes behind his hands, then peek-a-boos out.

“Out of sight? It just stops existing.”

“Haha, The Wizard would read Cat in the Hat and ask ‘Whoa, where did this fucking Cat come from?’”

“Am I supposed to know who this Cat is?”

“Is it some insider reference that he’s wearing a hat?”

“He’d read ‘See Spot Run’ and ask ‘Whoa, where’s this fucking dog running?”

“Can’t you pause the book and explain where he was coming from so I know what’s happening?”

“Why’s his name Spot? Explaaaaaaaaaaain…”

NK laughs, delighted at this riff. Flynn is still… so fucking angry.

“He also complained about the fact that we had a number of guest stars this week… There wasn’t enough Flynn in it.”

“Real fucking funny, considering his own segment appearances have included drinking, watching TV, and asking people to grab beer for him. WHAT A STAR.”

“The Wizard is quite behind the 8-ball. He can’t even recognize Dolly Waters or Corey Smith… The reigning Superstar of the month and the winning War Games Captain.”

“Two of the XWF’s biggest names today. It’s obvious he doesn’t watch the show if he’s not on the screen.”

“Can’t recognize his co-workers…”

“QUASI co-workers. He’s a fucking PART-TIMER, NK. He’s a holiday temp. He’ll leave Warfare in an ambulance and won’t come back until his money runs out... next month. He’ll fight his next opponent in a wheelchair powered by BLOWING INTO A TUBE!”

Flynn taps his foot angrily… He still hasn’t worked this fury out of his system.

“And the worst part to ME, Mark Flynn?”

“...What’s that, NK?”

“His film looks like shit.”

Flynn… laughs. He finally cracks a smile.

“Right? Who the fuck would go see a movie called The Wizard’s Quill?”

“Starring some ex-wrestler no one likes? Take my money!”

“Just in time for… Three Months after the Summer Blockbuster season!”

“Like his film would release in theaters… Is there something lower than Direct-to-DVD?”

“How about ‘Uploaded to YouTube’?”

“Hahaha, the only video with less views than The Wizard’s matches!”

“Just another video for The Wizard’s... private time.”

Flynn cackles, imagining The Wizard’s terrible movie that he’s pinned his hopes and dreams on.

NK hums thoughtfully...


“We should attempt to help Mr. The Wizard.”

“Why the fuck would we do that?”

“He’s in dire straits. Last week, we offered to help Dolly Waters with her scheduling snafu by winning quickly. Perhaps this week, we could offer our services to solve The Wizard’s monetary crisis?”

Flynn strokes his chin… then snaps his fingers.

“Got it.”

Flynn, still holding NK’s 2003 Motorola Razr, rapidly punches numbers.

“Who are you calling?”

Flynn shushes his cameraman.

It rings once.




“Daniel Radcliffe?”

NK gasps. The camera vibrates excitedly.

[Image: images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRYLQjqRAL2Gj8NGIt_bhm...L6xBQqudDf]
Pictured above: Not Alan Alda

“...Yes. Who am I speaking to?”

“Is it THE Daniel Radcliffe?”

“From Harry Potter, right?”

“And Korean bootleg dubs of Harry Potter?”

“...I’ve done other films...”

“It’s him! SAY HI FOR ME!”

“Sorry, How’d you get this number?”

“I got it from Alan Alda’s phone after I kicked him out of a moving car.”


Flynn waves to dismiss that topic. Which Daniel Radcliffe can’t see… cuz... phone call.

“Anyway, I have a movie pitch.”

“Sure, I’ll listen while I dial the police on the other line.”

“So, there’s this forest called Alderaan.”

“From Star Wars?”

“Sorry, you’re right… It’s called… Elder Scrolls?”

“Skip ahead.”

“Anyway, in the forest of Elderberries, there’s this Wizard.”

“Oh! Um…sorry officer, wrong number… I’m interested!”

“He has a quill.”

“Loving it. The best kind of pen.”



“...That’s the whole pitch?”

“Yeah. It’s called The Wizard’s Quill.”

“...Quill… It isn’t a… euphemism for penis, is it?”


The camera shakes side-to-side, like ‘no, no, noooooooo’.

“I mean, I’ll do pornography. Typically with horses, but if the film is one of those ‘horseless pornographies’, I’d love to expand my horizons as an artist…”

The camera... shakes up and down like ‘yeah, totally, say yes!’.

“It’s PROFOUNDLY pornographic. And I don’t see a horse on the poster, but there’s a pig costume guy!”

“Who is attached to it?”

“Former XWF Superstar, The Wizard.”

“...No, I mean, who’s the star?”

“Former XWF Superstar, The Wizard.”

“...Anyone else?”

“A doctor who just became an actor and a collection of dwarves.”

“SAG dwarves?”

“...98% sure they’re non-union.”

“Oof… Sorry, I once did a movie where I played a farting corpse, and even I wouldn’t do that movie.”

“Well, shucks. Thanks anyway, Mr. Radcliffe!”

“Please call me again! That idea was really good until you said ‘XWF Superstar, The Wizard’.”


Flynn returns NK’s phone.

“We tried.”

“None can claim we failed to do good by our co-worker…”

“I’m more excited about the good we’ll do on Wednesday.”

“Theo and Vinnie will have to find new wrestling talent that likes this job… And Wizard?”

“He’ll file for disability Thursday morning… Hey! That’ll fix his cash flow problem!”

Flynn winks.

“You’re welcome.”

Flynn’s evil alabaster grin shimmers as the camera fades to black...

“...Let’s leave before someone finds out we broke this door.”

“YOU broke the door!”
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