PETA Gilmour

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CANCEL NOAH!

CANCEL NOAH!

CANCEL NOAH!

CANCEL NOAH!

What in the ever-loving Jesus fuck is that?

I throw the covers off me as Vita beside me turns in bed and covers her ears with a pillow, the chanting continuing from outside. My eyes half-closed I stumble out of bed and hit the door frame with my shoulder as I stomp out the bedroom and make my way downstairs and swing open the front door to the sight of some virgins circling my lawn holding picket signs. They turn to me in my boxers, squinting at them in a dishevelled haze and begin to boo loudly. Besides the fact I'm not getting paid, kinda just feels like early in my XWF career, ah memories.

"You cunts better not have stepped on my petunias."

They continue to chant at be all-around pricks as I look to my next-door neighbour who is as confused as I am. He gives a wave.

CUNT NEIGHBOUR: "Morning, neighbour!"

I give a slight wave back.

"G'day, cunt."

CUNT NEIGHBOUR: "You know your friends here are breaking some rules of the neighbourhood."

"I know, cunt."

CUNT NEIGHBOUR: "Noise before 9am and all that."

I pinch the bridge of my nose.

"Yes, cunt, I know! I was at the meeting!"

He just nods and look back to the protesters along with me. They're wearing t-shirts with my face on them and a 'no' sign thing over them. Bet the cunts never paid to use my face... Cunts. I grab a hoodie from the rack beside me and pull it over to walk out to meet them.

"The fuck's goin' on here then?"

One of the goblin cunts steps up to me with a face like a slapped ass.

THIS FUCKING CUNT: "We're sick and tired of poor beautiful animals being mistreated by you!"

"The fuck you chatting, cunt? I'm sick with animals, got a cat inside, he's sound."

THIS FUCKING CUNT: "What about the kangaroo in your most recent match?"

I blink slowly.

"You mean that cunt Jim in a roo costume?"

THIS FUCKING CUNT: "You tried to use an animal for entertainment!"

"That was the original plan, yeah but it was a bald cunt in a costume! Fuck off!"

THIS FUCKING CUNT: "And what about that poor wallaby at C-Word Fest?"

"Cunt-Fest."

THIS FUCKING CUNT: "Yes... That."

"... Say Cunt-Fest."

THIS FUCKING CUNT: "NO! And that's not the point, an animal was killed at your show!"

"Half my show and I didn't kill the cunt! Go bother the cunt who did!"

THIS FUCKING CUNT: "But you forced that poor creature to be IN that match, the blame lies on you!"

I scratch my hairline.

"Right on... You just push the blame on anyone else because your life is meaningless, sick. I'll cop that. Now, fuck off."

THIS FUCKING CUNT: "We have every right to be here!"

"This is my fucking property, cunt! Fuck off! Final warning!"

The cunt stands up straight and gets all proud for some reason.

THIS FUCKING CUNT: "We shall move for no man!"

I sigh, a deep fucking sigh before closing my eyes and taking in a deep breath.

"No wuckas... G'day."

Leaving the little cunt somewhat feeling proud I go back into my home and slam the door behind me as the chanting continues on. I go into my kitchen and begin searching the drawers and cupboard. Vita walks down the stairs rubbing sleep from here eyes as I search.

VV: "What's going on?"

"There's some monster dog shits on the lawn, gonna clean 'em up." I pop up out the cupboard to look at V. "Hey, you know if we got any kerosene?"

Vita stares at me blankly.

VV: "I'm going back to bed."

She begins to walk back up as I watch her go.

"Okay babe!" I carry on searching, tossing shit behind me that clatters onto the floor. "Gotta be a gun or something in here, sure every American home has one. Like courtesy chocolate at a hotel."

???: "Perhaps I can help with that."

Confused, I stand up and spin around seeing myself pointing a gun at me... Huh.

"... Sick goatee."

The version of me grooms himself, slowly approaching with the gun ready.

"Much obliged."

"Sup with the gun... And the accent?"

"Well. After I was stranded in the desert my life went into turmoil, I lost everything. My titles, Vita and Fuzz... I moved to Canada to find out how maple syrup was made."

*gasp* "How IS it made!?"

"I will never tell you!" He screams jutting the gun forward. "But what I did find was a way to travel into your timeline and make you pay."

"Cunt, pay for what? Because you got a bad deal?"

"NO! Because YOU got everything! And it's not fair! It's not fucking fair!"

"... Yeah, right on. Could you get rid of the protestors on my lawn, please first though?"

"Why would I do that? I hate you."

I shrug.

"Be pretty sick of you if ya did."

He stares at me for a moment before throwing the gun to the side.

"Get in the basement."

"C'mon Evil Noah, don't be a cunt."

"Don't call me that! That name is not going to stick."

"Why you gotta be a pissbaby? Y'know my life hasn't been perfect either." I pull up my lip and slur out my speech. "I lost a tooth! Got a gold one now!"

"My heart bleeds for you."

I lower my arms. Contemplating what to do next, the only thing on my mind however is going back to sleep and the basement is pretty soundproof...

"Alright, fine! I'll go in the fucking basement."

I grab a can of VB from the fridge and make my way to the basement as Evil Noah keeps the pistol trained on my back; I crack open the tin and take a sip before throwing the basement door open and walking down.

"Thank you for your co-operation."

"No wuckas, don't bang my fiance!"

I disappear down the steps as the door is closed. I flip on the light switch and walk around the near-empty basement, not much apart from a bunch of boxes which I used to move stuff... And this Olmec head which I don't remember buying, man, that cunt takes up a lot of room. He's pretty sick tho, I take another swig admiring the ugly cunt before moving some boxes to get myself comfy and laying down on top of them.

...

Typical, now I'm not even tired.... WELL! Might as well cut a promo!

"Peter Gilmour is a baby dicked fucktard with the brain of a teenage boy who recently found the internet and most possible got kicked in the head by a donkey. His entire career has been a constant embarrassment, a long series of moments that would make any person with an ounce of self-respect change their attitude or way they act. Even just a little bit. What has happened in Peter Gilmour's life?"

"Well, off the top of my head."

"His wife contracted AIDs which at one point came to life and tormented him."

"The head of his mother was reanimated and tormented him."

"He got his dick cut off by a roided member of a death metal band. That's how he got his 'Super Dick'."

"He lost to an 8-year-old in a sanctioned wrestling match."

"He has admitted to dong worshipping the devil."

"He has also admitted to coming out of his mother with a fully erect penis."

"He's so braindead from countless head injuries he's lost almost all ability to construct a rational sentence, whether it be gibberish like he's having a stroke or reminding everybody that he is indeed a closeted gay man."

"He's technically died at least twice, both have which have been embarrassing losses for him but like herpes, he keeps coming back."

"And he hasn't won a title in over 2 years."

"Fuck, the cunt is so dumb I could say he hasn't won a title in 10 years and he wouldn't even remember if he did. And that's just the shit I can think of right now, Peter Gilmour's life is a long cringe compilation slowly playing out until the heat death of the universe. So why Noah, why would you want to defend your title against this cunt who means literally nothing? This malignant tumour that makes people want to walk away from the XWF rather than have to deal with the most inane bullshit they've ever seen."

"Well, because it's a rite of passage, I mean Pete has been here so long and wanders onto shows at random if people stopped offering him random title shots and kicking his teeth in, the XWF wouldn't feel right. Sure, the cunt is literally bottom of the barrel, all cuddled up next to Drezdin and Darren Dangerous but he's OUR pond scum. Everyone hates the cunt, everyone laughs at the cunt and everyone can beat the cunt BUT I'd be lying if I didn't accept the fact that the chinless, body-dysmorphia having hardened turd was a damn pillar of our community! People have literally joined the XWF and called out Gilmour because he just has such a great face to punch! Because he's so entry-level that even the dumbest, greenest rookie can walk in and immediately tell he's our Glass Joe."

"He's OUR Goomba, OUR random citizen in the terminal at the beginning of Modern Warfare 2."

"He's a punching bag with a reason to punch."

"Gilly is incredible! Not in a good way, no. He's Troll 2 incredible or The Room incredible. When I've had a long day being the sickest cunt in the multiverse and I see a Gilmour promo, I know I'll either laugh or commit suicide. It's such a great watch! He does nothing, says nothing but manages to work in every Gilmour trope and never, EVER change up how he is. He never improves, he never shows focus or creativity NO! He leaves that for anyone he's latching onto. What Gilly does is simple, he smiles, he winks, he says he has sex and he fucks up."

"The hobgoblin is a trainwreck and it's beautiful."

"Big D can wear a thong."

"Ned Kaye can admit he's a cuck."

"Maverick can shit on a title."

"But Gilly will always be Gilly."

"Not a single thing anyone else does can EVER match up; I could put on a dress and invite Big Butch over for some good ol' rough with a twink like me but Gilmour will top that in a second without even hesitating. Thousands of years in the future, advanced civilisations would read our great works and only our greatest works but still manage to see a tweet from Gilmour about how he'd fuck a robot version of Lux and deem Earth a cesspool of nothingness."

"This is the impact he has."

"He's the greatest joke ever conceived. An unaware manchild who is fucking terrible at his job but doesn't know it. A perverted megalomaniac who thinks he's the best despite being proven wrong and beaten down his entire career. A closet case narcissistic who will never be more than a punchline."

"And the best thing is, he's got three things he's gonna say to me, I say cunt a lot, suck his dick and I lost to him once."

"Now, the last one is what I wanna focus on, now I will admit he won IF he can tell me how and who was in that match. If he can do that I will say Gilmour beat me, hand on heart. He doesn't have to give the full details, just if I lost due to a pin or submission or whether someone else was pinned, that's all I need, that and who else was in that match. I feel confident I'm gonna get a win on this because the dumb cunt has literally no idea what he's doing."

"Peter, your losing streak isn't ending here. I'm going to throw you were you belong and forget this match ever happened."

"If Evil me doesn't kill me anyway."

...

"I wonder what he's up to?"

I ponder this as I take a swig of VB and the scene gets all transition-y

. . .

"Fiance?"

Did he propose to Vita? That son of a bitch, it should be ME! I place the gun into the back of my jeans as I stroke my goatee; thinking about how to proceed. I go to the kitchen island and drum my fingers along the tabletop. Why must I go through such hardships and lose everything? While that... Layabout gets everything he wants to be handed to him on a silver platter! Well, Noah, I hope you're prepared to have everything taken away from you! I smirk before breaking out into a devilish laugh!

FUZZ: "What's so funny?"

I drop my head and abruptly stop laughing to look at Fuzz who is standing in the hall staring at me.

"Erm... I uh stubbed my toe?"

FUZZ: "... And that made you laugh?"

"I'm trying to laugh instead of curse?"

...

FUZZ: "Huh, good plan. You swear too much." Fuzz tosses his keys, Xtreme title, Tag title and briefcase on the counter as he comes closer. "Loving the goatee by the way."

"Thanks, I grew it myself."

FUZZ: "Hilarious... Anyway, there were a bunch of hippies on your lawn, I told them to get lost."

"Oh, thanks. You want anything to drink?"

FUZZ: "Just a bottle of water."

I head to the fridge and open up the doors and look slowly around at everything.

"Erm..."

Fuzz points down.

FUZZ: "Bottom shelf, dumbass."

I look down and grab two, passing one to Fuzz.

"So, what brings you here?"

FUZZ: "I need a reason now?"

"No, no, just wondering."

FUZZ: "Came to see my son and say congrats on the engagement and shit. Gotta plan you a bachelor party."

"Oh, thanks... Dad?"

Fuzz takes a swig of water raising an eyebrow at me.

FUZZ: "You good? Seem off today."

"I am feeling a tad under the weather."

FUZZ: "A tad? Man, you're out of whack today aren't you."

I breathe a laugh as Vita comes down the stairs.

VV: "Damn, can you guys talk less or something?"

FUZZ: "Sorry to disturb your beauty sleep."

Vita squints looking at me.

VV: "... The fuck is happening here?"

FUZZ: "Noah grew a goatee!

"Yeah! I was finally able to get past the patchy stage."

VV: "... You grew a goatee since this morning?"

Oh canucks. I begin to sweat a little but Fuzz claps my shoulder.

FUZZ: "All that testosterone! Runs in the family, I grew chest hair when I was 10."

VV: "Huh-huh."

Vita makes her way over and leans on the counter glaring at me.

FUZZ: "Anyway, you wanna do anything today? Grab some food?"

I look between him and Vita, her hand pushed against her chin, showing off the large engagement ring.

"Well, I kinda wanted to spend the day with Vita."

VV raises her eyebrows as Fuzz nods to himself.

FUZZ: "That's fair, you two should spend more time together, I accept that."

VV: "Say, Noah, we made plans today, you remember them?"

I freeze-up.

"We were going to... Go out for... Dinner?"

She scoffs.

VV: "We were gonna order pizza and play video games." She looks to Fuzz. "This isn't Noah, not our Noah anyway."

I sweat buckets as my heart beats a million kilometres a minute. Fuzz scrunches his brow and looks between me and Vita.

FUZZ: "Vita! Do you really think I wouldn't know my own son?"

Whew.

VV: "Fuzz! Are you for real!"

I stammer before interrupting.

"Vita! I knew our plans but thought a nice restaurant would be better! ... My treat!"

Fuzz almost spits out his drink.

FUZZ: "You're paying? ... Are you Noah?"

Vita raises a hand.

VV: "No-no, that was just a joke anyway... You're paying." I nod my head as Vita smirks. "Cool! I'll pick out an outfit."

Vita twirls away and goes back upstairs. I exhale and look back to Fuzz.

"Can I borrow your card?"

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment