Eat Healthy

---

I sit at a table in a fancy restaurant, snuck in a can of VB since they probably only do fucking wine here or some shit. Grapes can suck a dick, pointless cunts. I crack open my tin and take a sip before acknowledging the cameraman I'm accidentally having a romantic candlelit dinner with.

"The company I work for makes me wish to commit un-alive at certain points."

I lean to my right.

"Oi, Noah, you handsome cunt! That's a nice lot of gold you got around ya, fancy rocking up to this punch-up with three cunts who are the equivalent of 'filler' in a long-running shitty anime?"

Lean to the left.

"Not particularly, cunt, nah."

Bring it back now y'all.

"Tough shit! You're on Anarchy! We have no idea how to make a good show so we're gonna have the Hart champ in the opener, the fucking owner of the company stealing the main event for zero reasons and the TV champ in a rematch from Cunt-Fest but with background dressing!"

I shake my head and take a swig of VB as the waiter places my caesar salad in front of me, I point down in disgust.

"Excuse me, my good cunt, why the fuck are these little balls of dog shit in my salad?"

Holding one of the disgusting baby tomatoes between my finger and thumb I look to the cunt.

FRENCH CUNT: "Dat iz what you hordered, sir."

I flick the fake veggie at him.

"I had this salad a few weeks back and there wasn't any of these cunts in it, it was just a fine salad, a salad I fucking wanted and now you've added these and ruined something good!"

FRENCH CUNT: "But sir, it iz only some tomatoes!"

"It's not just some dog shit, pointless cunts, it's the fact that you ruined something great! This wasn't some plate of leaves with some chicken, this was fresh lettuce, bit of cucumber, perfectly seasoned chicken breast and some sick dressing. It's what I wanted and it was perfect! Cunts looked over and was like, damn, that salad looks sick, that salad impressed me, I wanna take that salad out on a date, someone should give a prize to that salad! Then you come back and try to hide the fact that the chicken is undercooked by loading some clown nose cunts onto the plate!? Why not just give me what I want, what most people want! Just give me the same salad, maybe it'll be better the second time! Maybe the salad would hit me better than before and be a quality meal for the Hardest Worker in the XWF. Why not take these cunts." I grab the disgusting tomatoes in my hand and put them on a small plate meant for a cup of coffee. "And just put them over there on their own and where they fucking belong. See! They're out of the way now, they're not ruining my fucking meal! They're not forcing me to take time out of my day to focus on them when they're not worth focusing on."

FRENCH CUNT: "Ze tomatoes add zumthing though, sir, zum OOMPH!"

"No they fucking don't! They're bland, tasteless balls of cancer thrown in to take the attention away from what's important. Look at this cunt." I grab a small tomato that's basically falling into mush in between my fingers. "This little shit is a fucking joke! It's barely edible! I can see green on it! What am I supposed to do with this cunt? Just fucking throw it away and try to forget it's even soiled my salad? Although it's left its stench and aftertaste? How can I enjoy this when such a foul little fuck nugget has already ruined what should be a high-class meal? Or this cunt."

I flick my hand and throw the ruined mess onto the ground as I pick up a huge tomato.

"This cunt has a fucking vein running through it! How can I enjoy anything when this cunt looks like it's about to burst? Pumped up so much with GMOs I wondering if it'll come to life and throw me into an obscure B-Movie! How is this fuck allowed out of the kitchen!? Surely someone should have said, cunt, we're trying to push a certain image here, we're trying to impress our customers, we shouldn't allow this bowling ball painted red to roll out and crush cunts like the boulder from Indiana Jones! This freakish fruit should surely be tossed away! Oh but it's so BIG! That's amazing, right!?"

"Fuck no, this cunt has nothing but its size and it's one-note. It doesn't look plump and delicious, it looks like a fucking brick! I bet a brick would be easier on the palette than this roided up cunt. It's just BIG! It's there and adds nothing apart from people to gawk at saying, fuck me, that's a fucking big tomato! What worth does this bring? What does it add? Nothing, it's a sideshow and a fucking sideshow."

Toss that prick and nail some cunt in the side of the head.

"These turds shouldn't be here, there's a reason why they put locks on toilet stalls."

"And now, because I've had to deal with this bullshit, my chicken is cold. It's juices have left and it's a shallow fragment. A pale, useless cunt that should have been the focus, that should have brought me joy when I took the first bite but now it's a slab of grey meat in a jumble of other bullshit. I refuse to pay for this, I don't want to look at this. I want what I fucking ordered, I want what I deserve! I don't want another shit meal because you cunts can't be fucked to put sides on other plates! Go back, wash up and bring me something new because I am sick and tired of this of being treated like a second class citizen because you cunts are lazy. I'm Top Cunt, I bring people in to gawk at me and take pictures on the sly. You're nothing without me. Show me the respect I fucking deserve."

I push the food away and the waiter bows his head a little as he takes it away.

"The lengths I'll go for a fucking refund."

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment