As the stars glow in the midnight sky, a gibbous moon protrudes slowly over the mountain skyline as our scene envelopes before our very eyes. The sun accelerates it's descent over the opposite skyline and makes a quick exit as if it knew it had to disappear as soon as the camera began to fade into the scene. Miles upon miles of cornfields surround a giant cross protruding high up into the sky far off in the distance. The camera stops panning around on the cornfields and comes to an abrupt stop as it now begins to focus on enlarging the image of the cross far off into the distance.

Closer and closer the camera makes its way towards the enormous wooden cross poking up high into the sky, slowly but surely past the rows of fields as the corn parts down the middle as if making a path by an unseen force for the camera so that the scene can be unfurled before our eyes. The camera finally pans to an open field where all the tall corn plants have been chopped down, making an enormous open area for a giant church to exist, yet still surrounded in all it's 360 degrees around it is miles upon miles of cornfields.

The church is made entirely of white marble and is pristine in both the shining color of it's surface and design structure in how it was constructed, almost as if it were built by some greek god attempting to mimic absolute perfection. The mesmerizing glare reflecting off the surface of the church against the shining rays of moonlight creates an alluring vision that can do nothing but hypnotize the camera into a trance that lures it closer and closer to the massive doorway built of strong and solid oak wood. Towering higher and higher into the sky as the camera moves in closer and closer.

The cross, constructed of this same solid oak as the doors on the front of its entrance, hovers loomingly high over the golden white church as a dark shadow casts the perfect T-structure on the cornfields that follow behind it far off into the distance. The glow from the moon outlining the cross and painting a sinister picture on the horizon as if it were a crop circle drawn by some alien force out over the panoramic view of the massive cornfields. Before the camera arrives at the doorway, a tall sign stands in front of a row of bushes flashing quickly on and off and illuminating with a green and pink neon light.

The sign sticks out like a sore thumb as it's cheap and poor design completely differentiates it from the immaculate marble structure of the church immediately behind it. As the camera pans in closer the glowing lights can finally be distinguished as they spell out...


Beneath the sign is a brief message inscribed with black interchangeable letters on a white background, and unlike most churches and business establishments, it looks as if it has been changed most recently instead of telling you about the daily specials from eight months ago...

I mean, have you ever read a McDonald's sign from some po' dunk city full of fat lazy red neck hillbillies in the south that advertises the McRib only to be let down once you get inside and find out that the new special is some fucking veggie burger? Talk about a cock tease in probably the most unsuspecting place on earth in the middle of Kentucky to have a veggie burger rather than a delicious and saucy McRib! Those sneaky bastards knew exactly what they were doing. TALK ABOUT A TRICK R' TREAT!

.... oh sorry. None the less I must digress because I have a Peter Gilmour promo to narrate later. The black lettering spells out the special meeting for the evening inside the church of Scientology, as it appears that today's church service is going to be in honor of the 'Prevent Child Abuse America' charity foundation. Featuring the one and only Operating Theten Level 8 to ever exist.... Shane !

The camera then rushes to the giant wooden doors as they open to display an enormous and glamours church glowing with bright lights being reflected off the cross and down inside the church's only room. Which is a giant overdrawn open enclosure full of rows upon rows of pews stacked with piles upon piles of people going out worldly outward on and on and on for what seemed like forever as the lens begins now to go into zoom mode and rush us to the forefront of the crowd where Shane stands on a stage before the crowd giving a sermon to all those listening. He is dressed in full Christian garment white robes like a minister and bears the sign of the cross across his chest and a necklace around his neck that is a golden potato.

Shane : "Ah yes! The camera crew for the public service announcement! Come one, come all! Let us all preach to the loving nature of Science and protect us from the evils of child abuse. That's why I have brought together, the mind of the greatest scientist to ever live, along with the power of the 'Prevent Child Abuse America.' One of, if not the most important and charitable organizations to join in the fight against Chris Page and his onslaught of your precious and helpless children.

We must stop the aliens from not only invading our souls and thetan levels but from consuming our communities and destroying humanity through climate change! Science proves that climate change is real, and Chris Page is essentially the Climate Change of Child Abuse and the worst and most important thing we all need to focus on destroying! Help donate to our cult charity today! In time, YOU can be as fucked up and twisted as the rest of the world and join in this crazy little thing we call love. Explore the realm of subconscious insanity with me! Amen! Rest in Peace Chubby Fletcher! May SATAN! have mercy on your worthless soul. Wagle Baga! Boogey-woogie- Woo-Woo Happy Halloween Mother Fucker!"

Shane starts screaming at the top of this lungs more random obscenities and more mumbling mumbo jumbo that makes absolutely no sense. He pulls out a glass pipe in the shape of four separate chambers all shaped like potatoes and puts his lips on its glass surface, rather than just using a normal lighter Shane has a blowtorch beneath the glass potatoes igniting a giant flame and emitting a layer of smoke up into his lungs from each chamber. He exhales as his eyes roll into the back of his head.

Shane : "Ahhhh..... Fuck yes, another Quaddrupio hit of that good stuff that hits you harder than six hundred and sixty six pots of coffee. Suck my dick, Starbucks! I found my new upper! I'm going to need something a lot harder than the 'chronic' to get me through this shit storm that's brewing on Warfare! Need to get me some of that 'crystal!' so that I can actually have a good time and then easily forget about it!"

Shane takes another hit and exhales slowly as a massive cloud of smoke hovers above him and into the air. Almost in slow-motion, it starts swirling in the area immediately above Shane's head. The camera goes into an even deeper focus and zooms slowly as stream clouds of the smoke pass before your eyes, as the camera zooms closer and closer inside the cloud of smoke until the entire scene is engulfed in nothing but a black haze.

Eventually, a conglomeration of colors starts to form far off in the background and the camera zooms in closer to reveal what appears to be the sign from out front. The sudden transportation from inside to outside seems a bit strange in the manner that it occurred, but none the less we are standing once again in front of the white sign with neon lettering. Lighting up and flickering faster and harder than before. As the camera approaches you can read a new block of letters, as someone miraculously must have changed what they said on the front of the white sign? They too are now glowing and flickering with different neon colors back and forth between green and pink.

The incredible story that Scientologists believe involves a galactic overlord by the name of Xenu, a volcano, and souls that attach themselves to newborn babies.


The Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice.


The camera zooms past the sign and now retains its focus back on the cross as it was when we first joined this crazy adventure. High up in the air over the church, the camera now meanders it's way upwards towards it once again, like an amazing panoramic shot being done out of a helicopter. It continues to zoom on past the wooden cross and into the shadow it casts behind the church and into the vast acres of cornfield behind it. Now focusing back down towards a new scene in the cutout cornfields down below.

The giant cross's shadow on top of the church casts another section of the cornfield that is cut out to the exact precision of the shadow being cast by a full moon at exactly 3:00 am. Two moons casting two distinct shadows at the exact same time. Surely, this must be the witching hour! This giant T shaped cross crop circle ceased to exist just moments ago and must have now been made visible at this exact moment as the moons cast it's shadow loomingly over this exact portion of the church at this exact moment in time.

That can only mean that some super dark and evil shit is going on out in this abandoned cornfield! As the camera makes way to the center of the giant cross crop circle behind the giant church. It focuses on slowly towards the center of the meeting of the crosses, where a strange gathering of people has come together to reveal a giant stage. In the center of that stage, now bowing before a crowd of nobody, is none other than the greatest scientist to ever walk the face of this earth.


Bill Nye the Science Guy: "Climate change is happening, humans are causing it, and I think this is perhaps the most serious environmental issue facing us. I don't think anyone wants to deny SCIENTIFIC FUCKING FACTS that this is real and the fate of our great planet is in terrible danger if we don't immediately do something about it! Even though I studied mechanical engineering at Cornell, and nothing remotely within the realm of meteorology or environmental engineering. I had a popular television show talking about middle school Science stuff for years which makes me way more credible than having those types of degrees! I also have a Master's degree in mind control and brainwashing, but that's beside the point!

Drastic times have come folks. Science says that the only way to save our planet now is to eliminate children so that the population can sustain the amount of people that we still have on earth! Scientific evidence proves, and once again who can argue with the ever-powerful all-mighty force of mother fucking science, that we need to sacrifice and eat babies in order to save our poor planet from climate change! I've taken a look at the statistics, the figures, and I've looked at all the climate change patterns in all the entire existence of Earth and I've looked at only the mother fucking facts folks!"

Bill Nye steps aside to reveal behind him a laptop facing away from the camera. He begins typing keys and shoves his face directly in front of the screen, so close that it seems both awkward and unnecessary, yet he seems to get a better idea of what he's about to say by slamming his face as close to the laptops screen as possible. The screen still completely remaining out of the camera's view as if he were trying to conceal what it truly has to show.

Bill Nye the Science Guy: "We don't even have twelve years left folks! Our time is NYE! and we must do everything we possibly can to solve the problem now before we're all dead from the polar ice caps melting into the sea and causing the ocean's tides to change, and then they fuck up the alignment of the moon, and eventually rape everyone's daughters, sisters, and mothers all at the same time with the same giant climate change raging hard and veiny cock!
The climate gets all horned up and we all get fucked! Global Warming becomes Global Horning! Look at these facts people!"

Bill Nye starts slamming his fingers against the laptop's computer screen, tracing and poking his finger deeper and deeper into the screen with each poke. He still appears to be hiding its true origin of what is on its screen.

Bill Nye the Science Guy: "If you don't all start eating and sacrificing babies right now, then you should all be thrown in jail. Climate change deniers have no right to be walking the streets, and should probably be executed in the most dehumanizing and painful way such as the witches in Salem. They will watch hours upon hours of the reruns to my popular television program for teenagers until they finally agree with me or they will be burned at the fucking stake! Today, we show you two ways that you can help save the planet!"

Bill Nye pulls on a curtain string he was holding onto this entire time, and from behind him a backdrop of a fake skyline that we all saw before falls and now reveals a new scene of a giant teeter-totter weight machine scale.


On one half of the weight machine scale, we have the lovely and luscious Isabella Ravenwolf standing over a pail, with a screaming infant dangling by only it's left foot with a light grasp from her left hand barely around its ankle. On the other half, sitting at a long table is the demonic do-badder himself, Unknown Soldier! Sitting at what appears to be a table designed for a hot dog eating contest with a paper plate and plastic silverware in front of him.

There are two other place settings that are empty, as the other two contestants have decided to not show up? Beneath each place setting for consuming a picnic lunch for a preschooler, is a name card lit up in light bulbs as if they were all about to compete on an episode of Jeopardy! Unknown Soldier is sitting directly underneath his designated seat while the two missings name tags are revealed to be Cyren and HOGM (Head of Gilmour's Mother)! Sad they couldn't be here today to help consume!

Bill Nye the Science Guy: "BEGIN!"

In that instant that word left his lips Isabella Ravenwolf sliced off the head of the screaming infant and cast it's lifeless body into the pail immediately beneath her feet, the scale dips slightly in her favor. From above, on a scaffold hanging high up in the air, the sick and depraved sidekick of Shane , and former manager for Unknown Soldier, Greggo sits licking his lips! He's got a wheelbarrow full of living babies stocked to the brim. He dumps the wheelbarrow into a funnel that leads directly on top of both Unknown Soldier's half of the weight machine, and Isabella Ravenwolfs.

As the babies come to Ravenwolf, she proceeds to slaughter them sadistically in some type of witches' ritual. Tearing out their insides as miniature random bits of organs and body parts go flying about in the air as if they were giant bits of confetti. Soldier, on the other side of the scale, leans his head back even further revealing a large throat with rows of sharp teeth. Just like the clown Pennywise did in those IT movies when he was consuming children left and right. His jaw stretches open to reveal a dark hole with glowing white lights fading off far back in his throat.

Holy fuck did that sequel fucking suck! It was so long and drawn out and had the same shitty ending just like the damn book! They even tried to troll themselves by having Stephen King himself admit that his original ending was shit with some character in the movie! But then still proceeded to make the ending COMPLETE SHIT ANYWAY! They double fucking trolled us all those Hollywood bastards! Oh, shit it's time for double the digression on this one too!

Soldier's throat opens wide with large rows of sharp vicious teeth and he begins swallowing children whole, tearing at their hearts and souls with his vicious teeth and dark evil dead lights staring back a the infant's eyes. Stealing their souls for SATAN! He washes them down frequently with a Dixie cup full of what we can only assume to be the blood of these innocent children. The scale continues to tip back and forth, never really giving either side the favor as Bill Nye jumps up and down with glee on the ground below. He consults his laptop computer again, this time once again treating the screen like he was looking into a microscope rather than viewing it like a normal person would by holding it further back a few more feet away from their face. Still, no sign of the actual spreadsheets or data that he's got his eyes literally glued to.

Bill Nye the Science Guy: "Yes! Yes it's working! The polar ice caps are returning! Feast my little freaks --- errrr I mean friends...... FEAST!"

He slams his face and fingers frantically into the computer laughing like a banshee with his head tilted back up towards the heavens. Greggo continues bringing wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow of children and dumping them down the respective funnels and to their immediate gruesome deaths. Neither side still seems to be getting the advantage as hundreds, upon thousands, upon millions of babies are either sacrificed or eaten by Isabella Ravenwolf and Unknown Soldier.
Only tilting the scale back and forth, but never completely giving way to either side.

Bill Nye the Science Guy: "YES! YES! YES YES YES YES YES It's all for you Lord Xenu!"

He becomes so excited flailing his arms in the air with his head tilted back laughing maniacally and methodically up into the sky, that he unwillingly drops his laptop from his hands. The laptop tumbles to the ground and eventually, lands face up directly in front of the camera shooting the scene in front of our eyes to reveal the real contents of it's broadcast. Bill Nye smashes the camera and stops the feed being broadcast to you as quickly as he can, but not before we can catch a slight reveal as to what was on the screen of his laptop.


"When I look back at my most recent promo, I have to go back to its title and subtitle to help explain the recent behavior that has just come out of the two biggest idiots that the XWF has to offer. Clearly I was right on both accords. Drezdin was clearly drunk because of the way he went on to describe some Unknown Soldier vs James Raven match nobody is aware of, and then somebody else was too fucking stoned to even realize I laid down a match stipulation for our match for the following episode of Warfare for the challenge he laid down before me. This idiot decides to show up on Warfare after my match with Drezdin demanding I name a match stipulation and he hopes it's a plain old fashion' wrasslin' match! Uh, hello, earth to some shit head, clean out your fucking ears and wipe your damn eyes and pay closer attention moron!

He sure did manage to pick up on my acceptance to his challenge but seems pretty fucking foolish and stupid looking now when you look at the tapes and see that I issued a match stipulation hours before Drezdin and I even stepped in the ring. Did you get so fucking high and forget what I said? No, you know what I know what it was! I think he just got such an enormous erection the instant I gave him a Universal Title match that he challenged me for, that he decided not to watch the rest of my promo like the pompous ass that he is! For a guy that goes around talking about how much you hate this place, you sure have quite the infatuation for this Universal title I currently control!

As soon as I fucking mention it you go completely comatose and suddenly have the attention span of a five-year-old with ADHD and stop listening to the rest of the promo where I explained the match stipulation. It's like tossing a fake ball to a dog as he goes to chase it, and is every time let down when he realizes the ball is tucked behind my back to begin with, and I never threw it in the first place. Yet he still stupidly goes on chasing no matter how many times I keep fake tossing it in the air. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!"

Soldier holds the title by the edge of one of the straps of the belt and starts swaying it back and forth like a pendulum high over his head. The camera tries to reach and grab the Universal title but Soldier keeps pulling it just out of reach like watching a pet leap for one of its treats to be let down every time by just a mere matter of inches. He starts swaying it back and forth as if trying to hypnotize anyone who may be watching.

"You know what , I'm going to give you this boring wrestling match that you want anyway, despite your idiocy and hypnotized little mind with this here Universal Title! Forget that awesome UnHoly Hell Hole in a Cell Whole match stipulation I made for the festive Halloween season! It's Haloween time and every other match in the XWF everyone will be bobbling for apples, Trick ' Treat streetfighting, Spooky and interesting match stipulations to fit the holiday season.

And what will the most well-known horror-like and evil character in the XWF be doing during this appropriately festive time? Oh nothing, I'll just be in some long boring Bob Backlund standard wrestling match with the shittiest wrestler of all time. THAT'S ALL! No apple bobbing for me! No skeletons in the closet, monster mash, or witches brew or interesting creative festive fun for Unknown Soldier and all the fans who love their spooky little Solja' Boy! Because Mr. Shit Bag here has to be his usual boring self and get this shitty match stipulation so that I can finally shut him the fuck up!"

But guess what my SATAN! loving little psychopaths, I'm not going to let him get away without getting embarrassed and humiliated by yours truly that easily, no siree BOB----bin' for Adams apples like Count Dracula on some unsuspecting dudes neck! He can have his boring little standard wrestling match, which I'll beat him at anyway and may be more likely to actually kill members of the crowd then everyone else in their crazy Haloween themed match stipulations because the match might actually bore them to death! But the winner will not be determined by pinfalls or submissions. Hell, the fuck to the no!

This match will be similar to an 'I Quit' match, except instead of saying 'I Quit' you will need to lean over, right up into Peter Gilmour's ears, and admit what a little bitch you are! That's right! This will be an 'I IS A BITCH' match because that's what you will have to confess to Peter Gilmour who will be ringside for this event waiting for the loser to tell him they are, in fact, the biggest of a bitch!

You want to know why I accepted this match, huh everyone!? I mean, does anyone obviously think that this piece of shit can actually stand a chance against me and is worth any amount of my time at all whatsoever? He's not even worthy of me calling him by name, because in reality he's just 'Some shitty wrestler from some shitty fed' and is a total and complete waste of my time. The same guy that couldn't topple Robert Main twice, even though I managed this simple feat in a matter of a month's time?! No, this jack-off has bullied by bub Peter, and for that, I will ensure that Peter is avenged! I will embarrass and humiliate him in front of the entire world when he bends down right in front of Peter and admits what a little bitch he really is right to his face! The loser of this match will admit they are a little bitch to Peter, just as you would an 'I Quit' match!

The ironic thing about this entire situation is that even though this shitty wrestler sits and pokes fun at Peter Gilmour, he's essentially a fucking replica of Peter. All bark and no bite. The foolish dog analogy earlier in my little diatribe here is no different in this scenario either. He comes in here and runs his mouth spewing off hours upon hours of foolish nonsense and wastes everyone's time by not delivering when the time comes. HE'S PETER FUCKING GILMOUR in a nutshell! Practically a fucking clone! The only real difference is that Peter has actually been a Universal Champion, while Shitty McShitterson here has not! ;)

It's also even more ironic that last Warfare I faced off against drezdin who is threatening to quit after he gets his 25 dream matches or whatever the fuck it was. I think we heard the same rhetoric from 'shit head' here time and time again after I cashed in on Robert Main and he cried about how he was fucked over by 'management in the back' and was going to quit. Sound familiar? The only difference here is everyone actually wants Drezdin to stay around and entertain us with his stupidity and have his twenty-five matches, whereas with this douche bag we all would just assume just leave. Back to some shitty fed where he can be in the main event competing for the same shitty title with Robert Main until the end of time.

When you walked around here pretending to be 9/10 of the Universal Champion or whatever silliness that was all about since possession you say is 9/10 of the law or whatever asinine deductive reasoning you tried to convince yourself of that you thought was catchy and unique. What you really should have been focusing on was being 1/10 of as talented as me, because then maybe you could have actually beaten Robert Main. Because let me tell you something shit for brains, it was really that fucking easy for me!

You see, I'm not like Peter and have to resort to childish insults to get my point across. No; you see, all I have to do is point out the facts. You're not a at all, the fact of the matter is your nothing but a mother fucking loser! Lose! Lose! Lose! Left and right and day and night you lose matches. That's all you ever do, and that's exactly what you'll do on Warfare when you squeal like a little piggie to Peter Gilmour's face!

You see, your just like the rest of the lot of these losers here in the XWF. Taking cheap and easy shots at Peter Gilmour for an easy target. Just think about how good that makes you look when all you can do is fling the same similar childlike insults back at Peter that he directs at you? Does that really make you feel empowered that the 666 other wrestlers that walked through that XWF door did the same thing as you? What you don't understand about Peter and me is this. I'm so fucking good that I can actually make him look good and even if it seems like I'm insulting him now, he knows it's to point out the pathetic nature of your insignificance and ignorance compared to me!

You're nothing but the stereotypical sack of shit that can't find anything better to do than throw a Peter Gilmour insulting joke in every single one of his promos so that he'll get a high five from the last guy that did it the day before as you chuckle like a couple of chums telling a bunch of knock-knock jokes back and forth to one another! It's time someone taught you a lesson and treats you like the little bitch that you really are when you cry about how unfair you got things when the fact of the matter is you just plain suck. 'Oh whoa is me you say, Soldier has a briefcase and he's cashed in on Robert Main and came between our little romance and I don't want to share him in a big love triangle at Relentless! Boo Fucking Hoo!'

The two of us receive an enormous amount of boos from the crowd, but you know what? The people actually hate me! I think the reason they actually boo you is that your fucking boring and we've heard the same monotonous crap come tumbling out of your mouth for months upon months now. They boo you in a Roman Reigns sort of way as their just getting sick and tired of watching you put on this same song and dance over and over again. It's boring. You're boring, and you're proving my point even more so by wanting to hold this lame and shitty plain ol' regular wrasslin' match stipulation!

I'm going to bend you over my knee and spank you for the entire XWF to see with Peter Gilmour sitting right in the front fucking row laughing and giggling the entire time waiting for you to admit the truth about yourself to not only him but the entire wrestling universe! Including all those same loser friends that are just like you from some shitty fed!"

Soldier holds up the Universal title as a droplet of human shit comes trickling down the side. He licks it up and swallows it whole with a long tongue split down the center like a snake.

"That's from when you wiped your ass with this here title at Relentless as I haven't washed it since! That's why I call you 'some shitty wrestler' because the only thing you're capable of leaving a mark here on the XWF and on this Universal title is a shit stain. On the next episode of Warfare, you'll be the one eating my shit and begging me for mercy!"