’STRALIA



“You know I’ve never seen a fucking roo in my life?”

I say to Alex whilst he rolls a ciggie. He nods, the mess of blonde bobbing like a Shih Tzus humping his head.

“You don’t really in the city though, do you mate?”

“He’s roight.”

Bruce interrupts in his deep voice from across the garage, he’s got his fucking shirt off again. Look at the state of those tits, chubby little cunt.

“They don’t loike cities do dey, Noah!”

“They certainly don’t, Bruce. Good job.”

He makes a pleased grunt like the ape he is, giving a goofy smile before going back to set up his drums. I take a swig from a can beside me. Alex lights up his ciggie and chills back on the couch.

“But the point I’m getting at is everyone thinks ‘Stralia is just bush, roos and drop bears, like it’s pretty racist in my opinion. We do have civilisation.”

Alex squints at me, huffing out a cloud of smoke.

“Cunt, you’re pretty fucking racist yourself.”

“Harmless casual racism though mate, I’m a pure-blooded Aussie, it’s ingrained into my DNA but I can’t go letting other countries think they can cross that line. That’s our fucking job.”

“I don’t like the asians, meself!”

“Doubt they think of you so kindly either, Bruce.”

“The fuck we talking about you mad cunts?”

Jack-o walks in underneath the garage door, giving a kind slap to Bruce’s bare back as he bounces in.

“Noah’s never seen a roo.”

Jack-o scoffs.

“The fuck you been cunt? Never looked out a window?”

“You live in the fucking bush Jack-o, you have roos kicking in your front door. Your fucking alarm clock’s a Cane Toad.”

Alex chuckles.

“Bet you use a Platypus as a doorstop.”

I laugh, Jack rolls his eyes.

“Have to settle with an Echidna as a comb, you sad cunt.”

He cracks a smile, nodding along to the banter.

“An ya mum’s ded, Jack-o!”

Bruce cackles to himself as we all give him an odd look. He’s a special bloke. Lucky Jack’s mum died when he was kid, so he got over it. Least I hope so… Actually I don’t hope so, Jack-o is a cunt. His face squinches as he looks up to the roof in deep thought.

“Would you fight a roo?”

“Fucking too right!”

I tank the stubbie and toss the empty can behind me, taking another and cracking it open before grabbing the neck of my bass and thumbing the strings with my spare hand.

“I would if it was consensual, like if Kangaroos were sentient.”

“Sapient!” Bruce hollas from across the room. “Der already sentient, you mean sapient which means they got an ed like humans do.”

“Putting that sociology degree to good use, Bruce.”

Alex and Jack chuckle a little; Alex spins around to me.

“So when you fucking off to the states, cunt?”

“Bout when your mums done spinning on my dick.”

“Pff, cunt. One that’s necrophilia and two it’s insensitive.”

“I’d shag a zombie if it looked like your mum, mate. That’s a compliment.”

Jack-o shakes his head and walks back out to his van on the drive, Alex turns to me still smoking away.

“When are you leaving us then, mate?”

“Fair soon I reckon. Got a match sorted with this Sheila, Ruby but she’s quitier than a hare on a hawk’s plate and got this other match against two other cunts on the 24th.”

Alex stubs out the rollie into the ashtray and grabs his guitar; joining in on the low rhythm I’m mindlessly strumming.

“Anyone we know?”

“Centurion.”

“Get fucked!” He says in a shocked awe. “As if he’s still kicking, he was fucking sick, mate. He used to be one of my favourites.”

“Yeah, he was great. Shame now though like.”

“What’s up with him now? “

“Just a sad old man, mate. Used this cunt Raven as a crutch.”

“Hold up, not James Raven!”

“Yes cunt, James Raven don’t fucking interrupt.”

“He was siiiick, cunt.”

“Again, was. Fucking hell can I finish what I was saying now?”

Alex motions his arm with an open palm, allowing me to proceed with my fucking train of thought.

“Anyway, the geriatric bitch considers beating a pair of people, literally called jobbers, a good step in the right direction. He’s so fucking cracked he thinks Final Fantasy is a sick line to end on like I know he’s old school but he’s bringing retirement home to the picture. I don’t even know what the fuck he is! Calls himself Centurion, has moves called 1000 Mile Slam and Fall of Rome… Ends his promos with a fucking video game. How dumb can you actually be to not know what you’re even about?”

“That’s like me ending every promo I do with ‘And divided we fall.’ Means literally nothing to nobody, doesn’t get across who I am or what I’m about. They’d think I’m a yank. Any money the first cunt to watch a Cent promo thought ‘oh cool, this nerd likes Japanese RPGs.’ The icing on the raisin and welfare check cake is that the old codger actually thinks he’s getting his career back on track after this bullshit win where Raven had to carry him for a 1000 miles against the weakest the XWF has to offer and he thinks that back in his day, things were better!”

“How fucking full of yourself can you be? Times change you old cunt; we go through eras. Not everyone was interested in long-winded promos about how my clothesline is much better than Big Steve’s lariat. No one gives a fuck about old names being brought up that only you care about! Oh shit; that bitch was around between May 2003 and January 2004! Wow! What a fucking legend, here guys, this is my take on this person! Would anyone like some hard candy while I regale you with my thirty-minute long promo about how I once saw a coloured individual drink from the whites-only water fountain?”

“Go fuck yourself, Cent! Call me a barbarian because I’m knocking down your walls and taking you off this pedestal you’ve made for yourself you doe-eyed, washed up, has-been. Make sure you take your dentures out while sucking this dick. Welcome to 2019 cunt, here’s my artistry painting the canvas with your blood and using your tears after verbally abusing you to moisten my palette.”

“Noah.”

“Yes, Alex?”

"Are you cutting a promo, mate?”

“... Well fuck me dead, Alex. I suppose I am.”

“Ah gnarly!”

Jack-o walks back in carrying two amps under his arms.

“Hey, Jack-o. Noah’s cutting a promo.”

“Cunt couldn’t cut bread if he tried.”

We giggle.

“Go on then, who you giving digs too?”

“Well now Ned Kaye.”

“No way! Loved him in the indies.”

“Cunt’s sick, I follow him on Twitter. Don’t even need to watch XWF with him calling play by play with tweets.”

“And the cunt has a Universal title shot because he can tweet. That’s what it takes to impress the champ! Lose a title match, tweet, repeat. That should be his fucking tagline, oh yeah he beat Rogan! Fucking Rogan, cunt. He sucks worse than Jobber Wan, Too, Tre and fucking For. Fuck me, he gets followers while I have the most viewed debut video this year! I bring Fuzz back from the grave and give the cunt the confidence to go on a killing spree! I make Robert Main back off and shut the fuck up in under a minute! Where’s my title shot!? Greasy little cunt even needs a dude in a gimp suit to tell him how to cut a semi-decent promo!”

“Indie darling says he earned everything on his own, now he’s getting the golden boy treatment and everything handed to him on a fucking silver platter. Hypocritical little cunt. Tell you what master planner, how you gonna figure out a wildcard like? Is this bullshit gonna give you the answers? Go fuck yourself, why don’t you ask Vinnie Lane to cameo in your next promo so he can give you the rub when actual talented wrestlers like myself climb up the ladder and earn our shots. Waste of fucking space and time.”

“You might understand this, cunt. I can write a novel about how much better I am; all you can do is fit your resume into a single tweet. Ned's dead baby, he just has other people propping up his corpse like Weekend at Bernie's pushing him through new moves he should have been taught at wrestling school, but bet the spoon fed cunt just decided to skip that rung of the ladder too."

“Drums are good!”

Bruce shouts; Alex starts to stand.

“Bout time, cunt. What we playing Noah?”

I down the last of my stubby.

“Divided we fall.”

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment