The screen is black...

A familiar voice-over can be heard. Maybe it's the guy who narrates movie trailers or some random homeless man that Drew Archyle met while wandering the streets of Australia.

Either way...Voice-over.

March 5th 2018...XWF Presents Turning Point...

Drew Archyle versus Scully versus John Holliday versus Chris Chaos, a match that would be Drew Archyle's 3rd Television Title Defense in as many weeks.

Except that it wasn't. A pre match attack by Chris Chaos ally Erik Black resulted in Drew Archyle being removed from the match due to injury. It was later revealed that Drew Archyle sustained a traumatic brain injury that left him comatose for almost 8 months.

But now...

Drew is woke. Or woken. Or awoken. I don't know, it doesn't matter really matter does it?


No it doesn't. The voice of Drew Archyle says as the screen shifts from pitch black to a scene in which Drew Archyle is sitting on a bent metal folding chair in the middle of very dark room. The only light that can be seen is coming through a small window to the right of where Drew is sitting.


Hello men, women and transgender folks of the XWF family it is I Drew Archyle back from an 8 month slumber and boy have I got a lot to fill you in on. Now I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "Drew, you were laying in a bed in a coma for 8 months, how much could have possibly happened during that time?" And the truth is, not much but if I don't do this video package I won't meet my match quota so allow me to drone on for the next several minutes, or as you people are fond of saying "Oh joy another Jessalyn Hart promo".

So before we get into the current happenings that precipitated my return I want to address the XWF's resident beta cuck bitch boy, Chris Chaos.

Now I'm certain that Chris won't know that I am even speaking about him right now because Chris only pays attention to the things he wants to, the things that involve him, or the things that he wants to involve himself in, so I am depending on all you millennials out there to turn this into sound bytes and tweet and retweet this to Chris so that maybe he catches it.

So here's the deal Chris... Drew says as he moves his face a few inches closer to the camera, you know, for effect and shit.

Chris a few months back you had your hired henchmen, a sore loser and all around assclown named Erik Black attack me before our scheduled match at Turning Point. You knew that there was no way you were going to beat me, especially with two other people in the match trying to get the title themselves, so you did what you always do, had someone else do your dirty work. And for the first time, probably ever, it worked. I was out of the match and you walked out the champion. You stole from me Chris. And while the easiest thing to do would be for me to challenge Mastermind to a match and beat him in the minimally required 4 seconds that just doesn't sound fun to me. And you know me Chris, I'm all about having fun.

So here's what I'm going to do...I see that predictably the second my buddy Big Dick Bob won the Universal Title you pushed yourself to the front of the line demanding a match for his title. Of course Bob being the swell guy he is he told you in not so many words to fuck off. Bob is of course a very fair and willing champion, he is willing to give you a shot at his title should you comply with his requirements but I'm here to tell you that it won't be as easy as exercising some self control and beating an opponent of his choosing. No sir. I am going to make it my personal mission to fuck up every single chance you get to come for his title. Every contenders match you are put into...I'll be there. When you face whoever Bob wants you to face...I'll be there. When you take your next dump...I won't be there but I want you to pause for just one second before you drop your pants and wonder...will Drew Archyle be here? I'm gonna be so in your head that I'll be paying rent. Believe that.

Drew sits back in his chair, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hot dog. No bun, just one fairly rubbery and flaccid hot dog. It takes two bites and the hot dog vanishes into the depths of Drew's stomach.

Now let's talk about being in a coma, it's a pretty trippy experience to be honest with you. It was like having your arms and legs strapped down, your eyes covered and your mouth covered. You could hear everything but do nothing. I heard everything people said. The nurses, the doctors, the "experts" that said I'd be a vegetable for the rest of my life and that my best buddy Robert should just pull the plug. Thankfully Bob had more faith in me than the so called experts because as you can all see for yourselves, I'm not a vegetable and I still don't eat vegetables. I was able to keep up with some of the XWF's goings on as for some reason it was constantly playing on the TV in the room. I assume that was Bob's doing but who knows. I do remember very specifically the time Bob and one of my nurses had sexual congress on my bed. Based on the way my bed moved I'm guessing the nurse was a very large woman. Like obscenely big. And I'm not judging, at all. Just stating facts. People should feel free to love and love on who they want. Gay, straight, whatever. You do you. But don't you ever just grab a woman by the pussy. That shit's not cool man. Women should be treated with respect.

Which leads me to the last thing I want to discuss before I take my daily constitutional in the corner over there and that is the internal struggle I am having with the fact that my return match in the XWF pits me and Bob against two females. Now let me be clear here, I am a fairly progressive person when it comes to social issues. I am all for women being out in the workplace and earning a living. I am all for women doing whatever men can do, including wrestling. But momma Archyle God rest her soul, she brought me up right and she told me that I should never, ever, under any circumstances raise my hands to a woman. And yet here I am a few weeks away from being forced to do just that.

I understand that our opponents, the current tag team champions of the XWF knew when they signed up to work here that they would most likely be pitted against men, and I too understood that I would most likely have to face women. In fact, in my very first ever match in this fed I faced a young girl named Ginger Snaps for the Hart Title. I won but I couldn't even celebrate that victory. Not because XWF management took the title from me like 5 seconds after winning it. I couldn't celebrate because I had to lay hands on a woman and I felt shitty about it. And now I have to do it again...and that sucks man. I really don't want to do it. I don't. Why couldn't Gilmour and McBride retain the titles for one match longer so I wouldn't have to do this? Useless twats.

Jessalyn, Vita, I want you both to know that what happens on January 16th, it's not personal. At all. I don't really know either of you but I'd imagine that if I did I'd probably like you both. You both seem like swell cats. You've both been pretty successful during your time here in the fed and I wish you both nothing but the best, truly but in a few weeks that bell is going to ring and I am reluctantly going to do what I have to to ensure that Robert and I walk out the new tag team champions. Anything less would be a failure on my part and I can't let Robert down, not after he literally saved my life by not pulling the plug when everyone told him he should. I owe Robert a lot. I owe him everything and on Wednesday January 16th I am going to start the task of repaying Robert for the second chance he gave me. I'm sorry that you two will be on the receiving end of that. But maybe we can go out for some shrimp on the barbie afterwards?

Drew gets up from his chair, walks towards the camera and with his left hand ends the feed.