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Who Wants to Buy a Nintendo?
08-01-2017, 09:57 PM
Post: #1

The image wiggles a bit as as Calypso steps away from his filming device (most likely smartphone) (the new S8 of course).

He stares at the screen for a minute and puckers his lips.

"Sup XWF."

He winks and folds his arms like Mr. T then waves his hands very mystically.

"Calypsoooooooo is coming to Warfare, FOOLS!"

He clicks a remote and there's a loud applause coming from somewhere in his amazing condo.

"What Am I doing? Well, I'm going there to play some Super Mario."

Calypso clicks the remote and again and the crowd chants and cheers again.

"I've never really been much of a gamer, but hey, who can't play Mario? I mean, it was made in like 1983, right? I'm not coming unprepared, homies."

Calypso picks up his cellphone and carries us across the room to his large, exquisite entertainment center in his MAN CAVE.

"Take a look at THIS sheeeiiit. I'll be practicing!"

Calypso pauses for a moment then gets the shittiest grin anyone could ever possibly make.

"Oh, I know what you're thinking. L-O-L. How's this mo fo playing Mario when he don't even have a Nintendo?!"

Calypso carries his smartphone video device across the room to an old box TV with something under a golden trimmed towel on top of it. Calypso reaches for the cover and removes it!


Revealed is a vintage Nintendo Gaming System and it looks brand spanking new. Calypso closes in on the Nintendo and then takes his own close-up.

"What do you think of THAT?"

Calypso nods with a solid look on his face.

"I paid $1500 for the sumbitch. Ha ha! Found an ad on Craigslist for an old vintage antique store just out of downtown New York. As you all know, I ADORE that kind of shit. I adore New York. AND I wanna rack me up some frequent flyer miles. So I checked the place out! There was some amazing shit in there and some old Asian dude ran it. Well, he kind of sat there and his little grand daughter helped out. Anywho's, the one thing that caught my eye, was the NES lying behind the counter."

Calypso sets his phone back down and props it pointing up at him as he stands tall over it.

"It was crazy though, he said it wasn't for sale. I looked around and pointed out that it was just as much of an antique as everything else and he still wouldn't budge. It looked truly amazing. After being denied a thousand times, I finally left the old man and his grand daughter in disappointment."

Calypso clicks the remote and the crowd sound sighs and cries in remorse.

"But all was not lost! The little girl met me outside with it, they must've needed the money. I would've gladly paid any amount for it. Let's give it a try shall we?"

Calypso grabs the phone and sets it on the table facing him and the TV as he sits in front of it Indian-style. He turns on the TV and the picture is all jumbly and screwy.

"What the ffffffffff?"

He hops up to his feet and resets the machine. It loads back up to the same thing.

"Fucking shit."

He unplugs it from the back then back in and tries again.

Same thing. Different colors this time though.

Calypso looks pissed and powers it off again, removes the cartridge and blows in it from up to down. The blows in the Nintendo himself. He then remembers something that the little girl had told him when he made his purchase.

"Okay, Mr.! Thanks a alot! Now remember what I tell you! Don't get them wet or you'll fry it! It never work again! Don't stay up after midnight playing this, it's bad for you! And never! Never! Never! Never blow into it or the games!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah kid... Hey, thanks a lot! Tell your grandpa thanks, too!"

"He's stubborn old man! We need money!"

Calypso comes out of his daze and realizes he's been staring off into space for a few minutes. He looks back to the phone, smiles, and inserts the game back into the machine. The game loads right up and it's none other than Super Mario Bros.

"Oh bay-bay! Finally!"

Calypso pulls the machine down around the TV and sets it on the floor. He grabs a controller and hits the start button.

X 3

LVL 1-1

"Here we gooooooooo!"

Calypso starts his Mario off by running and immediately runs into one of those walking mushrooms and dies.

"Awe! Oh, well! Try again!"

X 2

LVL 1-1

"Here we gooooooo!"

He starts out again, jumps over the mushroom, and straight into one of those ducks with shells and dies again.

"Awe fuck! Over jumped, I guess. Fucking duck, turtle thing."

X 1

LVL 1-1

Calypso starts his Mario out a third time, he makes it to the duck, jumps on the it, and kicks the shell.

"Whooooo!!!! Fuck yeah, bitchass! Fuck you and the shell you live in!"

He jumps and hits a couple of bricks and bounces off them, finally hitting the colored one containing a magic mushroom. The mushroom falls down, he catches it!

"Magic! Magic! Mushrooms! Wuuuut! Magic! Mag---- Awww!"

As he jumps down the shell he just kicked bounced off a pipe and hit him shrinking him immediately back down to little Mario. He then jumps onto a pipe the same time one of those biting plants come out and dies again.

X 0


"Well, fuck you too."

Calypso tosses the controller down.

"That's right, fuck Super Mario Bros. Don't let that performance of mine there fool ya, folks. It wasn't Calypso dying there three times like a little bitch, it was Mario. Get that straight right away. It'll be just like Savage, bro. Or is it Warfare?"

Calypso flips his phone around and glares at it. His big forehead gleams into the picture while he thumbs around through the smartphone. His eyes light up and he flips it back around.

"Warfare! I haven't been on there for a while. I think the last time I was, I beat Ghost Tank in a meathook match. You ready for that intensity Super Mario? You ready for the pain? You ready to get slapped by the five time, five time, five time, five time...."

Calypso counts on his fingers.

"FIVE time Xtreme Wrestling Federation Federweight Champion?"

"That's right. I've won it. Five different times, bitch. How many times have you won it, Mario? How many times have you beaten Ghost Tank? I'm gonna guess around fucking ZERO! Man, if I never seen a bitch talking shit before in my entire life, I've seen one now. I think it's Calypso that's wasting HIS time in this match, bro. Don't you think? I just named off a couple reasons why I've actually MAIN EVENT'd House Shows before. Calypso is the real deal and he's gonna show all you prime time wanna-be's how to get recognized around here."

Calypso presses closer into his phone. So much, you can see his nose hairs.

"Calypso has controlled the Federweight division for far too long. He's controlled you damn hippies on a string. If I put my truest, strongest balls on the line and lay my feelings out for ya, I can beat anyone for that title. In fact, look at James Raven. The man has an Xtreme Wrestling Federation Universal Title Match coming up. I defeated THAT GUY for my fifth reign as Federweight Champ. Calypso did that shit. Think about it, next Pay Per View...... Calypso hunting down the Universal Title..... Believe it. Believe it my bitches."

Calypso stares into the camera very angrily and snarls. Then smiles horrendously

"I'm just kidding. Even I know it's going to take longer than a month to earn my way to the top again. I'm not the known face as I once was, but a silhouette of Ghost Tank slayer that I once was. Once I find my footing again and starting clapping more victims, you can bet your ass I'll be looking for some rewards. Right now, I just can't wait for Sava---- Warfare. I'm looking forward to laying into someone's ass again. It's been so fucking long since I've felt the thrill of really drilling someone. Mario, like Goldberg, you're next!"

Calypso sets his phone down and does a horrible impression of the Golderberg stance while hitting the remote again for cheering before he trots up and turns off his cellphone ending the video.

XWF Record and Accomplishments:
5 x XWF Federweight Champion
Won his debut match on Wednesday Night Warfare, November 19, 2014 against Ghost Tank AKA Phantom Panzer in a Meathook Match!
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