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"The Wolf of Afghanistan" Joshua Schuler · (06-26-2017)

"Mad Dog's White House"

Boy oh boy has it been a long time since I have been in the capital of the United States. Our limousine arrives underneath the White House in the private tunnels and when I say our, I mean the most fucking decorated Secretary of Defense James "Mad Dog" Mattis. Former General in the Marine Corps who I was blessed to have served under. We are sipping top shelf scotch, you bet your ass, some Johnny Walker Blue Label. Just as I finish my iced glass the door is swung open. Upon exiting the limo I am met by a handful of armed Secret Service agents who all are wearing blacked out shades and very professional and smooth functioning suits. Mad Dog one of my personal hero's exits just seconds behind me, one of the agents closes the door behind him, while two others begin feeling me up. Really they are just performing a standard pat down, but I have to be a typical Jarhead in front of one of the JARHEADS!

"Easy there, fellas, usually before I get a tug job I'd buy the tugger something to eat first, I guess you bitches are anxious to see how I swing my bat huh? Shit, you move quicker than a priest at Bible camp on a hairless boy who has a voice of an angel!"

James "Mad Dog" Mattis: "Don’t sexually harass the men devil dog, I swear there is nothing grunts won’t try to stick their dick in. Seriously though I don't need any of these lily lickers breaking down to the, I'm still on mommies teat, department. Only a handful of these dick weeds actually has done anything for their country like myself and of course America's new team the Motherfuckers!"

“All they are so cute thinking they are actual killers and what not in their suits and shades. Give me three real hard bred oh three’s and I’d have you a really fucking security team, sir. I wouldn’t personally be able to lead but if you wanted I could hand pick a team leader and train him up myself. Too busy with doing the blacked out work for America’s protection and making sure the civilians are always nestled in tightly. Plus you know kickin ass in the squared circle for the maddest fucking wrestling circuit out there the Xtreme Wrestling Federation.”

Mad Dog: “Yeah about the XWF I have been informed you have a match against some young man where you’ll be representing the United States in a Xtreme Caged Flag match. Now I don’t know much about professional wrestling but I do know I love my country and that beautiful flag. So what I am saying is don’t you disappoint and let the enemy win, you hear!”

Mad Dog smacks my left deltoid and chuckles like an old barbarian as the secret service agent finishes my pat down. Obviously not the most thorough of searches because the dick wad missed my bunghole gun, yeah I keep a compact twenty-two caliber pistol with a five round mag quenched between my butt cheeks. No shaking what my momma gave me. All jokes aside the agent did a spectacular job, so thorough he almost gave me a chub.

Now with the search out of the way, Mad Dog and I are escorted through the underground tunneling system toward the main shaft entrance into the White House. Once to the shaft security post we scan our security badges and are processed through. Kind of a little much if I do say so myself, fuck one of the most badass motherfuckers to walk this earth has just entered, that alone should be plenty of security. No, I am not like half the roster and have a tiny God complex going on, I am talking about General Fuckin Mad Dog. The elevator doors slide closed and one of the agents presses the up arrow, I look at it light up like all the opportunity at my door when it comes to the XWF and of course the Motherfuckers. The light represents a very bright future ahead for Robbie and me in the XWF, singles and tag divisions.

Clunk!

Clunk.

Clunk.

Clunk. The sound of the old elevator shaft as it begins to send us upward toward the main underground entrance. I turn to Mad Dog with a smile and a couple shakes of my head.

“Well I see at least we aren’t wasting hard earned tax dollars on remodels. Well at least not in this house, Bwarhahahaha!”

Mad Dog: “Fuck I wish I could use some of the fucking money to remodel my house, all my bitches are starting to complain of how the place never changes. Fucking ungrateful gutter whores.”

“Sounds like it may be coming to that time you remodel your bitches sir, I mean who the fuck do they think they are to talk to you like that? Shit if you were ever gracious enough to soak my face in such patriotic and warrior filled baby gravy, I’d never complained.”

Not even the most professional of male agents could remain disciplined after that comment. Everyone in the elevator busts up in laughter, strong enough to cause some to accumulate tears.

Bam!

The elevator comes to an abrupt halt we all go crashing forward into the doors and one another. Everyone besides the great one that is who stands tall and proud, while I have a pistol of an agent jammed into my ass, at least I hope it is a pistol, God only knows with all this fluffy puffy bullshit happening in my beautiful America these days. Thankfully the doors begin sliding open as we all recollect our composure. I look at the agent who was accidentally pressing his pistol into my ass with a confused look of humor.

“I really hope just a second ago your pistol was what violently raped my tight butthole, because if it wasn’t I might have to press charges. Rape is a very serious matter ask some of the anti-gun politicians they’ll tell you your best defense is a whistle and to urinate yourself! You know how I deal with rape?”

Before the agent can answer my face turns from confused and jokingly relaxed to real pissed and violent looking. Quickly I dart forward in a striking posture, the agent quickly reaches for his hip pistol, but I already have taken control of his shooting wrist. Twisted his arm back into a standing kimura, with his own pistol drawn and pressed to his temple. While other agents have drawn their firearms and have taken aim, Mad Dog and I begin to laugh before I whisper into the agent’s ear.

“I end them.”

Before anything seriously fucked up occurs I remove the pistol from the agents head, as well release his arm from the submission. With a smile on my face and the pistol now hanging from my trigger finger as if it is harmless I begin to chuckle before speaking out loud in a normal tone.

“Luckily for you, it was just your pistol, now if the rest of your butt buddies can please put down their firearms we can all go home today without injuries or any traumatic experience.”

Nothing, not a single one of them begin to oblige and refrain from aiming loaded weapons they probably had as much trigger time as a recruit in my beloved Corps gets.

“Now I really didn’t want to have to ask again, but Marines they don’t take to kindly being threatened. We very well could snap at any given second like a caged animal.”

At least they took my threat seriously and don’t plan on retracting their weapons anytime soon. Can’t really blame them since I took their brother at pistol point. Knowing if someone took my brother at pistol point. Well, he’d been on the ground dead and if not dead rapidly bleeding out already. I look to Mad Dog; he just smiles and watches on, one of the men begins to approach slowly while the others keep aim. As he reaches out for the pistol dangling from my finger I quickly kick him in the side of the knee, almost splintering bone.

My finger spins the pistol upward and quickly I eject the magazine from the handle. Catching it in my free hand, I quickly throw it as hard and straight as I possibly could. The full magazine weighing around two pounds possibly smashes right into my target, the throat of one of the agents. I then spin around the falling body of the agent I kicked in the knee to avoid being shot at and quickly pistol whip another agent who’s sidearm is drawn from his holster. The barrel end of the pistol wrecks the agent's jaw, cracking teeth, and splattering blood amongst the white house wall. Mad Dog finally intervenes with a ridiculous smile as he steps dead center of the carnage.

Mad Dog: That’ll do, that’ll do, and no more shit, understood? This man is a special guest of the POTUS and mine. He was merely demonstrating how the fuck protectors of our representatives should conduct themselves. So now if we could please make our way to the damn War Room, there are important matters that need to be discussed. If any of you brat ass agents need medical now is the time to put your resignation on my desk dammit!”

All Mad Dog’s Detail: “Sir, yes, sir! Right away sir!”

Mad Dog doesn’t loose composure while I begin to chuckle a little, trying my hardest to keep my laughs to myself. Not that I wouldn’t respectfully take an ass chewing from one of my heroes I would rather not. One of the untouched agents begins to help the one, who received the bluntest of the punishment, probably will need dental work. The agent receiving the help pulls away angrily and very ashamed almost stumbling through an open door and into someone’s office. How did he not stop a man who had to make it through a few other agents first and take a vicious pistol whip? Probably related to little prince Thaddy.

Suddenly someone of importance makes his way on the scene, not looking very pleased. Looking at Mad Dog who palms his face and begins shaking his head. The man walks slowly right up and into the SOD’s personal bubble and begins whispering something into Mad Dog’s ear. Almost as soon as the man begins to let his words flow, Mad Dog pushes the official away by the throat. Unwrapping his fingers from around the man’s neck his fingers quickly snap together forming a knife hand that he points directly upward at an angle toward the man’s throat.

Mad Dog: “Listen here you worthless turd, I don’t care if my guest would have pulled the trigger and painted the walls with his stupid fucking brains. His training and expertise are required by our nation and he was just joking around with the guys. We could use a lot more of the Marine style moral around here anyways. Every single one of you cum guzzlers in this damn building walk around like you have a broomstick in your Asses! Lighten the fuck up a little and please get us to the damn WAR room. Bearded War Pig needs to be briefed on a need to know the situation and I mean he needed to be brief yesterday! Now if there are no more challenges to my position, let's conduct business as usual dammit!”

Slightly giving the General a few golf claps I smile, admiring that the man still has it even though he is in a whole new world. I slowly walk to Mad Dog and toss my arm around his shoulder and smile. He smiles back and winks.

Mad Dog: “This is Mad Dog’s house and these shit stains will figure it out, one way or another!”

“Mad Dog’s White House!”
----------------------------------------------------

On XWF Camera: Bearded War Pig stands out in the middle of a Parade Deck surrounded by a bunch of recruits being lead through drill by their Drill Instructors. He is wearing a pair of old cut off digital forest bottoms as shorts, the heat on Paris Island, South Carolina is scorching. His shirt is the Motherfucker’s first print in a white tank top, his Motherfuckers hat rests on top of his head, black leather combat boots, and the American Flag in his arms that he is waving graciously and proud as the camera zooms in on him. As his image becomes clearer BWP rests the flag on his left shoulder with a smile and a nod of acknowledgment.

“Hello my fellow Americans and everyone else who belongs to the XWF Universe, it is Bearded Fucking War Pig, you’re next X-treme Champion and well the representation for the greatest country PERIOD, in the Xtreme Caged Flag match. One of the reasons why I am here on this beautiful chunk of land Parris Island. One of the two places that begin the forging of young Marines, the World’s finest fighting force, which happens to reside in America! Now we are getting somewhere, yeah? Good! I’m a part of these filthy animals gun club and I couldn’t be more honored to represent good ole Glory in a battle against someone who salutes another flag.

Obviously, this boy doesn’t want or know how to be the greatest. He salutes the Illuminatus flag claiming to be their leader, at least one of them, because well his father believes the same. Sound familiar, kind of compares to our own civil war or maybe the revolutionary war would be a more suitable comparison. Anyways before I go off track he salutes a flag that could never fathom the life and power the RED, WHITE, and FUCKIN BLUE has instilled within. This flag that I will proudly fly for eternity never surrenders, never retreats, and never takes any shit!

This is the flag I will be waving while rockets burst into air and light up the cage while I properly put Thaddeus Duke’s little arrogant self over my knee. Proceeding to paddle his scrawny ass until the little unappreciative shit understands there is only one flag worth saluting and that is Americas! Maybe the world will realize a decent spanking is actually good for our youth when they need it. Well, hopefully no one takes it as far as I am going to because I’m not disciplining Thaddy boy, no I am going to break him...

This flag has been waved and raised during many battles and well it isn’t even close to being retired, no it will go on long after our lives fade. It is in the thread, this flag is more than just a flag, it represents the lives of the selfless that made the ultimate sacrifice. It represents the tears of the loved ones who had to watch this flag draped over the resting tomb of their heroes. I won’t. I can’t let this flag down or the people who believe in this flag and what it really represents.

Our flag represents freedom. Something I plan to fight tooth and nail, life and death to keep raised so my children and their children can live a peaceful life not worrying about what they can and can’t do. I promise you the people as long as there is a breath in my lungs come July 5th this flag will be waved and raised in yet another victory.

So if you are watching I beg you to all unite as one and remember just what America’s flag represents and the next time you see someone mistreating her, you punch them square in the nose and tell them not today Commie! When you shit on the American flag you aren’t shitting on the politicians you hate, you aren’t making the change you want. You are just being an un-American fucktard who I’d honorably eradicate with any and all offspring included as charity. Free of charge. So if you love this flag as much as I tune into XWF’s Warfare on July Fifth, where I will defend our honor!

No please if you don’t mind I would like to change my attention from the best damn Flag ever. I’d like to speak to my opponent, Thaddeus Duke. So everything here on out is for your ears, Thaddeus Duke!

You a fucking child believe you know what it means to lead? Why? Because you have half of your father's army at your disposal, that doesn’t mean you are a leader little boy. No, that means you were born into a rich and powerful family. So fucking what! I wasn’t born to a rich and powerful family, yet here we are same tier, same main event match. Is it because half of them followed you and didn’t stay under your father’s command? Nope, well maybe a little, but I predict they really chose your side because they would never fear a boy, not even if the boy commanded fear. At least no real warrior would.

A real leader knows in order to complete his tasks sometimes he will have to take the role of the follower and get his hands just as dirty as the men he leads. George Washington a true leader, Napoleon, and many others, who have shed blood with their men, ate with their men, slept with their men, and have gone to war with their men. Now day’s men like to sit in their ivory towers, walled kingdoms, guarded skyscrapers, and even air command bases. Having real leaders biting the bullets, crawling the trenches, and gutting the enemy while he screams for mercy. Now that is a leader.

You may be in charge of more men than I ever would have imagined, but to say I was never the leader or won’t ever come near your status... You are sadly delusional or fucking on some really grand fuckin drugs. I’ve lead men into battle before you had the balls to take stand up against your father. So don’t ever try to go there again. No, I may never call the big shots but those aren’t the ones that matter, no it is the decisions made on the ground. Those are the real leadership calls. Any fucker can sit in an air-conditioned room and make plans to sacrifice and conduct attacks.

It takes a special individual to conduct leadership like men like me. See our decisions are how wars are won and how scum like you Thaddeus don’t lose all of their power. You may be a good leader you may fight next to your foot soldiers from time to time. What you lack is the experience to call yourself more a leader than myself. Hopefully, for your sake, your father has lost touch with his warfighting abilities in his older age because if you stand a chance against him you have a lot to learn. Maybe before your next encounter with your father's forces, we will have met in the cage and maybe you'd had picked up a thing or two about leadership.

I mean come the fuck on Thaddy, you expect people to believe you? Seriously? Look what you did for High Stakes II all because Chrissie Chaos wanted to act like you had this whole imaginary world and army in your head. You pulled your men and airship away from the fight, wasting resources, and manpower all for your ego, it is okay, you’ve got plenty to learn yet. Maybe when you are done playing boy commander you could enlist in a real military and know what it takes to really lead. Oink, Oink Motherfucker!”

BWP begins waving the American Flag again as the program cuts to static.

The end.

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