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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » "Savage Saturday Night" RP Board
Just End My Life, Fam
Author Message
Noah Jackson Offline
Very Serious Wrestler



XWF FanBase:
Hardly anyone to be honest

(booed by most fans; hurts people even when not supposed to; often angry and shitty)


#1
08-09-2019, 05:13 PM

Just End My Life, Fam



Hello again mouth breathers.

Ah.

I see you've made an evening out of this promo; lit candles you have stolen from your mother placed at random amongst your room. My personal favourite is that one with Jesus depicted on it, currently spilling wax onto your PC tower. You tip your fedora at me raising a wine glass filled with Sunny D. Classy, my friend. I understand that you can't drink your usual $4 wine as you're currently undergoing stomach surgery due to being morbidly obese. It's a rocky road you're on, cunt.

You scratch the patchy hair on your toad-like neck, bursting a number of pimples with your fingernails that have not been cleaned or cut in a number of months but why should you? You have no one to impress, not like you even go outside, no my friend, you only live to await a brand new, sick Noah Jackson promo. I know just seeing the scene open up sends you into a hot fluster; you thumb away another button of your creased dress shirt, showing off the untamed mess of nipple hair coating your sweaty man breasts. You see me, sick cunt incorporated, the prince of push and all-around top cunt gliding down the path on my ripper heelies. I carefully avoid any women not wanting to turn my glide into hydro-planing for making all the girlies wet. You guffaw, knowing that meme well. As you should! You're a Reddit connoisseur! I see you going straight to r/SquaredCircle or r/XWF to say that you got that joke and accept all those internet points that are one of the few things that make you happy and keep your neck away from a noose.

Gotta remember, cunts, there's no Noah Jackson in heaven because I'll never die! Imagine how more depressing your existence would be without me? So, stay alive, smash that like button and buy all my merch, cunt.

I reach my agent and entourage outside the doors to a shitty convention centre, I look at the Ponycon 2019 banner almost falling off the balcony above and sigh. You relax in your chair, leaning back as it creaks loudly under your mass. Last promo was the time for passion, this is just enjoying the time you have with me. Savour your beverage like a fine cognac, cunt.

For this.

Is only the beginning.


"This is fucking cooked, cunts."

"Morning, Mr. Jackson. How are you feeling?"

"Pissed off, cunt."

"I meant health-wise."

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fit as a fiddle. Feeling fresh, ready to take all my anger out on two shit cunts on Saturday and yell at sweaty bronies for a few hours today."

She nods.

"Good to hear."

GENERIC CUNT #1: "Don't worry, Noah, we'll be around so these nerds don't breathe on you."

"Appreciated, cunt."

GENERIC CUNT #2: "You are the king, Noah!"

I stare at him, coldly and blankly with dead eyes. He just smiles... He never fucking stops.

"Okay, so Noah."

My agent snaps me out of my gaze with that demon.

"You have to do this meet and greet for at least an hour; on the plus side I don't think ponies and wrestling mix all that well so maybe you'll be left alone for the most pair."

I nod my head to the side.

"Fair dinkum."

I spot some shitty little kid eyeballing me as she and her dad walk into the convention centre, I puff my chest out in case the pipsqueak cunt decides to square up. She tugs on his dad's wrist and points.

GREMLIN CUNT: "Daddy, look! It's Noah!"

He lifts his arms to the sky with pointed index fingers.

GREMLIN CUNT: "C-WORD! C-WORD! C-WORD!"

Her dad stifles a chuckle as they walk inside, I just watch with disdain then look to my agent whose wearing a wide smile.

"I despise those little cunts, but even I got to admit that was pretty cute."

I say trying not to vomit.

"You've got a surprisingly big child fanbase. Despite the 'M Rated humour', kids find you funny. The accent helps."

The cogs fucking turn, cunts.

[Image: RBAx074.jpg]

Lightbulb moment. I turn to my entourage.

"Cunts!"

They stand to attention.

"Grab my sick t-shirts, that didn't get sold (for some reason) and get them dry cleaned."

They gasp.

GENERIC CUNT #3: "But Noah, the tags clearly state not to dry clean!"

"I know what they say, cunt! Just get it done and bring them here as fast as you fucking can."

GENERIC CUNT #1: "Sure thing, Noah!"

GENERIC CUNT #3: "Yes, Noah!"

GENERIC CUNT #2: "You are the king, Noah!"

I will kill that fucking cunt.

"Chop chop, cunts."

They scatter sharpish. I turn to my agent.

"How many kids are in there?"

"A rough estimate? The centre can hold around 2000 people, I doubt this is a sold-out event so call it 1500 total. Probably half children with parents, half fully grown adults with questionable interests."

I pause for a moment before shouting back to my boys.

"Don't dry clean half of those cunts!"

Back to agent.

"Do I have a booth?"

"Of course, for autograph signings and pictures."

"First, no fucking pictures. Second, add another table to that, cunt."

"You got it."

She enters the convention centre while tapping on her phone. I laugh menacingly and rub my hands like the genius cunt I am.



[Image: s6zOknm.png]



"... I sold shrunken down shirts to children at a high price."

I say before downing a Capri-Sun in a single sip, like a fucking king. I look at the camera with a shrug.

"What cunt? I'm tired, that shit at Ponycon went nowhere. Oh, you cunts wanted to see me talk to neckbeards and make fun of them? I do that shit here. It's my job."

"Did you want to see me take advantage of small-minded children? Guess what cunts! My job here."

"Every single week, either here or on twitter I put people in their fucking place. I send cunts like Boston Bruiser packing, I drive Ruby into a deep depression so she has to go fucking radar silent for weeks on end. I do the shit Lacklan wishes she could do and I don't even try! I just have a strong 'Type A' personality. Whose the sick cunt that made Ned bend over and give a shot at his briefcase? Who is the fucking legend that embarrassed The Miz so bad the shit cunt couldn't even come up with a reply to me? Who is the hardest worker in the XWF that is constantly switching brands and making a name for myself?"


I point my thumbs at myself.

"Top cunt, right here."

I relax.

"It's just too easy, cunts. Now, me and my dad are going to advance the second round and I can't fucking wait to see who we go up against. There are three names floating around that could use a good slap to their jawlines."

"The Miz released one of the worst promos I have ever had the misfortune to sit through, I'm sure Lacklan's had some shit ones but as you all know, I physically can't get through the entire shitshow. Main, he's got some garbage too. Oh, cunt has metaphors, fucking great! Be a lot more helpful if you could talk proper you fucking hobo looking cunt. Centurion, he's just getting drunk and sad lately, probably end up begging for change on the streets after pulling some drunken Weinstein shit. Fuck, Santos, keep an eye on him because you're going to end up like that sad cunt."

"..."

"Fuck me, bit of a tangent there."

"Can't even keep on the subject of Team Shite Name. Hahahaha but why the fuck should I!?"

"They're dead!"

"Me and Fuzz picked them apart and killed them!"

"And guess what cunts, didn't even try."

"It's. Just. That. Fucking. Easy."

"I'm just doing my fucking job."

"And I'm sick at it."

"I'm fucking happy to take credit for getting rid of more tumours on this company like I'm a big dick surgeon."

"Honestly, cunts. You're all very welcome."

"Now, I'm going to end this promo early and go bed."

"Because I can, and as I said, we already won."

"Let's hope the second round can prove a bit of a challenge."

"But I doubt it."

[Image: iwofq6s.png]
FORMER:
[Image: OZdvB4F.png]
[Image: l6KRzu8.png]

W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment
Holder of the most wins in the XWF (Mostly house shows)
Holder of the most draws in XWF (All on Anarchy)
Winner of Sickest Cunt of the Year 2020
Winner of Greatest Wrestler who ever lived 2022
Holder of the world's rarest pog collection (Valued at $200)
Owner of Ned Kaye's cat that Ned named Deepthroat for some weird reason
Voted most feared man by Centurion (Twice!)
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[-] The following 3 users Like Noah Jackson's post:
Corey Smith (08-09-2019), SBW-SmokingBobWilliams (08-12-2019), Steve_Justice (08-10-2019)




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