Hey, if anyone wouldn't mind, throw me a bone and give me some feedback please.

http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=4897

I hate that spelling of Jonny, despite the fact that there was a character in Luca's story with the same spelling. Onto actual feedback now.

Positives: Bazooka Joe. Every RP ever should have a reference to that bubblegum in it. Seriously, I mark out over weird things like that.

It really looks like you know your shit about Marina Bay, which is twelve different shades of awesome. Seriously, I have no earthly idea anything related to Los Angeles except for the common knowledge that everyone has, and it's the setting of most of my stories! The fact that you know what things are help draw the reader in to picturing the place a lot better than it would've had you just scratched the surface of it.

You really set up the character well, he comes across as an asshole who doesn't care about making friends with the dialogue of the piece, which is what I assume you were going for. (If you weren't, then well fuck.)

Again, pointing out the trash talk to Aldway. I felt the last paragraph was an awesome shot at him, bigging up Murica in an attempt to diss England, and who doesn't love a good little battle of two countries? I mean, the Olympics is just one big clusterfuck of countries trying to flaunt their sports cocks in everyone else's faces, lol.

Negatives: The trash talk toward me and everything minus the last paragraph to Aldway seems a bit stale. That could be just because being in a feud with Aldway kinda and handling Luca, that I've seen a lot of the jokes used already, but the constant use of gay jokes really isn't all that clever when almost all of them have been used before, although giving credit where credit's due, the Singapore law comment was awesome. I also liked the Australian comment and curb stomp reference.

(Note: Only time being unclever works is with Gilmour. Fat jokes = Gold, always)


Really that's it, just look for more impactful trash talk. Maybe respond to the actual comments in the RPs against you instead of glossing over them, and you should be fine. I really dig your work, yo.

Yeah, I've went back and read a lot of the role plays against you. I know I said some of the same things you have heard, but it's a good schtick to play on. I'll try and spice it up in the next one when it comes to mentioning you.